How's my poem?(long read)

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GIJesse77

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#1 GIJesse77
Member since 2006 • 3034 Posts

I was wondering how you all felt about my poem. I konw this isn't a place filled with intellectuals and english majors, but still, i wanted so see how the general public felt about my writing.

`btw, im not real good in form or punctuation, but you'll still get the base ideas ofmy poem.

(~~~)

Wise old Magi,
bringers of air,
enlighten the day's evening with mystified prevalence,
guide the birds to meals of peace,
lash out your independent arts on the chains that imprison mutiny,
and recieve the sun as pardon for the lies that the generals spat.

Peoples of deep opression now march to the cold, pretentious mountains
where the god kings live,
hand in hand,
burnt with enough anger that could forever fuel the fires of hell
They have gathered among this grimy castle to exfoliate the trees of the dark grove,
cut the vein that feeds probability and doubt.

O, those searing torches,
lighting the couldron black sky.
May no longer this corrupt shaman channel coal through the rivers to impregnate the wound of freedom with infection.

dirty water,
withered vegetation,
and rusted metals.
We've waited centuries for the fires to succumb this dead land.
All those nights of anxiety,
all those days of impatience.
We still have lightyears to trek before achieving complete nirvana.

When can the predator can find the prey?

This cold blooded beast, though, has found serenity for the masses.
Abrading iniquity from its skin, and slightly grazing heaven.
It accounted for all of its frivolous acts,
unleashing the timeless truth that had been gaurded and watched by ancient jackals,
free from mystique.

O goodness, is it not the most beautiful sight ever seen?

The perceptions are aflame...

*sigh*

Stop it all!

Lets skip back to the bountiful orange orchid,
inside the sacred valley,
where the fish in the lake's jeweled waters meet the ever so dazzling, bright morning with a small leap of joy into the cool, breezing air.
Radiantly lit pathways leading to the acres of gardens,
azure skies lined and patterned with trenching clouds
that run like wild horses all the way from the other side of day.
O what such well recieved warmth this haven brings!

It helps drain the memories of this woeful tragdedy.

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quiglythegreat

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#2 quiglythegreat
Member since 2006 • 16886 Posts
I lol'ed.
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spyke412

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#3 spyke412
Member since 2006 • 882 Posts
I have no idea what it means but for some reason it was pretty cool.
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deactivated-5b1e62582e305

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#4 deactivated-5b1e62582e305
Member since 2004 • 30778 Posts
Amazing. 10/10.
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GIJesse77

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#5 GIJesse77
Member since 2006 • 3034 Posts
I lol'ed.quiglythegreat
why?
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CrimzonTide

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#6 CrimzonTide
Member since 2007 • 12187 Posts
It went all over the place, and had very little structure. I don't really get what you were trying to convey with this....
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Noldorin2646

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#7 Noldorin2646
Member since 2007 • 641 Posts

Good effort. But you got long ways to go if you want to be an actual poet. Then again, everybody had long ways to go when they started out.

By the way, even though free verse seems easier, it's a whole lot harder to give it a definitive shape. It's better if you follow some established structure when you just started writing poetry.

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GIJesse77

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#8 GIJesse77
Member since 2006 • 3034 Posts
well actualy, to tell you the truth, i rushed this one. I do write in structure, but i was more note taking than actually forming and strcuturing. Thats just something i do though, i immeditaley write whatever comes to my head, whether it just be some random line or something that truly makes sense. I don't really sit there and contemplate, but whenever i do, i can come out with something good.
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quiglythegreat

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#9 quiglythegreat
Member since 2006 • 16886 Posts
[QUOTE="quiglythegreat"]I lol'ed.GIJesse77
why?

Uh. It was like the lyrics to a really horrible Led Zeppelin song, to be perfectly honest.
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quiglythegreat

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#10 quiglythegreat
Member since 2006 • 16886 Posts
well actualy, to tell you the truth, i rushed this one. I do write in structure, but i was more note taking than actually forming and strcuturing. Thats just something i do though, i immeditaley write whatever comes to my head, whether it just be some random line or something that truly makes sense.GIJesse77
Well, poetry doesn't need any kind of structure at all to be brilliant.
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LJS9502_basic

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#11 LJS9502_basic
Member since 2003 • 180202 Posts
Honestly...it made no sense.
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GIJesse77

