The Official Off-Topic Thread : Version 1

[QUOTE="Chicago_Nut"][QUOTE="xDeniedxFatex"] [QUOTE="oreoshane"]I own you all with my 1337 Dim Witted-ness! xDeniedxFatex

*hides anger*

*Russian hbk91 comes through*

Russian hbk91: Hallo.

hbk91: Look, not here okay?

Russian hbk91: Are ze scarede of me...

hbk91: No...

Russian hbk91: I deserve ze awarde for ze vost dim-vitted user.

hbk91: You are not even real.

Russian hbk91: Poke ve.

hbk91: What?

Russian hbk91: Ach nein, habe ich die Seife auf dem Boden lassen fallen...

hbk91: :?

Russian hbk91: *cough* Zis is ze parte where you poke me... *cough*

hbk91: :twisted:

*Someone dressed in black steps into the scene but who...?*

Well there will be runner up awards too so just hope for the best folks.hbk91

BTW, I like how sephy37 said I was dim-witted :lol:

What is happening with quotes? :?hbk91

Oh. I think it looks a lot more clearer.

It's chucking outside right now. I wish it would just snow though! :cry:

Oh. I think it looks a lot more clearer.

It's chucking outside right now. I wish it would just snow though! :cry:

hbk91

I'm not into this English slang. What the hell does chucking mean?

Raining. :lol:hbk91

Oh..............well that makes sense.

Funny crap

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE, CONDENSED
By Molly Winter (a.k.a. Molly J. Ringle, LemonLye, MollyRingwraith, etc.)
August 7, 2005

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling, who wrote Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, gave me no permission to write this, and probably has no idea that I did so. I greatly enjoyed her book and hope she doesn't mind this dorky tribute.

Yes, you can link to it. Yes, you can friend me. Yes, you can repost it elsewhere, as long as you keep my name on it--but for the love of mercy, put it under an LJ-cut. No, you can't change or add a few lines and put your own name on it as an author. No, you can't pretend you wrote the whole thing. You will be caught. My loyal minions will find you and make you wish you had never discovered the web.

CHAPTER ONE

MUGGLE PRIME MINISTER'S OFFICE

CORNELIUS FUDGE leaps out of the fireplace.
FUDGE: Evening!
PRIME MINISTER: Oh, good God, no.
FUDGE: You remember me, right? Magic, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Harry Potter, Hogwarts, Triwizard Tournament, Sirius Black, don't know why I'm still talking since the readers know all this, bringing us to the recent murders and mayhem, which are really Voldemort's fault.
PRIME MINISTER: Right. So...you'll take care of that?
FUDGE: Can't, sorry! Been sacked. I sell sticky buns at Victoria Station now. Talk to this bloke instead.
FUDGE leaves. RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR leaps out of the fireplace.
SCRIMGEOUR: Hallo. Like he said, we've got it all under control. Only, we don't, really. Toodleloo!
SCRIMGEOUR vanishes. PRIME MINISTER collapses into his chair.
PRIME MINISTER: They said to me in the '60s, "Tony, you oughtn't drop acid if you want a future in politics," but did I listen? Oh, no...

Also, "sight" is misspelled "site" on page 10, causing glee among NITPICKERS everywhere.

CHAPTER TWO

SOME GRIMY NEIGHBORHOOD IN ENGLAND

BELLATRIX laser-zaps a fox, just to be evil, then continues chasing NARCISSA MALFOY down the street, the two of them keeping up a steady stream of "Should so!", "Should not!", "Should so!", "Should not!", while READERS wonder what the hell they are thinking of doing or not doing. They knock on a door. SNAPE opens it.
BELLATRIX: Trick or treat!
SNAPE: I hate you both. Come in.
NARCISSA: I have a favor to ask.
BELLATRIX: But since we're here, Snape, tell us how come you've managed not to kill Harry Potter, or find out anything useful about Dumbledore, or really do anything evil except sneer at everybody for the last five years. Are you truly Dark, or are you just an outgrown Goth kid?
SNAPE: Me and the Dark Lord, we're like *this*. (doing the two-fingers-close-together thing) That's all you need to know. So, your favor, Narcissa?
NARCISSA: My poor, sweet, innocent son Draco needs help completing The Plan. Do you know about The Plan?
SNAPE: Of course I know about The Plan.
READERS: You could fill us in on The Plan.
NARCISSA: Promise me you'll help.
SNAPE: Okay.
BELLATRIX: I dare you to make the Unbreakable Vow over it.
SNAPE: Fine.
BELLATRIX sets an Unbreakable Vow around their wrists while SNAPE vows to carry out The Plan if DRACO fails.
READERS: Hm. Well, I'm sure he'll find a way to wriggle out of that.

