Some more comedy bits

Here are some comedy bits I wrote up in the past year. Foolz3h liked them, so I thought I'd share them all.

First bit I wrote, not my best:

This is Seriously Important!

Seriously. What's important? This. This is important. What is this? Nothing. Nothing is important. Why did I post this? Because. Because of reasons. People spend their lives completely stressed, worried about stuff that they shouldn't be worrying about. People die at least ten years earlier than they should due to stress. I've got no stress, allowing me to live far longer. Unfortunately, I breath in second hand smoke all day, and I eat sweet crap all day long, dropping my length of life about fifteen years. Some would worry about not having to stress about anything. You might be like George Costanza and worry deeply for mostly no reason. Some would worry that while they are reading this, their family are getting brutally murdered. Well, you could go check, but I wouldn't. I'd ignore the sound of gunshots, and screams, and keep reading.

So... how about them... uh...

Ok, alright, show's over. 

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Second:

Don't read this!

Alright, man. I know it all. I know everything. What happened at Roswell, the deal with Area 51, everything. Why do you think apes fling their poop at each other, why do you think sodomy is common at jail? I know these answers, I know them all. It's all a part of a conspiracy, it is. The corporation is trying to get us to believe that everyday things that we believed were normal are random events by the public. The corporation controls it all, and you've all fallen under their spell. The corporation is planning a mass takeover. Who do you think is controlling the chaos on Wall Street?! I know it all! They thought they fooled me but they were wrong! I will share my secrets with all of you, now.

Monkeys fling their poo at each other because it's a secret message system. The monkeys are fed with messages to transfer between world leaders and other important people.

Sodomy is fake! Well, not in porn, but in jail. Jail doesn't even exist. The corporation takes criminals and uses them as government agents to pass secret objects. Messages, computer chips, chairs, all tied to the end of one criminal's **** and inserted in another criminal's ***. The criminal is then given a makeover which takes the image of an execution. He then delivers the object to someone.

All these secrets and more will be revealed to you in due time... but the G-Man is breaking down my door.  

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Third, one of my favorites:

Stupid MySpace police!

Just because there are werewolves and vampires jumping around all over the place, that doesn't mean the MySpace police can just treat you like you were a piece of meat. So I'm making my account, and some wise-ass MySpace cop starts strip searching me because apparently I might be a werewolf. I tell him, "No officer, I'm not enjoying this," and "why the hell do you want to know who my daddy is?" By this point I had realized that he was probably not really a cop. So I ran off, and I remembered what I said the last time I was raped, and turned back and repeated it to him. "Ble ble vlark. Zark noradda toh, mezza relio, camplusi." That kept him guessing for what I would assume was several hours, but I had already left the area before fathoming that which I had said.

So now I was walking alone through the "browse" section of MySpace, and thinking all the while about the possible appearance of a werewolf or vampire, and immediately I looked up from my dilemma, and to my mild shock, a werewolf was standing right in front of me! So I said to him, "What are you gonna do, kill me?" To which he replied, simply, "Yes." I stood looking dumbly, not quite shocked, but corrected. "OK then," I finally stated, "go about your business." What was I to do? he had me cornered, until, to my amazement, I saw a vampire! Wow! Robert Pattinson had come to rescue me! I kinda wished it was that red-headed girl who was his sister in the movie, but still, I was happy, finally realizing that maybe vampires were the good guys, but nobody knew it. He jumped down from the profile pic of one "__*gAnGsTa*BoY*__." Don't ask me why, and I won't tell, let's put it that way.

He swooped in front of my new werewolf friend like a vampire-bat out of hell, and said, in as flat and emotionless a tone as possible, "Gary, step away from the kid." Wow! Robert Pattinson! Vampires! A werewolf named Gary! This story really has EVERYTHING, huh? So, Gary looks at RoPa, and sneers. "Look, dude. We all know you need to keep up appearances for the schoolgirls who love you so much, but stop buggin' me! Go on with yourself, when was the last time you saw a schoolgirl who was in love with a werewolf? Get out of here!" By this point, I had realized that Gary and RoPa were going to be going at it for a while, which many schoolgirls would love to have seen. So, I casually walked out of the scenario, and back to my page.

