When Life Replaces Death (Chapter 7+8 are here!)

Read chapter 1. You totally scored, huh Lexi? :P

Jokes aside, I thought the tone of the piece was perfect, and the overall flow was fantastic. I appreciate that for the most part, you have excellent grammar, which allowed me to read and enjoy the piece without any hiccups. Also, you have quite some skill with writing in past tense. All that coupled with an engaging story, and I decree that this was an awesome read indeed!

I liked all the characters, btw, including the narrator. ;) (Translate: I'm hitting on you.)

Now for some errors and reservations:

I was in my Canadian studies class day dreaming about Christmas time but soon enough, I was interrupted by my teacher, Ms. Laylee.

lexika

Umm, I dunno what the name of this error is here (ask Foolz for that), but the part in bold is proposing that the previous clause contradicts the second one. In other words, it is incorrect to say "but soon enough" when the following part isn't contradicting the previous part. In other OTHER words, it should read "when I was interrupted", not "but I was interrupted." Throw the word "suddenly" around there if you want some added effect.

Ms. Laylee said to the girl.

lexika

You already affirmed that "the girl" is Kate, so there is no need to continue hiding her identity; just say "Ms. Laylee said to Kate." This also cuts out some repetition. This same issue occurs throughout the next few paragraphs.

"Is that everything?" She asked me.

lexika

The word "She" shouldn't be capitalized since after the dialogue you are still on one sentence. I also don't think it's necessary to continue pointing out who is talking to who; just say "she asked" since it's implied that she's already talking to you.

That's everything, if you want to copy my answers, they're on this sheet of paper," I offered.

lexika

Two things:

First, "That's everything" should be a sentence by itself, or be behind one of those legendary, god-slaying semi-colons. Either way, the comma that comes after it is being misused.

Second, there's no need to keep saying "I said", "she said" after the first two times during a two-person dialogue, since it's implied that the two people a replying to one another.

These issues pop up a few more times during the text, so I suggest some light proofreading when you're done with all the above errors. Also, the last paragraph was broken into sentences a bit too much.

Other than that, good chapter. I'm looking forward to reading more.

Omg, so exciting! Wow! What a birthday! :D

*Ahem.* Yeah, mood well-portrayed. :P I quite enjoyed the atmosphere of this chapter (chapter 2), but I'm really curious as to where it is all leading to, particularly with Kate wanting to tell Lexi a secret. I'm also still wondering what this all has to do with that terrific title up there. I just want moar, dammit! Moar nao! Rite nao!

"no that's not true, I have a few friends here and there but none of the ones who really care about you. None that care enough to invite you to events like movies. I was pretty much alone."

Wrong tense! :D

Possibly only "had" needs to change...tense gives me brain explosions!

"I seen she had a very pretty eyeliner on. It was nothing like I had seen before and it sure made her"

Saw, and had ever seen before...just had works in a way, but tradionally it would be something more along the lines of had ever. But up to you!

"that everything?" She asked me."

"paper somewhere in my binder," She said."

Typos on she!

"people her own their own restaurants. It's either that or they're unsuccessful."

Wait, so not many people own their won restaurant in that area, yet they either own their won restaurant or they don't? :P

"There was one thing a little odd about her though, it was how she looked a lot older than the grade nine age group."

For the sake of flow this might work a little better if there was a coma before though.

"I gasped, "How did you know?"

"I could read it in your eyes," Kate said and then laughed."

But, most likely somebody's special will be their birthday! :P

"Sure! Oh joy do I have a great gift for you, Lexi!"

Is that meant to be oh boy? fair enough if it isn't!

Anyway enjoying it so far. I think the grammar could actually be a bit polished so that it flows better, but other than that good work! :)

"no that's not true, I have a few friends here and there but none of the ones who really care about you. None that care enough to invite you to events like movies. I was pretty much alone."

Wrong tense!

Tom Towers

Aside from "I have", which should be "I've had", the tenses are correct.

I think it is very engaging and well written (despite a few misspellings). I like the main character, and I'm looking forwards to reading more.

To be constructive though, I would like to point out two things you could work on:

A) Attention to details.
It isn't always that important, but it feels rather unsettling when you tell us that Kate's eyeliners is pretty and unlike any other eyeliner Lexi's ever seen, but not tell us about it. As a guy who likes to picture the events in my head, I would like to know what the eyeliner looks like. Also, it wouldn't hurt to tell which movies she saw, or at least what kind of movies. Was it a romantic comedy? Just romance? Action?

B) Showing rather than telling.
First of all, what I suggest is to add length to the part before the holidays. I don't really like the way you introduce Kate, then jump some weeks ahead and talk about her in retrospective. I would have liked it much better, if the character development came through some events. There could be something that happened at school where Kate really demonstrated what kind of girl she was. If you made the part at school longer, you could also leave some hints as to what is coming. Is there something strange about Kate?

