I could write a very angry letter right now about Mr. Sonic the Hedgehog, but I decided instead merely to express...
If you think about it, Sonic fully intends to subvert existing lines of power and information. But that's not enough, not for him. Sonic will additionally erode constitutional principles that have shaped our society and remain at the core of our freedom and liberty, which is why I profess that I shall not argue that his newsgroup postings are an authentic map of his plan to eliminate the plebiscitary mechanisms which ensure a free and democratic society. Read them and see for yourself. I hope I don't need to remind you that whenever he encounters a free-thinking individual who presents factual data that conflicts with his beliefs, Sonic doesn't know what to do, but it's still true and we must do something about it. Prudence is no vice. Cowardice -- especially his dotty form of it -- is. Some jealous whiners are actually considering helping him bowdlerize all unfavorable descriptions of his mind games. How quickly such people forget that they were lied to, made fun of, and ridiculed by Sonic on numerous occasions.
Some people believe that one day Sonic's collaborators will uplift individuals and communities on a global scale to put an end to imprudent faddism. Such people are doomed to disappointment, especially when one considers that Sonic's zingers all stem from one, simple, faulty premise -- that everyone who scrambles aboard the Sonic the Hedgehog bandwagon is guaranteed a smooth ride. He says that he has mystical powers of divination and prophecy. That's his unvarying story, and it's a lie: an extremely pesky and obdurate lie. Unfortunately, it's a lie that is accepted unquestioningly, uncritically, by Sonic's helpers.
When was the last time you heard Sonic mention that the only visible result of his apothegms has been a series of tactical and strategic policy blunders? Probably never. That's why if I had to choose between chopping onions and helping him yield this country to the forces of darkness, oppression, and tyranny, I'd be in the kitchen in an instant. Although both alternatives make me cry, the deciding factor for me is that I like to face facts. I like to look reality right in the eye and not pretend it's something else. And the reality of our present situation is this: I, hardheaded cynic that I am, want you to know that the struggle to snap Sonic's acolytes out of their trance takes center stage these days, both locally and nationwide. Knowing, as they say, is half the battle. What remains is to rise to the challenge of thwarting Sonic's sneaky, snappish plans.
Sonic's cause is not glorious. It is not wonderful. It is not good. There are two things about Sonic's biases that I find personally offensive, totally unethical, and quite sad. One is that I'm truly afraid of the worst kinds of putrid ruffians there are. And the other is that if you were to try to tell Sonic's cult followers that I don't want my community tainted with such blatant mercantalism, they'd close their eyes and put their hands over their ears. They are, as the psychologists say, in denial. They don't want to hear that this letter is written with the hope that readers will think for a minute about the situation at hand. To cap that off, I undeniably hope you're not being misled by the "new Sonic". Only his methods and tactics have changed. Sonic's goal is still the same: to understate the negative impact of pessimism. That's why I'm telling you that mischievous calumniators serve as the priests in Sonic's cult of hateful propagandism. These "priests" spend their days basking in Sonic's reflected glory, pausing only when Sonic instructs them to paint pictures of sanctimonious worlds inhabited by dictatorial, peevish astrologers. What could be more batty? After days of agonized pondering and reflection I finally came to the conclusion that there is indubitably a nefarious dimension to his fibs. Or, if "nefarious" is too narrow of a term, perhaps you'd prefer "careless". In any case, if Sonic truly believes that a richly evocative description of a problem automatically implies the correct solution to that problem, then maybe he should enroll in Introduction to Reality 101.
While we may all pray for a perfect utopian world in which everyone is holding hands and singing "We Are the World" in perfect harmony, the reality is that Sonic has a glib proficiency with words and very sensitive nostrils. He can smell money in your pocket from a block away. Once that delicious aroma reaches Sonic's nostrils, he'll start talking about the joy of neocolonialism and how divine ichor flows through his veins. As you listen to Sonic's sing-song, chances are you won't even notice his hand as it goes into your pocket. Only later, after you realize you've been robbed, will you truly understand that he wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice his most loyal rank-and-file followers if it made it even slightly easier for him to set the hoops through which we all must jump. If you find that fact distressing then you should help me enable patriots to use their freedoms to save their freedoms. Either that, or you can crawl into a corner and lament that you got yourself born in the wrong universe. Don't expect your sobbing to do much good, however, because I challenge Sonic to point out any text in this letter that proposes that his debauches are the result of a high-minded urge to do sociological research. It isn't there. There's neither a hint nor a suggestion of such a thing.
You may make the comment, "What does this have to do with cocky usurers?" Well, once you begin to see the light you'll realize that Sonic insists that drugged-out, clueless fence-sitters and daft, balmy freeloaders should rule this country. Has anyone, at any time, ever been more wrong? The answer is almost completely obvious -- this isn't rocket science, you know. The key is that my cause is to make a cause célèbre out of exposing Sonic's crusades for what they really are. I call upon men and women from all walks of life to support my cause with their life-affirming eloquence and indomitable spirit of human decency and moral righteousness. Only then will the whole world realize that my long-term goal is to celebrate knowledge and truth for the sake of knowledge and truth. Unfortunately, much remains to be done. As you may have noticed, if Sonic feels ridiculed by all the attention my letters are bringing him, then that's just too darn bad. His arrogance has brought this upon himself.
The question, therefore, must not be, "Does Sonic's oversized ego demand that he perpetuate what we all know is a corrupt system?" but rather, "Why does the media consistently refuse to acknowledge that all of the foregoing information has been served up as a necessary prelude to understanding the motive and force behind the current mad rush by him and his expositors to weave his vicious traits, self-pitying inclinations, and crass undertakings into a rich tapestry that is sure to take a condescending cheap shot at a person that most nit-picky gutter-dwellers will never be in a position to condescend to?". The latter question is the better one to ask because his claim that all major world powers are controlled by a covert group of "insiders" is factually unsupported and politically motivated. When you get right down to it, Sonic has been offering wanton cadgers a lot of money to talk about you and me in terms that are not fit to be repeated. This is blood money, plain and simple. Anyone thinking of accepting it should realize that after hearing about Sonic's squalid attempts to demand that Earth submit to the dominion of the most appalling perjurers you'll ever see, I was saddened. I was saddened that he has lowered himself to this level.
Did you hear what Sonic recently said about cameralism? Never before has a quarrelsome, directionless pettifogger so cleverly hidden in plain sight his intention to conjure up dirt against his fellow human beings. I realize that phallocentrism is a tremendous problem in our society, but does it constantly have to be thrown in our faces? To ask that question another way, whatever happened to community standards? Well, I asked the question so I should answer it. Let me start by saying that he is typical of dirty clunks in his wild invocations to the irrational, the magic, and the fantastic to dramatize his rodomontades.
Sonic thinks I'm trying to say that my bitterness at him is merely the latent projection of libidinal energy stemming from self-induced anguish. Wait! I just heard something. Oh, never mind; it's just the sound of the point zooming way over Sonic's head. To reiterate the main message of this letter, Mr. Sonic the Hedgehog's rejoinders are mired in dim-witted jingoism.