My will to live is slipping....(long read)

Wow.

Pot helps with chemo, I have been told. Also, don't give up, think that chemo will eventually stop the cancer growth. Maybe even in a couple of years, someone finds a way to remove the tumor.

However if you have no one, absolutly no one to be there for you, if your cancer will just make you suffer and doctors say that it just will keep going even with chemo, I would say you should consider suicide.

I dont want to tell you what to do but suicide is an option you shouldnt take.

I dont want to tell you what to do but suicide is an option you shouldnt take.

Bigboss232

Can I ask why he shouldn't take?

Its his choice im just saying in the future things could get better maybe tc can beat this ordeal and help people with similer problems I dont recomend suicde but if terminal than I dont know...

I honestly don't know what to say and I fear everything I could try to say would no doubt seem meaningless, impersonal and non understanding. I just hope you find something in your life to hold onto and keep you going, to make everything you're feeling bearable and you cling to that thing with all your strength. I hope you are able to let go of all your anger and hatred for it is a powerful but a short lived, draining and destructive fuel that accomplishes little. A belief in god in your state of mind I believe will either save you or destroy you for you will either hate and blame him for the pain and suffering or have faith that in the end all of it will be worth it, that he is guiding you through this torture.

I don't have any answer to give you, in the end we must make all our own choices and find our own answers but I just hope you are able to hold on, to find something worth living for and laugh and love again. We only live once, a measly 80 years in universe that has lasted billions and billions of years and will continue for billions more without us, it is my belief we should try to get as much out of this life as we can, regardless of the circumstances of which we born into it.

I don't claim understand what you're going through, no can but you and no one can save you but yourself, others can help you and try to guide you if you allow them too but that is all they can do.

I'm sorry if this is not helpful.

I urge you to go out and get this book - whether from a library or from amazon -

It's one of the forefront Christian authors of all time - and guess what - he is in the exact same emotional state as you (his is grief, which is an awful lot like physical pain) in this book. Full of anger, questions and hate towards God.

Read it.

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

I will pray for you

I'm really doubting the TC wants you preaching to him right now... Douche.

RockysCatnipCo

Jesus sounds like my homeboy, I agree with him about the forsaken part.

Nothing personal meant by this, but how can you believe? I once felt somewhat as you do before all this occurred,, but after a while of seemingly endless, painful struggle that seems to bear no fruit other than to maintain the status quo, there comes a time where literally all hope is lost and the question arises of whether or not the fight is worth it or is simply an exercise in futility. As I said, why would a loving being allow such things in life? I have read the Bible in the past, and though I found it incredibly dull and boring, perhaps I should give it another try. I'll admit though, my bias and incredulity will be working against me.

Rekunta

At least what I've noticed in other people, when God is questioned during the bad times there seems to be more of an "emotional debate" rather than an intellectual one. The emotions end up deciding whether or not He is good, caring, or even exists. As I personally have not been in this situation it is difficult for me to give firsthand experience, that is why I recommended you read Job or Psalms. Job gives you someone to sympathize with while Psalms gives expressions of pain as well as joy. Even if you do "convert" from its reading, I'd think the reading might at least give you some comfort.

I urge you to go out and get this book - whether from a library or from amazon -

It's one of the forefront Christian authors of all time - and guess what - he is in the exact same emotional state as you (his is grief, which is an awful lot like physical pain) in this book. Full of anger, questions and hate towards God.

Read it.

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

I will pray for you

seabiscuit8686

I have a feeling that I can't really say much that will be terribly meaningful, as the only truthful answer I can give to whether I fully understand and appreciate your situation would be "no". But at the same time I feel that I can't really say nothing.

I could get all philosophical, but there's a time and a place for that, and it usually is when none of the participants actually have to deal with this thing we call reality. So I won't.

What I will say, however, is that the biggest thing that struck me in what you said is the way in which you expressed hatred and anger for, well, a lot of things. I won't tell you that hatred and anger is unjustified, because that's not exactly something I could say with any authority. However, I can say that while there are a lot of times when hatred and anger are perhaps warranted, in none of those cases is it actually ultimately helpful. They say that life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it, and I've found that largely to be the case. The only person truly capable of telling you that you should be satisfied, happy, angry, or sad is you. I know that this sounds cliche, because it is, but cliches tend to gain their status through having at least some semblance of truth in them.

