Chuck Norris...

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InTeGrA21

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#1 InTeGrA21
Member since 2003 • 1069 Posts

Since we can't but all Chuck Norris jokes on the jokes thread I decided that we need one specifically for Chuck. Post all Chuck Norris Jokes here. They are Hilarious.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

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_Horde

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#2 _Horde
Member since 2007 • 10463 Posts
There's no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There's just another fist.
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deactivated-62d5c59659078

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#3 deactivated-62d5c59659078
Member since 2007 • 2104 Posts
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
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greenpyro33

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#4 greenpyro33
Member since 2007 • 3872 Posts
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk and Kill!
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deactivated-62d5c59659078

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#5 deactivated-62d5c59659078
Member since 2007 • 2104 Posts
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
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greenpyro33

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#6 greenpyro33
Member since 2007 • 3872 Posts
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
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deactivated-62d5c59659078

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#7 deactivated-62d5c59659078
Member since 2007 • 2104 Posts
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
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greenpyro33

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#8 greenpyro33
Member since 2007 • 3872 Posts
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
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grafkhun

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#9 grafkhun
Member since 2006 • 12827 Posts
he can win a game of connect four in 3 moves.
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Marksman2200

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#10 Marksman2200
Member since 2007 • 23037 Posts

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
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grafkhun

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#11 grafkhun
Member since 2006 • 12827 Posts
^ wtf marks, dont put all of them down at once, we have to make the thread last... noob and nice copy and pasting skills :roll: :P
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Marksman2200

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#12 Marksman2200
Member since 2007 • 23037 Posts
I had a webpage bookmarked with all these.
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grafkhun

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#13 grafkhun
Member since 2006 • 12827 Posts
is that an excuse? :P oh well...
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greenpyro33

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#14 greenpyro33
Member since 2007 • 3872 Posts
boo edit that post
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Darth-Sifh

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#15 Darth-Sifh
Member since 2005 • 2473 Posts
The reason aliens don't invade is because they are scared of Chuck Norris.
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greenpyro33

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#16 greenpyro33
Member since 2007 • 3872 Posts
the only thing in existence that can escape a black hole is Chuck Norris
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Mad_Game_hi5

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#18 Mad_Game_hi5
Member since 2006 • 3103 Posts

:lol: marks that's chuck's biography....

when the boogey man goes to bed he checks his closet to see if chuck norris is there...

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure.He goes killing !!

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InTeGrA21

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#19 InTeGrA21
Member since 2003 • 1069 Posts
The Waldo one was hilarious...I cried...:)
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deactivated-62d5c59659078

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#20 deactivated-62d5c59659078
Member since 2007 • 2104 Posts
I had a webpage bookmarked with all these.Marksman2200
so do i When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
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grafkhun

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#21 grafkhun
Member since 2006 • 12827 Posts
^ alredy posted :lol: owned :P
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grafkhun

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#23 grafkhun
Member since 2006 • 12827 Posts
2 good points... well looks like i just got owned :( :P i put one down already.
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Marksman2200

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#24 Marksman2200
Member since 2007 • 23037 Posts

I got another one.

Chuck Norris never gets wet, water gets Chuck'ed

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grafkhun

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#25 grafkhun
Member since 2006 • 12827 Posts
^ pretty good.
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InTeGrA21

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#26 InTeGrA21
Member since 2003 • 1069 Posts
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
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gamah_killah

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#27 gamah_killah
Member since 2006 • 13020 Posts
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
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InTeGrA21

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#28 InTeGrA21
Member since 2003 • 1069 Posts
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
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deactivated-62d5c59659078

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#29 deactivated-62d5c59659078
Member since 2007 • 2104 Posts
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.InTeGrA21
XD now that made me laugh for awhile
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_Horde

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#30 _Horde
Member since 2007 • 10463 Posts
Chuck Norris dosen't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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Mad_Game_hi5

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#31 Mad_Game_hi5
Member since 2006 • 3103 Posts

The leading causes of death in the US are

1.Heart Disease

2.Chuck Norris

3.Cancer

Chuck Norris is my home boy!!!!

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck....That's why parents don't give us money to buy ice cream .

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InTeGrA21

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#32 InTeGrA21
Member since 2003 • 1069 Posts
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
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grafkhun

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#33 grafkhun
Member since 2006 • 12827 Posts

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.InTeGrA21

already been said by gamah i think, but its ok.

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gamah_killah

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#34 gamah_killah
Member since 2006 • 13020 Posts
Well, not so fun, anyways. These all from Google :|
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greenpyro33

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#35 greenpyro33
Member since 2007 • 3872 Posts

uhhh. this thread is so dead

Chuck Norris doesn't write books, he scares the words into arranging themselves.

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Marksman2200

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#36 Marksman2200
Member since 2007 • 23037 Posts
There was a character from Street Fighter 2 named Sheng Long, but Chuck Norris would come in and roundhouse kick if he ever appeared and Capcom called it a hoax as a excuse.
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Shadow-Elite

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#37 Shadow-Elite
Member since 2007 • 18289 Posts
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
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Marksman2200

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#38 Marksman2200
Member since 2007 • 23037 Posts
Already been said by me.. sorry:(
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Shadow-Elite

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#39 Shadow-Elite
Member since 2007 • 18289 Posts
I figured as much but I like that one a lot :lol:
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Marksman2200

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#40 Marksman2200
Member since 2007 • 23037 Posts
Well, I said it in a different way.
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Shadow-Elite

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#41 Shadow-Elite
Member since 2007 • 18289 Posts

How bout this

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

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Marksman2200

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#42 Marksman2200
Member since 2007 • 23037 Posts
Chuck Norris can intimidate milk and make it churn into butter.
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Shadow-Elite

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#43 Shadow-Elite
Member since 2007 • 18289 Posts
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding
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Aumala

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#44 Aumala
Member since 2005 • 6678 Posts
Most people don't know it but, coral castle was made by chuck norris disguised as an old man
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Shadow-Elite

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#45 Shadow-Elite
Member since 2007 • 18289 Posts
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
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gamah_killah

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#46 gamah_killah
Member since 2006 • 13020 Posts

You don't need body armor against Chuck Norris, you're gonna die anyways....

(That was lame) :|

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#47 deactivated-62d5c59659078
Member since 2007 • 2104 Posts
Chuck Norris has a new show coming out called "Chuck Norris' Believe it or Else...". The whole premise is that Chuck goes around and tells people outrageous lies and if they call him on it he kills them.
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#48 Mad_Game_hi5
Member since 2006 • 3103 Posts

The theory of relativity was writen by chuck norris and stolen by einstein.....to travel in time you justa have to get round house kicked by chuck norris

There are several words that can cause death...the specialists have listed them this way..

1st : I'm from Irak (sudden death)

2nd : Hi there Chuckie (round house kick death)

3rd : Your round house kick sucks Chuck !!! (travel in time round house kick)

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Shadow-Elite

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#49 Shadow-Elite
Member since 2007 • 18289 Posts

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

WTF!? :lol:

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Marksman2200

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#50 Marksman2200
Member since 2007 • 23037 Posts
Chuck Norris has the best poker face... his fist!
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