Squaresoft Exec: "Insolence! Now, I want to to focus all of your attnetion on making these two battles the most difficult and lengthy battles to take place in a Final Fantasy game."

Company Guy #1: "Wouldn't it make more sense to make the rest of the game... well, not ridiculously easy?"

Squaresoft Exec: "No, we're making the game "mature", not hard. The average gamer doesn't want a challenge, they want boobs, spiky hair, and a lot of swearing. Jesus, didn't they teach you anything in that marketing class of yours?"

Company Guy #1: "The way you're going, you might as well center an entire quest in this game around going to a Goddamn brothel."

Squaresoft Exec: "..." *smiles a bit*

Company Guy #1: "Oh, Jesus, not again."

Squaresoft Exec: "Remind me to promote you later. You! Work on this brothel idea. Work it aroudn that idea I had earlier about the main character dressing up as a girl. This game is gonna be so ****ing awesome!"

Company Guy #1: "I hate my life."

Squaresoft Exec: "Well, then, who has anything else to add?"
Company Guy #2: "I suggest that with the processing speed of the Playstation, as well as the graphical capabilties, we introduce a wide variety of 'mini games' to provide the player with a welcome distraction to the main game."

Squaresoft Exec: "I like it. Keep going."

Company Guy #2: "Sir, I give you the Gold Saucer. Think of Atlantic City meets Disney Land. It will be home to a wide host of mini games."

Squaresoft Exec: "Right... ooh! Can the owner of the place wear a speedo?"

Company Guy #1: "I hate you."

Squaresoft Exec: "Insolence! Company Guy #2, what will the player's motivation be for playing these 'mini games'?"

Company Guy #2: "Rare weapons and armor, or course."

Company Guy #1: "You mean to tell me that you go out to an arcade/casino, gamble, and instead of money, your rewards are weapons of mass destruction?"

Company Guy #2: "Yeah... so?"

Company Guy #1: "That's asinine. Vegas doesn't hand out nukes to any schmuck that lines up three 7's in a row."

Company Guy #2: "I don't see anything wrong with it."

Squaresoft Exec: "Insolence! It's a perfect idea. Just don't forget the owner's speedo."

Squaresoft Exec: “Back to the plot for a minute… we’re going to need a really big scene. I mean, a shocker. I’m talking a scene that will go down in the anals of Final Fantasy history.”
Company Guy #1: “Um… sir… the word is ‘annals’.”
Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence!”

Company Guy #2: “Well, the confrontation of Kefka was pretty memorable. Mayhaps we should do something akin to that?”
Squaresoft Exec: “No, that’s too hard. We’ll just kill somebody.”

Company Guy #1: “Sir, that’s your solution to everything. For God’s sakes, you can make an interesting plotline without constantly killing people off, you know.”

Company Guy #2: “Well, um… it can be a pretty powerful device, if used right. Were you looking for something along the lines of a vengeful death, like Tellah? Or one of those sad, poignant ones, like Cid from FF6?”

Squaresoft Exec: “Bah, everything’s gotta have a story with you two. Look, just get on the Goddamn CG machine and show me the bad guy stabbing a flower girl or something.”

Company Guy #1: “Ok… one pointless and gruesome death, coming up.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Just… no blood. God, I can’t stand the sight of that stuff. Gives me the willies.”

Company Guy #1: “Isn’t that the entire point of this scene?”
Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence! I said no blood!”

Company Guy #1: *Sigh* “Ok… one miraculously bloodless stabbing of a young girl, coming right up. Jesus, is there anything else you want? Perhaps you’d prefer that while the bad guy is for some reason stabbing the hell out of a little girl, he be wearing a speedo?”

Squaresoft Exec: “…” *Smiles a little bit*

Company Guy #1: “No.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Ok, good morning, all… please refrain from speaking loudly, moving around, or breathing very much, because I am hung-over as **** right now, and I’d appreciate it if you all complied.”

Company Guy #1: “Sir, I really think these meetings would be more productive if for once you would arrive not under the influence of mind-altering substances.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence! I said I’m hung over, you sniveling weasel, not drunk. So unless a McNugget is a mind-altering substance… is it?”