And that's the reason I'm cursing MySpace police. Yep. That's the only reason. It has nothing to do with the ticket I got while driving up to the "making an account" booth, which I'M NOT PAYING, by the way. I refuse. Nope, nada. Zip for them. Okay, fine, I'll pay.

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Fourth:

Have you ever had trouble with your children not listening?

Mom: "Timmy, go to your room."

Timmy: "Shut up! You're not my real mom, Laura! My mom lives in Santa Monica! I'm just visiting dad!"

--

Have you ever had coworkers who just wouldn't listen to reason?

You: "I'm telling you, Jim. Lucas just said that Anakin was Darth Vader to solidify the release of a prequel trilogy!"

Jim: "Then explain why he tells Luke he's his father."

You: "I don't need to, you gotta understand that Darth Vader could never have loved Padme like Anakin did!"

--

Have you ever decided that you were right, and everyone else just needed to shut up?

Mom: "Timmy, go to your room."

Timmy: "Shut up! You're not my real mom, Laura! My mom lives in Santa Monica! I'm just visiting dad!"

Mom: "Okay, time to get the device..."

--

Hi, I'm Dudeman McLeod, and you might remember me from such films as "Nothing," or "Nothing II: The Return of Emptiness." And I'm here to show you a new means of negotiation with...

*brandishing weapon* ...the new XTR38000! A.K.A. "board-with-nail-in-it." The XTR38000 will make people forget the words, "you're wrong," or "shut up," or "hey, that's my papaya, give it back." It will also make them forget their middle name, what peach tastes like, and how bad the Ubisoft conference was this year, but mostly just the first thing. The way it works is IMDTech's patented "Ouchie-Stick." What it does is simultaniously drill a nail into someone's head, while beating them with a stick!

So, buy the new XTR38000! Don't just shut 'em up, shut 'em up forever! More fun than a barrel o' monkeys!*

*Note: IMDTech neither partakes in nor supports any monkey, barrel, monkey-barrel, barrel-monkey related activities, or anything else monkey or barrel related. It's just a slogan. Get off my back, PETA.

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Fifth, and definintely my favorite:

If you are reading this, I am dead. Yes, it is true, loyal follower. Unfortunately, on my quest to liberate North Korea, my helicopter was downed in a terrible, terrible accident. Yes, terrible, yet funny. Carrot Top was on the helicopter, making humorous observations on the situation. Humorous observations involving a chicken, a toupee and a cupcake.

Sadly, I am dead. Even sadder, Carrot Top survived. I woulud say "kill me now," but, well...

You see, I had a chip planted in my brain to connect with my GameSpot account. Now, blog posts will continue to be posted, randomly, from a vast reservoir of pre-written topics. This was scripted to be the first.

Now, for my final words. Always work hard, because otherwise, you might get drafted, and have to watch a guy named O'Hara get his nose shot clean off his face in a trench in Iraq.

Make sure to love your family a lot, because otherwise, who will buy you presents at Christmas? Certainly not me, I'm too busy being dead.

If you hate Metallica, you must die. And make sure you aren't buried near me, or I'll haunt your ass.

Always remember: You'll never be as awesome as me.

And finally, I have a hundred million dollars in unmarked bills hidden in an underwater grotto, off the coast of Cancun.

The money is locked inside a Chinese puzzle-box, inside a safe, inside a treasure chest, hidden in a sunken pirate ship guarded by ghost pirates, all behind a school of sharks. You might want to bring a second scuba suit, buckwheat.

I must mention the riddle to the box. If you get this riddle wrong, you will be transported back to the surface.

"I can never die. I will outlive time, and I was never born. How old am I?"

P.S. Left 17, Right 24, Left 16.

P.P.S. The key to the treasure chest is hidden behind a door guarded by Poseidon. You must kill him using a golden swordfish, which is swimming around in an underwater Indian graveyard. Good luck, ***k.

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Sixth, and hopefully not too influential:

I've been coming to GS for a while, more than a year, now. And in this time, I've only seen one suicide thread.

C'mon, people! Get with it! Without suicide threads, the terrorists win! And I think everyone misses them. Everyone loves them. Lets face it, suicide threads are hilarious! Usually caused by hackers, suicide threads are a way of expressing yourself! When else are you gonna see curse words on GameSpot? On the blogs? I don't think so, god damn it! When else are you going to see immature people calling certain game systems crap without providing good reason? System Wars? Well, OK.