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#12 GIJesse77
Member since 2006 • 3034 Posts
[QUOTE="GIJesse77"]well actualy, to tell you the truth, i rushed this one. I do write in structure, but i was more note taking than actually forming and strcuturing. Thats just something i do though, i immeditaley write whatever comes to my head, whether it just be some random line or something that truly makes sense.quiglythegreat
Well, poetry doesn't need any kind of structure at all to be brilliant.

well, i can tell you konw more about poetry than i do. Where would you say i could improve on?
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quiglythegreat

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#13 quiglythegreat
Member since 2006 • 16886 Posts
[QUOTE="quiglythegreat"][QUOTE="GIJesse77"]well actualy, to tell you the truth, i rushed this one. I do write in structure, but i was more note taking than actually forming and strcuturing. Thats just something i do though, i immeditaley write whatever comes to my head, whether it just be some random line or something that truly makes sense.GIJesse77
Well, poetry doesn't need any kind of structure at all to be brilliant.

well, i can tell you konw more about poetry than i do. Where would you say i could improve on?

Coherence, not trying to sound like it's 1066.
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Proobie44

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#14 Proobie44
Member since 2006 • 5663 Posts
Honestly...it made no sense.LJS9502_basic
It sounds like he's trying to do an epic poem "Homer $tyle" but fails and goes Off-Topic :P
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GIJesse77

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#15 GIJesse77
Member since 2006 • 3034 Posts
[QUOTE="GIJesse77"][QUOTE="quiglythegreat"][QUOTE="GIJesse77"]well actualy, to tell you the truth, i rushed this one. I do write in structure, but i was more note taking than actually forming and strcuturing. Thats just something i do though, i immeditaley write whatever comes to my head, whether it just be some random line or something that truly makes sense.quiglythegreat
Well, poetry doesn't need any kind of structure at all to be brilliant.

well, i can tell you konw more about poetry than i do. Where would you say i could improve on?

Coherence, not trying to sound like it's 1066.

Its hard for me to stay consistently thinking, i want to express everything and condense it into a little package. For one, its hard to find diction and ideal phrases for my thoughts, which one reason lots of people get confused with my writing.
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quiglythegreat

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#16 quiglythegreat
Member since 2006 • 16886 Posts
[QUOTE="quiglythegreat"][QUOTE="GIJesse77"][QUOTE="quiglythegreat"][QUOTE="GIJesse77"]well actualy, to tell you the truth, i rushed this one. I do write in structure, but i was more note taking than actually forming and strcuturing. Thats just something i do though, i immeditaley write whatever comes to my head, whether it just be some random line or something that truly makes sense.GIJesse77
Well, poetry doesn't need any kind of structure at all to be brilliant.

well, i can tell you konw more about poetry than i do. Where would you say i could improve on?

Coherence, not trying to sound like it's 1066.

Its hard for me to stay consistently thinking, i want to express everything and condense it into a little package. For one, its hard to find diction and ideal phrases for my thoughts, which one reason lots of people get confused with my writing.

Yeah, that would do it. There's a Russian saying that goes something like 'don't write unless you can't live without it', or maybe that Russian was just lying to me, but the point is, don't do it to just write a poem. Do it because you'll explode if you don't and if you won't explode otherwise, it's not for you.
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GIJesse77

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#17 GIJesse77
Member since 2006 • 3034 Posts

[QUOTE="GIJesse77"][QUOTE="quiglythegreat"][QUOTE="GIJesse77"][QUOTE="quiglythegreat"][QUOTE="GIJesse77"]well actualy, to tell you the truth, i rushed this one. I do write in structure, but i was more note taking than actually forming and strcuturing. Thats just something i do though, i immeditaley write whatever comes to my head, whether it just be some random line or something that truly makes sense.quiglythegreat
Well, poetry doesn't need any kind of structure at all to be brilliant.

well, i can tell you konw more about poetry than i do. Where would you say i could improve on?

Coherence, not trying to sound like it's 1066.

Its hard for me to stay consistently thinking, i want to express everything and condense it into a little package. For one, its hard to find diction and ideal phrases for my thoughts, which one reason lots of people get confused with my writing.

Yeah, that would do it. There's a Russian saying that goes something like 'don't write unless you can't live without it', or maybe that Russian was just lying to me, but the point is, don't do it to just write a poem. Do it because you'll explode if you don't and if you won't explode otherwise, it's not for you.

I love that saying.

You know one thing that drives my sort of writing is my inspiration. I try not to be like my heros, but at the same time, having their same tone and archetype. Poets like Arthur Rimbuad, William blake, and Aldous Huxley (more of an author though) inspire me greatly.

