First chapter of a story I'm writing :D

Alex Harper and the Iron Phantom

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Chapter One -- The Visitor

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It was a seemingly normal night in the town of Stonewood. Cars sped through the dimly lit streets, pedestrians kept to themselves, and a gunshot could go off, sending many citizens running, and one unlucky person to a place where he'd never run again. Of course, that never happens. Not usually, at least.
Though no guns would blast tonight, something else might happen, possibly. But, possibly not. Stonewood was a reasonably peaceful town. The biggest crime of the past year was stealing money from the charity drive at the coffee shop. That's it. No murders, no mugging, no mishap of any kind.
But how long could that last?

*

The hooded figure stepped closer to the edge of the hill, looking out from the great pine trees in front of him. The vast cityscape below echoed invitingly. His smooth iron mask poked out from the heavy, dark brown hood, and the dark, glassy-looking eyes peered into the street far below. The wind blew suddenly, shaking the trees around him violently. His cloak whipped around in the wind, and his bronzed, skeletal-looking hand steadied it behind him. He stepped out from the hill, and began to fly in the wind effortlessly.
Seemingly at this occurrence, thunder shook the skies, and rain beat down around the figure lurking within the dark hood. The figure seemed to become invisible against the night-scape haunting the sky, and drifted naturally toward the street below. He targeted a specific building, brilliantly lit, a startling contrast against the wall of black below, and fell quickly toward it, feather-like.
Drifting, drifting like one of the raindrops surrounding him, he fell closer and closer to the ground, and eventually, the dark mass crumbled against the relatively empty sidewalk, ending in a pile of wet brown cloth, as though the being inside had disappeared entirely.
Lying motionless for a brief moment, the cloak began to form human shape once more. The possibly non-existent being within started walking forward, toward the brilliantly lit building he landed before. He stood under the overhang that covered the main entryway of the building, shielded from the rain, if only for a moment. The building's architecture was like that of a great stone temple, different from the many other ultramodern city buildings surrounding it. No, this was a piece of history. This was a pillar of the town. This was a hotel. Specifically, The Stonewood Inn. Not a very original name, but descriptive, nonetheless. The cloaked figure walked into the hotel through the automatically sliding door, into the vast copper-toned stone floor of the main level. He walked very slowly, almost as though he had no feet at all, toward the front desk, where a tall woman stood at a computer, not looking at the very peculiar new guest who had just arrived. The woman looked up from her work as the dark figure drifted closer.
"Excuse... me, miss." The hooded man said slowly. The desk clerk smiled brightly. "Hello, sir. Would you like a room?"
"Thank... you." The desk clerk began work on her computer, typing speedily.
"One bed or two?" She asked the hooded man.
"I don't... care."
"Very good... smoking or no?"
"I don't... care." The desk clerk looked mildly afraid of the mysterious man before her, his head hanging low so as to not show off the mask underneath. She worked still, as the frightening man in front of her stood stone still. After a short time, she handed him a blue key card. He reached out a long, metallic hand and slowly grabbed the card from her slightly trembling hand. She felt the cold, bronze-colored grip touching her hand, making her whole body shiver with fear.
"Room 115, s-sir." She said finally.
"I will... pay after I see... the room." The man offered darkly, slowly turning away from the desk clerk. "O-OK. Thank you, and, uh... en-enjoy your stay." She replied, scared, as the dark man walked toward the stairs.

The man in the dark brown cloak walked up the saloon-like stairs, slowly as ever. A very small boy watched as the cloaked man appeared from the curve of the steps. He gasped at the sheer darkness of the man before him, and slowly backed away. The man walked past the boy without so much as a glance, and stopped at his door, 115.
After carelessly looking at his card with his shiny, iron-mask, the man enshrouded in darkness threw it behind him, as though it was trash. The little boy, still petrified in terror, picked it up off the ground and examined it, as the man behind the iron mask walked through the solid closed door like a ghost. The little boy looked both amazed and shocked at once.
The sight! An already intensely mysterious man, walking through a closed door, as though it never existed. The little boy ran off at top speed, right around a corner, and found his mom, fumbling around in her purse.
"MOM! Mom, I just saw a man walk through a closed door!" He belted at the dark-haired woman.
"Devon," she answered quickly. "stop making up stories!" She found her key and grabbed it from her purse.
"But mom, I-I saw it! I swear!" The little boy answered.

