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Let's Talk about BEARS!!!!!!!! (please read. very important.)

Paladin_King · 2009-03-15 11:56:34

No, not gay hairy lumberjacks you sick freaks. I mean these sorts of bears:Seriously, what do you guys think of bears?Personally, I think bears are freaking awesome. I hate animals, but bears rule! I'm not sure why exactly, but bears are just great.Even the word. Say it with me. 'BEAR!' Single syllable, gruff, and totally badass. Now say 'tiger.' Say 'lion.' Just not the same is it? Now say 'bear' again. Feels good doesn't it? What an awesome word!And bears deserve it. Look at that guy up there, just chilling out on a rock and just plain not giving a ****. Bears know how to chill, they know how to relax. Bears are cool customers.Yet on the other hand.....Mommy!Bears know how to **** you up. Look at that guy. He means business. Just earlier, he's chilling on a rock, but now he's standing up on his hind legs, ready to deliver a beatdown. Bears know about conserving energy. They chill, out, but they also know how to get stuff DONE when it needs getting done.The way bears attack is also great. Seriously, look at those teeth! Insane! Yet in particular, they paw you to death. That rules. Think about it, it's weirdly funny. Bear paws look so soft and inviting, and yet one swipe, and you're done, son! Bears are probably the only animal whose preferred method of attack is basically a 'love tap.' One quick pawing and you're ruined!I guess bears are just so excellent because they are the ultimate paradox. They appear so soft, warm, furry, and inviting when they want to be, and yet they're also total monsters. They're nature's big, fat bearded bikers with a heart of gold.AwwwwwwOh ****!As fierce as bears are though, one can't ignore their hibernation. That's awesome. Could you tell your boss 'no Mr. Rick Johnson, I can't make it to work today...in fact I can't make it to work for the next 4 months. I'll be sleeping. Just chilling. I'll see you in the spring! The weather sucks anyway, so I've elected to stay in my crib and sleep through it.' Bears can do that. Humans would call sleeping for several months 'depression.' But bears don't get depressed, they just rule.Look at that bear, he knows the score. He eats whatever he wants, gorging himself for months and months, and then he passes out. Bears know how to party.He sleeps through the crappiest weather of the year and wakes up when everyone's ready to bust out the Bermuda shorts. Though bears cannot wear Bermudas, I am confident that if they could, they would. Except, bears will never wear flip-flops.Let's talk about some physical stats of bears. Just as bears are living paradoxes in their ferocity vs their cuddliness, so too are they paradoxes with regards to their assets. They are nature's leviathans and are truly gods on Earth.The average Grizzly bear weighs a titanic 1000-1200 pounds (wow!) and when standing vertically, is a monolithic 10 and a half feet tall (Jebus!). That's another thing...bears are comfortable walking on two legs or on four. Can you do that? I don't think so.Here's the thing though, despite being nature Goliaths, they are capable of RUNNING UP TO 40 MILES PER HOUR! Oh my God! Can you imagine what would happen if 1200 pounds of furred awesome slammed into you weak, pale, pathetic body at 40mph? I can't, BECAUSE I WOULD BE DEAD!That said, I think it is VERY POSSIBLE that were this to happen, I might find myself suddenly being served tea and crumpets in merry olde England on June 27th, 1864. Bears could become tools that allow time travel. This demands further investigation.Here's another quick fact about bears. Many times when naturalists want to depopulate an area of forest, they just drop in a couple bears and wait. Seriously. And it works EVERY SINGLE TIME. It's like using a bear bomb. Bears = WMDs. They operate like commandos, but instead of Arnold, you get bears. That rules. How can you be surprised? The only animals that the bears don't slay outright, are those who got the hell out of dodge the moment they heard that bears were in town. Can you blame them? I'd do the same thing. If someone told me there was a bear in my home, I'd jump out my window as fast as possible, and I live on the sixth floor of an apartment complex! When you are on bear territory you only have two options: die, or run.^^Bears fighting, knowing that the only way to defeat one bear is through the awesomeness of another bear.Speaking of which, I'm sick and tired of campers worrying and complaining about bears. What do you expect you fools? You're in bear country! You're in the bear's castle! The woods = bear 'hood. If you're on their turf, the bears have full rights to kill you, destroy your stuff, help themselves to your food, and raise your children. It's not hard to understand: if you are in bear country, YOU ARE OWNED BY BEARS. There is nothing to complain about here.^^ This man died 4 seconds after this picture was taken. He deserved it for such presumption. His last words were 'AAAAAAAAAAHHHH.'In closing, I would like to briefly discuss the military potential of bears. This may be frightening for some. I believe that I have empirically PROVEN that the first country to weaponize the use of bear riders would be the world's next great superpower and would be for years to come. Now some naive people may attempt to point out that bears can and have been killed before by conventional firearms (though I do contest this: I believe the bears faked their own deaths, like Tupac), but this is foolish. When the enemy is confronted by a majestic squad of bear riders charging in at them, they will be so overcome by awesomeness that they won't be able to get a shot off. This is BASIC military strategy.^^the future of modern ...