One reason why I think this could be smart, is that most of the second chapter feels like it's not essential to the rest of the story. There is nothing wrong about that (it happens all the time in Harry Potter), but I do think the reader should feel like it has gotten into the story before you trail off on a not so relavant track.

All in all I think it is engaging and a very promissing start. Keep up the good work.

O... kay... O_O

Um, I hate to admit this, but the story just kind of took a nosedive. :P Into a bucket of hot water, no less. Firstly, while it is as abrupt as you say, the vast majority of this chapter is just way too unbelievable, and the pace just contributes to that. Lexi just went from moderately naive to total complance-pixie, with all her lines basically degrading into "Haiii, onii-chan!! =3" Secondly, it was really disappointing to find out that Kate's big secret was that she was a... well, an Edward Cullen rip-off. This discovery was triumphed only by the news that Kate's greatest wish was to "blood" (pretty weird choice of verbs, btw) someone she had known for only three months and turn her into her bfFOREVER. I mean really, the plot just thinned out like a "Just Add Water" powder pouch getting drenched in--well... water.

Ouch, I'm giving harsh criticism... I wish I could take those words back, but then I also wish you could take back those words I just read from your story. :P Don't take my crit the wrong way, though; I usually only say all that mean stuff when I really like a series and want it to succeed, but it isn't quite reaching my expectations (just ask waZelda--he's got more wounds from my blade than anyone else). I'm still on board for the next chapter, but do know that I'm not very pleased with this one, and that you will need to redeem yourself in the near future!

Also, if you need any advice, I'm up for giving it.

My life goal is to write something that won't disappoint flash.

I hope the immortality thing is not the only one of Kate's secrets, cause then I'm sharing flash's disappointment. Anyways, although the idea of immortality is much used, I think you can make it work as long as you make it your own story.

As for critisism, that her childhood has given Lexi mental scars is not all that well portrayed in her character, and when she says no one understands why she is like she is, I wonder: In what respect? To me she doesn't seem all that different from everyone else. Sure she sends out a somewhat asocial vibe, but so can be said about around a fourth of the people I've met (and probably myself as well). By the way, please say that by "abuse" you meant they hit her, not anything more serious (because in that case she should have WAY deeper scars).

One of the things I notice in your writing styIe, is how much of the dialogue consists of thanking someone. There wouldn't be anything wrong with that normally, but I'd say you overuse it.

Gramatically, there are some minor mistakes, but I will only point out the one that you seem to do all the time, dialogues that end with coma. Dialogues are supposed to end with coma if they are followed by "she said" or "Kate replied" or something of that matter, but in other cases, it is supposed to be a full stop. You can under no circumstances end a paragraph with a coma. Please remember this and stop doing that mistake.

Oh, and one more thing: I really love stories where you get close up on the main character and begin to feel connected to him/her, so it pains me to say that at times, it feels a little half-hearted at times. For instance, when Kate asks for permission to blood her, it is all written through dialogue. Being offered immortality is a rather big deal. I want to know what is going through Lexi's head as she is considering it. She uses strangely little time to think it through. There should be some instinct telling her that lifechanging choices like this might not be something you should decide on right away.

Oh, and speaking of which: When Lexi asks if she can trust Kate, and Kate holds out a dagger, it make me think this: If she isn't sure whether or not she can trust Kate, why would she close her eyes and let Kate cut her wrist with a dagger. It seems she already trusts Kate quite a lot - maybe unhealthily so.

If it seems harsh, it is just because I sense tallent and I want your story to be the best it can be.

For the record, I'm unfortunately forced to agree with the analysis above - Lexi's personality doesn't really fit with one who has suffered child abuse, and Kate's divulging her innermost secrets with Lexi seems to just come out of nowhere.  I think the singular biggest problem is that you seem to want to cover too much ground and get to the good parts too quickly, which makes the big whammies in the story come across as too sudden and without sufficient buildup.

I wouldn't encourage you to give up on the story, as it does certainly interest me, but I will say that there's no shame in doing so if you really do not believe that a story is salvageable - I myself had a novel a while back that I abandoned when I finally decided that it was just cliche after cliche and that it sucked.

Probably the biggest piece of advice that I'd give if you really want to write a novel is to rigorously plan it out before beginning to write - if you only have a general, vague idea of where you want it to go, then your writing will largely hang on key events that you'll be too eager to get to when writing.  I know that this is the case because I myself have suffered under this in the past. :P

Ehh I think I'll just give it up then. I get too excited when I write sometimes...oh well, whatever. :(lexika

You know, it was only the third chapter most of us didn't like. Just try to rewrite and/or expand on it so that your excitement when writing it translates over to reading it. Remember: editing goes a looong way.

