My will to live is slipping....(long read)

I don't know if I wish to fight for something that I really don't care to have.

I consider existence a curse. From all I've been through, it's a curse. I'm living a life of misery, and it may get much worse. I may lose my left arm. This is from a very serious disease I was diagnosed with at 20 (31 now), and I won't get into the details as it would take forever to explain. Let's just say I'm fighting and am seriously doubting my ability to survive. I have been through so much in 11 years that it's a bit hard to believe I'm still here.

I'm in pain a majority of the time, I get chemotherapy which makes me very sick 4 days out of the week (I've grown intimate with the porcelain goddess) and have to repeat it week after week for a year (unless my white blood cell count is too low where I get a week off), and then be on it chronically on and off throughout my life. For those who've never had to endure chemo-"therapy", let's just say it's a horrific, barbaric treatment that is merciless and brutal. It basically is getting repeatedly poisoned. Why would I wish to live with something like this? Can anyone give me any valid reason at all?

I hate God. Boy have I got something to tell Him when we arrive face to face....that's assuming He even exists. And if He does, I will never worship Him, because I simply don't believe creation and existence are gifts. Cast me down, you think I haven't suffered?Life can be a living nightmare.This has led me to embrace various Eastern Religious views: namely Buddism, Hinduism, and Pantheism. They make the most sense to me. As such, I have come to believe in rebirth, which is even more depressing. Who'd want to live over and over again?What an ultimate bummer. But it sure as hell makes more sense to me than some loving, caring father in the sky. My heart is now filled with hate, bitterness, and rage towards that figure, where once gratefulness, happiness, and optimism resided. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed in bed while sobbing uncontrollably for some form of relief, begging, pleading for anything. What a crock of ****!

Trying to keep a positive attitude is very, very difficult. I have pictures of people with no arms, those who are paraplegic, in Iraq, etc. on my walls to remind me of what I do have everyday.I give blessings to my parents and all they provide, and the care that our medical professionals are able to accomplish. Still it's hard, and man do I try. I find it incredibly insensitive and uncompassionate for people to look at other people in distress and negatively judge them for not consistently holding a positive attitude. It's kicking someone when they're down. Someone gets diagnosed with a life threatening disease, and then is blamed and looked down upon because they are not constantly positive. Don't people realize we have our really hard days? Who the hell are they to judge? It's like people who are very sick are held to an even higher expectations of constant optimism than those that aren't sick. If they aren't positive, they are weak. What the hell do they know of strength??

Simply put, I'm in misery and, quite frankly, life blows. At this point, the highlight of my day is right before I go to bed, take narcotics, and slip into my dreams. Then I awake to pain, constant nausea, and an overall feeling of misery. And I should thank a creator for this? What? Am I allowed into a higher level in heaven for enduring this torment, or is Satan simply gaining enjoyment through it before he warmly embraces me for my eternal stay at the hellfire hotel for lying and lusting?Am I given this because "God only gives those of us what He knows they can handle"? Gee whiz, do I feel special! I have looked for answers EVERYWHERE. The more questions I ask, the more come up, and the more confused I become.

Go ahead, tell me to get off the self-pity wagon, I've heard it all before many times. Walk in my shoes. I'm trying everything to get on my feet, wake up, reach inside and continue my life, and everytime I attempt to reach inside myself I come up with nothing. It's a self-discovery that I am not enjoying finding out, but I WILL eventually change it, even if it kills me. I can do better than this. I fight everyday and do have my good days, but this is a semi-bad one. Don't mistake me, I do get out on my good days and go diving, take drives, go to the beach, lust at hot chicks. Talking about going to the beach....don't stare at someone with a physical deformity......for future reference--it's extremely rude.

