This is Max typing now! I have taken over Red's account!
The AMFC Files is the name I just made up for my series. That is, if I decide to write any more. :P
The AMFC Files episode 1 - "Smooth Criminals" - Written and Directed by AlmightyMax
Table of Contents (use ctrl+F to jump to a specific chapter):Â
Chapter 1: Exposition blahdey blah
Chapter 2: Raconteuring
Chapter 3: East Van Pride
Chapter 4: Boss EncounterÂ
Chapter 5: Highway to Hell
Chapter 1 - Exposition blahdey blah
[Daytime. Aidan is on his computer, drinking an ICP and catching up with the latest goings-on in the AMFC]
Aidan: What?! Not a gangsta? Grr... I'll show them. I'll show them all! [sips Pepsi] Aw damn, I'm done this one. MOM! Get me another Pepsi!
Aidan's Mom: ...
Aidan: Mom! I am NOT feeling refreshed here!
[Aidan's Mom still refuses to come onstage. Lexie enters]
Lexie: Father, are you perhaps so daft you cannot tell your mother is rather vexed with you?
Aidan: LEXIE!!! Your first words!
Lexie: Verily, Father, these are merely the first words I have allowed you to hear.
Aidan: I'll try and figure out how and why your vocabulary is already better than mine later. Why's Mom mad at me?
Lexie: Is it not obvious? Your mother heard the Tales of Symphonia skit. She believes you to be infatuated with her breasts.
Aidan: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Uh, so will you bring me my Pepsi?
Lexie: That was the last one, Father. This house is now entirely out of Pepsi.
Aidan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Lexie: Perhaps this really a blessing in disguise. You want Pepsi. You need to prove yourself gangsta enough for your friends...
Aidan: So are you suggesting... wait, what are you suggesting again?
Lexie: Robbery. Steal yourself the Pepsi, Father.
Aidan: Oh, Lexie, I have raised you well. To the Aidanmobile!
[Aidan grabs Lexie's car seat and rushes out to the car]
Aidan: Now to put you in the back seat. I may be taking you along on a robbery, but I'm still concerned about your safety -- WAAAAUGH!
Red: Hi Aidan.
Aidan: Red? What are you doing in the back seat of my car?
Red: I dunno. I woke up here.
Aidan: Oh, no. Red, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Red: Is this another of those stupid AMFC stories?
Aidan: When they try to fit everyone in the union in so they won't make them feel bad?
Red: With all the nonsensical plot twists building up to an even less sensical climax?
Lexie: Red, sensical is not a word, in this language or any other.
Red: LEXIE!!! Your first words!
[Exciting stuff! But let's introduce the villains, so this chapter actually kind of has a point!]
???: Boss. We have a location on Red.
Boss: Excellent. Where is he?
???: Currently in the car of one Aidan McKenzie, heading southbound. The only other passenger is Aidan's daughter Lexie.
Boss: The plan is working perfectly, then. This time, we have left no room for error.
END CHAPTER ONE
Chapter 2 - Raconteuring
Red: Can I ride in the front, Aidan?
Aidan: No way. Lookie here, it says you have to be fifteen to be airbag safe. You aren't even _ _ yet.
Red: Hey, it's a hitchhiker. Should we pick him up?
Aidan: Is he one of the AMFCers?
Red: No. I don't think I've ever seen him before. Could he be an original character?
Lexie: Oh, please.
Aidan: Whatever. I'm going to stop for him! Where are you headed, man?
Raconteur: I'm goin' wherever you go, brah.
Aidan: What?
Raconteur: It's my job, ya dig? I'm your raconteur.
Aidan: What?
Lexie: A storyteller, Father. I believe he's here to narrate this story.
Raconteur: Nah, don't say a narrator. Makes me think of some old dude.
Aidan: Fine, you can come with us. Just stay out of my way. Also, I get all the women we meet who are at least a 6/10. Red gets anyone from 4-6.
Red: Sweet!
Aidan: And if we run into twilight and pspitus, we have to try and help them get together.
Lexie: Father. Which store were we going to rob, exactly?
Aidan: This one right here.
[They park in front of a Safeway.]
Raconteur: Yo, our heroes are holdin' up a Safeway. But this ain't just any ol' Safeway; it's the one where Aidan works.
Aidan: So this is what you do! I like it!
Red: Really, Aidan? Why would you rob the place you work?
Aidan: They'd never suspect me, would they? [pulls out phone and dials] Hey honey. I'm about to rob Safeway. Is there anything you need me to get you?
Raconteur: Aww, ain't that the sweet man all you ladies wanna meet? But little do our heroes know Little Miss Courtney may be closer than they expect.
Red: Well, now we do know that! You've kind of killed any potential for dramatic irony.
[The four enter Safeway]
Safeway Guy: Aidan! You're late for your shift.
Aidan: Oh, yeah, sorry. I was just about to GET ON THE GROUND AND GIVE ME ALL YOUR PEPSI OLD MAN
Safeway Guy: How do I get it if I'm on the ground?
Red: Don't talk back to him, ya hear? He's crazy. He'll bust a cap in yo ass if you don't do what he says.
Lexie: Father, you remembered to bring a weapon, right?
Aidan: Uh.
Red: Quiet. As long as he thinks you're armed we're good.
???: Aidan! What are you doing?
[Courtney enters dragging Twilight behind her]
Aidan: I needed Pepsi. Do you have a better idea of how I could get it?
Twilight: Oh god, another AMFC story. Don't hook me up with psp again, got it?
Courtney: That's not the issue here. You're going to rob Safeway? What kind of example is that to set for Lexie?
Aidan: It's your fault! I just wanted to prove I was gangsta!
Raconteur: But the most exciting part was yet to come!