*

The hooded man had entered his room, completely unaffected by the solid wooden door he had just walked through. The man slowly crept toward his bed, and stopped, looking at it. He then continued toward the window, coated in the rain of the night. It was closed tight. The man extended a long, skeletal hand, and without touching it, the window slid open, as if through telekinesis. Rain slowly darted the white carpet, black specks rapidly appearing on the blank floor.
The man's iron mask, unflinching in shape, floated out of the cover of the hood. It floated out of the window, and the giant, glowing, glass-like eyes changed from their original ice-blue color, to a crimson tone, rain coating and dripping off of the mask.
The mask started to glow white, and the skies flashed. The clouds began to churn and part, showing the great flashes of lightning streaking across the sky. Lightning struck the mask, infusing the small, silver-colored object with energy. The lightning continued to strike the mask, flashing more each time.
For a short time, The Stonewood Inn was lost in a white light originating from the mask. Covered in bright energy, the mask was slowly pulled inside by the telekinetic power of the strange hooded man, back into the hood. The previously still mask began to alter in shape, twisting and contorting like a real human face.
But what was this? And what was it for?

This started out as a movie script, but I'd rather write a book.

Please, critique, and keep in mind, I'm only 14.

"and fell quickly toward it, feather-like."

Feathers don't fall fast, though! :P

It did have quite a movie to it in terms of narrative styIe, but I still think it had enough meat to it to stand alone as a story. I actually thought it was quite a good opening overall! It was very slowly (like a script) but despite that it still managed to keep me interested.

Just remember that in dialogue if you say "said so and so" you can never have a full stop at the end of the dialogue! It can also be confusing if you describe what somebody is doing on the same line of dialogue, if they were not the person speaking. Beyond that and a few typos it was pretty polished, though! The latter part of the little boy where he talked to his mother seemed a tad unecessary to me, though, and did seem like something that would work better in a film. That could just be me, though.

So overall good job! :D

But where was the lulz?! :(

something else might happen, possibly. But, possibly not.

_IronManDude_

Sounds rather clumsy. I would suggest removing the first "possibly".

Anyways, I find it hard to critique at a so early point, since nothing really interesting has happend yet, but I will say that it is a heck of a lot better than anything I wrote when I was 14.

She worked still, as the frightening man in front of her stood stone still.

IronManDude

But where was the lulz?! :(

Foolz3h

I'm not writing this one for laughs. This one's serious.

Soon I'll write something funny.

Great first chapter.

I can't find anything to critque, that somebody hasn't mentioned before.

Keep writing, I'd like to read what you put in the next chapter.

First, let me start by saying that it was pretty good, overall.  I think it certainly has a solid foundation, although in my opinion quite rough around the edges (but that's OK; that's what editors are for).

Probably one of the biggest suggestions for improvement that I can make was touched upon by EtherTwilight, which is your copious use of adverbs - "dimly", "invitingly", "suddenly", "violently", "effortlessly" - that's five adverbs just in the very early introduction.  The problem with adverbs - and this is the reason why I tend to use them sparingly and usually only in conjunction with other descriptive words - is because they usually are the poorest of the available devices with which to give description.

For example, the streets were dimly lit - well, how dimly?  What did they look like?  Nearly pitch black, or a dull light such that items below were still visible?  Is there something more known that it can be compared to?

Or, the cityscape below echoed invitingly - why?  What was inviting about it?  Was it the sounds, as the word "echoed" might imply?  Was it the people?

What you have to keep in mind is that your reader needs to be constantly engaged, or else they will stop reading.  There's only a certain degree of "yawn factor" that any given reader will tolerate before giving up, and you want to do your best to find out for as few readers as possible where that threshold is.  Adverbs are very boring and dead - they do not excite or interest the reader in any way, and only give the barest of details if they give any actual detail at all.