CHAPTER THREE

DURSLEYS' HOUSE

DUMBLEDORE knocks on the front door.
UNCLE VERNON: What the--
DUMBLEDORE: Hello. Ready to go, Harry? By the way, you inherited Sirius's house and all his things, including Kreacher. Give it a whirl.
HARRY: I summon Kreacher.
KREACHER appears, freaks out the DURSLEYS, and throws a hissy fit. HARRY dismisses him.
DUMBLEDORE: Excellent. Oh, by the way, Dursleys, you have to let Harry come back here at least one more time for complicated enchantment reasons, or else he might get murdered, and then I'll be just the teensiest bit angry. Understood?
The DURSLEYS splutter.
DUMBLEDORE: Capital. Let's go, Harry.

CHAPTER FOUR

VILLAGE OF BUDLEIGH BABBERTON

DUMBLEDORE: I prefer raspberry jam.
HARRY: Is that going to be relevant later?
DUMBLEDORE: Not really. Also, Inferi are dead bodies brought back to life by dark magic.
HARRY: Okay. And will that be relevant later?
DUMBLEDORE: It might be.
They knock on SLUGHORN's door.
SLUGHORN: Dumbledore, you skinny-assed piece of--oh, hello! You bring celebrity! Do come in.
DUMBLEDORE: Please come back and teach at Hogwarts, Slughorn.
SLUGHORN: No way.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, fine. I'll leave you two to talk for a minute.
SLUGHORN: Well, my boy, I tell you, it's fascinating: not only did I know Sirius Black, your parents, and everyone else from that generation, but I'm also a Slytherin who isn't completely loathsome.
HARRY: I admit, that is remarkable.
DUMBLEDORE: Time to leave. Too bad you won't work for me, Slughorn.
SLUGHORN: I can't stand it when you beg! I cave. I'll come back.
DUMBLEDORE: Cheers, old friend. Come, Harry: time to take you to Ron's house. By the way, it's totally okay if you tell Ron and Hermione about the prophecy and everything.
HARRY: It is?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes. You'd be lost without their help. We all know that.
HARRY: Uh...
DUMBLEDORE: Oops, did I say that out loud?

CHAPTER FIVE

THE BURROW

MRS. WEASLEY: Harry! Eat, for the love of God, eat!
HARRY eats. There is a knock at the door.
MRS. WEASLEY: Come in, Arthur.
MR. WEASLEY: (through the door) No, you have to ask the security question.
MRS. WEASLEY: Well, all right... What is your dearest ambition?
MR. WEASLEY: To find out why sticking a fork in a toaster is a bad idea. My turn: what do I call you in bed?
HARRY chokes, and quickly stuffs bread in his ears.
MRS. WEASLEY: Mollywollykins? Hotmuffin? Jezebel? Dear, I'm sorry, I forget which one was the password...
HARRY: Right, I'm going upstairs.
NEXT MORNING. RON and HERMIONE have climbed onto HARRY's bed to wake him up.
HARRY: Gosh. Hello...
HERMIONE: Morning. Just making sure you're all right. Hey, Ginny, join in!
GINNY crawls onto the bed too. Before HARRY gets a chance to appreciate this, FLEUR glides into the room. She knocks the other three off the bed and plants a kiss on HARRY.
FLEUR: *mwah!* Oh Arry, eet eez so long seence I 'ave caressed your ears wiz my outrageous French ac-cent! And I would get eento bed wiz you right now, as your friends all do, but I am marrying Bill! Eezn't it wonderfool?
MRS. WEASLEY: Over my dead body, you are! Er...I mean...yes, she is, isn't that nice?
MRS. WEASLEY, FLEUR, and GINNY leave.
HARRY: Wow, I need a smoke after that.
RON: Me too.
HERMIONE: Ahem!
HARRY: Sorry--um, as I was saying...Dumbledore's giving me private lessons this year.
HERMIONE: How nice.
HARRY: And there's this prophecy saying either Voldemort has to kill me or vice-versa.
HERMIONE: Yeah, kinda figured.
HARRY: Oh, and I think we're getting our O.W.L. results today.
HERMIONE: OH MY GOD WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME??
HERMIONE runs flailing out of the room.