To top it off, no one wishes to be around me. Big surprise eh? I don't blame them in the least. No one enjoys being around someone miserable. I really do not have any friends. Zero. Some in California, but even they are not returning my calls. There's one person on here that I am grateful to be in contact with, you know who you are and I am very grateful to you. I'm on the verge of rage constantly, and am afraid I'll snap and do something I'll seriously regret. My anger seeps out of my pores at everyone. I'm resentful of healthy people, not that I choose to be, I am....just like you can't choose to be in love. I can't assign logic to emotion, and am incapable of changing how I feel through sheer willpower.

I just am coming to the end of my rope. There's only so much I can handle and what I have is pushing it. I can't make sense of anything, I'm spinning in space, nothing works and as hard as I try it seems like fate has predestined me to leaving this earth earlier than planned. That perhaps would turn out to not be such a bad thing maybe. I'll try to take it a day at a time, that's the only way I know how. I owe my life to those I love as I would never put them through such hardship as taking my own life. Once they are gone however, what's to stop me from joining them? I go to therapy once a month (all my healthcare provider gives, which is not enough.....twice a week is what's needed.) My anti-depressants are many, I'm contemplating stopping them completely and just riding it out and seeing where it leads. WTF? How can life turn from such excitment, hope, and wonder to such despair and horror in such a short amount of time? Maybe there's a big payoff in the future for me, but as it stands now the present SUCKS.

Hell and Heaven are not someplace we go to after we die, we are living it right now.

And NO, I didn't feel like blogging it.

I can't imagine what you're going through. I can't even offer any advice. But I did read what you wrote and I can only hope that things get better for you.

I'm not going to try to claim I know how it feels.

I'm just going to say I really find it impossible to imagine what you've gone through, and I didn't mind having to read a long post.

I hope things start to get better for you one day.

im so sorry, i cant think of anything to say but that. :|

ehh, you just have to keep fighting, i know it can be hard, but living dose has it rewards when they come. Death is never the answer.

Try to find something that could cheer you up, since your on game spot, play lots of games your addicted to, that's always help for me, or and eating lots of junk lol

Fight the good fight buddy, yes it's easy for me to say that & i can't even imagine how you are feeling but stay strong & do what makes you happy.

I weep for you and cannot imagine what you are going through. As you say, many will try to say "look on the bright side of life" but at times, a bright side simply cannot be seen. There are times when life simply sucks. The rest deals a lot with God. If you don't want to hear it then you can simply skip over it. I don't want this to become a religious debate, I just want to give some hope to you if you at least think there is a possiblity of a God.

At times passages of Scripture like Psalm 22:1 become more real than anything, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?" When life is crap it is hard to see God, but it is the time in our lives that we seek Him the most... or curse Him the most. Though life seems so horrible, comfort can be found in the worst of circumstances. Even in the times in our lives when it seems all hope is lost, we can still have hope that God does care. He says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Even when our emotions choke us to the point of almost death, the fact that God is there can never be vanquished. Though all hope can seemingly be lost, there is always a hope. If you'd like to read the Bible to see what it has to say, I highly recommend reading either Job or the Psalms.

It makes me sad to see such a powerful mind trapped in a body with that disease. I could understand your feelings, but I could never imagine this depth that you feel

You do need to keep hopes up, however. Better days will come

also, I do believe we reborn, but that doesnt make it a bad thing, in fact it makes everything irrelevant, and irrelevant is the most comfort thing in life

I've heard that marijuana helps a lot with chemo. My friend smoked it while on chemo and he said it made him feel better. I'd just give it a try to see if it helps. If you aren't into the whole "illegal" thing, depending on what state you live in you can get a legal medical marijuana license.

I think you are too much influenced from religious extremists and radical materialists. Don't let these people influence you too much because they are both wrong about life. Actually I think I feel quite the same way but the good thing is I know what I want from life andI have my goals and dreams. I'm just not sure I could achieve and fulfil them.

I don't even think of disease, suicide and death because I know my life could be better if only I would invest some effort to make it better. Life has so much to offer but because of economic and governmental restrictions and control we only get to experience a small part of it. I want to experience life to the fullest and reach my goals and dreams before I die.

