First, a phenom is a word describing a person and not an abbreviation for phenomenonthough a phenomenon can also describe a person as well. ^_^
Industry is misspelled. (Not industy)
There is a growing group thats been vocal about the displeasure of what games like Call of Duty has taken advantage of gamers with yearly releases --Â This sentence is a bit of a mess. Try changing to something like: There's a growing group actively vocalizing their displeasure of games like Call of Duty taking advantage of consumers with yearly releases
The ending of the first paragraph is great. Solid writing!
Phillippines -- Â Consider revising to the Philippines have if you're talking about the country as a whole.
when i heard -- "I" should be capitalized.
Tekken Tag Tournament 2 that was in Phillippines --Â The Philippines
Then yesterday, I saw video footage on Gamespot for Sniper 2 and it was set in Phillippines -- Consider revising to something like: Then yesterday, I saw video footage on GameSpot for Sniper 2, which was also set in the Philippines.
Then I remembered the movie Act of Valor.... The use of an ellipse here discredits your writing. You are making a statement and ending the paragraph like this reads more like teenage fiction than a solid editorial.Â
Encountered is misspelled. (Not encoutered)
Onetime is one word.
Or are they just going to keep targeting Muslims from every country? --Â There's nothing wrong with this sentence aside from the statement being untrue. I have never played a game that targeted Muslims specifically. If you're going to say something like this you have to back it up with HARD evidence. Â When were Muslims mentioned. Who did it? What game?
Video Game settings and characters from its real life counter parts --Â Should read, from their real life counterparts.
Am I just blowing this out of proportions? --Â Would be stronger as Or am I just blowing this out of proportion.
I think that there won't be real harmful side effects. --Â Why? Every statement should be argued in an editorial.
video games isn't an accurate representation. --Â Should read, videogames aren't an accurate representation.
but One cannot regenerate health --Â Unless you're talking about a specific person's name or the name of a deity, one should not be capitalized.
This has an excellent foundation for an amazing editorial, but right now you're lacking any true depth. You've stated your opinion, but you don't argue its merits or defend it with logic or statistics, and your argument is falling flat as a result.
I'd say fill in the details, work on some of your minor mistakes, and you'll have a very strong and conversational piece.
Other than that, keep up the good work!Â
-Saigo-Â
Oh, and let me know if you have any questions or if I can help in any other way. Good luck! Â
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