Has it really been a month since I posted anything? Man, I hate the real world. I've been working like a dog (even though dogs don't really work), sweating like a pig (even though pigs don't sweat), and...um...I'm out of cliches. Anyway, I did get a chance to finish a game or two, and I've got one review ready.

Okami is the best game I've played in ages. Yes, I gave it a ten. I understand that 10s are usually reserved for use by fanboys and indiscriminate-types, but I honestly believe this game deserves it. I haven't been this impressed with a game in ages. Read the review, and tell me if you agree.

I should have another review up next week as well! Woohoo!

So I'm just about to post my review of God Hand, and I don't think I'm going to make the curve for a game a week for a while. I started up Okami, and it's taking longer than anticipated. Furthermore, it looks like the remainder of my stock of games are of the 40+ hour variety. This means I will most likely not be finishing even a single game a week, given my current work and training schedule. Sigh.

Oh, and also the air conditioner in my living room is busted, so trying to play games is like sitting in a sauna. Not in the pleasant way that saunas are supposed to be. Like the horrible ye-gods-why-hast-thou-forsaken-me heat. Ugh.

I just posted my review of Valkyire Profile: Lenneth for PSP, and I am now once again lacking a game that I've finished to review. I am almost finished with God Hand, however, and with a little luck I may be able to have a review of that one ready for next Monday. However, there has been a fair bit of interesting news flying around recently, so maybe I'll get struck by inspiration for an editorial. We'll see, I suppose.

I finally cracked open one of the many PS3 games I picked up a couple months back, and now you can read about it. Check out my review of Enchanted Arms. I had fun with it, but it wasn't really outstanding.

So I spent a lot of time putting that last editorial about JRPGs together, and I thought maybe it would pass muster for the soapbox. Alas, it was not meant to be. I thought it was pretty good. Maybe it wasn't the most enlightenening piece, but I was happy with it. I'm actually pretty disappointed. Oh well. Back to the drawing board, I guess.

While I'm on the subject, I want to complain a little about myself. It seems my muse has abandoned me, insofar as it seems that I haven't had the inspiration to write any really perceptive editorials in ages. I'm genuinely curious as to what inspires some of the other users who get put up in lights. Maybe there's something I'm missing. Maybe not. I don't know. I'm pretty confident with my reviews, but otherwise...well...

(...or How to Make a JRPG in Eight Easy Steps)

Like most gamers my age, I've been raised on, and am very fond of, Japanese RPGs. Harkening back all the way to the original Dragon Warrior and Final Fantasy, the combination of deep character development, engaging storyline, and compelling gameplay have made this style of game one of the greatest joys to explore and play.

As time has passed and games in general have gotten more and more complex, it's hard not to notice that certain...trends...have arisen within the genre. It seems that no matter what JRPG you play these days, you're bound to notice that there are more than a few elements which recur in each one. Most will simply cause you to groan and/or roll your eyes, but we've all faced a couple which result in a great deal of aggravation.

Here then, in no particular order, are eight examples of what you're likely to find in just about any JRPG you play, be it past or present. Please note that this list is simply what has popped out in my mind, and is hardly comprehensive. Sadly, there are plenty more that make us all cringe or smirk at cynically which I haven't touched.

1) An androgynous hero

Just what is it with Japanese people and androgyny? The countrymen of samurai and ninja now idolize guys like this?! Anyway, the standard hero will have very feminine facial structure, a physique resembling Kate Moss, and a complete lack of facial/body hair. The latter-most point is best highlighted by an open shirt revealing a bird chest.

1a) Hero is either totally silent, or if vocal, whiny or brooding

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't really want to follow a guy who never utters a single word into a life-or-death struggle across the globe and into certain death. And yet so many of these quests are led by just such a person. Alternately, our speaking hero is a whiner prone to lamenting his struggle, or a solemn brooding type. For bonus points, our hero is a partial amnesiac who can't seem to remember anything about himself...except his outrageous fighting skills.

2) Gruff, battle-hardened supporting hero

To balance out the general girliness of our hero, we introduce this guy, whose obvious masculinity makes him unsuitable for the lead role. He's the kind of person who most of us would want to follow into the aforementioned struggle. He's always got something wise to say, on or off the battlefield, and his deep, gravelly voice commands respect. Again, bonus points awarded here for having a facial scar which adds to his demeanor rather than disfiguring him in any way.

