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Member since 2009 • 25 Posts

First off, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Quash and I've just joined this forum. Usually, I don't like things like this but. . .you all seem to be fairly lively so, I think I might like it. ^^ Please be aware that I am not that great of a writer and that I do it anyways. I have, however, grown in the past year writing-wise, so hopefully this short story is adequate. Please don't be afraid of being harsh - that is, after all, what makes me strive for a better piece. ^^ Without further adieu... She lay down next to him; her fingers ran gently over his pale lips. Closing her eyes, she imagined the rise and fall of the chest her head was resting on. She hoped that maybe if she didn't acknowledge the lack of air passing through his lungs, he would suddenly open his eyes and tell her that he was fine. The red sticky substance still on his painted fingers had yet to dry, signaling the freshness of the wounds that led to this tragic moment. "Just call and I'll be there, okay?" He pressed his lips to her forehead before dropping her hand and turning to leave. "Okay…" Leaving was the last thing she wanted him to do – even if it was only for a few hours. She needed him like a junkie. He brought out the best in her and she quickly grew to realize that she couldn't live without the feel of his arms wrapped around her or the gentle words he whispered when he thought she was sleeping. He had stolen her heart in a matter of minutes and it was more than obvious that he never intended to give it back. Turning to look at her one more time, he smiled. "I pinky promise, I'll come running whenever you need me." He exited through the set of large double doors while she stood there looking after him. Tears filled the corners of her eyes and to keep from losing it completely, she kept telling herself that it was all a dream. "Please… get up." She begged in hushed tones, stroking his long black hair. "You have to get up…" Burying her head into his chest, she felt the blood seep through his shirt. "You said you'd always be here… you can't leave me." His body, still warm, was now colorless; the black makeup around his eyes smeared. "I need you." "Come on, pick up!" She paced the floor, getting frantic when he didn't answer his phone. She let a sigh escape through her lips as she pressed 'send' for the third time. It didn't matter where he was or what he was doing, he would answer anytime she called – and that's what worried her. When he still didn't pick up, she grabbed her keys off the counter and headed to the apartment he shared with his identical twin. One of them was bound to be there and even if he weren't, his brother would know where to find him. Curling into his side, she moved her hand from the crook of his neck to where her head had been; she could feel the cuts through his shirt and cringing, she traced their edges. "Are you here?" She bit her lip nervously. "Hey," She heard rustling from inside his bedroom as she made her way through the empty apartment. "This isn't funny, open the door!" Upon her pounding on it, the door creaked open. Her knees gave out and she fell to the floor. She gasped and her hand flew almost magnetically to her mouth; there in the middle of the floor, her entire life lay in a pool of blood. "Bill…?" She couldn't breathe. "Hey," He managed, weak from the loss of blood. "Sorry I didn't pick up." Tears formed in her eyes and her fingers curled around his. "It's alright…" The grip on her hand tightened suddenly and he made a horrific sound out of pain. "It hurts so much." Her free hand flew to his cheek as she stroked it gently. "I know…" Her eyes burned from the liquid pooling up inside as she attempted to soothe him. "Just hang in there, okay?" He managed a weak nod. Clutching at the bottom of his shirt with the other hand and lifting it, his problem became visible. For the second time that evening, her hand flew to her mouth, tears no longer being held back. "You… you're gonna be okay." Panic was starting to take over in her mind. She couldn't lose him. He was the air that she breathed and if he suddenly ceased to live, she would die with him. "I –I'll get you help." He shook his head and clasped tighter to her hand. "No, please…" He paused to inhale deeply, making the pain in his chest more evident than ever. "Stay with me." Knowing his chance of survival was slim to none, he wanted her there when the last breath escaped his body. The salty stream running down her cheeks trickled onto his delicate face. He removed the hand entwined with hers to wipe the liquid from her cheek. "I love you…" He smiled, despite the crippling pain coursing though his entire body. "Don't ever forget me, okay?" She hated the glazed over look in his eyes, it made him look so distant – like he was going somewhere she couldn't follow. "How could I forget you when you'll always be with me?" That remark pained him – she could see it in his eyes. He didn't think he was going to live though this and that alone nearly killed her. "Just promise me…" The more his breath slowed down, the more she wanted to scream at him for being so vulnerable when she needed him most. "Okay," She complied, barely above a whisper. "I promise." Nothing she could do would wake her from this nightmare. "Tell me you love me." He demanded. "I love you…" She wanted to shake him from his delusions. Why was he saying his good-byes? He smiled once more and closed his eyes. "Do me one more favor…" He reopened them and seemed to look straight through her. One more favor? Why was he speaking as though he wasn't going to make it through this? "Anything." Her voice was shaky. Why did he think he could be so selfish as to leave her alone? "Lie down with me." He moved his arm over to make room for her by his side. She nodded and did as he asked, not wanting to make her thoughts known to him, as that would most likely make things harder for both of them. She would save the yelling for when he was better. "He's dead, you know." The harsh words brought her back to reality. She turned to look at the man standing in the doorway. Her eyes widened at the sight of him. "You? No…" She shook her head and swallowed the lump forming in her throat, making it harder to breathe. "But… why? What did he do to you?" He just laughed, causing her to shudder. "He didn't deserve you." He stepped closer to the forms sprawled out on the floor. "See, you were supposed to be with me… but you just weren't cooperating. I had no other choice." He shrugged. "You had me," She stood up as she spoke, her voice unsteady. "But you treated me like crap." He laughed again. "No," a twisted smirk remained on his face. "You treated him like crap. Don't you remember?" He took another step closer, folding his arms over his chest. "Which reminds me... he knows some of the things you've said about him. In fact... he was upset about it when I did this." He gestured to the limp body behind her. "You're lying." She shook her head. That smirk was making her sick, she wanted so badly to smack it right off his face. "No, I'm not. I swear. When I found him, he was sitting on the side of his bed crying. You made him cry. I bet he's actually happy that he's dead. I know I would be if I just found out that my girlfriend thought so little of me. Poor guy... and to think! You used to make his heart beat faster... now it's your fault it stopped. But I guess you got your wish. He's never coming back - just like you said you wanted." She wiped tears furiously from her eyes with her fists. "I... I didn't know him then." Why did she say those things? Did she even have a reason? She couldn't remember. Right now, she was just struggling to breathe. Smothered by her guilt. "So that justifies it? Its okay to wish someone is dead as long as you don't know them?" He asked, walking around to the other side of the room, never taking his eyes off her. "That's not what I meant!" Her voice grew louder, defending her previous statement. "Oh? Then please explain." She huffed. How could she explain it? She couldn't even remember why she said it in the first place. "I didn't mean it..." She spoke barely above a whisper, hoping he didn't hear. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that she couldn't explain. "Really? Then why'd you say it? Or is that why you're so quiet? You don't know. You should really think before you speak. He died with a broken heart because of the fact that you just couldn't. Who does that to a person?" She shot him a piercing glare, her self-control dwindling at a rapid pace. "If I'm so disgusting, why'd you do it? Apparently, he's not the one who wasn't worthy." He chuckled. "No, you still could have done better." She scoffed. "What, you mean you? Sorry, but I will never love you." His hand swept through the air and landed hard against the side of her face and she squealed, surprised by the impact. He wiped the blood off on his pants that had smeared onto his palm from her cheek. "You're wrong. I'll make you love me." She recovered from the unexpected blow and looked him straight in the eye. "No, you just killed the only person I'll ever love. You can't make me do anything." A low growl came from his throat as he became more and more frustrated. "Read my lips, I hate you." That was the final straw for him. He shoved her into the corner of Bill's desk, earning a scream of pain as the metal hit hard midway up her spine. "Shut up!" His nose was nearly touching hers as he screamed. She gritted her teeth. "Make me." He yelled again out of frustration and anger. Kicking her in the stomach, he made her double over. The contents of her stomach emptied out onto the already blood-soaked floor. "Here, let me hold your hair for you." He grabbed her ponytail, pulling it upward with as much force as he could muster. She screamed, which only seemed to feed his hunger for violence. Pushing her to the floor, he started to kick her repeatedly in the side until he heard the front door shut and a voice call out. "Hey Bill, you here?" She looked up at the man standing over her and smirked. Knowing that he didn't want to be here when Tom discovered the scene in this room, she silently watched him panic. As footsteps came closer to the bedroom door, he climbed stealthily through the window and onto their balcony. "Bill?" Tom pushed the door open, finding the mess in his brother's room. He stood frozen in the doorway, unable to speak. His brother's body, now cold and hard, was being cradled by his girlfriend. She looked up at him, her faced stained with blood and tears. The window was open and red shoe prints were on the sill. The desk in the corner now was scooted a couple inches backward on one side. "W-what happened?" Tom stammered, taking it all in. "My ex-boyfriend... he..." Unable to finish her sentence, she looked down at the man - the one she loved more than anything - lying across her lap, fresh tears threatening to spill over the edge of her eyelids. The dreadlocked boy nodded, understanding what remained unsaid. Her ex had done this. He had destroyed more than one life that night, that was a given. Tom knew he needed to be strong for her. Judging by the handprint on her face, she had been in here while that guy was. He grabbed for the cell phone in the pocket of his oversized pants and called for help. After he hung up, he walked over to where the girl was sitting. "We should go wait outside for the ambulance." He said solemnly. "I 'm not leaving him." He saw her hands grasp the corpse tighter and insisted with even more persistence that they get out of there. When she still refused, he grabbed her around the waist and tried pulling her up. She screamed at him, not letting go of the man that now was half in her lap and half on the floor. He pulled with even more force, being careful not to hurt her. She was exhausted, her strength nearly gone altogether. With one more slight tug, she gave in, crashing backwards into him. He turned her around and pulled her into a tight hug. Neither one of them knew how long they sat there but it felt like forever. They both lost someone they knew it would be near impossible to live without. She had cried hysterically into his shoulder, whereas he only allowed a stray tear to two roll down his cheek. When the ambulance finally got there, he insisted she go with them to get checked over. Too tired to fight, she obliged. Once they were on the road, she stared out the small window at the sky, reflecting on the memories she had shared with Bill. "What's wrong?" The girl asked in a panic as she walked into the office of her school and saw a very distraught looking man. "Tom's in the hospital - he was in an accident." His voice was shaky. "Oh my God..." She pushed her bag further up her shoulder as he man led her out of the building. Once they reached his car, she turned to him. "Is he okay?" He looked confused for a moment. "What? Oh... yeah. He's fine." Her eyebrows furrowed. "Then why am I out here?" Grinning, he took her hands in his. "I have something important to tell you..." He paused, looking her over. There wasn't another person he'd rather be with than her; Adoration was an understatement. "I kind of like you." His nose crinkled as he grinned, his brown eyes sparkling. She smacked his arm. "I thought Tom was hurt and you just brought me out here to say that?!" She was yelling but she couldn't help but grin. The little things like this that he did were sweeter then anything she ever thought someone would do for her. "I kind of like you too." She whispered, her voice hoarse. She turned away from the window. The image of those words carved into his chest was engraved on her mind, threatening to haunt her forever. She was weak and tired. Her eyes stung from crying and her body ached all over. Nothing hurt worse than losing him, though. Knowing that she had hurt him. Would he have forgiven her if he weren't dying? Would he have ever spoken to her again? She doubted it. Why would he? She said some horrible things about him that now, she wished she hadn't. Wishing... that did a lot. He wasn't ever coming back. He was dead; gone. Perhaps she was dead, too. An empty shell destined to be alone until her last breath was drawn. She closed her eyes and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders. "I'm sorry... I have a revised version on my other computer... but I've yet to fetch it. So... how do you like it? *bites lip*