CHAPTER SIX

HARRY: Neat, I'm the Quidditch captain.
HERMIONE: (and I quote) That gives you equal status with prefects! You can use our special bathroom now and everything!
STEAMY FANFIC WRITERS OF MANY VARIETIES: (taking notes) How handy.

I didn't type this if you don't like this I'll get rid of it

9 days left till the school holidays.

Damn it sucks.

9 days left till the school holidays.

Damn it sucks.

hbk91

DIAGON ALLEY

DRACO is fussing with fabrics in the dress shop.
DRACO: Mummy, I don't WANT these robes; they're not posh enough!
RON, HERMIONE, and HARRY come strutting down the aisle, wands out, snapping their fingers in unison.
DRACO and NARCISSA: Sharks!
RON, HERMIONE, and HARRY: Jets!
DRACO and NARCISSA snarl, do a couple of pirouettes, and leap out of the shop. The GRYFFINDORS turn up their collars and do a few smooth spins, then skip off to FRED and GEORGE's Game Shop/Casino/Strip Club.
FRED: Whatever you do, don't mess with our love potions. They work dangerously well.
SHIPPERS OF EVEN MORE VARIETIES: (scribbling notes) Sweet!
DRACO walks by. RON, HERMIONE, and HARRY start stalking him. He goes into Borgin's Dark Side R Us.
DRACO: (to BORGIN) I'm here about the Thing. You know, like the other Thing we talked about. And you better fix the Thing, you hear? Or a really dark Thing is going to happen to you! By which I mean a different Thing, other than the two Things I came here about! Which are bigger than a breadbox and too shocking for me to carry down the street!
HARRY: Oh, I get it--Charades. I want to play! Hey, Draco, how many syllables?

CHAPTER SEVEN

KING'S CROSS STATION

HARRY: I think Draco Malfoy's a Death Eater.
HERMIONE and RON: Pfft. Whatever.
HARRY: Mr. Weasley? I think Draco Malfoy's a Death Eater.
MR. WEASLEY: Nah, I doubt it. Don't miss the train!
The kids get on the Hogwarts Express. HARRY ends up sitting with NEVILLE and LUNA.
HARRY: Hi Luna. Still crazy?
LUNA: Yep.
HARRY: Neville? Still nebbishy?
NEVILLE: Yep.
HARRY: Good good.
HARRY gets handed a note from SLUGHORN.
HARRY: Tea party in Slughorn's compartment. Huh.
He goes to the tea party.
SLUGHORN: This is pretty much a tea party for those students likeliest to be rich and famous in the future. Why? Because I excel at sucking up.
HARRY: (yawn) I'd rather stalk Draco again.
He does so, under the Invisibility Cloak, and slips into DRACO's Compartment o' Fawning Slytherins.
SLYTHERINS: Whatcha gonna do this year, Draco?
DRACO: Whatever I *feel* like doing. God. ...And it might involve serving the Dark Lord, just a teensy bit.
SLYTHERINS: Ooooh! Cool!
Train arrives at Hogwarts. SLYTHERINS exit. DRACO whips around and freezes HARRY, who falls off the luggage rack and loses his cloak. DRACO steps on HARRY's face, hard.
DRACO: Loser.
DRACO leaves HARRY on the floor to choke on his own blood.
HARRY/DRACO SHIPPERS: OMG they're so in love!!!!

