When Life Replaces Death (Chapter 7+8 are here!)

I have to say that, contrary to Foolz3h, I actually like this introduction of the fantasy aspect a lot more than the other one.  I think that the way in which Kate introduces it this time and the way in which Lexi reacts is actually quite realistic, so good on you for your choosing to carry on and improve upon the previous attempt - I think you're succeeding quite well in that respect.

Keep up the good work!

Read chapter 4, and it was... DELIGHTFUL! :D

I think this draft is a definite improvement over the old one; there's a lot more buildup and charater development, and I like how you are delving into Lexi's past. The dialogue remains iffy, but for the most part it keeps the story going (if only a bit too fast). Overall... DELIGHTFUL! :D YAY!

This post is mostly based off the first Chapter - I'll do the others later (I've already read them - but critique takes a lot more time than just reading).

Hmm, I think this story could do with some more complex writing - as in, heavier use of semicolons, hyphens in terms of punctuation, for example, and you should try to minimize word repetition per paragraph. For example:

Winter was already here and  the school year was only three months in. December was one of my favourite months_ mainly because of the two week Christmas vacation. I was in grade nine and it was almost exactly like junior high. All my ****ates were the same_ no matter what ****I went to during the day but thankfully, that would change next year. All of the students here in the school say that grade nine is the hardest year. However, when it's over and done with, it gets much easier.Lexika

Now, other things to note about this paragraph (rather minor, admittedly, but I'm picky like that), such as the use of "and" in the first sentence - the "only" a few words after that makes me think that you meant "although". And I'd recommend adding in commas in the spaces I underlined for you... the longer a phrase goes without any "breaks", the more awkward it is to read it, and awkwardness is counterproductive to immersion, which is an essential element of literature and entertainment in general.

Next up -

 

All of my ****ates were already fourteen years old. I was only thirteen_ because my birthday was towards the end of the month, December 29th. I was in my Canadian studies **** day dreaming about Christmas time but soon enough, I was interrupted by my teacher, Ms. Laylee. Lexika

Same as the first, I'd recommend tossing commas into the underlined sections. Also, your sentence conjoination could use some work - the bolded section would be better off with a " - although, I was", and the part about your birthdate (it is yours, right?) would be better of with a hyphen over a comma as well.

Also, "daydreaming" is unspaced.

Not much to say about paragraph 3...

  So let's welcome our new studentLexika

I would think a teacher would use the word "friend", instead, given that she's talking to, well, kids. Who tend to empha5ize their social lives more than their education. 

Not really a big deal, though. Next -

The girl stepped into the room. She had long red hair, dark green eyes, and a pale peach colour for skin. Her hair matched the colour of shiny red apples. A bunch of people in the ****greeted her while some continued to study their books. When the girl

Lexika

When writers describe a character by a certain feature, it's mostly because the character's name has yet to be revealed or because the character's name has been used far too often in a short span of words.

No such issue here, so just use "Kate".

Now, as for describing her hair colour - you could easily compress it into a single phrase - a.k.a. "long apple-red hair". The phrasing about her skin colour could also use work - "pale, peach-coloured skin" fits the sentence structure more, in my opinion.

The girl was wearing a dark leather jacket with dark leather pants.

Lexika

Repetition. Try "she was wearing a jacket and pants, both made out of dark leather". 

 

She smiled at me. She didn't have a text book yet so I shared mine with her. When I looked in her eyes, I seen she had a very pretty eyeliner on. It was nothing like I had seen before and it sure made her stand out. She took off her jacket and opened up her binder. She was wearing a beautiful black tank top with red and blue flowers all over it.

Lexika

There's no need for spacing. And about the eyeliner; firstly, it's "saw", and as WaZelda pointed out, there needs to be some clarity on how it's supposed to be outstanding - it's like the difference between saying a man has an oddly proportioned body and saying that the same man has ridiculously long legs.

  

 I nodded at her and she grinned.