My biggest dream was always to live in Canada and make a lot of money but in order to do that first I need to complete my matriculation exams with high grades and get a matriculation diploma and then I want to go on to Technion university in Israel. Then after completing several degrees at Technion I want to try to get a good job in Canada and make a lot of money, maybe even start a business or something. Before I go to Canada, I want to find an Israeli woman I find attractive and get married someday but that is not currently my highest priority. My highest priority currently is to get a driving license and to complete my maltriculation (also called Bagrut) exams in order to get a diploma so I could go on to Technion university.

I'm sure you have your goals and dreams too, you just have been told to forget about them. We have been told not to live by those who oppress us the most. My recommendation is not to listen to them and always be optimistic: Live and enjoy life to the fullest while you can because this is probably the only life you're gonna get.

I think you should stop looking for philosophies and religions to try and answer your questions. There are a lot of questions in this world that we simply will never find the answers to, no matter how much any faith insists that it is the "truth."

If you are in California, I would seriously recommend medical marijuana. You said you have pain, nausea, and depression/misery. All of these things can be helped by marijuana, especially the nausea and depression. Pain is tough, and you might not be able to block it. As long as you don't try and use it as a crutch or let it control your life, I seriously believe that it would help you. Just treat it like any other medication. Use it when you need it, and i think your life will improve to some extent. I would avoid anti-depressants unless you feel like they are actually helping because they have some awful side effects, including suicidal thoughts.

Also try finding a hobby that you really enjoy doing, such as music or art. There is some innate satisfaction in creating something that is truly great, and i think this would also help you enjoy life. I'm not saying that drawing pictures will help you get over chemo, but it will give you an enjoyable way to spend your time and produce things that you can look at with pride, self-satisfaction, and hope.

I deeply sympathize with you and I can only think that in some respect you are right in what you say, but I'm notareligious person so God for meis off the subject. Anways, I hope one day you can look back on thiswith a better outlookshould I say? Either way, it sounds like it might not get better, it might no one is to say.I just hope for your sake it does get better cause to be going through something like this at a young age (your older than me by 8 years but nevertheless it's still a young age) I could only imagine what your parents are going through.

If it's so bad you could just end it. I've always said that you either do or you dont, so rather than saying it just do it. If you can find a reason to get out of bed every morning, keep on living. If not, well, you know what to do.

freek666

thats a bit harsh..... :|

thats a bit harsh..... :|joesh89

I think you are too much influenced from religious extremists and radical materialists. Don't let these people influence you too much because they are both wrong about life. Actually I think I feel quite the same way but the good thing is I know what I want from life andI have my goals and dreams. I'm just not sure I could achieve and fulfil them.X4D

When I say they are both wrong I meant that: Materialists and evolutionists see the world as composed only of matter. They fail to see the moral, spiritual and religious elements of the world. To materialist evolutionists life is completely material (or matter). They don't acknowledge that caring for other people and family is a moral element which humans possess. Unfortunately for them, we are also spiritual and moral beings as much as being material beings too.

Religious extremists on the other hand are also wrong. They think life should be based purely on morals and love for God and others while ignoring basic human material desires. Unfortunately life does not work that way either because we are also material beings not just moral and spiritual beings. Ignoring the material aspect of reality leads to unjust control and unhappiness.

Personally I feel like I need to experience life to the fullest to be happy. My current dream is to live in Canada. When I was younger my dream was to be an Astronaut and travel to the Moon and Mars. Today I doubt if I could achieve that because it takes too much effort and I'm already too old now to be qualified for an Astronaut.

If it's so bad you could just end it. I've always said that you either do or you dont, so rather than saying it just do it. If you can find a reason to get out of bed every morning, keep on living. If not, well, you know what to do.

If it's so bad you could just end it. I've always said that you either do or you dont, so rather than saying it just do it. If you can find a reason to get out of bed every morning, keep on living. If not, well, you know what to do.