16 years ago

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Member since 2009 • 366 Posts

Do you really expect someone to read that WallO'Text? :D

16 years ago

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Member since 2005 • 8715 Posts

Blog It!

16 years ago

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Member since 2009 • 25 Posts

I don't know. . .maybe? xD Hey, if I can sit and endure an article on the chemical database, who knows what other people are capable of! And if they don't, well... no harm, right?

16 years ago

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Member since 2003 • 10589 Posts

I second the blog advice. Be easier to read and you'll get a better way of feedback without going through whats a post and whats a new story entry.

16 years ago

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Member since 2009 • 366 Posts

I guess I come here to relax and chat a little, be silly and have fun not read a term paper on quantum physics etc..

16 years ago

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Member since 2005 • 8715 Posts

Nah, Blog it

16 years ago

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#8 SpringsCandy

Member since 2009 • 34 Posts

It's alright, parts of it remind me of SMeyer which isn't a good thing to me but might be to you. I'm guessing you're a fan? For concrit, I'd say cut down on the adverbs and dialogue tags. Otherwise? It was good and actually pretty sad. This is probably the wrong forum to post it in though. :P Thirding/fourthing/whatever the blog suggestion, more people are likely to read it that way honestly. Plus then it could be all organized and stuff!

16 years ago

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#9 allnamestaken

Member since 2003 • 6618 Posts

I started off thinking I was going to hate it, but it wasn't terrible. The only part I didn't really like was when the killer started mocking the girl as the relationship between the killer and the victim was completely unclear. I mean, I realize that it was her ex-boyfriend, but how did he know about the couples personal conversations? Also, the second last paragraph made no sense to me.