3) Over-cheerful supporting heroine

There's got to be someone around to counter-act all this whining, brooding, and gruffness, so the obvious answer is to have a supporting heroine with unshakeable positive energy. She will always be ready to provide encouragement and cheer. So much so that you'll probably want to punch her. Often. This is punctuated often enough by a screechy, grating voice that never fails to annoy.

4) Villains are always waiting in the wings

Allow me to illustrate:

Hero(es): "Wow, that sure was a tough fight, but we can finally claim the artifact that will stop Bad Guy from destroying the world!"

Villain (from off camera): "Not so fast! Now that you've gotten rid of that pesky guardian, I'll take the prize and teleport away!"

Hero(es): "Again?! Aw, man. That's like the fourth time..." (note: characters almost never say this, but you will)

4a) Villains will reach the final phase of their plan just as the heroes reach their lair

After watching Bad Guy snatch away the holy stone/magical amulet/apron of the Apocalypse that you fought so hard for for the umpteenth time, s/he will be just about ready to employ his/her dastardly plan when the party comes a-knockin'. Thus, they will have to fight Bad Guy's super-form/weapon to save the day. Bonus points go out for having a lair in an unlikely place (ie: volcano, deep space, alternate dimension).

5) Villains always have to laugh

Whether it's a "Gwahahaha!," a "Hehehe!," or a "Hoohoohoo!," every villain must employ a laugh whenever given the opportunity. Points 4 and 4a are prime examples of such opportunities. It is important to note that while a villainous laugh may precede or interrupt a dialogue, it is used most often to finish a diatribe of some sort.

5a) Villain reiterates his master plan or ultimate goal

Perhaps taking a hint from James Bond villains, JRPG villains also have a duty to repeat their goals at any given time. It must always be made clear that they are not messing with the heroes simply for fun, and since heroes are obviously prone to forgetfulness (see 1a) they must be reminded, preferably just before or just after snatching away another artifact from under their noses. These constant reminders are excellent times to engage in villainous laughter as well.

6) Villain is father, brother, or other close relative of hero

Any villain worth his salt is without question related closely to the main hero. Since most heroes and villains are male, it's usually a father or brother, but there is room for a mother or sister. Alternately, the hero can also be a creation of the villain, as in an android or genetic weapon. Darth Vader must be rolling in his grave right now. It seems that he started a trend.

7) Villain's invincibility only stops working in end-game

One great mechanic to really get under the heroes' skin is to force them into fights with Bad Guy over and over again throughout their quest. This is handled in two ways. One is that Bad Guy is so grossly overpowered that the party has no chance whatsoever, and is mopped up in a few short rounds of combat. The other is that the party defeats Bad Guy, only to have him snatch the prize and escape anyway (usually in a cut-scene). Regardless of the path taken, once the villain's master plan is almost at fruition (and the heroes show up; see 4a) his previous power/escape talent will completely vanish. Please note that if Bad Guy isn't used to harry the party over the course of the game, Main Henchman is an acceptable replacement; the same rules mentioned here apply to him instead.

8 ) Script riddled with cliches and bad jokes

Now the meat and potatoes of any heroic quest is the dialogue that pushes the story onward, creates tension and empathy between the characters, and fills out the details of the world. It is therefore paramount that the script be chock-full of horrid jokes, puns, and cliched phrases. Sample favorites include: "(insert best friend's name) Nooooooooooo!," "You won't get away with it this time!," or "I'll do whatever it takes to stop you!"

8a) Voice acting must be over-done

With the rise of high-capacity storage media, it has become possible to go beyond text dialogue, and into full speech. In the spirit of William Shatner, patron saint of over-actors, all voice acting must be handled as emotionally and heavily as possible. This includes screaming as many lines as possible, with numerous breathy gasps of anguish. It is also acceptable to offer a totally wooden performance, a la Nic Cage.

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As I mentioned at the top, this is merely the tip of the iceberg, but happened to be the most egregious and proliferate of the bunch in my humble opinion. I should also note that about halfway through writing this, I stumbled upon this little gem. Seems like I'm not the only one to notice things like this.

At any rate, I don't want to make it seem as if I dislike the genre. Quite the opposite, in fact. But I do think that the time has certainly come to do away with several of these stale formulas. When we can pick up any title which plays like a traditional JRPG, but surprises us with its fresh take over most or all these points, it is a fine day, indeed.

Addendum: My girlfriend, who bless her heart has sat through numerous JRPGs with me, wanted to make sure I included two important observations on her part. One is that the music is the same thing over and over, and it sucks. This is in direct reference to the battle themes, which I can agree becomes extremely tired after about an hour of gameplay. The other is simply that RPGs are horribly boring to watch.