Lexika

Vague. There's two "she"s to nod at, so the sentence doesn't tell us which "she" grinned.

  

"Oh no, it's okay, I've already answered these questions at my previous school, I have the completed paper somewhere in my binder," She said.

"Okay," I said and smiled at her.

Kate looked so cool with that red hair! Also, the clothes she wore were stunning! I noticed too that whenever I talked, she always stopped what she was doing to listen to me and that really meant a lot to me. There was one thing a little odd about her though, it was how she looked a lot older than the grade nine age group.

Lexika

I've bolded and underlined the commas I think should be replaced with hyphens.

 

I liked that because not many people her own their own restaurants. It's either that or they're unsuccessful. 

Lexika

Firstly: Wuh? That's a broken phrase if I ever saw one.

Secondly: I think you should explain why the character thinks that "owning a restaurant" is a "good" thing. There's a fair chance at some expansion into the protagonist's personal preferences here.

Right, now the editing part's about done, here's what I think of the story (up to this point):

The character development is pretty present and obvious - "Lexika" (I'm going to assume this is a fictional take on your childhood experiences given what goes on in the later chapters) is a quiet and insignificant persona in the cl@ssroom itself, so she takes to her new friend (who is in a similar state of "most people don't notice") rather quickly and the reverse happens. There isn't much else going on, apart from some background elaboration, so I don't have much to comment on here - just that the Chapter's pretty simple and doesn't do much wrong.

However, there's room for expansion and improvement. The story doesn't flow very fluently in some parts (though the entire chapter has an easily understandable order of chronology), with, say this;

It was the last day of school before Christmas vacation started. I never had a real friend like Kate before so it felt like I was losing a family member for a short period of time. I wanted to spend time with Kate over the holidays. I don't think it would be possible though, because I always get stuck participating in family events for the one year occasion.

It was the last ****of the day and Kate looked a little sad as she read her book. Her eyes started to get red and she started to get the sniffles.

Lexika

Well, the main problem with this pair of paragraphs is that the transition between the two is quite sudden and almost random. Notice that the first one is just stating a single situation in the entire metaplot about how Lexika really enjoys having Kate as her friend, then suddenly it cuts to a single point in time in the plot itself with Kate going emo. Stuff like that throws readers off, and that's certainly not a good thing. The story is also similarly jumpy in other parts, but I trust you can sniff them out yourself.

Also, I noticed a fair number of sentences lying around your work that could be explored, like:

 

She also loves to tell stories about the experiences she's been through which was really nice because I took a great interest in every story she told

Lexika

Elaboration on the "stories" in question could help the reader build up an attachment to Kate as well as "Lexika". Given that the document itself is not particularly long, you could build off all these rather small points and add some neat details into it to flesh out the characters and plot more intricately. However, don't pull a J.K. Rowling on us and overdo it, alright?

Note: I hope you don't let this discourage you from continuing the story. I may come off as a little harsh with the massive wall of text and all, but really, we're all just here to help you improve.

Well I really don't know how to put this without looking like a sore loser...but that seriously feels like a kick to the head. I think I'll put off all my writing until I finish high school. :(lexika

That's not as bad as a kick to the groin!

*ba-dum chh*

No, seriously. Giving up on the story just like that and leaving your readers stranded is like a kick to the groin. I want my money back!

You know, one thing you could do if you don't like the criticism is just ask people to stop. We're only trying to help, but that's because we're fans too. If it means you're going to quit writing, then I think I speak for everyone when I say we'd rather not give you critiques. Your call.

Whatever you choose, have faith in yourself! Everyone's clamoring for you!

Note: I hope you don't let this discourage you from continuing the story. I may come off as a little harsh with the massive wall of text and all, but really, we're all just here to help you improve.

Barbariser

Shame on you--look what you did. I should cut you. Aber, where's my shank device?