Instead of saying,

"Cars sped through the dimly lit streets"

you could instead say,

"Cars sped through the streets, onto which lamps provided just barely enough light for one to see the ground against the darkness"

Both convey the same idea, but the picture in the reader's head is much stronger and clearer, which makes it likely to better maintain the reader's interest.

Or, even better,

"The darkness was thick and pervasive on this night in Stonewood.  The headlights of cars sliced through the night air as they sped through the streets, aiding the cause of the street lamps that lined the roads, which only barely contained enough power to stave off the total conquest of the streets by the blackness.  By all accounts, it was a normal night for the town."

While the second one spiced things up a little by creating a mental picture that can really be seen, this one goes even further and adds blatant personification and almost a self-contained culture between the lightness and the darkness that really makes the scene come alive and heavily engages the viewer - at this point, you're not just telling the reader; you're involving the reader, which is something that really makes the difference between an average, mundane story and a great story.

Another thing that I noticed was that the sentences in the story didn't really seem to have a very nice flow to them - some spots seemed particularly long and unruly, like this:

"He walked very slowly, almost as though he had no feet at all, toward the front desk, where a tall woman stood at a computer, not looking at the very peculiar new guest who had just arrived."

Try to make sure that one single sentence does not contain too many asides, or else it becomes a bit difficult to follow the main train of thought as you grapple with each new diversion.  The main sentence is really this:

"He walked very slowly towards the front desk."

You then additionally give these pieces of information:

- The slowness of his gait made it seem like he had no feet at all.

- There was a tall woman standing at a computer by the front desk.

- The tall woman was not looking at this very peculiar new guest who had just arrived.

Whenever you have a sizable amount of largely unrelated information to give like this, I find it tends to be best to first get the main piece of information out of the way completely, and then focus on the extra pieces of information.  So, you might write it like this:

"He walked very slowly towards the front desk, the lack of speed in his gait making it seem as though he had no feet at all.  Behind the desk was a tall woman by a computer, who at first paid no attention at all to this rather peculiar new guest." (Aside: "who had just arrived" is redundant when preceded by "new".)

One thing I also noticed was - I believe, at least - a complete lack of literary devices, like simile, metaphor, personification, et cetera.  These are obviously not things that should be used just to use them because they sound cool, but when used properly these can really add flavor and spice to your writing, and can infuse life into what is ordinarily lifeless - which ideally is something you want to do for everything you write about.  Just telling your reader is almost always not enough - you must also make your reader truly feel what you are presenting to them, and that is the part that is much, much more difficult.

I think that about covers things - again, like I said, the foundations are definitely solid, so please keep at it.  If I didn't mention something above, you can likely take that to mean that I liked it and that you should keep doing it. ;)

Thank you very much for this. I get the impression that you are a smart man. I agree with everything that you said; after reading your advice, I noticed a lot of what you said. The "who had just arrived" was redundant. The lack of metaphors and similes, and other literary devices, was not unnoticed. I knew, and didn't like that fact. I just couldn't think of anything to compare anything to.

Another thing worthy of note is that I've never had any training in any writing, at all. I honestly don't even know what the different parts of speech are. I didn't know what adverbs were until you elaborated on your general explaination.

Aside from the bad things about the first chapter, what was good about it?

Aside from the bad things about the first chapter, what was good about it?

_IronManDude_

Well, like I said, if I didn't mention something, then it was probably good as it was.  But things that stick out at me as things that are definitely good include the dialogue, especially that of the mysterious masked man - in just a few words, I really got a sense for his demeanor through that, which I think was great.

I also quite liked the description of the Stonewood Inn in the fifth paragraph.  It's succinct, but not too short, and it brought a smile to my face, which I presume was the intent.

I think those were the two things that really caught my eye, but like I said, if I haven't commented on it, it's safe to assume that I didn't see anything wrong with it.

And as an aside, you might considering learning just for your own information the parts of speech - if only because it will make conversation easier about the things you write. :P