BUT STILL!

Come on, people! Get out there! Get posting! Get banned!

Every suicide thread you DON'T post, one kitten dies!

Do you want to be the reason this kitten dies? DO YOU?!

So start posting suicide threads! Because I'm too lazy!

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So, this is all my work. I spent several hours writing these, I hope everyone likes them. I might post these in OT later.

Ehh... I gotta be honest, I didn't really laugh.  I don't know if that's just me, though, because I rarely laugh at the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, too, and people keep telling me that it's the most hilarious show ever - and it seems like the same sort of humor that is present here - so maybe I just don't have the right sense of humor.

I'd offer suggestions for improvement, but honestly I kinda get the sense that I probably can't, because then I would be making them into things that I find funny, instead of things that you find funny. :P

Read the first three, but they weren't quite that funny. I skipped the fourth and read the fifth, and then I lol'd. The stories  have a tendency to start off witty, but you kind of miss the punch line... repeatedly. Also, and though I assume this was intentional, the rant parts go on for a bit too long.

But yeah, witty vs funny. Try to find that balance and you'll be set. The fifth story wins.

Read the first three, but they weren't quite that funny. I skipped the fourth and read the fifth, and then I lol'd. The stories  have a tendency to start off witty, but you kind of miss the punch line... repeatedly. Also, and though I assume this was intentional, the rant parts go on for a bit too long.

But yeah, witty vs funny. Try to find that balance and you'll be set. The fifth story wins.

iloveflash

Thank you for the input. This is the kind of input I like, actually telling me what I did "wrong." Nobody can say what's funny and what's not, though. The first two weren't really done comedically. The third was, and Foolz3h loved the third. The fourth is one of my favorites, but I didn't try too hard. The fifth is definately my favorite, I just love it. The sixth, meh. What made the sixth for me was the kitten part.

And GabuEx: I hate Tim and Eric. I think it's the stupidest show ever. I suppose certain types of comedy are for certain types of people. I enjoy most comedy, and some don't ever laugh at all. You can't really critique comedy.

Okay, where was the comedy? What was supossed to be funny? Maybe I blinked while was scrolling down the page and missed it. *goes back to look* Hmmm, nope, it's just not very funny (to me, anyway). Still, keep on writing comedy, if that's what you like to write. Comedy is in the ears of the listener...or whatever. I guess everyone has their own idea ofwhats funny. Personally, I like the Three Stooges, Charlie Chaplin, and some of the other older comedians like Red Skeleton and Jack Benny. I guess I'm into old school comedy.starduke

All my IRL friends love my comedy, and even some people I don't like.

I guess I'm a kind of new-age comedy. I don't think it would appeal to people like you, fans of old comedy. Most of my stuff is very sarcastic, other stuff is just fake stuff that happened to me.

I suppose everyone can just stop commenting on this; apparently nobody on here likes it.

I'm sad.

Don't be so easily discouraged IronDukePersonMan, because if there's one thing you'll have to learn if you want to improve your writing, it is how to take criticism. Your friends like your work because they're your friends, but that doesn't necessarily mean your work will be funny world-wide. Start expecting some hits everytime you post here. :)iloveflash

I understand.

You're not iloveflash's younger brother by any chance? You have a somewhat similar styIe with a lot of randomness and talking very freely, though you aren't quite as good yet. Personally I liked number 3 and 5 though I still just laughed at the inside.

Well, I'll give you this, it did made me think. Although the entire thing is nothing new to me. I pretty much knew that media is the worst kind of flattery and sure the government is covering up conspiracies to make new ones seem like there was no conspiracy after all.

As for comedy... um... *Looks at it up-side-down* OOOHHH, there it is, you have to read it backwards. *smacks forhead* Man, I was reading this all wrong. But seriously... NO, SERIOUSLY... um, this seems more like thought processing and problem solving than a comedy script. It would only be funny to thoughs who don't understand anything and laugh at this because they can't make heads or tails out of anything. The prupose of comedy is to create a joke, a gag, a cliche of words that makes us laugh.

Case in point = http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/joke

But then of course, that's the definition. Comedy relies more on humor and fun.

Nothing II: The Return of Emptiness."

That made me laugh a lot