Company Guy #2: “In most states, Sir. Except for West Virginia.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Anyways, look… I had a few ideas last night that I wanted to run by you guys. If I can just find where I wrote them down…”
*Rifles through pockets*

Company Guy #1: “Right, you had some ideas… while you were drunk.”

Squaresoft Exec: *Still looking through his pockets* “Insolence!”

Company Guy #1: “This should be interesting.”

Squaresoft Exec: *Pulls out a cocktail napkin and throws it down on the table* “There we go!”

Company Guy #2: “Um… sir… this is a bunch of scribbles on a napkin.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Um, no, it’s a Transformer, see?”

Company Guy #1: “A Transformer, right… and how does this relate to Final Fantasy 7 again?”

Squaresoft Exec: “Well, I thought it would be cool if you had one of them on your team.”

Company Guy #2: “Sir, last night you also thought it would be cool to light your farts on fire. And all that led to was burn marks on your ass and a hefty fine for public indecency.”
Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence! There will be a Transformer on the team, Goddammit!”

Company Guy #1: “You want a giant, transformable robot on the team?”

Squaresoft Exec: “Eh, no, make him a guy. A ‘cool’ guy, with lots of ‘tude.”

Company Guy #2: “No offense, Sir, but we’re becoming less and less clear of your interpretation of the word ‘’tude’.”
Squaresoft Exec: “Well… um, make him quiet… and mysterious… and, um… when he gets mad, he can turn into Frankenstein, or that crazy ****er with the hockey mask and chainsaw.”

Company Guy #1: “You mean Jason.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Yeah, that’s the guy.”

Company Guy #1: “Sir, in addition to being really, really stupid, that’s also copyright infringement. We could be sued.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence! We’re putting Transformer Guy into the game and that’s final!”

Squaresoft Exec: “Well, then… that’s just about everything, then. Does anybody have anything else to add?”

Company Guy #1: “Why do we allow you to breathe?”

Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence!”

Company Guy #1: “Sir, you’ve only managed to produce one of the most insane pieces of drivel I have ever imagined. The plot sounds as if it was written by a madman, the lead character is a Goddamn nutjob who thinks a piece of aluminum siding is a sword, the gameplay is ridiculously easy with maybe enough side quests and mini games to distract from that, and the graphics rely entirely on the 1% of the game that doesn’t look like a polygon demon ejaculated all over it. If this game sells more than 50 copies, I will eat this meeting table. And what we do sell will be to horny little bastard kids who think Tifa is hot.”

Company Guy #2: “I want to have sex with Tifa.”

Company Guy #1: “Shut up. Sir, haven’t you learned anything from Tomb Raider? Games relying entirely on sex appeal… actually sell pretty well. Damn.”

Sqauresoft Exec: “So, now, what have we learned about what it is gamers today want?”

Company Guy #1: *Sigh* “They want sex appeal, ‘tude, cool cars, bright and shiny graphics, mini games, really big swords, and none of that pesky ‘challenge’ crap.”

Squaresoft Exec: “And…?”

Company Guy #1: “Don’t make me say it…”

Sqauresoft Exec: “Insolence! Say it!”

Company Guy #1: *Sigh* “…and Speedos.”

Sqauresoft Exec: “Excellent.”

Company Guy #1: “I’m going to kill myself now. Good luck trying to sell this piece of crap.”
Squaresoft Exec: “Hahaha, you insolent fools. This will be the best-selling game of all time! In fact, I think that if there were ever a contest to determine the greatest game of all time, then this new Final Fantasy would win that title.”

Company Guy #2: "Why do we allow him to breathe?"

Company Guy #1: “Ok, I think maybe we’re getting a little ambitious, Sir. What kind of idiots would vote this as the best game of all time over, say, Super Mario 3 or Chrono Trigger? That’s just insanity, really.”

Company Guy #2: “Yeah, it is. Those games were actually… you know, good.”

Squaresoft Exec: “Insolence! I will say this right now, and mark my words: BEST. GAME. EVAR!”

Company Guy #2: “Sir, you’re peeing in your pants.”

Squaresoft Exec: *Looks down* “Indeed I am…”



THE END