Some of you may remember my successful book, "So, You Want To Read A Book Whose Title Begins With "So, You Want To..."...?". If you haven't picked it up yet, here's a picture of it so you can find it at Borders with ease.



But curiously, not everyone will read it at this point, so I have to directly lift chapter 434 from the book to share it with you all, since it will change your life. Maybe.

Possibly.

Chapter 434: The Vicious Cycle, And How To Break (Up) With It; The Ioden Award For Being Awesome Like Ioden; The Meaning Of Life, And Why Communists Don't Want You To Know It

Now, my publisher, To The Limit Publishing Co., said that I can't share more than 80,000 words from the book, so I will only share with you the second part of the chapter on the Ioden Award.

The Ioden Award For Being Awesome Like Ioden is a prestigious award given out every millenium to the person who is the most awesomest. The only rule is that it can't go to me. Also, no smoking.

This (1,000) year's award goes to the most awesome person of all time: some random guy named Totallynotioden who registered here yesterday. He told me that he's awesome, which is the only real criteria other than not being me (totally!), so I totally hooked him up with the award! Here is the acceptance
speech, on archive footage.



I'd like to congratulate Totallynotioden on his award! Now, I'm going to go help him... escort his... trophy... to his... trophy... I mean... car...

Bye!

Alphabet of Manliness. Awesome.
Mr. Monk Goes To The Firehouse. I can only imagine... awesome.
Understanding Comics. Hopefully informative.
Zombie Survival Guide. Makes me feel safe.

Here it is. It's time for the best word ever conceived. And here it is...

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia.

It's fear of 666 being the Number of the Beast.

So today, we're all hexakosioihexekontahexaphobiacs.

I mean, c'mon, it looks like freakin' gibberish.

So the site is designed, mateys. Maties. Mates. Guys. Dudes. Whatever.

And here it is. All the beautiful glory of it.

Here's what it is.

Mike the Mullet Thing is, in its simplest and base of descriptions, a mostly G-rated, completely random series of comics detailing the wacky antics and adventures of Mike, a square with a mullet, a goatee, and a moustache, and his friends, such as Cuba, a walking/talking eyeball. It's a black-and-white comic updated daily, with 4 comics currently up, 5 currently done, and one comic intended to go up every single day this summer. It's all drawn 100% completely and totally by my new Graphire4 4x4 WACOM tablet.

The last two images of Mike are examples of what he looks like. However, text is NOT written anymore. It's all typed, as are speech bubbles. This is because it's WAY too hard to write things with a WACOM tablet and have them look legible, when in a confined space such as a speech bubble.

So... go read it. Pretty please?

Also, check out my sexy new banner.

I've had a long-going feud with the movie review industry. Like its hippie brother, the music review industry, and the basically nonexistant "Everyone's a winner with the New York Times Bestseller List!" book review industry, movie reviews are usually cruel, nit-picky, whiny examples of how some jackasses are ungrateful for anything good Hollywood gives them.

You may have heard... when I told you... that I saw The Break-up on Friday. And yes, it had its flaws. But it was quite possibly the funniest movie we will have this summer- it's this year's Wedding Crashers, which isn't too hard to believe since both have Vince Vaughn. Or, as I call him, InVinceIble.

But I checked out Fandango- by the way I was pleased to see that it topped the box office- and saw a lot of pompous, mean reviews. I've really noticed that even though reviews can compliment a movie the whole way through, they can then say mean things about it in the end, as if they hated it the whole time. And sometimes, they don't even talk about the quality of anything- they just say crap like:

Pic's built-in curiosity about the onscreen Vince Vaughn-Jennifer Aniston pairing should quickly dissipate faster than one of Vaughn's rat-a-tat riffs as word of mouth spreads.Some Jackass

But this one from USAToday takes the cake. This is the most pompous, trashy, jackassy, rotten, jaded, mean-spirited piece of defecation review ever made. I immediately lost no less than 842 brain cells and 50 sperm cells (they just died, knowing that if they made a baby, that baby could be a girl and go out and actually marry a movie critic), and my blood pressure raised to 5,000. Hell, even my Cholestrol went up. I guess those Cheerios didn't help.

Check this out.