Deihjan

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#51 Deihjan

Member since 2008 • 30213 Posts

I actually touched a bear once.. But it was chained through it's jaw.. D: It was in bulgaria :cry: poor bear. It was really cute.

15 years ago

Tauruslink

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#52 Tauruslink

Member since 2005 • 6586 Posts

I like bears. But I prefer wolves.

15 years ago

GwannaSauna

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#53 GwannaSauna

Member since 2008 • 583 Posts

Bears are great, but I don't worship them. I think I'd only be afraid of bears with guns... :shock:

15 years ago

Deihjan

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#54 Deihjan

Member since 2008 • 30213 Posts

Bears are great, but I don't worship them. I think I'd only be afraid of bears with guns... :shock:
GwannaSauna

15 years ago

queen_valentine

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#55 queen_valentine

Member since 2004 • 5870 Posts

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Bears are scary xD

15 years ago

GwannaSauna

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#56 GwannaSauna

Member since 2008 • 583 Posts

*posts picture of Bears with Guns*Deihjan

Yeah, I was kind of referencing that :lol:

15 years ago

greenprince

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#57 greenprince

Member since 2006 • 3332 Posts

TC that was a convincing argument, you should write for Cracked.com.

15 years ago

Buck_Hotep

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#58 Buck_Hotep

Member since 2003 • 10589 Posts

[QUOTE="-Shooter-"]
I like this bear better
:shock:
Deihjan

He's sexy, he survives on strange things... and he's married :cry:

He ate poop.

15 years ago

Deihjan

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#59 Deihjan

Member since 2008 • 30213 Posts

He ate poop.
Buck_Hotep

He ate a live herring today :D and..he did? x.x

15 years ago

Buck_Hotep

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#60 Buck_Hotep

Member since 2003 • 10589 Posts

[QUOTE="Buck_Hotep"]
He ate poop.
Deihjan

He ate a live herring today :D and..he did? x.x

I think so. That or he squeezed water out of some. I'm wondering how that Bear will do against another bear.

15 years ago

AzureEm

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#61 AzureEm

Member since 2008 • 788 Posts

[QUOTE="Deihjan"][QUOTE="Buck_Hotep"]
He ate poop.
Buck_Hotep

He ate a live herring today :D and..he did? x.x

I think so. That or he squeezed water out of some. I'm wondering how that Bear will do against another bear.

All he has to do is keep talking to the bear in his annoying over-excited voice and the bear will just jump off a cliff.

15 years ago

Deihjan

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#62 Deihjan

Member since 2008 • 30213 Posts

[QUOTE="Buck_Hotep"]
[QUOTE="Deihjan"] He ate a live herring today :D and..he did? x.xAzureEm

I think so. That or he squeezed water out of some. I'm wondering how that Bear will do against another bear.

All he has to do is keep talking to the bear in his annoying over-excited voice and the bear will just jump off a cliff.

I say it creates a PIME TARADOX!

15 years ago

sAndroid17

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#63 sAndroid17

Member since 2005 • 8715 Posts

[QUOTE="Paladin_King"][QUOTE="LtBoris"]

another bear thread, huh?

I figured it's been too long. I went through hell wrestling with GS tech on this one. 40 freaking minutes. I'm a stubborn bastard though. I did it for the bears.

haha its only been like 2 weeks:P

15 years ago

legend26

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#64 legend26

Member since 2007 • 16010 Posts

i think not ;)

15 years ago

Neon-Tiger

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#65 Neon-Tiger

Member since 2008 • 7683 Posts

Big cats say bears are cool.

15 years ago

soldier-dark

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#66 soldier-dark

Member since 2005 • 5909 Posts

I am going to argue your claim that bears are superior. My argument will be me stomping out into the woods, yelling for any bear to take me on. If any of them can muster enough courage to come at me, I will kill them. With my teeth. I will then proceed to eat this bear raw. I will take what's left of it and show all his bear buddies, who I will then send to tell you news of this unless they want to face the same fate as their friend.

15 years ago

lucky326

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#67 lucky326

Member since 2006 • 3799 Posts

The new Great British Cavalry Divisons will feature Bears, you heard it here first. Of course there was a Bear that was a member of a Polish Regiment during WW2 and was trained to carry ammunition through trenchies, called Voytek or something like that.

15 years ago

tzar3

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#68 tzar3

Member since 2006 • 12393 Posts

Bears are awesome, they are the very embodiment of strength, ferocity, and pure laziness.

15 years ago

TheZ3nMan

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#69 TheZ3nMan

Member since 2007 • 2658 Posts

The new Great British Cavalry Divisons will feature Bears, you heard it here first. Of course there was a Bear that was a member of a Polish Regiment during WW2 and was trained to carry ammunition through trenchies, called Voytek or something like that.lucky326

I mentioned the Voytek bit earlier. Awesome stuff.

15 years ago

StrawberryHill

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