ITT: Jokes that are actually funny

I once got naked in front of a female I liked. She took one look and gave an apology. She said she isn't into the whole lesbian thing. Weird thing is I'm a guy, a sad day indeed, :(.Wilfred_Owen

I was hoping for a gun. That joke was lame and unfunny.guynamedbilly

You're so smart that when you went to Albert Einsteins lab he said "Get out"

gotdangit

I have to hold this one in for 11 months of the year but here goes:

Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

gamermanps2

Three men are stranded on a cannibal island. The cannibals come up to the men and tell each of them to go out into the jungle, and bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit.
The first man goes out and comes back with 10 apples, the cannibals tell him that he must stick those 10 apples up his butt without laughing, or else he will be eaten. He gets two up there but cant fit anymore so he is eaten. The second man comes back with 10 cherries, the cannibals tell him the same thing, he gets 9 cherries up there, but on the last one he bursts out laughing and the cannibals proceed to eat him.
The two men meet up in heaven and the first guy asks the second guy "Man, you were so close! What happened, why'd you start laughing on the last cherry?"
The second guy replies "I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples"

Three men are stranded on a cannibal island. The cannibals come up to the men and tell each of them to go out into the jungle, and bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit.
The first man goes out and comes back with 10 apples, the cannibals tell him that he must stick those 10 apples up his butt without laughing, or else he will be eaten. He gets two up there but cant fit anymore so he is eaten. The second man comes back with 10 cherries, the cannibals tell him the same thing, he gets 9 cherries up there, but on the last one he bursts out laughing and the cannibals proceed to eat him.
The two men meet up in heaven and the first guy asks the second guy "Man, you were so close! What happened, why'd you start laughing on the last cherry?"
The second guy replies "I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples"

Mystical_Crayon

there was a korean couple:

Guy: Hon lets wiwishu, its been a long time since we've done it.

Girl: Hon come on, i have a headache :(

Guy: Please hon its really been a while since our last wiwishu, lets wiwishu tonight please

Girl: Hon there are people here, they might hear us not tonight ok?

Guy: Please hon its been so long since our last wiwishu , pretty please???

Finally the girl said yes.

And they started singing: WIWISHU A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

[QUOTE="cd_rom"]Shin: A device used to find furniture in the dark.McJugga

I seen this on Facebook, people and their status shuffle! :x

Not really a joke, but i thought it was kinda clever: Imagine ur stuck in a room, with only two doors. One door leads to a room with a big magnifying glass for a ceiling, so if u go that way the sun will burn u alive. The other door leads to a room with a dragon who will cook u with his dragon breath. Wich door would u choose? How do u get out alive? Ill give the answer later....... try n figure that one outSenorGuapo

when night comes i would get out from the first door..

[QUOTE="SenorGuapo"]Not really a joke, but i thought it was kinda clever: Imagine ur stuck in a room, with only two doors. One door leads to a room with a big magnifying glass for a ceiling, so if u go that way the sun will burn u alive. The other door leads to a room with a dragon who will cook u with his dragon breath. Wich door would u choose? How do u get out alive? Ill give the answer later....... try n figure that one outhellraiser_07

when night comes i would get out from the first door..

A duck walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender.

Bartender, "Hi, can I help you?"

Duck, "Yes, do you have any quackers?"

"No, sorry."

The next day the duck comes back at the same time

"Do you have any quackers?"

"No, I told you that yesterday"

The next day the duck comes back at the same time.

"Do you have any quackers?"

"No, and if you ask me again i'm going to nail your webbed feet to the ground!"

The next day the duck comes back at the same time.

"Do you have any nails?"

"No"

"Do you have any quackers?"

Hehehe isn't that great?

gotdangit

My favorite. One about shins was also good.

Three men are stranded on a cannibal island. The cannibals come up to the men and tell each of them to go out into the jungle, and bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit.
The first man goes out and comes back with 10 apples, the cannibals tell him that he must stick those 10 apples up his butt without laughing, or else he will be eaten. He gets two up there but cant fit anymore so he is eaten. The second man comes back with 10 cherries, the cannibals tell him the same thing, he gets 9 cherries up there, but on the last one he bursts out laughing and the cannibals proceed to eat him.
The two men meet up in heaven and the first guy asks the second guy "Man, you were so close! What happened, why'd you start laughing on the last cherry?"
The second guy replies "I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples"

Mystical_Crayon

Doc: For your health take only a cup of rice, lean meat and a saucer of kangkong. Fruits for dessert and lots of juice…. Fat guy: Doc, shall I take them before or after meals?