I won't claim to know what you're going through. But I will say that I myself have had a period of time where I was depressed constantly. I did some things I wish I hadn't, and I hurt some people I wish I hadn't. To this day I still have not forgiven myself for the hell I put people through, and I very much doubt that I will ever do so before the day I die. But if there's one thing I gained from that experience, it was a deep and lasting appreciation for the fundamentals in life. I suppose a cynic might say that I lowered my standards terribly, but I prefer to see it as simply having my eyes opened to what really mattered.

Nothing really has changed between then and now - I still don't have a girlfriend; I still don't have many friends; I still am more or less alone most of the time; and I still spend more time than I would like to admit in front of my computer. But what did change was the fact that I no longer minded the bad parts of life. I don't mind that I don't have all these things in life, because the sun can still be shining when I wake up, and I can still give my time and money to brighten someone else's day, and I can still appreciate all the other simple pleasures in life that most don't even notice.

I used to blame God in one way or another for what happened. But today, I thank God for everything right in my life, and I try not to concern myself for the parts that are wrong which I cannot help, because at the end of the day, there's no reward at all for having done so. I'm not going to tell you not to hate God out of the interest of your own salvation or something like that, because I know very well that will mean nothing to you. But I will tell you that you might consider not doing so just out of interest for your own health. There have been many studies done on the positive effects of simply having hope in life and being free of negative emotion. I know you said you try, but trying without understanding why you should do so is basically not going to get anywhere at all.

Perhaps it might seem as though God does not care, or hates you, or is a sadist, or whatever else. I won't tell you that you're unjustified for thinking as such considering your circumstances. But what I will tell you is that there is nothing quite so fulfilling in life as forgiving someone who owes you something, who has done you wrong, or who has hurt you in life - and the worse the hurt, the more satisfying the forgiveness, as it lifts a terrible burden from your heart. Perhaps there is no God, but that doesn't stop those who embrace him from feeling a profound sense of peace and contentment in their lives. Even in the best of health, we only have eighty or so years on average on Earth, and so many people spend every waking minute keeping grudges, remembering debts, and stoking the fires of hatred in their heart, when all it takes to free oneself is the will to do so.

I won't tell you what you should do, because there's no way I can possibly know that. All I will say is to give it some consideration, and that I hope the best comes to pass. We can't stop ourselves from dying - but we can always stop ourselves from dying with unalleviated burdens in life.

GabuEx

Thanks Gabu. :)

One thing about forgiveness:

How do I go about forgiving something or someone of which I have no assurance that it even exists? There are many people that I have encountered throughout this that have hurt me deeply, and I have found it in my heart to forgive them as in many ways they do not know any better and many people do not know how to deal with such situations. Through this I was able to gain some understanding of why they acted in the way they did and forgave them. There were always reasons, for better or for worse. However, when something of this magnitude comes out of the blue and slams into me, pulling me out of a life of somewhat normalcy and thrusting me into one of terror, extreme suffering, and uncertainty with NO apparent reason whatsoever, of whom do I look to to forgive? God is the only thing I can attribute this to. Is belief in Him not necessary for forgiveness?

From what I said in my intial post, the point could be argued as to how can I direct such hatred and rage at a God that I claim I don't believe exists (not in the traditional sense), and yet at the same time not be able to forgive Him because of disbelief? Does that make sense? I'm very tired....:P. To that I can only say that as an agnostic I can't count out the possibility that He does exist. I suppose I still hold a shred of faith that He is there.

I need to forgive....this is an absolute must if I intend to survive this. But I need to find an avenue to that forgiveness, and considering all of what I've been through and am continuing to go through daily, trying to forgive something or someone that I don't even know is there and gives no reason or logic for my situation is simply not enough. Understanding cannot be strived towards without reason first, at least not to me. If I were able to talk to God, I would hope to be able to get that reason, and with that I could begin my journey to understanding and could find it in my heart to forgive and eventually release my anger.

Simply put, I need to know why this happened and how it occurred, and until I receive answers, I just don't know how to let this go.