...

so i really still need to vent, apparently. i will try to keep this short so it's not too painful of a read. unfortunately, i've really been trying so hard to be happy that i kind of pushed everything down and it kind of blew up in my face this weekend. it's very personal so if you care to read then up to you.[spoiler]

i'm mad at my ex for the following reasons:

• he helped create a mindset that i am not worth anything to other people, even though i like myself
• he may have taken away the possibility of me having a family, as i am now 32 and will have to start all over again to find someone, and by that time i may not be able to have kids
• he used me for years, he said he hadn't been in love with me for the last 2 years of our 4 year relationship
• i can only imagine how many opportunities to find real love i missed by being with him
• i ended up losing so much money investing in him financially by supporting him when he didn't have a job for 2 years, and when he did, he didn't give much back to our household
• i had to basically bribe him to sign himself off the lease and leave faster with my car, in this county it is nearly impossible to have someone removed from the lease by force
• i had to sleep on the couch for 2 months while he sluggishly found a new place to live (he refused to sleep on the couch even though the bed was mine and would crawl into bed even though i told him not to)
• lastly, i'm really angry that the first time i caught him cybering with 2 girls from a game we played (MMO) and his ex gf, he was drunk and called me fat, and after that i was so depressed i gained 25 pounds. i've only lost 10 so far of that...still working on it, but all i feel is ugly

yes, i was fooled. some of this was my fault, but i believed him when he said he wanted to be a good person and needed a good woman such as myself to support him. his actions in the end overrided his words. he was emotionally abusive, and it snuck up on me; i didn't realize the damage he had done to my inner self until i finally was forced to kick him out. sadly, i cannot simply turn off the switch of sadness and be happy, it doesn't work that way even though i try. and trust me, i am trying.

[/spoiler] so that's my vent, i'm still really angry and hurt, and every time i try to push it away, it comes back ten fold. i hope it goes away soon. one day at a time, right?

-z