One issue I ran into, that I see you also did too is that the gamespot web editor drops apostrophes. From a readability standpoint, this makes the whole passage just a little more challenging. I took the time to proofread and add them back and I think that would be a good use of time. Im not sure why you choose to only put the main characters dialogue in quotes, very Cormac McCarthy of you, but still somewhat halting while Im reading. The goal, as I see it, and I could be wrong, is, as a writer, you want the reading to be as effortless for the reader as possible. Anything you can do to make what youre writing seem easy and accessible, the better. It is also nice to describe the characters a little bit. A couple places you use the same word in the same sentence, just like I did there, and it is sometimes nice to throw some variety in. There are tons of online thesauruses out there, but dont go the Christopher Paolini way and swap out words that dont make sense. I try to stay away from adverbs as well, words ending in ly and instead try to describe the action or surroundings as accurately as I can.
This sentence should have been caught during a proofread:
She's unable to hide mask her voice as she watches me get beat down.
It is either hide or mask, not both, I think. The ending is almost anticlimactic. I realise you were up there in the word count, but describing it might be better. There is a heavy dose of despair at the end of your entry, but I dont get the entire feeling of it in that one sentence. Though, that might just be me. Overall, the piece is well written.
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