Here is what pisses me off. GameSpot, IGO, and hell, even GameSpy and IGN and 1UP and all those other places... they bust their asses revewing the hundreds of games that come out each year. In total, I'd say at least, what, 200 or more reviews come out per year, per site? And yet these reviewers- even GregK- aren't given the kind of fame these pompous, lazy, mean reviewers get. Their names aren't printed in a magazine that goes out to millions and millions of people. They don't get as much money as movie critics, I'd like to believe. They don't get to go to fancy movie previews. Game reviewers have to play games, which can actually be a chore. Unlike movie critics who simply sit on their ass for two hours, watching a story get spoon-fed to them, and then go write a review and sound like jackholes.

Here are some quotes from this review. I'm going to take out the name of the movie and actors, and let's see if you can distinguish this review from that of a movie which is actually bad.

Sitting through it is almost as painful as going through the demise of a relationship.This pompous jackhole

Really, you little exaggerating pond scum? You're telling me that watching this movie that made over 100 people in my theater alone almost wet themselves from laughing so hard- that's as bad as losing the person you love? You're telling me that staying up late and crying, feeling like killing yourself, feeling like the world is coming to an end, wondering if life is still worth living... that's only slightly worse than watching this movie?

His scenes warbling with his a cappella choral group - The Tone Rangers - are among the movie's funniest.Same moron

All one of them. There's one scene where there is singing but it's not the whole group. And then there is a short clip of the group as a whole, but the singing is interrupted once the camera is inside the same room as them as VV gets his ass whooped. I'm pretty sure you can't even pluralize "scene" in this case.

If we had any idea what had drawn the characters together in the first place, we might care what happens when they break up. But we don't.Captain Tightpants

We? Oh, now you're speaking for me? No, screw you. Screw you, you might notice I said. Not screw us. Anyway, I'm pretty sure what drew the characters together. Let's see, Gary was a man... Brooke was a woman... the man liked her looks, the woman like his personality. What the hell is so hard to understand about human relationships? Oh, probably everything. You're never been in a relationship, right? I sure as hell hope you haven't, at least. You'd have really hurt somebody. Did you take your dating advice from that Valentine's Day episode of the Colbert Report? Because I'm pretty sure you're not famous enough for that to work.

And last but not least...

Jason Bateman is a hoot as the real estate-agent friend who won't waive his commission on the sale of their condo. God, why won't they just give up?

There we go. At least you didn't disrespect the Batemanator. He is god.

I give your review an F-. Hey, don't look at me like that. It would've been a 0, far worse than an F, if you hadn't shown some Batespect, as I like to call it. You are the worst reviewer ever, and you are a perfect example of why I always have, always... am... and always will be loathing every single movie critic to ever walk the face of the earth. If you were alive in the 30's, you'd probably have criticized the likes of Charlie Chaplin too, right?

In closing,



Love,
Ioden.

A few months ago, in school, I created a little comic strip called Mike the Mullet Thing. They were all on paper, made with Sharpies. They were completely random, insane, hilarious things. I made over 300 of them on paper but I realized that I needed to do something fresh with the comic to keep it from getting boring. So last night, after seeing The Break-up (a fine movie, by the way), I went and bought a new Graphire4 4x5 WACOM tablet. And it is nice.

Since then, I've made two new comics, started to set up the MTMT site, and have decided that I will make a new one almost every single day this summer.

Here's a sketch of the awesome dude.

What better to do in a time of boredom than read some boring old viewer mail?

Let's read!

---

Dear Ioden,
Why, oh why, don't you do anything anymore?! All you do is sit there and type journal entries and crap. What about ForumSpotting? What about comics? What about the stuff that made you famous?

Sincerely,
Joe Joeson, NY

---

Well, JJ, the thing is that... um... hey, a puppy!


Now that he's distracted you, it's time for me to cleverly get away. Bye, sucker! Hahaha!

[runs away very quickly]

[Doo-doo-doo-doo-dooooooo!]

Glad to have you with us, nation! Welcome to the Report. And we have a great show tonight. For all those who love Sony, it's time to take a look back... at their accomplishments this month. And that brings us to tonight's word...

Crappy.

You see, Sony is normally an okay company. A bit weird, but, who isn't? [bullet says: "Wii aren't" and audience sports forced laughter] But recently, they've started to screw up. They've made some stupid decisions [bullet: "RE: Every one made this month" and audience again laughs tiredly] and really haven't been on the ball as of late. And I can't help but worry. You see, Sony is a living, breathing organism [bullet: "PR department is the genitals", audience laughs]. And it seems as though their bowels, the creative development divisions, have been getting irritated. [bullet: "That explains where the PSP commercials came from.", audience laughs] So I'm offering Sony this free roll of toilet paper. Take it, Sony, and wipe your ass with it, so that you may heal and make some more weird choices onre more. And that's the word. We'll be right back.