Safeway Guy: When you guys finish your lover's spat, are you going to rob me, or... okay, that's it. Security!
All: GASP
[The Security Guard enters. Who could it be? Well, it's none other than...]
END CHAPTER 2
Chapter 3 - East Van Pride
Aidan: Is it... nah, it can't be.
Red: No, I'm pretty sure it is.
Twilight: I did not expect him to be so big and buff.
Lexie: I continue to find your incompetence astounding. One must only read his nametag to determine that this is, indeed, Deception.
Aidan: Deception is a security guard at Safeway?
Courtney: Safeway has security guards?
Deception: You're right, it is I / Surrender the Pepsi now / Stealing's illegal
Red: You're calmer than I thought you'd be in real life. Are you speaking in haiku?
Deception: Haiku calms my soul / It helps me find my centre / So I can fight thieves
Aidan: Sh*t. He is pretty zen. I don't think we have a chance against him, guys.
Red: The story can't be over already! We're only on the third chapter.
Courtney: I hope you've all learned that theft is wrong. Come on, let's just leave.
Twilight: Yeah, I can't think of any crazy plot twist that could help you now, Aidan.
Raconteur: But it turns out Twilight was just lacking in imagination! For the group looked up to the ceiling -
Aidan: Why? What's going on up - oh.
Raconteur: - where someone or something was shooting a hole through the roof! The section fell through, and when the dust cleared there stood a figure. Despite being dressed in a trench coat and fedora, and carrying a tommy gun, the group recognized him instantly.
Red: Hey, Max.
Twilight: Why are you dressed as a Chicago gangster circa 1930? Aren't you from Vancouver? Circa now?
Max: I transcend space. And time.
Raconteur: The truth was, after watching one too many mob movies Max's mind had begun to transcend the limits of his sanity.
Max: Check out the mouth on this one. Another crack like that and there'll be a white-hot piece of metal lodged in your frontal lobe.
Red: You remember that one, Aidan. It sounds so much cooler than 'bust a cap in yo ass.'
Aidan: So why are you here?
Max: Because you guys are all acting like amateurs. This is how you rob a Safeway. [points gun at Safeway Guy] I want all the Pepsi you've got. Plus validate this Applebee's gift card. [tosses gift card to Courtney] This is for you, dear.
Courtney: It's nice to see there's a man here with some follow-through!
Aidan: Why is it okay when he does it?
Max: Because I do it right. Look, the Pepsi's arrived. You're with us, big guy. This is now officially a hostage situation.
Deception: Taking me hostage? / The crime's not so serious / Really - it's Pepsi
Max: Growing up in East Van, you learn there's only one thing you can count on - your own ability to not get caught.
Red: So, you've done this before?
Max: Nope. First time.
END CHAPTER 3
Chapter 4 - Boss Encounter
Aidan: Well this is all very interesting, but shouldn't we be getting out of here? We're wanted criminals now.
Raconteur: Our heroes made a break for the exit, only to find that it was blocked off and the silent alarm had been activated!
Red: First security guards, now a silent alarm? This isn't a Safeway, it's a f**king bank vault.
Aidan: Hey Raconteur, what happened to your accent?
Raconteur: I dropped it back at the end of Chapter 2. Even I didn't know what it was supposed to be.
Max: Hey, so this guy tells what's going to happen to us? So who did the silent alarm call? Police? SWAT teams? Rabid attack dogs? Oh goodness I hope it isn't the dogs.
Twilight: Do you smell something... creamy? And chickeny?
Aidan: oh no.
[A giant can of Campbell's Cream of Chicken Soup enters. Also it has arms and legs]
Soup: Intruders! Thieves! Surrender or feel the wrath of 1185mg sodium per serving!
Twilight: I take it that's bad?
Courtney: Yes. That's... extremely unhealthy.
[The soup can hits Aidan on the head. He is knocked unconscious from the blow. The soup can grabs him and starts swinging him around]
Red: Max! Enemy analysis complete!
Max: Great job, Red. Lay it on me.
Red: Its weak points are in its ankle and wrist joints. The thing is - the can is designed to heal over any wounds extremely quickly. You will have to shoot them all at the same time.
Max: Well, hey, there are four of us here. Isn't that just peachy!
Lexie: Seven, if you count Deception, the Raconteur and I.
Twilight: Of course, Deception is here against his will, the Raconteur can't interfere with the plot, and you can't even crawl yet.
Lexie: And that still doesn't change the fact that you only have one gun.
Max: What, you thought I'd only come with this baby toy? Red, catch. [He tosses the gun to Red] Check this out, guys... what're ya buyin'?
Raconteur: Yes, Max was indeed armed to the teeth. He had everything from assault rifles to shotguns to magnum revolvers. That trench coat wasn't just a fashion statement after all.
Courtney: Wait; there aren't any of these in any games I've ever played. What are they? What do I do with them?
Twilight: Come on, Courtney. You point at what you want to die and pull the trigger. It's not rocket science... Lock and load, motherf**ker.
Red: Wait. Aidan's right there in the soup's hand. We can't shoot it - what if we hit him?
Twilight: Don't worry. I can do it.
Max: Twilight, you're a good shot with an AK? I didn't know you were such a badass.
Twilight: Everyone's picked a limb? Okay... fire!
Raconteur: One... two... three... the bullets find their marks! But what's this? It seems one has missed entirely!
Courtney: I told you guys I wasn't going to be any good at this!
Lexie: That doesn't matter, Mother. It has dropped Father! We should leave, right now.
Max: They thought I was crazy for bringing a grenade launcher. [Max points said grenade launcher at the wall, and blows a hole in it] I guess that shows them.
Red: I've got Aidan. Let's go!
END CHAPTER 4
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