Need help with a movie I am writing.

I just finished filming my swine flu comedy short film, and while I am editing that I am writing a dark comedy short film and I would appreciate some help. I have the whole story worked out already, I just have to decide which direction I want to take it. The story Basically is about a guy who is severly bullied by a guy at his school and his friend says that a former student from the school is a hitman for hire. The guy who I will call Adam for now doesn't take this seriously so he says to hire the hitman not thinking it will be real. A few days later the hitman knocks on Adam's door and it turns out to be a girl he was good friends with years ago. The rest of the film would be about how he realizes that the bully has to be killed by the end of the day, so it is a bit of a morality story because Adam suddenly starts trying to talk to the bully again before he dies and he realizes that he isn't such a bad guy, well he is but he has moments where he isn't. There are two ways I can do this story:

1. Make it more of a dark comedy about Adam and the assassin girl's relationship before she has to kill the bully. It would end with her killing Adam by accident and probably dieing too. This story could work, but I just don't want to make it too melodramatic.

2. It could also be more of a drama about how Adam remembers his old friendship with the bully and how they used to torture the assassin girl when she was younger even though Adam and her used to be friends. It would end in a similar way, but she would kill Adam on purpose because of something he did. I was thinking that back when Adam and the bully used to bully her maybe Adam let the bully rape her or something and didn't stop it in time or something like that. This could also be a bit melodramatic, but it would still be more of a drama rather than a dark comedy.

If you have any other suggestions I would welcome them. I will upload the swine flu comedy short to youtube soon hopefully for you all to enjoy.

I am more of a fan on #1 than #2. I think there has to be some sort of relationship between Adam and the hit girl, and it could also include him finding out the bully isn't such a bad guy.Dylan_11

I am leaning toward that a bit too. Problem with 2 is that I would have to film a scene that hints at what he and the bully did to her, and I do not know any actors who look under 18 or actually are. I could find a way though. I actually thought of this story after watching Mean Creek, and In Bruges recently.

[QUOTE="Dylan_11"]I am more of a fan on #1 than #2. I think there has to be some sort of relationship between Adam and the hit girl, and it could also include him finding out the bully isn't such a bad guy.Film-Guy

I am leaning toward that a bit too. Problem with 2 is that I would have to film a scene that hints at what he and the bully did to her, and I do not know any actors who look under 18 or actually are. I could find a way though. I actually thought of this story after watching Mean Creek, and In Bruges recently.

I still don't think Adam should have done something to the hit girl. Maybe it could be more of a bystander thing, where he could have prevented something the bully did to her.Dylan_11

Yeah I dont want to add too much backstory. This is after all a short film. Making him a bystander who could have done something but didn't makes him a bit more likeable as a main character. Then again maybe making him a bit of a jerk could make him more interesting.

[QUOTE="Film-Guy"]

[QUOTE="Dylan_11"]I am more of a fan on #1 than #2. I think there has to be some sort of relationship between Adam and the hit girl, and it could also include him finding out the bully isn't such a bad guy.R0cky_Racc00n

I am leaning toward that a bit too. Problem with 2 is that I would have to film a scene that hints at what he and the bully did to her, and I do not know any actors who look under 18 or actually are. I could find a way though. I actually thought of this story after watching Mean Creek, and In Bruges recently.

2 makes the bully less sympathetic I think. Having him do something to her before like rape is pretty unsympathetic. Problem is I don't want to have too much backstory and maybe keeping it simple would be better. I just don't know how she would kill Adam by accident at the end. I kinda like the idea of her killing him on purpose at the end but I can understand why that might not work as an ending.

I think the story would work better as a dark comedy. Doesn't mean you can't have drama. In Bruges is the perfect example. It was a comedy with some drama, and the fact that it went back to comedy after the dramatic moments is what kept the movie so entertaining. Keep it a dark comedy with some drama, and keep it evened out throughout the film.

I think the story would work better as a dark comedy. Doesn't mean you can't have drama. In Bruges is the perfect example. It was a comedy with some drama, and the fact that it went back to comedy after the dramatic moments is what kept the movie so entertaining. Keep it a dark comedy with some drama, and keep it evened out throughout the film.