Well I really don't know how to put this without looking like a sore loser...but that seriously feels like a kick to the head. I think I'll put off all my writing until I finish high school. :(lexika

No one here's giving you critiques because they hate your story or whatnot - in fact, "hating" isn't the point of criticism. So what if somebody points out if you have mistakes in your story? Just correct them and try to learn from it - if it's going to help improve the writing in the future (and since all this is in draft form, it's not finalized and there's nothing to be embarassed in making mistakes about since that's what drafts are for), then it's something you could look forward to.

Unless, like Flash said, you don't want people to criticize your story because it's simply rather dreadful to find out that you've made mistakes (no matter the quantity of issues highlighted, all new readers and even many of the more experienced once will have this sensation when reading feedback; so don't go red in the face about it) at which case I'll leave the grammar parts (the main portion of all that intimidating bulk) out of my future posts here since it doesn't really bother me. The story isn't poorly written, if that's what you think I was saying.

Well it really isn't the corrections people are making for me. It's just I feel now I can't develop a story properly and no one understands why I write certain parts the way I do. For example when Kate started crying, I tried a little foreshadowing to show that Kate already knew Lexi before and was suffering from a little emotional breakdown. :( Awww whatever, I don't know anymore.lexika

But just because they didn't necessarily get it doesn't mean you haven't done what you intended to! I for example preferred the original narrative, that doesn't mean you should have left it as it was or changed it, but that there's going to be a wide opinion about the story.

I personally would be quite sad if you stopped writing, and while I would like to read it, I'd feel better if you continued writing but just didn't post it here. Of course what I feel is irelevant---and should be irelevant. I do hope you don't stop writing the story because of this, though. :(

Well it really isn't the corrections people are making for me. It's just I feel now I can't develop a story properly and no one understands why I write certain parts the way I do. For example when Kate started crying, I tried a little foreshadowing to show that Kate already knew Lexi before and was suffering from a little emotional breakdown. :( Awww whatever, I don't know anymore.lexika

Some of the greatest artists in history are those whom to this day people don't fully understand. ;)

I apologize for being a little brat earlier this week. :( I'm sorry I took everything a little personal. I just get that way sometimes. Thank you guys so much for encouraging me, I really really appreciate it so much! I hope you guys like these two chapters. I hope they give you something to think about. :)lexika

In the absence of flash let me say:

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Just read chapter 7 and 8. See, now I'm personally perfectly happy with the change in narrative arc. That's the thing, all our comments are made with a big degree of ignorance, because we don't know what the whole story is like, so we aren't really fully qualified to comment on it.

Anyway, great work on the two chapters. :D

I suppose you're fine with me pointing out grammatical errors, so...

Sadly, no one joined me which was a little heart breaking

It was heart breaking because she didn't want to spend time with her little girlLexika

That word isn't supposed to have any spacing in it.

Their laughs and chatter in the living room did upset me a little bit though Lexika

I think "laughter" fits better here.

She told me that I was never deserved to be in this family and that I was a mistake in my parents' marriage Lexika

The bolded word is unnecessary.

All __ my underwear have tears and holes in them," I told her. Lexika

Shouldn't there be an "of"?

They looked so comfy and they were steel toeLexika

Toed?

Would it be okay if one of my friends came over for my birthday?" I asked politely_ Lexika

Missing a period there.

Everyone else in the house was loud so it didn't really matter_ but I assumed no one knew Alex and I were drunk Lexika

Break this up with a comma.

Also, can you get drunk on a "sip" of the stuff? :? I've taken about a mouthful of the stuff before (I'm underage) and the only effect it had on me was making me pull a funny face.

"No…I wish but no one will teach me. I have a cooking class in the second half of my school year so I'm hoping to learn a lot of stuff there,"Lexika

The comma at the end should be replaced by a period.

Even though it was melodic death metal, it was soothing to my ears and had a lot of meaning behindLexika

What band did you have in mind?

Also, that stuff isn't exactly... family-friendly. How about adding some hilarious reactions from the other characters? :P

"Nope! It's supposed to look like that. You look brilliant! It doesn't fit on me so great anymore so that's why I have a different one,"Lexika

Again, close the paragraph with a period.

