Tell me a JOKE!!!

[QUOTE="Film-Guy"][QUOTE="psyball"]

Knock, Knock,

Who's there?

Duane.

Duane who?

Duane the tub, im dwownding.

lol, thats honestly all i got, i hope nobody actually laughs at this.

psyball

I got a better one.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to leave the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!'"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves".

lol that is better.

Lol that gave me a good chuckle in fact lots of the ones made me laugh

Specially the ones that Burned and Owned

Why did cave men drag women around by their hair?
If they dragged them around by their feet, they'd fill up with dirt.

I'm not racist, but I love racial/stereotype jokes. Hopefully the following modification is passable.

Why doesn't a [insert race of choice here] bride wear underwear?
To keep the flies off the cake.

BETTER NATE THAN LEVER.

Wow, instant classic.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "F*ck off! You won't bring it back."

Link.

It is really long to post here

pintabear49blue

So the thing that's supposed to be funny about that is [spoiler] The pun at the end ? [/spoiler]

[QUOTE="ElZilcho90"]

[QUOTE="needled24-7"][QUOTE="ElZilcho90"]*long ass joke*
blackngold29

You know you've told it well when you get death threats.

That was an awesome joke. I was in so much suspense.

Same :lol: Really wanted to know what he did with them!

A drunk man in a bar pukes all over his own shirt and says "Oh god my wife is going to kill me...she just bought me this new shirt..." And the bartender says "Here, take this 10 dollars, tell her some stranger puked all over you and gave you 10 dollars for cleaning" drunk guy says "Uh, ok, I'll try..." he goes home and sure enough his wife freaks out "what happened to you?!" "some stranger puked all over my new shirt and gave me 10 dollars for cleaning" so he pulls out the 10 dollars and his wife says "but, this is 20 dollars..." "oh yeah, and he also sh*t in my pants..."

Good Stuff:

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[QUOTE="nintendorocks"]

[QUOTE="OfficialBed"]the toronto maple leafs are like a tampon, they are only good for one period.icarus212001

Oh snap!

agreed! that was hilarious!

tha was hilarious!

a photographer was focusing on a dead body's face in a funeral...then the photographer gets beat up by a family... u no why?

he said "smile plz"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

dad : son go water the plants

son : dad its already raining

dad : so what? take an umbrella and go!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

a guy and his wife went to starbucks

they order a hot coffee

guy : yo wife, drink ur coffee really fast

wife : why?

guy: its says here... hot coffee $ 5 and cold coffee $10

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

a guy goes to visit his dying chinese friend in the hospital

dying chinese frend : chin yu yan!

(the chinese dude dies)

his frend goes to find what his last word was..so he goes to china..he finds out his last words where

"YOUR STANDING ON THE OXYGEN TUBE!"

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

The holocaust.

Film-Guy

:lol:

Sweet Moses, that came out of nowhere! :lol:

person A: I have been kicked out of the swimming pool for pissing in it

person B: but A, that aint so bad, alot of people do that

person A: yes, but not from the divingplank

I suck :cry:

A walkman and a salesman walk into a bar...

and then I don't remember. :|

What did one snowman say to the other?

Smells like carrots.

[QUOTE="justin4444"][QUOTE="blooddemon666"]

If a man runs over a woman in a car, who's fault is it?

His, what the hell was he doing driving in the kitchen?

nintendorocks

what if the woman was in the street?

Then she should have been in the kitchen.

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.
ElZilcho90

I really hope you die

Link.

It is really long to post here

pintabear49blue

[QUOTE="pintabear49blue"]

Link.

It is really long to post here

jaydough

:lol: amazing joke :lol:

[QUOTE="pintabear49blue"]

Link.

It is really long to post here

jaydough

Can you please explain the joke to me? I seriously do not get it. Thanks.

This thread isn't over yet:D

A man meets a girl in the woods. She says "I'm game" so he shot her.

What happened to Jesus when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the crap out of him.

A shampoo salesman speeds along the road and hits a rabbit.

The The shampoo sales man decides to make ammends to the dead rabbit by washing it up with some of his product before speeding away again.

The next day, the shampoo salesman speeds along the same road and sees the rabbit standing by the side of the waving at him.

The same happens for the next week untill the guy stops and examins the rabbit. The rabbit is still waving.

The empty bottle next to the rabbit reads "Permanent wave conditioner for limp hair."

A guy goes to a dentist's office and says, "I think Im a moth"

Then the dentist says, "If you think your a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"

Then the dewd says, "Becuase the light was on."

Yes, thats the worst joke ever.

A guy goes to a dentist's office and says, "I think Im a moth"

Then the dentist says, "If you think your a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"

Then the dewd says, "Becuase the light was on."

Yes, thats the worst joke ever.

Penguin_dragon

I have one thats worse.

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Wheres my tractor?

What do the playstation brand and chris benoit have in common ?

They were popular in the 90's then when 07 came along they just died out

sry :(

A guy goes to a dentist's office and says, "I think Im a moth"

Then the dentist says, "If you think your a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"

Then the dewd says, "Becuase the light was on."

Yes, thats the worst joke ever.

Penguin_dragon

why do lawyers sue?

to make clothes

Look in the mirror your face is the joke UGLY!!!

Just kidding, I'm not exactly sober.

CrazyJ

:lol:

there was this dude who got hit on the balls by a tennis ball... IT WAS ME OK! i never saw it comming!chicken_slasher

what do you call a piece of sand paper in the middle east?

a map!

ELZ I find it funny that you're still getting death threats :lol:
ElArab

It is quite funny :lol:

[QUOTE="jaydough"][QUOTE="pintabear49blue"]

Link.

It is really long to post here

Soul_Killa_Dark

Can you please explain the joke to me? I seriously do not get it. Thanks.

[QUOTE="ElArab"]ELZ I find it funny that you're still getting death threats :lol:
hokies1313

It is quite funny :lol:

I can feel the love. :D

how many feminists does it take to screw in a new light bulb?

---> Trick question, feminists can't change anything

Why is Jesus such a bad hockey player?

---> Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards

i wasnt trying to impress u... i dont even no u.... i was just saying what i wanted to, it was supposed to make u cry not laugh..chicken_slasher

how can u not cry when a man gets hit on the balls....ok so its not sad...u no instead of typing " i'm not crying" u could have saved time and post on a diffrent forum..HA! i just wasted 2 -3 seconds of your life! u'll never get it backchicken_slasher

Well it looks like a certain poster is not going to be too popular here, may not even be invited to some of OT's rather decadent parties.

[QUOTE="blackngold29"]A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

Meh___Guy

I don't get it. sorry people.

[QUOTE="Meh___Guy"][QUOTE="blackngold29"]A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

darkIink

I don't get it. sorry people.

I got it. Hint- a word that starts with the lettr f

[QUOTE="Soul_Killa_Dark"][QUOTE="jaydough"][QUOTE="pintabear49blue"]

Link.

It is really long to post here

jaydough

Can you please explain the joke to me? I seriously do not get it. Thanks.

how many feminists does it take to screw in a new light bulb?

---> Trick question, feminists can't change anything

Why is Jesus such a bad hockey player?

---> Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards

indian_playa

I don't know how many ":lol:" icons it's gonna take to describe how hard I laughed.

Why was Hellen Keller a bad driver?

Because she was a woman.