First off, I'd like to thank you all for all the great responses.

All I can think is that it's better for you to keep your faith in God, for the hope of something better. Changing to another religion seems to be looking for an easier way out and you really don't need that at all.SolidSnake35

Whynot? An easier way out is what I'm looking for. I mean, not EASY, but tolerable at least. With meaning. A path that I can follow and embrace to at least try to make some sense of what is going on. Isn't that what religion is for? I never changed my religion, never really had one or explored one until my diagnosis, and the views I hold now have been borne through past experiences.

I weep for you and cannot imagine what you are going through. As you say, many will try to say "look on the bright side of life" but at times, a bright side simply cannot be seen. There are times when life simply sucks. The rest deals a lot with God. If you don't want to hear it then you can simply skip over it. I don't want this to become a religious debate, I just want to give some hope to you if you at least think there is a possiblity of a God. At times passages of Scripture like Psalm 22:1 become more real than anything, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?" When life is crap it is hard to see God, but it is the time in our lives that we seek Him the most... or curse Him the most. Though life seems so horrible, comfort can be found in the worst of circumstances. Even in the times in our lives when it seems all hope is lost, we can still have hope that God does care. He says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Even when our emotions choke us to the point of almost death, the fact that God is there can never be vanquished. Though all hope can seemingly be lost, there is always a hope. If you'd like to read the Bible to see what it has to say, I highly recommend reading either Job or the Psalms.

mindstorm

Jesus sounds like my homeboy, I agree with him about the forsaken part.

Nothing personal meant by this, but how can you believe? I once felt somewhat as you do before all this occurred,, but after a while of seemingly endless, painful struggle that seems to bear no fruit other than to maintain the status quo, there comes a time where literally all hope is lost and the question arises of whether or not the fight is worth it or is simply an exercise in futility. As I said, why would a loving being allow such things in life? I have read the Bible in the past, and though I found it incredibly dull and boring, perhaps I should give it another try. I'll admit though, my bias and incredulity will be working against me.

Wow dude thats harsh, may i ask, will you recover and if you do how long?FirstDiscovery

My illness is chronic. Basically a bening lemon sized tumor in the left side of my chest that continually grows and grows. The only treatment is chemo, it's non-resectable (removable), next to my heart, is eating into the main nerves leading to my left arm, and is growing into the top section of my left lung. There's no cure, the best I can hope for is to stop it's growth with constant chemo. I don't quite expect to get rid of it and am actually fine living with it, as I've learnt to dealing with living in pain, if I could just not go through chemo all throughout my life I'd be the luckiest person on earth.

I've heard that marijuana helps a lot with chemo. My friend smoked it while on chemo and he said it made him feel better. I'd just give it a try to see if it helps. If you aren't into the whole "illegal" thing, depending on what state you live in you can get a legal medical marijuana license.

Dopemonk736

I do use it occassionally, it helps with the nausea. I live in an area where the cops couldn't care less about pot unless you're a major grower, so I'm not worried. The downside is that it does feed into my depression.

My great grandfather had battled with a stroke and terminal cancer before he died. He always kept an upbeat attitude. I guess the experience is different from person to person, but there are still things you enjoy in life, like driving and going to the beach. You should enjoy the moments you have, because you obviously think it won't get better, even after you die. If not, you're condemning yourself to the state you are in, a state in which you'll spend your remaining time hating everything and liking nothing. You'll find no enjoyment or relief in the anger, it wont take away the pain.hokies1313

But I relish in it. As strange as it sounds, I embrace my anger as it's the only way I know how to deal with it. It's an incredibly powerful emotion that's getting to the point of ruining my life. How do I deal with such rage? It's eating me alive, yet I face it which only seems to feed it more. Ignoring it is impossible at this stage, confronting it does not seem to be helping either.

