Texas makes male masturbation illegal

So upon reading the news today about the abortion bill in Texas being overturned, I came across this little tidbit:

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Story

The legislature was able to accomplish another aspect of their pro-life agenda though, a ban on male masturbation.

The new measure will go into effect on January 1, 2014 which will make many forms of male masturbation illegal. Exceptions include sperm donations, which now must only be performed at a designated hospital facility.

Those found in violation of the new law could be sentenced up to two years in prison.

Legislators were hopeful they would be able to have time to pass another bill which would have nullified Obamacare, the federal legislation in which many are decrying as government getting in between people and their doctor and making healthcare decisions for people.

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Ahhh...you silly little neo-cons. It'd be cute if it wasn't so infuriating.

I'm sure they can enforce this.

Individual liberties and all that. Though I'm pretty sure tribuneherald.net is like a much cleverer version of the Onion.

What?! Why?! What is the political incentive for enacting shit like this?

we should all fap in protest

I'm getting this amusing picture of Policemen knocking down a door and shouting "Hands where we can see them!"

It's tagged with 'Satire' and the e-mail is a gmail address...

Seems legit.

I hope you're right, I've never heard of The Tribune Herald so I dunno.

What If I told you that masturbation isn't illegal in Gaza rofl

Gaza 1-Texas 0

Took a few seconds to find this.

Nice. I did Google but didn't find that one.

What about female masturbation?

LOL the American Taliban strike again!

All behold the party of small government!

Well that faps...er, wraps this one up.

Ha! in jail:

So what are you in for?

I KILLED A MAN!!!!

What about you?

oh um, i was masturbating in my room...

@deeliman: It doesn't count if it has to do with your sex life.

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

Haha they stopped being that a looooooong time ago. Now they're big government (except for the rich) that loves entering into people's bedrooms. The modern GOP is cancer and I wouldn't blink an eye if the whole party just imploded.

dont they die anyways if you dont eject them?

Yeah dead sperm are ejaculated through wet dreams.

What does that make wet dreams? An unfortunate accident? lol

edit: nvm aljosa answered this

I wonder why I never have wet dreams.

What an idiotic law

sup Freud

Who says a satire story has to make perfect sense? It only has to avoid being so outrageous that anybody smarter than Forrest Gump would know it is bogus upon first glance.

One Texas lawmaker joyously announced after the passing of the measure, “this marks a milestone for the pro-life movement! We must protect the unborn any way we can; I’m very proud that my fellow legislators voted to protect life, even in its earliest stages!”

Unconstitutional. Texas have no right to get into someone's private business.

they should have some kind of death squad that patrols the streets of Houston, looking for violators. =P

They already have the NSA.

They're pro-lifers, what do you expect?

Isn't that somewhat sexist? :|

Sweden is a little more liberal apparently (as discussed here by Wil Anderson and Dan Ilic - language may offend).

Perhaps the Texas Legislature might want to consider importing a school or two of Pacu.

I feel like not enough on OT realize that this is a completely satirical article.

ITT: People still think The Onion is a real news source.

"Tribune Herald is for satirical purposes only."

Texas republicans are crazy but not that crazy.

this could be interesting...

"Today tens-of-thousands of people staged a protest at the state capital and openly masturbated in protest of the states law that outlaws masturbation More at 11."

Anyhow, I think it's safe to assume that Republicans are 110% responsible for this, in case they try to spread blame to the "state legislature".

Title really needs to read "Texas Republicans make male masturbation illegal".

Tc is a guiilible bugger

Does Texas have a stellar child welfare program? What are the pro lifers plan when people have unwanted births?

Sex is still genocide as only one sperm survives.

Seems most of the posters in this thread are...

Well at least they are going after men for a change.

For everyone in this thread who's just as gullible (stupid) as TC, I'll be like the 5th person to repeat: It's a joke. The site is satire news, akin to the Onion.

The story isn't in The Onion...

It's from another site that is also explicitly satire. Says so right on the webpage. The Onion isn't the only "news source" that publishes fake articles, strictly for the purpose of comedic entertainment. The Tribune Herald is one of many others. They don't even try to hide it.

so now masturbation are like marijuana by law ... lol

solution: all Texas men should protest by masturbating on one single night and then calling the police immediately after finishing to turn themselves in. the prisons will be overrun and the law will be overturned.

Hahaha Gold. I have to admit the reaction is more enjoyable than the article itself.

You looking for a job opening ?

So, I can't touch myself no more?.. oh, that song I remember.

Land of the free :P