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EboyLOL

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#18 EboyLOL
Member since 2006 • 5358 Posts
It doesn't make sense. You purposefully use complex-sounding words to make your poem look profound.
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proskater40000

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#19 proskater40000
Member since 2006 • 640 Posts
Not bad. I kinda see what you're saying there. It reminds me of a poem I wrote once.
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quiglythegreat

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#20 quiglythegreat
Member since 2006 • 16886 Posts

[QUOTE="quiglythegreat"][QUOTE="GIJesse77"][QUOTE="quiglythegreat"][QUOTE="GIJesse77"][QUOTE="quiglythegreat"][QUOTE="GIJesse77"]well actualy, to tell you the truth, i rushed this one. I do write in structure, but i was more note taking than actually forming and strcuturing. Thats just something i do though, i immeditaley write whatever comes to my head, whether it just be some random line or something that truly makes sense.GIJesse77

Well, poetry doesn't need any kind of structure at all to be brilliant.

well, i can tell you konw more about poetry than i do. Where would you say i could improve on?

Coherence, not trying to sound like it's 1066.

Its hard for me to stay consistently thinking, i want to express everything and condense it into a little package. For one, its hard to find diction and ideal phrases for my thoughts, which one reason lots of people get confused with my writing.

Yeah, that would do it. There's a Russian saying that goes something like 'don't write unless you can't live without it', or maybe that Russian was just lying to me, but the point is, don't do it to just write a poem. Do it because you'll explode if you don't and if you won't explode otherwise, it's not for you.

I love that saying.

You know one thing that drives my sort of writing is my inspiration. I try not to be like my heros, but at the same time, having their same tone and archetype. Poets like Arthur Rimbuad, William blake, and Aldous Huxley (more of an author though) inspire me greatly.

I've only ever read anything by Huxley. But in any event, you shouldn't just regurgitate authors' tone and archetype.
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tmac200913

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#21 tmac200913
Member since 2006 • 16647 Posts
not bad mayne
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GIJesse77

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#22 GIJesse77
Member since 2006 • 3034 Posts
[QUOTE="GIJesse77"]

[QUOTE="quiglythegreat"][QUOTE="GIJesse77"][QUOTE="quiglythegreat"][QUOTE="GIJesse77"][QUOTE="quiglythegreat"][QUOTE="GIJesse77"]well actualy, to tell you the truth, i rushed this one. I do write in structure, but i was more note taking than actually forming and strcuturing. Thats just something i do though, i immeditaley write whatever comes to my head, whether it just be some random line or something that truly makes sense.quiglythegreat

Well, poetry doesn't need any kind of structure at all to be brilliant.

well, i can tell you konw more about poetry than i do. Where would you say i could improve on?

Coherence, not trying to sound like it's 1066.

Its hard for me to stay consistently thinking, i want to express everything and condense it into a little package. For one, its hard to find diction and ideal phrases for my thoughts, which one reason lots of people get confused with my writing.

Yeah, that would do it. There's a Russian saying that goes something like 'don't write unless you can't live without it', or maybe that Russian was just lying to me, but the point is, don't do it to just write a poem. Do it because you'll explode if you don't and if you won't explode otherwise, it's not for you.

I love that saying.

You know one thing that drives my sort of writing is my inspiration. I try not to be like my heros, but at the same time, having their same tone and archetype. Poets like Arthur Rimbuad, William blake, and Aldous Huxley (more of an author though) inspire me greatly.

I've only ever read anything by Huxley. But in any event, you shouldn't just regurgitate authors' tone and archetype.

well, im not talking about they way they write and they're own personal opinions about things. I'm talking about the things they write about, like real deep and phsycological or just soothing, poems of stilness and such. I like to write that, if you could not already tell, and its things that they would write about too. I moreover like to write stillness sort of poems, kind of like that last messed up stanza in my poem with the orange orchid, i love that stuff.
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GIJesse77

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#23 GIJesse77
Member since 2006 • 3034 Posts
It doesn't make sense. You purposefully use complex-sounding words to make your poem look profound. EboyLOL
the diction fits perfectly.
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#24 freshgman
Member since 2005 • 12241 Posts
It looks like your trying to hard.
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Ellimist314

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#25 Ellimist314
Member since 2007 • 1375 Posts
To be perfectly honest, poetry is not really my thing. That said, it sounded pretty good.
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#26 Hinata237
Member since 2006 • 9416 Posts
It didn't make much sense... but whatever, It was still pretty good :)