Look down in your pants and laugh at that, bucko.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces" If I'm going to die, I want to feel like a woman!"

She removes all of her clothes and asks" Is there someone one this plane man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says" Here, Iron this!"

[QUOTE="Mystical_Crayon"]

Three men are stranded on a cannibal island. The cannibals come up to the men and tell each of them to go out into the jungle, and bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit.
The first man goes out and comes back with 10 apples, the cannibals tell him that he must stick those 10 apples up his butt without laughing, or else he will be eaten. He gets two up there but cant fit anymore so he is eaten. The second man comes back with 10 cherries, the cannibals tell him the same thing, he gets 9 cherries up there, but on the last one he bursts out laughing and the cannibals proceed to eat him.
The two men meet up in heaven and the first guy asks the second guy "Man, you were so close! What happened, why'd you start laughing on the last cherry?"
The second guy replies "I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples"

darkmask1991

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces" If I'm going to die, I want to feel like a woman!"

She removes all of her clothes and asks" Is there someone one this plane man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says" Here, Iron this!"

Thats about as funny as the who "whats cheese that isn't yours?" joke.

A man goes to see his doctor for a complete physical examination.

The doctor begins the examination but after a minute or so he looks at the man and says, "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating"

"Why's that?", asks the man.

The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to give you an exmination".

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces" If I'm going to die, I want to feel like a woman!"

She removes all of her clothes and asks" Is there someone one this plane man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says" Here, Iron this!"

[QUOTE="super_mario_128"][QUOTE="clembo1990"]How do you get Lady Gaga annoyed? Poke 'er facedramaybaz

.

.

.

Coz they ARRRRR....

Another pirate joke:

So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch...

Bartender: Hey pirate, how did that steering wheel get on your crotch?

Pirate: I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!

....:|

A jew walks by a christians house and sees him spraying water on his car, he asks the christian what he's doing and he says "I'm christening my new car with holy water" A few hours later the christian is going by the jew's house and sees him sawing off a bit of the exhaust pipe, he asks the jew what he's doing and the jew replies "I'm performing a circumcision on my new car!"

Thats about as funny as the who "whats cheese that isn't yours?" joke.

travisstaggs

Thats about as funny as the who "whats cheese that isn't yours?" joke.

Thats about as funny as the who "whats cheese that isn't yours?" joke.

[QUOTE="GenTom"]Pirate joke: Pirate 1: Where are my buccan-eer's? Pirate 2: Under your Buckin-Hat!-FlyLo-

Some classic Frankie Boyle jokes

Does anyone else think that Camilla is almost exactly what Diana would have looked like if she survived the crash?

Remember years ago when they were making Braveheart? Everyone was saying, "Oh, its ridiculous; Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy? That's not going to be very convincing!"

But take a look at him now: an alcoholic Racist!

My Gran said to me, "Young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young".

I had to explain, "That's because they aren't trying to **** you now."

Once, there was an inflatable boy who wen to an inflatabl school where everything is inflatable. One day, he got in trouble fo bringing a pin to school. The principal said "you've let me down, you've let yourself down and you've le everyone else down"

Another joke: Womans rights! :lol: but, seriously, how they got out of the kitchen, i'll never know

If a worm, a sukwurth and a cheetah had a race, what would win?

[spoiler] The answer to the inevitable, "What's a sukwurth (suck worth)?" = For you, about $100 :lol: [/spoiler]

[QUOTE="-FlyLo-"][QUOTE="travisstaggs"]

Thats about as funny as the who "whats cheese that isn't yours?" joke.

mr__gameboy

I got a couple: A guy walks into a bar and says, "I can get any girl I want". The bartender says, "What are you, a millionaire?" The guy says, "Nope, I'm a rapist." A guy walks into a urinal and sees a guy standing there with no arms. He's sympathetic, but right before he can unleash, the armless guy says, "Mate, can you do me a huge favour? Can you... Hold it so I can pee?" The guy looks at the armless bloke, sleeves limply hanging by his side, and figures, Man Code, help a brother out. So this guy gets the armless guys wang out and, Jesus - this thing has the ABC's of the STD's on it. Peeling, flaking, oozing - something is seriously wrong with this penis Before he can object the guy with no arms says, "Mate, one more favour, can you hold it while I pee?" The guy's disgusted but performs his manly duties. As he helps put the armless guys messed up cock back in his pants he has to ask: "Mate, what is up with your wang?" The armless guy pulls his arms outta his sleeves and says: "I dunno but Im not touching it..."D3nnyCrane

Ive heard that one before, its still great! :D