In my last blog, I mentioned that I might post an instruction booklet that I found to be particularly hilarious, the one for Bignose the Caveman for the Nintendo Entertainment System. The beauty of this particular booklet is that it doesn't suffer from bad translation or poor localization. It's just the fact that you're reading a 20 page booklet about a NES game about cavemen. Please note that I don't take any credit for the following blurbs o' text (fortunately), and anything that is not found in the instructions but is rather added by myself will be in parenthesis. I would use italics, but my laptop's being a Mean Mr. Mustard :evil:

(Our first stop brings us to the "IMPORTANT PRECAUTIONS" section, where the following warnings are given: )

DO NOT clean the game with benzene, paint thinner, or other such solvents (shoot, I just bought that one gallon jug o' paint thinner for all my NES games!)

DO NOT attmept to take it apart or hit or drop it

(Having gotten that out of the way, we now turn to page one, handily entitled: )

BIGNOSE: THE STORY SO FAR...

On their tiny prehistoric island, a whole village is starving and Thanksgiving is only a few days away! All the big game animals have left - they don't want to be hunted anymore, and the cave clans are getting tired of eating lettuce. Bignose had heard a legend about a long forgotten peanut butter mine on the island, and he went off in search of it one warm sunny morning. He hadn't got far when an enormous pterodactyl flew high overhead... "WOW! If I could catch that there big birdy then all the people in the village would have enough food for a great Thanksgiving! Forget the peanut butter mine - we're gonna have a roast birdy!" And so Bignose set out on a hunting adventure which will take him over four islands, through perilous caves and even up into the sky!

(Hmm... well. There's not really anything else I can say. Nope. Not after you just read that paragraph. Nothing I say could possibly add to that. You just sit there and read over that again, pondering and brooding what on earth it could possibly mean to you and your sanity.)

(Moving gracefully from page 2 to page 3, we encounter the how to play section: )

HOW TO PLAY BIGNOSE THE CAVEMAN

Bignose starts the game with just three lives and his neanderthal club. Bignose should be very careful not to touch any of the small animal that populate the island - they can all kill him instantly. (yes, this really was in italics. You know, for the added DREAD AND HORROR brought upon by the thoughts and imagery of small island critters bludgeoning and one hit killing a caveman)

(A few pages later, we are greeted by a screenshot of a surly shop owner trying to sell off his inventory to our hero, Bignose. Spells that you can buy are: )

JUMP SPELL

LIGHT SPELL

QUAKE SPELL

SLOW SPELL

HARD FEET (!)

(The manual also offers this advice below the picture)

Try a FAST CLUB to improve your clubbing action. (Well, I didn't ask how to improve my clubbing action, but it looks like I got an answer anyhow)

(Also, the shops in those caveman days were pretty hard to find apparently)

THE HIDDEN SHOPS

Bignose will have to look hard to find the shops - remember, billboards weren't invented back then! (There you have it folks. Scientific proof that cavemen did not take full advantage of the wonderful advertising capabilities of the billboard)

(On pages 9-10, the instruction booklet writer decided that we needed a brief intermission, and a two page fold out of an unexplained T-Rex is available for you to ogle)

(Apparently Bignose can fly too, and page 12 offers this handy flying tip: )

FLYING

If you stop to hit a stone he'll lose height quickly, so be careful. Eventually you'll meet our flying friend here and face the ultimate flying challenge.

(A picture of that dastardly pterodactyl is included. This is presumably the same pterodactyl that attacked Bignose in "Bignose Freaks Out," the much needed and totally necessary sequal to this game. It turns out this dirty son of a gun bone stealing caveman hijacker has a name: Orville. Yep, that's right, Orville the flying bastard pterodactyl. Keep in mind that only you can bring about an end to his reign of terror by taking to the sky and taking on the ultimate flying challenge head on, all the while providing a Thanksgiving meal for you fellow caveman clan.)

(Page 15 is a very nice and welcome change of pace from the rest of the Bignose manual, because you are treated to a 14-word word search. Some very concise instructions are given: )

BIGNOSE WORD SEARCH.

Lots of words from Bignose's adventure have been hidden in this jumble of letters see how many you (and it ends here. Not only is it a run on sentence, but it's not even a sentence due to lack of the second half of said sentence!)

(And on the final page of this masterpiece, we are then treated to fine photographic representations of the buff blokes behind the Bignose Universe)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, there you have it, the highlights of the Bignose the Caveman instruction booklet. I hope you found that at least somewhat enjoyable. Depending on what other crazy retro games I can find, I may do several more installments in this series in the future. I know the Earth Defense Force 2017 instructions are amazing as well. Also, Bignose is actually a great game, don't let the crazily written instructions deter you from playing this "gem" of a NES game. Let me know what you thought, and I'd be happy to hear from you if you know any zany videogame pieces o' literature that you'd like to share :)

-zelda450