CHAPTER EIGHT

HOGWARTS

HARRY: ...ow...
DEPRESSED!TONKS: Wotcher, Harry.
DEPRESSED!TONKS gets HARRY off the train and fixes his nose.
HARRY: Thanks.
DEPRESSED!TONKS: (heavy sigh) Yeah, no problem. Well, bye.
SNAPE lets HARRY into the castle.
SNAPE: White shoes after Labor Day, Potter? Fifty points from Gryffindor.
HARRY stomps over to the Gryffindor table.
HERMIONE: Harry, you've missed so much! There was dinner and the Sorting Hat and Dumbledore's hand is all burnt and--
HARRY: Shut up and give me chocolate.
DUMBLEDORE: Everyone, this is Professor Slughorn, the new Potions master! And Defense Against the Dark Arts this year will be taught by Professor Snape.
GRYFFINDORS: Holy good goddamn.
READERS grin and start exchanging wager money.
DUMBLEDORE: Also, remember Voldemort is back, so there's danger. Danger danger danger. Don't go outside if possible. In fact, stay in bed all the time if you can.
SHIPPERS grin even wider.

CHAPTER NINE

The GRYFFINDORS get their class schedules from MCGONAGALL. LAVENDER giggles in RON's direction. SNAPE demonstrates a spell against HARRY in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and HARRY knocks SNAPE on his ass, earning himself detention. In Potions, HARRY notices he really likes some flowery smell he associates with the WEASLEYS' house. (One of the WEASLEYS, like FANFIC!FRODO, must use lavender bath oil.)
SLUGHORN: Everyone get out your Potions book.
HARRY: I don't have one.
SLUGHORN: Here, take this one from the cupboard.
HARRY: Sweet. It has the answers written in the margins.
HERMIONE: No fair! I looked all over eBay and couldn't find a teacher's edition!
HARRY: It isn't a teacher's edition. Says, "Property of the Half-Blood Prince." Hmm.
SOME READERS: OMG it's Voldemort!!!
ALL OTHER READERS: OMG that would be too obvious, you halfwits!!!
SLUGHORN: Also, this gold potion is Felix Felicis, which is Lucky Drink. And Harry wins it for making the best potion in the room!
HERMIONE: (to HARRY) I hate you. Cheat cheat cheat.
GINNY wanders up. HARRY's nose twitches at the bewitching flowery smell.
HARRY: Hi, cutie. Did I tell you I won some Get Lucky potion? Er, I mean "Lucky." Just "Lucky." I'm a perfect gentleman. Really.

CHAPTER TEN

DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, it's time you learned why Voldemort tried to kill you when you were a baby.
HARRY: Because he thought I would grow up to kill him. Because of the prophecy. Right?
DUMBLEDORE: Well...yes...that's pretty much it. But this is interesting, so stick your head in the Pensieve with me.

WOODS NEAR LITTLE HANGLETON

Some old-tyme Ministry of Magic bloke named OGDEN is trudging up to a shack in the woods. There is a dead snake nailed to the door, which we must admit is pretty gross. MORFIN slouches out.
MORFIN: You sure do got a purdy mouth.
OGDEN: Yes, er, see here: you're under arrest. Ow! No using wands! Look, you--
GAUNT slouches out too.
GAUNT: That thar's Morfin, my son.
A girl wearing rags peeps out.
GAUNT: And this here's Merope, my daughter.
MORFIN: She loooovvves a Muggle. She loooovvves Tom Riddle.
OGDEN: Yes, that's all very well, but you're under arrest, see, for torturing a Muggle.
GAUNT: Well, were it the Muggle my filthy daughter's lusting after?
OGDEN: Yup Dad, it sure were.
GAUNT: Then we ain't got no problem, do we? 'Cept as I may have to strangle my daughter.
OGDEN runs off as the family settles their disputes.