When I clicked on this I saw a wall of text and scrolled down only to read some posts and scrolled straight up to read it all. It is a moving story, but DO NOT give up and please do not lose your faith in God, because if my parents lost faith in God when my brother had meningitis I am pretty sure he would not be with me today. Its isnt Gods fault the majority of people dont see miracles everyday. Man practicly said "Get stuffed God we can get by just fine without you" many thousands of years ago, where the was no illness, no famines and no natural disasters. God gave us free will and we abused it. I see a miracle everyday and am gratefull for that, I hope one day you can look into a mirror and see a miracle looking back.JiM-777

Lose my faith in God? Brother, I tell you....it's already long, long gone. About free will....that and original sin just don't cut it for me.Suffering must have a greater cause, I really don't believe it is that simple. I cannot imagine such degrees of pain, (hell, there are people FAR worse off then I am) are caused from random occurances (okay, free will....can't much argue with that I suppose), but WHY would any higher power allow us into such a situation? Out of love? Indifference is a much more apt description. It's not so much the fact that suffering occurs, what I have a problem with is accepting, much less appreciating, being thrust into a situation that has the potential to be so utterly cruel. I do not see that as love. I don't see it as hate either, so like I said....indifference. Now try to understand I've been holding a very pessimistic view of the world, which isn't surprising, so I realize I'm jaded.

Anyhow, thank you all. I would really like to hear some stories about any hardships from anyone willing to share. How you got through them, what they were if you guys are OK with that. I don't care how small or big.

And finally, Freek666.....you crack me up. Honestly, that was what I needed, it gave me a good laugh. Think I'll post that on my wall as well.

This is why when people are fortunate they need to enjoy and make every moment beloved and not take their wealth and good fortune, for granted.

And to the guy with the Cool Story, Bro picture this is not the place for that, even though you have the right to express your feelings.

I'm sorry to hear that friend, I really hope things get better.

I usually find comfort when I am sad by watching videos of starving, poor children actually having fun and enjoying themselves. I see them having their fun and then look at myself, what I have and where I live. I wonder why I can't be more like them and find the joys in life that they find. Then I go and share that joy with others around me. What makes me happy is improving other peopels way of life. It makes me feel accomplishes and gives me insight into what to look forward to in the future.

you gotta desparately find things that make life worth living, hobbies, studies, etc.. their stable and enjoyable things that can make life worth living.

and some people just gotta bad deal, it sucks, i feel bad for ya

lame attempt to make you feel better, even though its bull and your still having a bad time and you deserve better im guessing, but atleast your not in prison for the rest of your life for a crime you didnt commit, and getting raped daily, hopefully that makes you feel a little better for a second.

[QUOTE="mindstorm"]

I weep for you and cannot imagine what you are going through. As you say, many will try to say "look on the bright side of life" but at times, a bright side simply cannot be seen. There are times when life simply sucks. The rest deals a lot with God. If you don't want to hear it then you can simply skip over it. I don't want this to become a religious debate, I just want to give some hope to you if you at least think there is a possiblity of a God.

At times passages of Scripture like Psalm 22:1 become more real than anything, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?" When life is crap it is hard to see God, but it is the time in our lives that we seek Him the most... or curse Him the most. Though life seems so horrible, comfort can be found in the worst of circumstances. Even in the times in our lives when it seems all hope is lost, we can still have hope that God does care. He says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Even when our emotions choke us to the point of almost death, the fact that God is there can never be vanquished. Though all hope can seemingly be lost, there is always a hope. If you'd like to read the Bible to see what it has to say, I highly recommend reading either Job or the Psalms.

RockysCatnipCo

true.. if god were to give him his health then that would be worthwhile though, but ofcourse god is too busy banging nuns to care im sure.

Wow.. that's horrible... I almost cried. I don't know what to say :(

Frankl wrote "Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." That's the only advice I can give. Only you can choose your path. Your suffering is unique, so too must be your response to it.