[comes back from commercial break] You know, here on the Report, I make a lot of jokes on Sony's expense. And I'm not done. For you see, it's time for part six hundred and sixty six of our six hundred and sixty six part series, Better Know A Sony! Tonight, we profile every stupid decision made this month.

Sony unveils the pricing. This was a stupid move. If you know people aren't going to buy your product for such high prices, why tell them the price? Wait until 5 days before it launches and then reveal it. People will have already preordered it and you'll have already shipped most of them so their preorders likely won't be cancel-able! But fine, Sony, do your own thing. You also didn't have to make two versions. You could've just made one version for $550, but no.

Sony copies Nintendo. Contrary to what Sony's testicles are telling us, they copied this from Nintendo. They tried to steal their thunder, their very idea, and act as if they never did it. Good move, Sony.

The PS3 isn't even as good as we had been thinking. I'd at least been thinking "Well, at least Sony isn't completely stupid- they'll still have controller vibration, and have the 20 GB kit have all the non-storage related features that the bigger version has!" But no, they go and prove me wrong.

Sony's John Lithgow-lookalike executive outright lies and tries to destroy the PC industry. Okay, I was able to handle you destroying yourself, Sony. I can handle, and sometimes enjoy, watching you fumble around with your little fiscal football, until you realize that you just dropped it into your own endzone. But when you start actually lying about your copycat ideas and saying that you're going to destroy the PC gaming industry, well, I can't take it. Here's a hint: I don't give a damn how powerful your stupid processor and graphics cards are. You are not going to beat the experience and intensity of sitting in a chair, looking at a nice, crisp, detailed, hi-res monitor, having a keyboard and mouse, and playing games that the PC does best, also the only genres of gaming with any good games anymore: MMO's, FPS's, RTS's, and sims.

We'll be right back.

[back from commercial] My guest tonight is a Sony executive who goes by his Indian name, "Chicken With Head Cut Off." Please welcome, Mr. Chicken!

Ioden: Mr. Chicken, it's a pleasure to speak with you.
Chicken: It's a pleasure to speak with you, too, Ioden, and get the word out about our products.
I: Are you sure, though, that your products are, you know, good?
C: Of course they're good! They're-
I: If they're good then why are they so expensive? Are you trying to over-compensate for something? Are you a bit small... down there, in the PR and sales? I think you are. Just go buy a red sports car and drive around with crappy music blasting with a lot of bass.
C: What do you mean? Our products are fine! They-
I: I'm sorry, but you can go to hell. Do you know what I use your products for? Let's see, I use your precious PS2 as a DVD-player, I use your PS2 remotes as chairs for my feline pets, and I use your PSP as... oh wait, I never bought a PSP because it has no games anyone cares about, except Lumines, which you're now porting to your other big console.
C: But it's not as good of an experience on the PS2.
I: Really? Is that like saying Nintendogs isn't as good of an experience as having a real dog?
C: Not really, no.
I: Too bad, I'm the host, here.
C: You're very mean.
I: And you're an incompetent executive who's leading a formerly proud company straight into the ground faster than a zergling can burrow. See you later, Chicken!
C: Wait! I'm not done talking, you right-handed son of a-
I: Too late! [commercial]

[back from commercial] Well, that's it for the Report, but before I go, it's time for the Craziest ****ing Thing I've Ever Heard.

[awesome music] So, I was reading the news today when I happened to read this article about a Sony executive saying that the PS3 will obsolete-ify PC's. Now, I may have already linked to this, but that doesn't make it any less funny. Come on, Sony. Get your act together. You're not that cool go-to side of the console wars anymore. You're not that guy who can get any girl, and you're not the leading lobbyist for the tobacco industry. Now, I've seen bears, and I've seen bears, but Sony thinking they're going to make anything else obsolete? That's the Craziest ****ing Thing I've Ever Heard. [awesome music again]

Well, that's our show. See you later, nation. Goodnight. [cut to awesome credits]

TROGDOOOOOOOOOOR



Also, stuff.

Everybody, everybody, gather 'round and listen!

ForumSpotting. Coming soon. But not as soon as I'd said two months ago.

Gimme a break. I just maxed out all skills, a lifetime want, the Business and Paranormal careers, and college on a male sim. A sim who was abducted by aliens and gave birth to a male alien baby who is now a teenager.