BACK IN DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE

HARRY: Okay, so, long story short: filthy backwoods witch Merope used a love potion on Tom Riddle senior, and ended up getting pregnant and having Voldemort, a.k.a. Tom Riddle junior?
DUMBLEDORE: Righto.
HARRY: And...am I supposed to feel sorry for Voldemort now or something?
DUMBLEDORE: Nope, just thought it was interesting.
HARRY: By the way, this ring over here...wasn't Gaunt wearing it in that memory?
DUMBLEDORE: Sure was.
HARRY: So how come you have it?
DUMBLEDORE: Can't stick around chatting; bye now.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

QUIDDITCH PITCH

HARRY: As 813 people have shown up to try out for Gryffindor's Quidditch team this year, let's get started. By the way, you have to actually *be* in Gryffindor.
A few hundred APPLICANTS grumble and sit down.
HARRY: Let's see, need a few pretty girls on the team, so we'll take Katie, Demelza, and naturally you, Ginny sweets. Okay, suppose some boys would be good too. Jimmy, Ritchie, and...
CORMAC MCLAGGEN: Me! Me! I'm so bloody awesome you can't stand it!
HARRY: You're right; I can't stand it. Ron, you're Keeper.
RON: Yay!
HARRY: (pulling HERMIONE aside) Um, you totally jinxed McLaggen so he would suck, didn't you.
HERMIONE: Oh, fine, I did, but Ron needed it! Don't tell him. He's insecure enough, what with me giving Victor Krum a helping hand the other year.
HARRY: With--WHAT??
HERMIONE: I helped Victor with his English. Remember? What did you think I meant?

Well I just bought DOA 3 for myself and Animal Crossing Wild World for my sisters Christmas gift. keiblerfan69

cool man.  I already got my sister her present.

I just resigned from my union. It had just been dead for too long. I had had enough of it. I was thinking about making another one, like the WWE Alternative Union (ROH, TNA, CZW etc..) but I don't want Zach to think I stole the name from him. So I need to think of a different name. If I make one would anyone want to be an officer??shoot_em_up123

[QUOTE="shoot_em_up123"]I just resigned from my union. It had just been dead for too long. I had had enough of it. I was thinking about making another one, like the WWE Alternative Union (ROH, TNA, CZW etc..) but I don't want Zach to think I stole the name from him. So I need to think of a different name. If I make one would anyone want to be an officer??keiblerfan69

I would like to, but I don't think there would be enough users if it was just ROH.  Thats why I wanted to make it ROH, TNA, and CZW.

Don't do TNA. We already have a TNA union. IMO all we need is a ROH union. keiblerfan69

ok then.  I will make a ROH union.

[QUOTE="keiblerfan69"]Don't do TNA. We already have a TNA union. IMO all we need is a ROH union. shoot_em_up123

ok then. I will make a ROH union.

[QUOTE="shoot_em_up123"]

[QUOTE="keiblerfan69"]Don't do TNA. We already have a TNA union. IMO all we need is a ROH union. keiblerfan69

ok then. I will make a ROH union.

not at all.

Also dude make sure you get The_Dude14, JML and Sephy. They know the most about ROH around here. keiblerfan69

I did.  I just finished.  The PM should be coming soon.

Bye the way thanks Canuck. What do you think about my signature Shoot?

Pack_Man

I agree with Canuck.  I love the BG.  It looks really good man.

[QUOTE="keiblerfan69"]Also dude make sure you get The_Dude14, JML and Sephy. They know the most about ROH around here. shoot_em_up123

I did.  I just finished.  The PM should be coming soon.

Dude thats sweet. Good luck on it.

[QUOTE="shoot_em_up123"]

[QUOTE="keiblerfan69"]Also dude make sure you get The_Dude14, JML and Sephy. They know the most about ROH around here. Chicago_Nut

I did.  I just finished.  The PM should be coming soon.

Dude thats sweet. Good luck on it.

If I get it up and running I will definitly send you a invite. :wink:

How do you let a girl know you don't like her that way?

I am about to make my own sprite comic union if anyone has any ideas holler at me

How do you let a girl know you don't like her that way?

I am about to make my own sprite comic union if anyone has any ideas holler at me

Kotenks

Tell her straight up.

I'm back.  I've got some good news and some bad news.

Bad news: I couldn't make a 100% on my Biology test. :(

Good news: I made a 96% on it. :P

Well, I'm gonna finish up my Multimedia Final project now.  I'll be back on nyah later on.