It's the best honestly, I don't even know why I don't drink this more. Anyway **** you. **** you and your **** life, you ****ing **** Seriously though, I don't give a **** I really don't. I could care less. I really could. I'm honestly not giving a single **** at this moment, I'm done school (getting my diploma), done everything, dude its done for me, I could give less of a flying shiit, im so done. Btw, the reason 6 is afraid of 7 is because 7 ate 9, but also because 9 looks like 6, and that adds a whole new dimension to the joke, **** you, you didn't think of that did you?

So I'm single again and I'm all excited to talk to new girls, today I just went up to one that pretty hot, and I was nervous as hell, my chest was drumming like crazy and it made it difficult to talk. It wouldn't be so bad if I had already talked that day. If I start the day off talking it makes it all so much easier when you approach a girl, but when you hanve't talked at all, and you're hearing your voice for the first time that day, its hard as hell, but she turned out to be nice and she's alright depending on the angle you're looking at her from. It always surprises me how easy it is to talk to women when you just approach them, its the approach thats the hard part, and I probably came off as kind of a dork, talking all quietly and **** but she seemed nice, and thats how you learn right. Hell, I'm probably a lot improved from it, next girl will be easier, and that's how it is, you just have to go with it and notice your mistakes and thats how you improve. The worst thing you can do is not talk at all, cuz then you'll never know and you'll never even see your mistakes, they'll just hide in you, but at least if you notice them then they're out of the way, like me, I have to talk damn louder and stop making ridiculous faces when I talk to girls, seriously. But other than that it went alright, I don't even care if I date her or not, I'm just glad I talked to her, it felt like some kind of discovery and its helping me improve as a person. I'm on it now, I really am, I'm talking to every girl I can from now on, just because I'm almost done university and chances like this won't come up again the same way, at least that's how I feel looking back at high school, I had some great chances back then but I was so damn quiet, I really could've done more, but there's no use looking at the past, you just gotta keep looking at the future and not take things too seriously. Either way I'm okay with being single so its not such a huge deal to me, I've discovered what a pain in the ass having a girlfriend can be. I've gotten into writing screenplays, and I don't want to be pretentious about it but its a lot of fun when you look at it from a logical point of view, what you're essentially doing is trying to solve a rubiks cube with characters and events that all fits together nicely, and its not a bad idea to take a crack at it once a day, just for like an hour or so, the point is, you can't be too inspired, you just have to look at it as a puzzle, and then it becomes more fun, and not take it too seriously, the cool part is having a done script, not a perfect script, you can tell me people its just a story or whatever, it doesn't have to be shakespeare **** and its usually better when its not, because who honestly wants to read a perfect story? wouldnt you much rather read a fun story than a "perfect" story? That's a rhetorical question, because perfectionism sucks, and no one wants to see that ****.

Well I just pitched my idea to the radio and television department at Ryerson University, and it didn't make it. I'm sad, sure, but at the same time I'm kind of relieved. It would have been a lot of responsibility and hard work to go through what I had in mind, even though it would have been really cool in the end, and I was really excited, I really was. Right now I feel crushed, I really set my heart on this, and i was practicing that speech everyday for 2 weeks. But I have to learn not to take this personally. This doesn't mean it was a bad idea, or that I'm a bad public speaker, it was just one pitch. I know it was at least an okay idea, since a couple of people said they liked it, and one guy even said he would join my group if it made it through the judges. But I have to realize there are others who are in my position, mourning the crushed dreams that they nurtured for so long. Right now I'm nervous, all the groups that made it through the judges are incredibly ambitious, and I really want to be useful to them. As long as I work hard in whatever position I get, it'll be okay. And I can't be embarrased by my flopped pitch, no one's going to remember it anyways. Hell, one of the judges was a professor I had before, and the entire class laughed at him when he accidentally showed pr0n from his personal computer on a powerpoint presentation, but no one remembers it now, and he's every bit as confident since that day anyway. I guess I just need to relax. I'm just going to relax and try not to beat myself up about it. I really don't deserve self-loathing right now, anyone would say that. I should be proud that I had the courage to go up there and make a godamn speech, and take a risk. You don't get anywhere without risks. It's going to be okay, I'm going to be part of something bigger than myself, and I'll do a good job and pass everything and graduate, maybe then I'll be able to see my girlfriend again.

The thing about comparing yourself to others is that it's never accurate. What you see of people is only one side of them, and they have their glaring flaws and shortcomings, but you never see it. Let's say you feel inferior at some point, like after you've made some mistake. What are you basing your inferiority on? Well you can't feel inferior unless you're standing yourself up against a person or agroup of people and comparing the differences. But all those people are just exactly as flawed as you are, even if you don't see it. So it's like measuring a crooked line with a crooked ruler. You're never going to get accurate results. That's why I like the idea of God - a perfect, flawless entity. That way, you're measuring a crooked line (yourself) against a perfect, straight ruler, and then you can see where you're off. All other guidelines (rulers)set by people, real or imagined, are never going to be straight.

My first reaction to any problem or challenge should be calmness. I heard a quote once that there is no greater advantage than being cool and collected at a time of difficulty. It should be like an impulse. Problem? Get calm. First thing. And THEN decide what youre gonna do. If you just get calm first, you have a much clearer view of your next step.

Now, if I go with the mindset that I'm already at the peak of the mountain and life is great, I have to remember that this mindset is very easily shattered. For instance, I might be feeling great and then BAM, some problem arises and I'm all dread and unhappy. It's like walking on a sheet of ice, I've got to take diligent steps or I'm a goner. I have to remember that I'm at the peak of life, or I'll be unthankful and striding for fantasy goals while being unhappy all over again.

