Am I any good at songwriting? (Revised)

Deaf and Blind

By DmadFearmonger

Born in the black of nothing. I am a living piece of rotten meat. Man drinks my juices so sweet.

Deaf and Blind I exist only in paradise. Cold and wet, in the waters toxic. Warm the waters clean.

My paradise is sick, twisted and peaceful. Chaotic and beautiful.

Gates to new realms opened one day, gates to hell some say. I ventured beyond to these realms. Would I ever return to paradise?

The new realm was small, robotic and bright, there lived six demons in white. The largest one spoke in an alien tongue the demonic words of his people...

Does he want my paradise..?

I will never surrender my paradise to order, never... NEVER

Now quietly I lay, where am I... In this quiet abyss. This is not my paradise.

Where is my paradise?

-----------------------------

The song is about a child born Deaf and Blind, but by no means dumb. He, in his lifeless body created a world of his own, a paradise. The scientists have kept him in a machine, analyzing his thoughts. And carelessly they take him away from it so that they can take this concept of paradise for themselves. And due to human nature the scientists killed him for disobeying and not coughing up the information.

This is the second song I've ever writen, the first was a wreck though. Honest opinions please

I love gospel! JuggaloRandall

paradise*

paradise*

broken_bass_bin

[QUOTE="JuggaloRandall"]I love gospel! DmadFearmonger

[QUOTE="DmadFearmonger"][QUOTE="JuggaloRandall"]I love gospel! JuggaloRandall

And yes, I do love me some Dream Theater

Cheesy.

Cheesy.

Lto_thaG

[QUOTE="Lto_thaG"]

Cheesy.

DmadFearmonger

[QUOTE="DmadFearmonger"][QUOTE="Lto_thaG"]

Cheesy.

Lto_thaG

There ain't no reason you and me should be alone Tonight, yeah baby, tonight, yeah baby But I got a reason that you-hoo should take me home tonight?

Oh God, oh God, oh God. I can't wait to comment on this, but I got to go now. I'll be back... soon.

Oh God, oh God, oh God. I can't wait to comment on this, but I got to go now. I'll be back... soon.

svenus97

paradise*

broken_bass_bin

Thats a nice poem!

I'm confused... how does a child born blind and deaf know what is a man and a paradise?... and what do you mean by "but by no means dumb"?Grey_Eyed_Elf

As a songwriter myself I must say the concept is pretty neat.Welis

[QUOTE="Grey_Eyed_Elf"]I'm confused... how does a child born blind and deaf know what is a man and a paradise?... and what do you mean by "but by no means dumb"?DmadFearmonger

This story doesn't make a lick of sense to me. Why would the scientists "bring him back" if they can analyze his thoughts using a machine? How can he tell which scientist in the largest one and that he is speaking "demonic words in an alien tongue" if he can neither see nor hear anything? What worth would a "concept of paradise" be to a scientist? Why would they kill him for not telling it to them? It clearly does not allow them to accomplish their goal of acquiring this concept, whatever its apparent value.

I seriously can't understand the idea of pulling a blind and deaf child off a thought reading machine so that you can ask him what he is thinking.

[QUOTE="DmadFearmonger"][QUOTE="Grey_Eyed_Elf"]I'm confused... how does a child born blind and deaf know what is a man and a paradise?... and what do you mean by "but by no means dumb"?Grey_Eyed_Elf

This story doesn't make a lick of sense to me. Why would the scientists "bring him back" if they can analyze his thoughts using a machine? How can he tell which scientist in the largest one and that he is speaking "demonic words in an alien tongue" if he can neither see nor hear anything? What worth would a "concept of paradise" be to a scientist? Why would they kill him for not telling it to them? It clearly does not allow them to accomplish their goal of acquiring this concept, whatever its apparent value.

Barbariser

[QUOTE="Barbariser"]

This story doesn't make a lick of sense to me. Why would the scientists "bring him back" if they can analyze his thoughts using a machine? How can he tell which scientist in the largest one and that he is speaking "demonic words in an alien tongue" if he can neither see nor hear anything? What worth would a "concept of paradise" be to a scientist? Why would they kill him for not telling it to them? It clearly does not allow them to accomplish their goal of acquiring this concept, whatever its apparent value.