Got_to_go

I think so too. I wonder though if I can maybe put in parts from 1 and 2 to create something interesting. I am fine with most of the story, it's just the end I am having trouble with and whether she should kill him by accident or on purpose. The serious parts from 2 could work, I'm just not totally sure whether the backstory of the bully being friends with Adam before would work.

I think it would be better if the three of them teamed up and rode yoshi to the Mushroom kingdom to kill Mario. But that's just me.McJugga

That is genius:o

I think overall I will try and mix the two ideas. I can hint at past bullying that went on between Adam, and the assassin girl but I dont want to spend too much time on backstory. Maybe her character can be scarred somewhere or hint with dialogue at past problems. Heck maybe all I need to do is hint with dialogue and then show something like where something terrible happened to her but not show a full scene that goes into what it actually was. I am just thinking that I probably cant get actors young enough to do a scene that implies something bad like a rape so I may have to do something different. I still think she should kill him at the end on purpose though because I cant figure out how it could be an accident in a convincing way. I just have to balance dark comedy and drama like how In Bruges does. I welcome other opinions though. I hope I can finish editing my swine flu comedy short so I can finally show you guys what I have been working on:)

I like #1, but I'd take the story in a little bit of a different direction. I'd have it start like you did with Adam not taking the hitman thing seriously, so he hires the hitman thinking it's a joke. Later that day, or the next he would find out that the bully was killed and the rest of the story plays out with Adam trying to find out who the hitman is, and at the same time he learns that the bully wasn't that bad of a person, and at the very end he discovers that it's a girl he used to be close friends with, or even had a relationship with. But I like your first idea too. Hope that didn't come out sounding stupid or anything.

I like #1, but I'd take the story in a little bit of a different direction. I'd have it start like you did with Adam not taking the hitman thing seriously, so he hires the hitman thinking it's a joke. Later that day, or the next he would find out that the bully was killed and the rest of the story plays out with Adam trying to find out who the hitman is, and at the same time he learns that the bully wasn't that bad of a person, and at the very end he discovers that it's a girl he used to be close friends with, or even had a relationship with. But I like your first idea too. Hope that didn't come out sounding stupid or anything.

Hailfire704

I like that idea actually. Problem is after she kills the bully I dont know how Adam would find out who she is. Maybe he meets her at a bar afterward and tries to flirt with her or something then finds out. If I make him a bit older he could have a one night stand or something then find out. That would be a hell of a thing to wake up to.

[QUOTE="Hailfire704"]

I like #1, but I'd take the story in a little bit of a different direction. I'd have it start like you did with Adam not taking the hitman thing seriously, so he hires the hitman thinking it's a joke. Later that day, or the next he would find out that the bully was killed and the rest of the story plays out with Adam trying to find out who the hitman is, and at the same time he learns that the bully wasn't that bad of a person, and at the very end he discovers that it's a girl he used to be close friends with, or even had a relationship with. But I like your first idea too. Hope that didn't come out sounding stupid or anything.

Film-Guy

I like that idea actually. Problem is after she kills the bully I dont know how Adam would find out who she is. Maybe he meets her at a bar afterward and tries to flirt with her or something then finds out. If I make him a bit older he could have a one night stand or something then find out. That would be a hell of a thing to wake up to.

I like that idea. He could have hook up with her in a bar, they go back to her place, he wakes up in the morning and starts to leave, knocks over a bag (or starts searching around out of curiosity, something), and finds something like a list of targets. I think it would have to be drawn out a little more though, so that you could have a longer movie.

[QUOTE="Film-Guy"]

[QUOTE="Hailfire704"]

I like #1, but I'd take the story in a little bit of a different direction. I'd have it start like you did with Adam not taking the hitman thing seriously, so he hires the hitman thinking it's a joke. Later that day, or the next he would find out that the bully was killed and the rest of the story plays out with Adam trying to find out who the hitman is, and at the same time he learns that the bully wasn't that bad of a person, and at the very end he discovers that it's a girl he used to be close friends with, or even had a relationship with. But I like your first idea too. Hope that didn't come out sounding stupid or anything.