"Hey, Lexi? Would it be okay if I talked to you about some personal things?" My mom called Kate and I for dessert right when she asked.Lexika

Find some way to separate that sentence from this paragraph - it threw me off quite a bit when I got to that.

Right, that's about it for editing. This chapter's got a remarkable amount of character development, I'll give you that - describing the main character's personality, physique, family, social situation, personal preferences, .etc. You're also probably the only other person here who listens to the more brutal forms of metal (judging by your sig) so that's a plus. :P

However, I'm still going to have to cite the writing issues I highlighted in my first post here - the punctuation lacks variety, with no use of hyphens or colons. A fair number of your sentences could be conjoined to reduce the number of words you use to get your points across, and the repetition factor can get pretty heavy at times. It's still quite inspecific at times - for example, what movie did they watch?

So, all in all, I'm repeating myself: Gripping story, decent execution - but the latter can be improved a great deal.

Sorry people for being away. I'll try and write a few more chapters soon.lexika

Can't wait. :D

I must have been away when chapter 7 and 8 was posted.

Chapter 7:

A short, but very good chapter. The only problem I have here, is the use of the word weapon. You remember what I said earlier about attention to details, right? Just saying she put the weapon in his head make me wonder wheather the weapon is a knife, gun, broken pipe etc. and how she obtained it.

Chapter 8:

"I'm not worried about the close part but if you're very sure this is what you want, then it will work I assure you."

I don't think but is the right word here, since both the first and second part of the sentence is saying it should work. Replace but with so, and the sentence makes more sense.

"I remember you always stabbed yourself in the lips with that fork by accident so many times"

Overkill. Always stabbed yourself in the lips with the fork would work. Stabbed yourself in the lips with the fork so many times would also work, but not both always and so many times. Also, I don't think she is refering to one specific fork, so it should be the fork, not that fork.

"I remember the first thing I heard was my brother talking about his favourite types of cheese and as to why he hated Swiss."

Brilliant, that is attention to details! Not only do you say that he was talking about cheese, you also inform us that he hate Swiss cheese. While it is probably 100 % irrelevant to the story, it adds a lot to the reading expirience.

"I smiled at Selena and started to hug and kiss her like she was my own daughter."

This is very picky of me, but considering Lexi doesn't have that good a relationship with her mother, the comparisin comes off as rather odd to me. Also, I didn't think mother and daughter was hugging and kissing much more *work missing due to limited vocabulary* than two girls that are friends, so the only comparisin I can think of that would say that they were hugging and kissing more *word missing* than usual would be "as though we were sweethearts" (though I imagine it might not be quite that passionate).

"I would've chosen that hand or something"

Once again, I don't see the reason to use that instead of the.

"I'll leave the choice up to you but I hope that you'll come back with me"

Unless English grammar differs from Norwegian on this point, you are always supposed to have a coma before but. Try reading this sentence without any breaks and you will see how weird it sounds.

Anyways, still loving your story, and I hope that you have something really fun in mind when Lexi will play her siblings some tricks.

She ate very slow but it seemed like she really enjoyed every little biteLexika

That should be an adverb.

"You do not look like you're fourteen, you could pass four at least twenty," I said.Lexika

"You could pass four" doesn't sound very complimentary.... 

"Oh, well, I don't think I've matured that much, I mean I don't talk that much. You're like seriously the only friend I have and the only person I talk to outside of my home,"Lexika

Without a dialouge desriptor at the end, that last comma should be a period.

"Well...I lived in an orphanage for about seven years of my life. It was really horrible...I didn't like the other kids that lived there with me. They did mean, mean things to...me and...and I feel so crushed,"Lexika

See above. And I've noticed a lot more after this; they're pretty easy to spot if you're paying attention.

She lifted up her shirt and wiped my tears away.Lexika

You might want to rephrase that first bit; if it wasn't for the second half I would have interpreted it in a very wrong way. :?