Ehh I think I'll just give it up then. I get too excited when I write sometimes...oh well, whatever. :(lexika

No, please don't give it up. I am still interested in seeing where this is going.

let me be the severalist to say don't stop writing it!

I can explain iloveflash's disappointment in the third chapter quite simply. He finally got Lexi and Katie on a bed together, with Katie gonig to give Lexi a special gift, and it wasn't what he had expected at all, thus the huge disappointment to his libido.

Now, I think the previously mentioned problems with the story can easily be fixed---and honestly the only problems I see are awkward grammatically or flow errors which'll be a breeze to fix! At first I absolutely agreed with waZelda that there was too much telling and not enough showing---and in a way that is true---but now that it's settled into the flow the telling is done through the dialogue and that's a very are and nice little technique. :) (I like stories that do that anyway!) The part with the blooding that waZelda mentioned I actually think does let us know exactly what Lexi is thinking through what she's saying, and that if it was spelled out it'd be intrusive to the mood you've created.

That said there are quite a few moments in the dialogue that are awkward and do take away from the mood, but that's really very simple and minor editing!

I can post the bits I thought suffered from that, but for now I just wanted to offer those words of encouragement!

"Lexi's personality doesn't really fit with one who has suffered child abuse"

Yes, those portrayed in the media do behave quite differently, but the ones that I know do not. Sure they may be scarred by the incidents, but that doesn't necessarily affect their behaviour. But of course (thankfully) there's a small amount of people I know who have. :)

That doesn't mean that everyone will be the same---but that's the thing it really does depend on the person, so you can't really say that her character does not adhere to those who have been abused, unless you want to character to conform to the modern depiction.

The only advise I could give is to treat every chapter as if it were the climax. The second chapter really initiated the rise in action during the third chapter. Although the reveal was easily anticipated you can still personalize this immortality concept to your liking. So I agree with wazelda's above statement that this plotline is acceptable as long as you make it your own story. You may have hit a rough patch of sorts but by all means continue your efforts. If you possesed the courage to begin this tale at least follow through for your sake if nothing else.

Such support! :D Lemme hear a chant!

MOAR!

MOAR!

MOAR!

I like the re-written chapter 3. It is interesting, and it doesn't go to fast like the first chapter 3 did. I think it is really great how the way they talk in the orphanage in many ways portrays the situation, with the foul language showing how horrible the place is. All in all, a very good chapter, and I take back everything I said - except from the gramatical error with coma at the end of the dialogue.

One thing I don't necessarily agree with, is that the card games they made themselves are stupid - I see it as a sign of creativity, which isn't a bad thing.

Only have read chapter 1 thus far, but well -- I can't wait to go on. It provided great context, a good introduction to characters, and well everything that a first chapter should be :)

Also, the quote you posted in your first post has drawn me in incredibly ...and that quote is of course:

"When I looked into Kate's eyes, I knew there was more than just a soul behind them..."lexika

Great writing~

Read the new ch.3. Like I said, editing goes a looong way! :)

Moar!

I like the re-written chapter 3. It is interesting, and it doesn't go to fast like the first chapter 3 did. I think it is really great how the way they talk in the orphanage in many ways portrays the situation, with the foul language showing how horrible the place is. All in all, a very good chapter, and I take back everything I said - except from the gramatical error with coma at the end of the dialogue.

One thing I don't necessarily agree with, is that the card games they made themselves are stupid - I see it as a sign of creativity, which isn't a bad thing.

waZelda

[QUOTE="waZelda"]

I like the re-written chapter 3. It is interesting, and it doesn't go to fast like the first chapter 3 did. I think it is really great how the way they talk in the orphanage in many ways portrays the situation, with the foul language showing how horrible the place is. All in all, a very good chapter, and I take back everything I said - except from the gramatical error with coma at the end of the dialogue.

One thing I don't necessarily agree with, is that the card games they made themselves are stupid - I see it as a sign of creativity, which isn't a bad thing.

lexika

In that case, I get it.

On comas: It depends on what kind of dialogue it is. If it is to be followed by "Lexi said" or something similar, then the "Lexi said" part is part of the sentence, therefore it should be a coma. If it is not like that, then there should be a period. Remember, there is never a coma at the end of a sentence.

To sum it up, this sentence is right.

"bla bla bla," Lexi said.

This sentence is wrong:

"bla bla bla,"

Wa Zelda said

[QUOTE="lexika"][QUOTE="waZelda"]

I like the re-written chapter 3. It is interesting, and it doesn't go to fast like the first chapter 3 did. I think it is really great how the way they talk in the orphanage in many ways portrays the situation, with the foul language showing how horrible the place is. All in all, a very good chapter, and I take back everything I said - except from the gramatical error with coma at the end of the dialogue.

One thing I don't necessarily agree with, is that the card games they made themselves are stupid - I see it as a sign of creativity, which isn't a bad thing.

waZelda

In that case, I get it.