I've realized that, in looking at all the ridicuously impossiblegoals I've put infront of me to redeem the past (I had never really grown out of the becoming an astronaut phase), I've neglected all the progress I made this far and how, and this is the kind of life I dreamed of as a 15 year old. I'm decent looking, got a hot girlfriend, my own place, decent money and virtually no insecurities or paranoia (at least not to the degree I used to). This life is great. So I thought, why not live like I've already reached the peak of the mountain? In reality, I really have. I'm sure things will get better for me, but it's already really great. Im already up there.

I've also realized that having those impossibly high-bar goals also messed up my priorities in life. This is what my priorities used to like:

My Selfish Goals

God

Videogames/Entertainment

Other people

And this is what my priorities look like now:

God

Other People

Videogames/Entertainment

My selfish goals aren't on there anymore, they're not in my life anymore. The goals I have now are only practical, like finish school and getting a decent job.

I got a fair bit of rejection in school, being kind of a dork and weird looking, so I guess that's why I wanted to be some monstrously successful person when I got older, so that I could actually live "life to the full" as they say. Well, the thing about the present is that, unless you change it, the future will be exactly the same. So if you spend all your free time in high school infront of the computer playing diablo 2, saying to yourself how you're going to become all hardworking and dedicated when you enter your field of interest... well, you'll just end up playing diablo 3 on the computer when those glorious days come, and not make anything out of yourself. These people who are all successful, you think they just lounged around the house as kids? Hell no, they were doing something always (even if it was inside the house, like building a computer).

So if I'm not going to be some bigshot, and my past is already kind of stupid, then... now what? Well, I guess I have to settle for a stupid, average joe life. It makes me depressed, but when you really look at it, successful people are stressed out, and theyre not really that happy, and rich/famous people, they can't even differentiate between their real friends and people just want their money or part of their notoreity. So maybe being an average joe is the best thing. It still makes me feel like there's some unused reservoir of potential and genius sitting inside of me, the kind of thing that could change the frickin world but that I just haven't found, but I guess it's much more humble not to think of that.

What's better, to be alone or to hang out with people you hate? The obvious answer might be to just be alone. But I've been alone for a very long time, and I hate mostly everyone, except for my girlfriend and the odd person here and there. My girlfriend told me that she's a loner and she only makes friends with people who also have no friends. I guess that would explain why she's my girlfriend. She's very extroverted and all, but she has an excuse, she's been home-schooled most of her life. What's my excuse? That I moved from town to town so much that I couldn't hang on to friendships? That could be it, but I'm still no good at making new friends. They're hard to come by, I guess. I'm not a jerk, anyway, I'm always trying to be super polite and everything and that gets me trampled sometimes, and that might be the problem, I'm kind of too polite if you know what I mean. In middle school and high school I hung out with some complete jerks so I wouldn't be alone, and I regret that, I guess. Being alone still sucks, but not as much as pretending jerks are your friends. I have these fond memories of being a little kid having these massive birthday parties with some 20 kids and we're all hyped up on sugar and running around and plaing arcade games, and being so damn happy. Where did those kids go? Those kids that I got along with so well? Did they all become the teens and young adults who act like gangstas, and are up to their armpits in sex, drugs and alcohol? Always swearing and being filthy as hell? I hate that sort of stuff.

I don't know what I was thinking. I went to Toastmasters, a club for public speaking, because I wanted to do something different. What I found were a bunch of important people who looked down at me, including the treasurer, who came off as patronizing when I talked to him. I said a few words in front, mainly just introducing myself, but the overall reaction I got was cold. Simple pleasures, that was the topic. I really don't want to go back, but I filled up a form for a 4 month period, and it's only after I left that I realized I didn't want to be there ever again. At least I didn't pay the huge fee, so I'm going to just not go back. They might see me as a jerk, especially since there was a plate of food for me that I didn't have to pay for, but I don't care, it was a bad idea. I don't belong there, I'm still a teenager in my mind, and even though I enjoy public speaking, I just don't know what to talk about.

Maybe I'll go to a different Toastmasters club, just to see if the people are any different. In any case, I feel bad that I signed a contract but I'm not going back. I don't know what I was thinking, signing that contract. I just wanted to make them happy, I guess, some of the people there were nice to me. But I just don't feel like I belong there. I'll just man up, call them, and tell them I'm not going back. The thing is, and this doesn't help at all, but I get nervous meeting new people and I say really dumb things, and then I feel bad. For example, when the treasurer asked me if I'll be paying with cash or a cheque, I didn't have either, I only had a debit card. So I said, "Do you have debit?" Sure, that was a dumb question, I admit. They're a volunteer organization, not a business, of course they don't have a debit machine to pay for a contract. So the treasuerer gave me a facepalm and said, very patronizingly, that he didn't. That was rude of him, he could have just pointed me to an ATM, if they had one, or just given me a simple "no", but he acted like he was all frustrated and embarrased by the question. Give me a break, even if someone did ask me a dumb question, I wouldn't be rude to them, they're trying to give you money for christ sake. And this other lady. I told her I was taking Radio and Television as a major, and she gave me this surprised look and told me that I needed a lot more practice talking and being confident. That really put me off, and she said it right after I gave the contract. Sure, I might stutter a little and say some awkward things, but emphasizing how much help I need is just plain rude. That's what the leaders were like, they were rude.