Hailfire704

I like that idea actually. Problem is after she kills the bully I dont know how Adam would find out who she is. Maybe he meets her at a bar afterward and tries to flirt with her or something then finds out. If I make him a bit older he could have a one night stand or something then find out. That would be a hell of a thing to wake up to.

I like that idea. He could have hook up with her in a bar, they go back to her place, he wakes up in the morning and starts to leave, knocks over a bag (or starts searching around out of curiosity, something), and finds something like a list of targets. I think it would have to be drawn out a little more though, so that you could have a longer movie.

Yeah that could work really well. Could turn into a great dark comedy. I want to keep it pretty short though. Lets say about 10 minutes or so. I just dont want to add in too much backstory so I think adding in the backstory of her being bullied by him when she was younger is something I could do in a feature but not a short. I think a short film should be direct and to the point rather than add in too much unnessasary plot.

I just finished filming my swine flu comedy short film, and while I am editing that I am writing a dark comedy short film and I would appreciate some help. I have the whole story worked out already, I just have to decide which direction I want to take it. The story Basically is about a guy who is severly bullied by a guy at his school and his friend says that a former student from the school is a hitman for hire. The guy who I will call Adam for now doesn't take this seriously so he says to hire the hitman not thinking it will be real. A few days later the hitman knocks on Adam's door and it turns out to be a girl he was good friends with years ago. The rest of the film would be about how he realizes that the bully has to be killed by the end of the day, so it is a bit of a morality story because Adam suddenly starts trying to talk to the bully again before he dies and he realizes that he isn't such a bad guy, well he is but he has moments where he isn't. There are two ways I can do this story:

1. Make it more of a dark comedy about Adam and the assassin girl's relationship before she has to kill the bully. It would end with her killing Adam by accident and probably dieing too. This story could work, but I just don't want to make it too melodramatic.

2. It could also be more of a drama about how Adam remembers his old friendship with the bully and how they used to torture the assassin girl when she was younger even though Adam and her used to be friends. It would end in a similar way, but she would kill Adam on purpose because of something he did. I was thinking that back when Adam and the bully used to bully her maybe Adam let the bully rape her or something and didn't stop it in time or something like that. This could also be a bit melodramatic, but it would still be more of a drama rather than a dark comedy.

If you have any other suggestions I would welcome them. I will upload the swine flu comedy short to youtube soon hopefully for you all to enjoy.

Film-Guy

Not to be insulting or anything, but tat sounds sort of boring and generic. Boring and generic can be good, it just depends on if it's implemented properly. Anyway, I recommend going with a conventional appraoch, then pulling the rug out from under the audience and knocking them on their backs.

As in, both o your scenarios involve "Adam" getting killed. So play up to that. Work up to that predictable ending until the last ****ing minute. Then kill the other dude instead, and suddenly turn the comedy into a serious drama (or the serious drama into a ****ed up comedy). THAT kind of stuff gets people noticed (such as Christopher Nolan doing a movie backwards). As long as you adjust the story and the script to match the last minute plot twist, you're a-okay. Probably won't get you signed on to direct a big budget movie, but it'll definitely get a few people who see the movie to say "wow, I didn't expect THAT!".

Basically, treat it l;ike The Usual Suspects. Treat it like a movie that's only "okay" up until the end, at which point everything flips around and then everyone says "man, THAT was unexpected!" Hell, M Night Shyamalan has been working off of this formula for most of his carreer, and it is an EASY path for mediocre and lame movies to get at least a small cult following Whatever you do, just switch it up at the last minute,and make sure that the script is written well-enough that the last minute flip-flop doesn't feel like a cheap copout ending.

Swine flu comedy short film? I must see this.clubsammich91

I just hope it doesn't end up as bad as Eli Roth's flesh-eating-virus comedy film.