Anyway, I suppose there's no point in continuing my negavity streak and posting the same old criticisms again; I'm sure you've gotten the message and a third repetition would bore you. I think I know what this story offers that makes me want to read it - the character development. I've noticed that most other stories written in this union tend to be somewhat faster paced with their progression, which does leave less room for fleshing out their characters. While I don't mind the somewhat heavy focus on the "now" in them, I'd say that your pieces are to be commended due to the careful way they treat the main character's persona.

And for the most part, this chapter flows better than the last two pieces; it doesn't mess up its chronological tones like that instance I mentioned from the first piece. 

If there is a complaint to be had that I haven't already mentioned weeks ago, it's the dialouge in the orphanage scene; there's something about the way Selena and Alycia swear that feels forced. I don't know how to describe it from that literal-technical point of view that I usually try to do, but it's sense of awkwardness you can pick up when you look at it in relation to its context.

By the way, seeing as you're a Melodeath fan and I'm interested in looking for more music, I have to ask you: which Arch Enemy albums would you recommend to me?

It FLOWS! The pace of this story is simply astounding; it's one of the best I've ever seen!

Read Chapter 5 and loved the hell out of it. How horrifying to be treated like that! But hopefully a solution is nigh.

This new draft is turning out superior to the last.

"May you please help me achieve all that happiness, Selena?"

lexika

EVILLLL!!! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG, LEXIKA'S EVILLLL!!!

I can't help but imagine a scrawny-looking girl with a face covered in dry tears tilting her head to one side as she poses that question in a very innocent voice. Pure villainy, that.

Anyway, interesting chapter. Definitely keeping things rolling, but still I can tell that this was one of those chapters you were really excited to write; for one thing, there were a noticeable number of typos as compared to the last chapter, and for another thing, the pace was noticeably fast. Keep in mind that, the majority of the time, it's the little things that contribute the most to the excitement; little things like "she added an awkward laugh" and "I looked away, unsure what to think" can make dialogue a thousand times more interesting. Prolonging the really good lines, pointing some of the characters' reactions, and teasing the reader with extra comments are other really vital ways of building up the tension in a dialogue, so my advice to you is to start practicing on that during your next major dialogue.

Here's how I would've handled a part of this chapter:

The voice of Selena made me stop instantly. I knew that Selena would never do anything to hurt me and she only wanted what was best for me. What she was talking about didn't really make any sense to me but if she's wanting me to go back, then things can't be all that bad anymore.

"Why should I go back? To get beaten down by Jordan and his **** friends again?"

"Why should you go back, Lexi? Why?" She said sarcastically.

"Yes, tell me that. Exactly that!"

"You should go back to teach them a lesson. You should go back to make them suffer. You should go back to fill all those missing holes in your life."

lexika

The voice of Selena made me stop instantly. I knew that Selena would never do anything to hurt me and she only wanted what was best for me. What she was talking about didn't really make any sense to me but if she wanted me to go back, then things couldn't be all that bad anymore.

"Why should I go back?" I asked quietly, more to myself than to Selena. "To get beaten down by Jordan and his **** friends again?"

"Why should you go back, Lexi? Why?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes, tell me that. Exactly that!" I almost screamed, as my blood started to boil with rage.

Selena rose up off the bed slowly and began creeping towards me. I was frightened for a moment, but only because I had a sudden, unpleasant inkling as to what she was about to say.

"You should go back to teach them a lesson. You should go back to make them suffer. You should go back to fill all those missing holes in your life."

iloveflash

Now THAT, my good lady, is my type of buildup! :D Purely subjective of course, but I'm sure you can learn something from it.

Anyway, looking forward to reading the next chapter! I'm keeping a keen eye on your writing in order spot any patterns that need working on, so if you need an assessment of yourself feel free to ask me anytime.

Actually here I think the bits added to the dialogue are pretty unnecessary as they're very specific and thus become a bit heavy, and don't really say much the dialogue doesn't.

But as you said it is down to taste I suppose.