DmadFearmonger

Modern humans are far less brutal, immoral and violent than their torture-loving warmongering ancestors, and you can expect this trend to continue as living standards rise. The scientists have absolutely nothing to gain from killing the boy, and the idea that you'll be able to turn a crappy Earth into a nice Earth by trying to ask a kid who could never have possibly learned to speak is a bit of a long shot, to say the least. Simply put, at no point in the song do the involved scientists actually behave or act like real people.

[QUOTE="DmadFearmonger"][QUOTE="Barbariser"]

This story doesn't make a lick of sense to me. Why would the scientists "bring him back" if they can analyze his thoughts using a machine? How can he tell which scientist in the largest one and that he is speaking "demonic words in an alien tongue" if he can neither see nor hear anything? What worth would a "concept of paradise" be to a scientist? Why would they kill him for not telling it to them? It clearly does not allow them to accomplish their goal of acquiring this concept, whatever its apparent value.

Barbariser

Modern humans are far less brutal, immoral and violent than their torture-loving warmongering ancestors, and you can expect this trend to continue as living standards rise. The scientists have absolutely nothing to gain from killing the boy, and the idea that you'll be able to turn a crappy Earth into a nice Earth by trying to ask a kid who could never have possibly learned to speak is a bit of a long shot, to say the least. Simply put, at no point in the song do the involved scientists actually behave or act like real people.

Nah, it sounds too generic, kinda reminds me of Disturbed.

Nah, it sounds too generic, kinda reminds me of Disturbed.

The-Tree

First of all, are you seriously comparing yourself to Lady Gaga :P ?

Second of all, the logic is terrible. Well, it isn't terrible, but... oh, wait. It is. It's terrible. You could say that it doesn't need to make sense. It doesn't, but, if it doesn't you get what you wrote. If I wrote :"I was born with a tongue. Scientists poured some wine down my throat. They wondered what it was like. I said :"A bit bitter with a pinch of sweet." ." It would be pretty terrible, right ?

Now for a more serious approach. Why did you write those lyrics ? Are they supposed to represent something, or did you think it would be a good story to tell ? Are they about someone you know ? The only parallel I could draw was :"I wish not to leave this land I've built, after 15 long years.", to you being 15, which could be just random, and most likely is.

Now let's analyze !

Born in the shadows. - OK. I have nothing to feel. - Of course you have, you obviously feel self-pity and an attachment to your paradise. I am a lifeless piece of rotten meat. - OK. The living drink my juices so sweet. - Is this about them wanting to extract information ?

Deaf and Blind I exist only in my own mind. My reality my own. - OK.

I wish not to leave this land I've built, after 15 long years. - Emotional attachment, and a possible parallel. The men who brought me here want me back, has my paradise been an evil lie? - OK (for now).

The largest one peaks in alien tongue demonic words I can't understand. - Of course you can't, you are deaf. Is he asking me for my paradise? Does he wish to take it from me? - Why would he (look below) ?

NO! I will not serve you, your evil kind cannot understand the beauty of paradise, you and your gods. - Logic ?

You deserve no more than your evil land. Explain.

Now quietly I lay, where am I... In this quiet abyss. This is not my paradise. - Refers to his death ?

Where is my paradise? - Rhetorical question, his paradise could be the peace he found in death.

The song is about a child born Deaf and Blind, but by no means dumb. (What do you mean by this) ?

He, in his lifeless body created a world of his own, a paradise. - OK.

The scientists have kept him in a machine, analyzing his thoughts. And carelessly they take him away from it so that they can take this concept of paradise for themselves. - Now why would they want his concept of paradise ?

And due to human nature the scientists killed him for disobeying and not coughing up the information. - If they can analyze his thoughts, why would they need for him to tell it ?

Anyways, it's a mess. But, it's better than Friday :P

If you read through the thread so for you'll be able to find answers to most of your questions. It could do with revision, I knew that before I posted it. But I wondered how it is in It's draft form; How It's coming along so far

If you read through the thread so for you'll be able to find answers to most of your questions. It could do with revision, I knew that before I posted it. But I wondered how it is in It's draft form; How It's coming along so far

DmadFearmonger

[QUOTE="DmadFearmonger"]

If you read through the thread so for you'll be able to find answers to most of your questions. It could do with revision, I knew that before I posted it. But I wondered how it is in It's draft form; How It's coming along so far

svenus97

[QUOTE="broken_bass_bin"]

paradise*

DmadFearmonger

Sorry man. It's good for a 2nd try. My main criticism is that you should perhaps try using a bit more metaphorical language.