[QUOTE="Film-Guy"]

I just finished filming my swine flu comedy short film, and while I am editing that I am writing a dark comedy short film and I would appreciate some help. I have the whole story worked out already, I just have to decide which direction I want to take it. The story Basically is about a guy who is severly bullied by a guy at his school and his friend says that a former student from the school is a hitman for hire. The guy who I will call Adam for now doesn't take this seriously so he says to hire the hitman not thinking it will be real. A few days later the hitman knocks on Adam's door and it turns out to be a girl he was good friends with years ago. The rest of the film would be about how he realizes that the bully has to be killed by the end of the day, so it is a bit of a morality story because Adam suddenly starts trying to talk to the bully again before he dies and he realizes that he isn't such a bad guy, well he is but he has moments where he isn't. There are two ways I can do this story:

1. Make it more of a dark comedy about Adam and the assassin girl's relationship before she has to kill the bully. It would end with her killing Adam by accident and probably dieing too. This story could work, but I just don't want to make it too melodramatic.

2. It could also be more of a drama about how Adam remembers his old friendship with the bully and how they used to torture the assassin girl when she was younger even though Adam and her used to be friends. It would end in a similar way, but she would kill Adam on purpose because of something he did. I was thinking that back when Adam and the bully used to bully her maybe Adam let the bully rape her or something and didn't stop it in time or something like that. This could also be a bit melodramatic, but it would still be more of a drama rather than a dark comedy.

If you have any other suggestions I would welcome them. I will upload the swine flu comedy short to youtube soon hopefully for you all to enjoy.

MrGeezer

Not to be insulting or anything, but tat sounds sort of boring and generic. Boring and generic can be good, it just depends on if it's implemented properly. Anyway, I recommend going with a conventional appraoch, then pulling the rug out from under the audience and knocking them on their backs.

As in, both o your scenarios involve "Adam" getting killed. So play up to that. Work up to that predictable ending until the last ****ing minute. Then kill the other dude instead, and suddenly turn the comedy into a serious drama (or the serious drama into a ****ed up comedy). THAT kind of stuff gets people noticed (such as Christopher Nolan doing a movie backwards). As long as you adjust the story and the script to match the last minute plot twist, you're a-okay. Probably won't get you signed on to direct a big budget movie, but it'll definitely get a few people who see the movie to say "wow, I didn't expect THAT!".

Basically, treat it l;ike The Usual Suspects. Treat it like a movie that's only "okay" up until the end, at which point everything flips around and then everyone says "man, THAT was unexpected!" Hell, M Night Shyamalan has been working off of this formula for most of his carreer, and it is an EASY path for mediocre and lame movies to get at least a small cult following Whatever you do, just switch it up at the last minute,and make sure that the script is written well-enough that the last minute flip-flop doesn't feel like a cheap copout ending.

I see what you mean. I see this as a dark comedy in the way that In Bruges or Harold and Maude was. Not sure how I would work up to Adam getting killed. I think most people would expect the hitman to kill the Bully in a stand off that while looking desperate and dangerous we can easily tell that it will be a happy ending. I like the idea of pulling the carpet out from under people. I could build up a resentment toward Adam that the Hitman has, who I will just call Anne for now. That way we expect her to kill Adam but then something different happens that surprises people. Problem is with this story I am not sure how I would surprise people. Maybe I could make it look like Adam and Anne get along but then she kills him and the bully at the end. My first instinct was to go with Adam becoming friends with the Bully when he finds out that the bully will be killed, but that is too cliche. We expect Adam to suddenly find friendship in a guy he hates usually, and to me that is too contrived.

Then in this thread someone brought up an interesting idea that the bully is killed early on and then Adam meets Anne at a bar somewhere and he feels really guilty about it and has a one night stand with her or something. Problem is Im not sure where to go from there. Maybe the bully puts a hit out on Adam out of spite and the twist at the end is that even though Adam and Anne build up a friendship it seems, in the end he gets killed by her because the Bully faked his death and put the hit on him. I dont know though, even that sounds contrived. Problem is we almost expect Adam to have a change of heart about the Bully, so maybe I could mess with that formula a bit. I also have to keep it a short film to start with and expand it later. I love messed up comedies so I can see that working well here if I write and cast it well. This story doesnt seem like one I could make unpredictable, but there has to be something in it that I can mess with to surprise people.