Frankl wrote "Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." That's the only advice I can give. Only you can shoose your path. Your suffering is unique, so too must be your response to it.hillelslovak

still doesnt help him be content or happy in life, such a basic answer

[QUOTE="hillelslovak"]Frankl wrote "Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." That's the only advice I can give. Only you can shoose your path. Your suffering is unique, so too must be your response to it.riptoe222

still doesnt help him be content or happy in life, such a basic answer

You have gotten this far bro why give up no extend that rope keep on going try to find something that dosent make you angry maybe help other people. Dont give in. I read your story yea you have it bad but has some people say you only live once.Keep going you can make it through it.

You have gotten this far bro why give up no extend that rope keep on going try to find something that dosent make you angry maybe help other people. Dont give in. I read your story yea you have it bad but has some people say you only live once.Keep going you can make it through it.

Bigboss232

I have a feeling that I can't really say much that will be terribly meaningful, as the only truthful answer I can give to whether I fully understand and appreciate your situation would be "no". But at the same time I feel that I can't really say nothing.

I could get all philosophical, but there's a time and a place for that, and it usually is when none of the participants actually have to deal with this thing we call reality. So I won't.

What I will say, however, is that the biggest thing that struck me in what you said is the way in which you expressed hatred and anger for, well, a lot of things. I won't tell you that hatred and anger is unjustified, because that's not exactly something I could say with any authority. However, I can say that while there are a lot of times when hatred and anger are perhaps warranted, in none of those cases is it actually ultimately helpful. They say that life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it, and I've found that largely to be the case. The only person truly capable of telling you that you should be satisfied, happy, angry, or sad is you. I know that this sounds cliche, because it is, but cliches tend to gain their status through having at least some semblance of truth in them.

I won't claim to know what you're going through. But I will say that I myself have had a period of time where I was depressed constantly. I did some things I wish I hadn't, and I hurt some people I wish I hadn't. To this day I still have not forgiven myself for the hell I put people through, and I very much doubt that I will ever do so before the day I die. But if there's one thing I gained from that experience, it was a deep and lasting appreciation for the fundamentals in life. I suppose a cynic might say that I lowered my standards terribly, but I prefer to see it as simply having my eyes opened to what really mattered.

Nothing really has changed between then and now - I still don't have a girlfriend; I still don't have many friends; I still am more or less alone most of the time; and I still spend more time than I would like to admit in front of my computer. But what did change was the fact that I no longer minded the bad parts of life. I don't mind that I don't have all these things in life, because the sun can still be shining when I wake up, and I can still give my time and money to brighten someone else's day, and I can still appreciate all the other simple pleasures in life that most don't even notice.

I used to blame God in one way or another for what happened. But today, I thank God for everything right in my life, and I try not to concern myself for the parts that are wrong which I cannot help, because at the end of the day, there's no reward at all for having done so. I'm not going to tell you not to hate God out of the interest of your own salvation or something like that, because I know very well that will mean nothing to you. But I will tell you that you might consider not doing so just out of interest for your own health. There have been many studies done on the positive effects of simply having hope in life and being free of negative emotion. I know you said you try, but trying without understanding why you should do so is basically not going to get anywhere at all.

Perhaps it might seem as though God does not care, or hates you, or is a sadist, or whatever else. I won't tell you that you're unjustified for thinking as such considering your circumstances. But what I will tell you is that there is nothing quite so fulfilling in life as forgiving someone who owes you something, who has done you wrong, or who has hurt you in life - and the worse the hurt, the more satisfying the forgiveness, as it lifts a terrible burden from your heart. Perhaps there is no God, but that doesn't stop those who embrace him from feeling a profound sense of peace and contentment in their lives. Even in the best of health, we only have eighty or so years on average on Earth, and so many people spend every waking minute keeping grudges, remembering debts, and stoking the fires of hatred in their heart, when all it takes to free oneself is the will to do so.

I won't tell you what you should do, because there's no way I can possibly know that. All I will say is to give it some consideration, and that I hope the best comes to pass. We can't stop ourselves from dying - but we can always stop ourselves from dying with unalleviated burdens in life.