Apart from that I'd say the imagery was a little cliche, but that's something you'll definitely develop as a writer. All in all, pretty good in my opinion! Also, this is way better than anything I could ever write so take my advice with a pinch of salt.

16 years ago

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Member since 2009 • 25 Posts

[QUOTE="SpringsCandy"]It's alright, parts of it remind me of SMeyer which isn't a good thing to me but might be to you. I'm guessing you're a fan? For concrit, I'd say cut down on the adverbs and dialogue tags. Otherwise? It was good and actually pretty sad. This is probably the wrong forum to post it in though. :P Thirding/fourthing/whatever the blog suggestion, more people are likely to read it that way honestly. Plus then it could be all organized and stuff!

I've actually never read anything by her in my life. o.O In fact, I'm kind of opposed to the whole Twilight thing, haha. I actually agree about the whole blogging thing as well... but since it's late and my mind is functioning quite horribly, it was a quick 'hey, I could post my story here' type of things.

16 years ago

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#11 allnamestaken

Member since 2003 • 6618 Posts

[QUOTE="quasheh"][QUOTE="SpringsCandy"]It's alright, parts of it remind me of SMeyer which isn't a good thing to me but might be to you. I'm guessing you're a fan? For concrit, I'd say cut down on the adverbs and dialogue tags. Otherwise? It was good and actually pretty sad. This is probably the wrong forum to post it in though. :P Thirding/fourthing/whatever the blog suggestion, more people are likely to read it that way honestly. Plus then it could be all organized and stuff!

I've actually never read anything by her in my life. o.O In fact, I'm kind of opposed to the whole Twilight thing, haha. I actually agree about the whole blogging thing as well... but since it's late and my mind is functioning quite horribly, it was a quick 'hey, I could post my story here' type of things.

Don't worry about it, some people just like to pretend that they actually care whether or not someone posts a story on an online message board.

16 years ago

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Member since 2009 • 25 Posts

[QUOTE="allnamestaken"]I started off thinking I was going to hate it, but it wasn't terrible. The only part I didn't really like was when the killer started mocking the girl as the relationship between the killer and the victim was completely unclear. I mean, I realize that it was her ex-boyfriend, but how did he know about the couples personal conversations? Also, the second last paragraph made no sense to me. Apart from that I'd say the imagery was a little cliche, but that's something you'll definitely develop as a writer. All in all, pretty good in my opinion!

Ah, yes... the cliches. D= I'm really working on that. As for the relationship, in the revision, I've tried to make that a little more clear. I know, that doesn't help at all since you haven't read it but... still. I'm trying! Haha. Which part of the second to last paragraph didn't make sense? Maybe I could clarify (then revise the story some more so it makes sense). ^^

16 years ago

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#13 SpringsCandy

Member since 2009 • 34 Posts

I dunno if that was directed towards me or what, but meh :P I don't mind, was just putting it out there because of all of the OMGTLDR comments from people who felt it necessary. And yeah, I kinda hate Twilight too. ...sparklesparklesparkly :(

16 years ago

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#14 allnamestaken

Member since 2003 • 6618 Posts

[QUOTE="SpringsCandy"]I dunno if that was directed towards me or what, but meh :P I don't mind, was just putting it out there because of all of the OMGTLDR comments from people who felt it necessary. And yeah, I kinda hate Twilight too. ...sparklesparklesparkly :(

oh, no mainly at the unnecessary TL;DRs without any meaningful input. To quasheh: I just didn't understand what was happening. If I read it carefully I gather that Tom was in an accident in the past, but it wasn't serious or something... The point of the paragraph I assume was to show an example of a touching moment between the couple right? It just feels unnecessarily confusing to throw in hints of a previous accident. Plus why would Bill put her through the worry of thinking something was wrong with Tom, just to see her? Seems like a bit of a mean thing to do!

16 years ago

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#15 ChrisBrown2809

Member since 2009 • 62 Posts

I haven't read it. I may though, I enjoyed Theo's OT Trilogy.

16 years ago

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Member since 2008 • 3263 Posts

cool story, bro.

16 years ago

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#17 Dark-Sithious

Member since 2008 • 3914 Posts

I haven't read it. I may though, I enjoyed Theo's OT Trilogy.
ChrisBrown2809

So, you and Rihanna just got married?

16 years ago

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Member since 2007 • 8472 Posts

Is it really worth it? :P

16 years ago

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