As it is, things are a bit candid. There's a lot of imagery going on (which is good), but you're describing things very specifically. You could afford to be a bit more vague and metaphorical, so that the listener/reader has room to use their imagination a little.

The opening line has a decent amount of metaphor: "a lifeless piece of rotten meat", and "the living drink my juices so sweet". Use more language like that.

A specific change I would make would be to change "lifeless piece of rotting meat" to "livingpiece of rotting meat". That suggests he knows he's alive, but he feels he might as well be dead (as he has "nothing to feel").

[QUOTE="DmadFearmonger"][QUOTE="broken_bass_bin"]

paradise*

broken_bass_bin

Sorry man. It's good for a 2nd try. My main criticism is that you should perhaps try using a bit more metaphorical language.

As it is, things are a bit candid. There's a lot of imagery going on (which is good), but you're describing things very specifically. You could afford to be a bit more vague and metaphorical, so that the listener/reader has room to use their imagination a little.

The opening line has a decent amount of metaphor: "a lifeless piece of rotten meat", and "the living drink my juices so sweet". Use more language like that.

A specific change I would make would be to change "lifeless piece of rotting meat" to "livingpiece of rotting meat". That suggests he knows he's alive, but he feels he might as well be dead (as he has "nothing to feel").

[QUOTE="broken_bass_bin"]

[QUOTE="DmadFearmonger"]You never gave your opinion man. Only spelling correction. What with you being a proper musician and songwriter you'd be most helpful out of anyone else in the forum.DmadFearmonger

Sorry man. It's good for a 2nd try. My main criticism is that you should perhaps try using a bit more metaphorical language.

As it is, things are a bit candid. There's a lot of imagery going on (which is good), but you're describing things very specifically. You could afford to be a bit more vague and metaphorical, so that the listener/reader has room to use their imagination a little.

The opening line has a decent amount of metaphor: "a lifeless piece of rotten meat", and "the living drink my juices so sweet". Use more language like that.

A specific change I would make would be to change "lifeless piece of rotting meat" to "livingpiece of rotting meat". That suggests he knows he's alive, but he feels he might as well be dead (as he has "nothing to feel").

I should add that there's nothing inherently wrong with lyrics being candid, specific and lacking metaphor. But for the style you're clearly going for, they're not really suitable.

[QUOTE="Lto_thaG"]

[QUOTE="DmadFearmonger"]ExplainDmadFearmonger

There ain't no reason you and me should be alone Tonight, yeah baby, tonight, yeah baby But I got a reason that you-hoo should take me home tonight?

[QUOTE="DmadFearmonger"]

[QUOTE="Lto_thaG"] I don't really have an explanation.
Maybe the word I'm looking for is "whiny"

Lto_thaG

There ain't no reason you and me should be alone Tonight, yeah baby, tonight, yeah baby But I got a reason that you-hoo should take me home tonight?

Oh, you mean like this ? :P

Yoo

Firstly, if that text is your second attempt to make write a song, then Im impressed. Its far from perfect, but then again what is perfect? :)
Everbody has their own 5tyle(gamespots censoring is crippled) find your 5tyle Trust me, thats the most important thing.
It doesnt have to be unique, it just has to be something you are really comfortable with! experiment and learn what 5tyle suits you and your songs.
when writing lyrics, you need to keep in mind that you are actually going to vocally perform them as well, you need to make your text sync with your voice
and vice versa.

I think its a massive story you are trying to tell with just a few sentences, obviously it will leave us readers confused, making us fail to see the logic.
I would rethink the story and text a bit.
You got a child born deaf and blind.
Ok, then I would go deeper into the other senses and use metaphorical language in order to explain what he can feel, smell and taste.
The child would probably have formed a whole other kind of mental imagery of his senses, explore that.
That in its self, is a story and text with massive potential, you could write endlessly about a topic like that.

But its a nice try, a very nice try ;)
another thing, dont overthink and overanalyze your texts. You dont want a text to be perfect and robotic. Add your soul to it and it will be amazing!

[QUOTE="Lto_thaG"]

[QUOTE="DmadFearmonger"]What do you suggest I write about then?

There ain't no reason you and me should be alone Tonight, yeah baby, tonight, yeah baby But I got a reason that you-hoo should take me home tonight?

svenus97

Oh, you mean like this ? :P

[QUOTE="svenus97"]

[QUOTE="Lto_thaG"] That's way better.
Sounds poppy,I love it.A sick beat and people will be all over it.

Lto_thaG

Oh, you mean like this ? :P