[QUOTE="clubsammich91"]Swine flu comedy short film? I must see this.MrGeezer

I just hope it doesn't end up as bad as Eli Roth's flesh-eating-virus comedy film.

I hope not:P It is not so much about making fun of Swine flu. The comedy in it is more about the media's reaction to it. I got the idea when I was in England and everyone was freaking out about it. I want to get the film out there before Swine flu stops being a big deal.

I am more of a fan of scenario 2; however, I do not like the fact that she kills Adam for something done to her a long time ago. It seems to me she has moved past it. Or, being a hit girl, she would have killed him a while ago. I am no screen writer, but I would enjoy seeing a relationship form between the two that borders on genuine friendship. Although, in the end her hand is forced and she must kill Adam - maybe as a part of her Hit girl duty. I, personally, would definitely want to see hit girl live through the entirety of this film. I don't know, thats my 2 cents.clayron

Yeah I thought about her moving on too. But maybe she didnt know she was being hired by him since his friend hired her. I dont know how she would kill adam as part of her duty unless someone else hired her to. I am now thinking of not showing too much backstory. Since it is a short I think just hinting is a better idea.

[QUOTE="clayron"]I am more of a fan of scenario 2; however, I do not like the fact that she kills Adam for something done to her a long time ago. It seems to me she has moved past it. Or, being a hit girl, she would have killed him a while ago. I am no screen writer, but I would enjoy seeing a relationship form between the two that borders on genuine friendship. Although, in the end her hand is forced and she must kill Adam - maybe as a part of her Hit girl duty. I, personally, would definitely want to see hit girl live through the entirety of this film. I don't know, thats my 2 cents.Film-Guy

Yeah I thought about her moving on too. But maybe she didnt know she was being hired by him since his friend hired her. I dont know how she would kill adam as part of her duty unless someone else hired her to. I am now thinking of not showing too much backstory. Since it is a short I think just hinting is a better idea.

[QUOTE="Film-Guy"]

[QUOTE="clayron"]I am more of a fan of scenario 2; however, I do not like the fact that she kills Adam for something done to her a long time ago. It seems to me she has moved past it. Or, being a hit girl, she would have killed him a while ago. I am no screen writer, but I would enjoy seeing a relationship form between the two that borders on genuine friendship. Although, in the end her hand is forced and she must kill Adam - maybe as a part of her Hit girl duty. I, personally, would definitely want to see hit girl live through the entirety of this film. I don't know, thats my 2 cents.clayron

Yeah I thought about her moving on too. But maybe she didnt know she was being hired by him since his friend hired her. I dont know how she would kill adam as part of her duty unless someone else hired her to. I am now thinking of not showing too much backstory. Since it is a short I think just hinting is a better idea.

I didn't know that was a stigma to be honest. I just dont want it to seem like a cop out ending. I want to surprise people with the ending, but I dont want the ending to be too sudden and anticlimatic. I like your idea, I just need to see how it works into the story.

hm. i like number two better. however...you can still make that into a dry comedy. place some light heartedness into it so its not all daunting on the audiance. the only problem i have with this whole story is that they are in high school. very unlikely for any of this to take place in high school. who in their right mind would hire a high school student to do such things as 'offing' someone? if you are set on this, there needs to be an adult influence that maybe understands the minds of teenagers, maybe a teacher with a dark history. either that or you could just make the characters older. college maybe, its so cliche', but way more believable than this high school based soap opera. i think you are on to something here, certainly keep woking on its believability and the details, and youll have something alot of people will want to watch.dawna81

Yeah I was a bit iffy on the high school setting at first, but I think it works in context. I also want to set it in a very typical and dull suburb or something where nothing really happens to make the events more interesting considering the setting. I like the idea of them being in high school because you dont expect them to be that young. I dont mean freshmen, but maybe they are in 12th grade or something.

have a smoking dancing monkey in the movieAnti-Venom

It just wouldn't be as good without one.