On comas: It depends on what kind of dialogue it is. If it is to be followed by "Lexi said" or something similar, then the "Lexi said" part is part of the sentence, therefore it should be a coma. If it is not like that, then there should be a period. Remember, there is never a coma at the end of a sentence.

To sum it up, this sentence is right.

"bla bla bla," Lexi said.

This sentence is wrong:

"bla bla bla,"

Reading through all the chapters ... found a few errors here and there ... might want to fix this one

"You do not look like you're fourteen, you could pass four at least twenty," I said..Chapter 3 Line 15

"Well...I lived in an orphanage for about seven years of my life. It was really horrible...I didn't like the other kids that lived there with me. They did mean, mean things to...me and...and I feel so crushed,"Chapter 3

---- you, Selena, you're the biggest ---- in this godforsaken place, I hope you and your --- friend, Lexi rot! Now leave me alone before I kill you both!"Chapter 3

The final words 'before I kill you both' just doesn't seem like something anyone would say.

Selena and I slept on the cold wooden floor at night. We had to use each others body heat to keep warm because we didn't have any blankets and it was the middle of winter.Chapter 3

This is so surreal ... I mean, like as I read along -- it gets harder and harder to believe.

---

For comment on Chapter 3 itself -- it is good, the intro to dream, and the outro after the dream are quite good, but the dream itself is lacking. All three chapters are good, but Chapter 1 & 2 are definitely stronger. I'm glad you rewrote this to improve it -- thats what writing is, and well I hope I don't sound like I don't like it because I'm very much interested in the story. You presently have a good premise that has the reader asking a lot of questions ... Why was she in an ophranage? What is the nature of Lexi's and Kates friendship? What is the big problem going to be? ... like the storyline is good, the plot is good, most of the writing is good, but it lacks in some areas and well its not doomed to failure. I think you have a solid base to work off -- just going to take a little bit of work :)

Thanks for the enjoyable read :)

Overall great work on the re-write! :) I actually like the original version as it has a bit more mystery to it, however the new version definitely wroks, and probably carries the stroy along better. The only thing is the swearing was a bit jarring. It's fine in the dialogue, but used in the prose it seemed a bit out of place. It might have been to further the image of the Orpahanage but considering the styIe didn't change much beyond the swearing I don't think it made a huge difference in terms of mood. But that's probably just me, and it wasn't really a huge problem anyway.

Looking forward to more! :)

"Did she not want to go home or something? Did her parents abuse her?"

I agree that it is a bit jarring! Of coures it could also be interprited as her wanting to have been so that they had more in common. :P XD

Anyway I agree with the others; good chapter! Can't wait for more. :)

I definitely like it - it's good thus far, and as others have said, the new chapter 3 is vastly improved.  I look forward to more!

If I may make one suggestion for improvement, though, I think that my earlier comment about you rushing a bit too much in your writing still applies.  The story seems to have next to no emotional transition periods to speak of - one minute everything will be fine, the next they're talking about their terrible years in an orphanage or that they ran away from home and are crying.  I have to admit that I kind of found these parts kind of emotionally manipulative in that they seem to be requesting an emotional involvement that I as a reader was not particularly ready yet to grant it, which I think kind of hampered reader immersion for me.

Still, a good job all around.

Great title for this chapter and a great chapter. I like this extra aspect in the story, though the retrospective chapter came somewhat surprizing since until now, the retrospective had come from dreams.

I just finished reading chapter 5 and I sense a shift in where the story is going as far as the flashbacks are concerned. The hostility of the kids in the chapter is somewhat surreal, but also necessary for evidence of revenge taking place in a later chapter. This is just my prediction though. At the end of the chapter when the two pulled out the magazine I had thought that their advantage was the ability to read before their intentions were revealed.

On Chapter 6:

Felt a little skeptic when the magic was brought into play, but you seem to have handled that element quite well and created a strong story around it. I like how the plot is advancing -- and well I'm still interested to see where it all is going :)

I must admit that I think I actually preferreed the previous narrative arch, but having said that you're handling the new direction well, so that's just a matter of personal taste. :) The problem with the typos still persist, though! And they do detract from it for me. Beyond that though I'm looking forward to finding out what happens next!

I like it, but I didn't quite get the part were suddenly Kate became Selena. I mean, didn't Lexi suspect that way back? She even asked Kate if she knew Selena.

Anyways, one more very small complain: At one point, Kate/Selena called Lexi "Lexika". I don't really see the point of that. You can use a full name to indicate that the person speaking is mad at the other person, but that doesn't seem to be the case. If you did it for variation, I can see theneed since Lexi is mentioned three paragraphs in a row, but it doesn't seem realistic to me that someone would try to vary which name they call someone. If you really need the variation, cutting out the name would work as well, and seem more natural.