Christmas. God, I hate Christmas. Why? Santa. This fat man is loved among the populous, but I see him as nothing but evil. If you disect the character of Santa, he becomes the most evil being ever known to mankind.
Terrorism
The normal tradition is that Santa gives gifts to all the good little boys and girls of the world. However, he seems more like a domestic terrorist than jolly man. Think about it: he sneaks into the homes of innocent civilians and plants mysterious packages in their houses. How do we know he doesn't have bombs planted in there, or at least some form of biological warfare? Some call it magic, I call it lockpicking. To top it all off, he even steals the food of his victims! The bastard!
Pedophilia
But what of the children? It seems that he ignores the adults, and only goes for the children. He keeps himself in guarded areas in malls, only letting children past security. I've seen him giving his own "special gifts" at these events. Worse yet, he has a brother named Father Spanker, who lives in France. He sneaks into the homes of naughty children and spanks them mercilessly. Worse yet, in Portugal, he hired a black midget to capture children in his sack. What happens to those kids is unknown.
Hiring Policies
Have you ever seen a black elf? No? Asian elf? How about a Mexican elf? Hell, even a female elf! All his elves are white, male, elves. The only woman up there is Mrs. Clause, and I've heard from a reliable source that their relationship is abusive. His catchphrase is "ho ho ho" for God's sake, something that he prominently spews among women in a condescending manner. And its not like these elves are happy. I believe I recall one who wanted to be a dentist, and was forced to work agaisnt his will as a laborer. Santa is running a slave ring, damnit!
Animal Abuse
But he's not only abusive to his wife. No, I've heard that he publicly flogs his reindeer. I have seen the reindeer, and they are malnourished! He feeds them helium and speed, so they can fly at supersonic speeds through the air. Rudolph's nose does not glow, its swollen, pus-filled, and enflamed! The ASPCA has been informed, but has not found his location.
Drug Peddling
Ever notice how Santa makes crappy, cheap wooden toys? But the children of the world ask for expensive toys, like a Nintendo Wii, or Tickle-me-Elmo, or the iPhone! How is it possible that he delivers expensive toys, yet only manufactures cheap toys? I have discovered that Santa runs a drug ring in the north pole! Weed, coke, heroin, meth, LSD, he peddles it all! He hides it all the in the cheap wooden toys, and inflates the prices to be sold to Cuban drug lords. He then uses the money to buy the expensive toys. But he does get a little extra money, and he doesn't spend it on blow....
Weapons Ring
Yes, Santa is purchasing weapons-grade uranium. His sleigh is unregistered aerocraft that does not answer to any regulatory commision, and he has been amassing an elf army. He certainly has the potential to rule the world, and has been found to be arming himself for the very prospect.
Crucifying Jesus
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's noticed the steep religious decline of Christmas. But how could this be? I've found a terrifying secret that will shock many of you: Santa crucified Jesus! Yes, he nailed Jesus on the cross! Santa's suit and hat were not originally red, they were white. Only after he nailed the Lord's only son unto that cross did his clothes become red: drenched red from the blood of the Messiah!
What does all of this mean?
At first, I was a bit skeptical about this. After all, he seems to embody all human kindness. How can he be evil? I stumbled upon an interesting revelation that puts it all together. Finally, it all makes sense. The pieces come together, and I have diagrammed it easily for all of you:
Yes, Santa Clause is actually Satan, Lord of All Evil! Santa rose from his subterranean kingdom to slowly unleash darkness upon all of Earth, and is doing so under the guise of Santa Clause! I implore that all of you take to arms and cause the demise of Santa! Increase global warming, wage war on the North Pole, kill any fat man with a beard and a suit! Do anything you can to stop this Fat Man from bringing on the very Rapture!
*joke thread. Don't get pissy.
. 
Log in to comment