How about where the bully and the guy were actually friends and then he didnt realize it untill the end and there is a montage of things that happen just shown at a different angle that show that they were getting along and then the guy gets killed.

How about where the bully and the guy were actually friends and then he didnt realize it untill the end and there is a montage of things that happen just shown at a different angle that show that they were getting along and then the guy gets killed.

akbar13

[QUOTE="Anti-Venom"]have a smoking dancing monkey in the movieHailfire704

It just wouldn't be as good without one.

I would prefer a penguin:P

[QUOTE="akbar13"]

How about where the bully and the guy were actually friends and then he didnt realize it untill the end and there is a montage of things that happen just shown at a different angle that show that they were getting along and then the guy gets killed.

akbar13

I like that idea, I just dont know how it would fit within the context of the story. How would he not realize that he and the bully were friends?

[QUOTE="akbar13"]

How about where the bully and the guy were actually friends and then he didnt realize it untill the end and there is a montage of things that happen just shown at a different angle that show that they were getting along and then the guy gets killed.

akbar13

It's a trap!

[QUOTE="akbar13"][QUOTE="akbar13"]

How about where the bully and the guy were actually friends and then he didnt realize it untill the end and there is a montage of things that happen just shown at a different angle that show that they were getting along and then the guy gets killed.

Hailfire704

It's a trap!

Or maybe I can have him die offscreen and you think either the bully killed him or Anne did, but as you said reveal that he just tripped and fell down the stairs. While that would be funny it would also be the biggest anticlimax ever.

[QUOTE="akbar13"][QUOTE="akbar13"]

How about where the bully and the guy were actually friends and then he didnt realize it untill the end and there is a montage of things that happen just shown at a different angle that show that they were getting along and then the guy gets killed.

Film-Guy

I like that idea, I just dont know how it would fit within the context of the story. How would he not realize that he and the bully were friends?

[QUOTE="Film-Guy"]

[QUOTE="akbar13"] Wow this would be a big twist on the story now that I just thought about it. Show the guy pushing adam down and then in the end he actually tripped or something.akbar13

I like that idea, I just dont know how it would fit within the context of the story. How would he not realize that he and the bully were friends?

Thanks for the camera suggestion. Maybe I could not show the bully being mean to him, but hint it more then having them both get killed by Anne and maybe have her die too is more of a shock. Not sure how I would do it though without showing the bully.

[QUOTE="akbar13"]

[QUOTE="Film-Guy"]

I like that idea, I just dont know how it would fit within the context of the story. How would he not realize that he and the bully were friends?

Film-Guy

Thanks for the camera suggestion. Maybe I could not show the bully being mean to him, but hint it more then having them both get killed by Anne and maybe have her die too is more of a shock. Not sure how I would do it though without showing the bully.

realistically, who would expect ANYONE, no matter how old they are, to be hit men? yeah, no one will expect the high school hit man scene, but no one will take it seriously either. BUT! i was thinking about it, (yes for some stupid reason i think about other peoples forums through out my day) and if you do it in a live action anime way, the whole, school uniform, huge city, very urban setting, it might be believable in that sort of way. kinda like....kill bill. realistically, its not very probable that people like that exist in the world, but quintin (sp) made it work. and perhaps you can do it too. it will take ALOT of talent to pull it off. good luck.dawna81

While that sounds good I dont think it would work with my budget. Okay sure you will have to suspend belief, but it is meant to be more of a dark comedy with drama bits rather than a pure drama.

[QUOTE="Film-Guy"]

[QUOTE="akbar13"] Make it so that the main character is always kind of edgy. Maybe he just is messed up in the head a little bit. But maybe not friends because the main character didn't like the bully but the bully was being nice all the time. Not friends. Just make it so that the bully was being nice all along. And I suggest using this camera: http://www.red.com/ the red epic. It is only $28,000 to start.

akbar13

Thanks for the camera suggestion. Maybe I could not show the bully being mean to him, but hint it more then having them both get killed by Anne and maybe have her die too is more of a shock. Not sure how I would do it though without showing the bully.

Not 28,000:P I will keep it i mind though. I dont really have tons of money right now.