Well I was rather busy this week, but I still managed to slap together a quick and dirty review of Wii Play. It's one of only two remaining games that I feel I've played enough to justify writing a review, and the second not by much.

I'm going on a short vacation this week as well, so I won't be updating next Monday. However, in that time between, I intend to do a lot of reading and thinking, and hopefully I'll have an epiphany that will lead to a brilliant editorial. Moreover, as I've stated before, I haven't finished any games recently, nor do I think I will in the near future, so the reviews are going to slow down. On the upside, I intend to do more editorial writing. Of course, my job and outside-world stuff are conspiring against me, but I'm not giving up!

I would have been on time this week, had I not made an error saving my review. This error cost me about 80% of what I had written, and more importantly the time I put into it. So my review of Pirates! for PSP is not only late, but also lacking the revisions I would have made to it had I not stupidly lost my original work. C'est la vie.

I know I said I was going to try for a more concise style, but as you can see this time wasn't it. Of course in the same breath, I really want to provide thorough coverage. I don't know. We'll see what happens on the next one.

I'm still hoping that some of you out there are reading these!

I got tied up watching Heroes yesterday, and totally forgot to upload my latest review. Whoops. Oh well... At any rate, I've finally gotten around to one of the more recent games I have; Super Paper Mario. Loved it. Go read the review!

On a related note, I've decided to try to shake up my writing style a bit. For a while at least I'm going to try writing shorter reviews, like around the 400-word variety instead of my current average of 3 pages. We'll see how that goes.

Also, after reading several of the Soapbox weblogs, I've come to the realization that I need to save my efforts for when I have something more substantial to say. While I would like to update twice a week as I have been, I don't think too many of the editorials I've written thus far are up to par. So while the reviews will keep coming, the editorials will likely be more sparse. C'est la vie, I suppose.

You know, speaking of reviews, I think I might be hitting an unfortunate point. That is, I'm running out of games that I can play sufficiently to write a review with enough play time to be valid. At least, under my personal barometer of qualification. Nothing makes me more frustrated than seeing a reader review by someone who admits to not even having played the game for more than 10 hours. Why waste your, and everyone else's, time?

I read the news bit about SquareEnix CEO Yoichi Wada, and it got me thinking. Thoughts which may border of blasphemy... That is, is it possible that the ever-escalating hardware race is perhaps too much of a good thing? I'm talking mainly about consoles, but it definitely would apply to PC gaming as well. Think about it for a moment before you cut my head off.

How much have you paid for the latest console? On the cheapest end there's the Wii, with a comparatively reasonable tag of $250. This is a bit skewed, though, since it's really last-gen hardware floating around in there. Anyway, in the middle is the Xbox 360 which runs about $400. At the top you have the PS3 weighing in at a hefty $600. Last generation, we were all crying about the PS2 being $300, and how it was too expensive. This time around only the PS3 is raising a din amongst the masses. Are we so rich now that the once lofty tag of $300 is trivial? I'm not so sure about you, but I'm not really making much more money than I was a couple years ago.

As I addressed in an earlier post (April 6), console manufacturers are starting down the path of the PC in their numerous upgrades and whatnot. Not only am I still concerned about that issue, but also the future. Besides worrying about if/when I'm going to have to upgrade my current console (which I paid the previously mentioned obscene sum for), I have to wonder in fear for what the tag on the PS4/Xbox whatever is going to look like.

I've got a Wii as well, and it's fun and a half. We all know that the combo of accessibility and price point is remaking Nintendo into the behemoth it was 10 years ago. Now we've got the CEO of one of the development giants saying that these self-same points are what is going to drive a large portion of S-E's efforts. Is this perhaps indicative of what some other, smaller studios are thinking? Are we, as Mr. Wada suggests, seeing the beginning of a shift in dynamics? Time will tell, but it's going to be interesting at the very least.

Today's update is my review for the fantastic PSP title, Puzzle Quest. Man, I love this game. Although my week was pretty busy, and I would have liked to polish the review a bit more, I'm pretty pleased with how it's turned out. I think I'm getting better at my transitions and making everything flow together better.

On an unrelated note, my buddy Eyal8 ginned up a kick-ass banner for this page, and I'm going to upload it tomorrow. For now, it's late, I'm tired, and I need to hit the hay. Read my review! Love it! ;)