22. Jose Gonzalez - In Our Nature
Litmus Test: Teardrop
Next Steps: Kill For Love, Down The Line, Fold.
Deep Cuts: Cycling Trivilities, The Nest, In Our Nature.
21. Foo Fighters - Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace
Litmus Test: The Pretender
Next Steps: Erase/Replace, Cheer Up Boys (Your Make Up Is Running), Statues, Long Road To Ruin.
Deep Cuts: But Honestly, Home, Summer's End, Ballad Of The Beaconsfield Miners.
20. Figurines - When The Deer Wore Blue
Limus Test: Hey Girl
Next Steps: Bee Dee, Let's Head Out, Half Awake Half Aware.
Deep Cuts: Cheap Place To Spend The Night, Angels Of The Bayou, Childhood Verse, Drunkard's Dream.
19. The New Pornographers - Challengers
Litmus Test: All The Things That Go To Make Heaven And Earth
Next Steps:Mutiny I Promise You,All The Old Showstoppers, My Rights Versus Yours.
Deep Cuts: Adventures In Solitude, Entering White Cecilia, Go Places, Myriad Harbour.
18. Stars - In Our Bedroom After The War
Litmus Test: Take Me To The Riot
Next Steps: The Beginning After The End, My Favourite Book, B*****s In Tokyo.
Deep Cuts: Window Bird, Personal, Midnight Coward, Barricade.
17. Office - A Night At The Ritz
Litmus Test: Oh My
Next Steps: Company Calls, Plus Minus Fairytale, Dominoes.
Deep Cuts: If You Don't Know By Now, Wound Up, The Ritz.
16. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Is Is EP
Litmus Test: Down Boy
Next Steps: Kiss Kiss, 10 x 10.
15. Tegan and Sara - The Con
Litmus Test: Burn Your Life Down
Next Steps: Back In Your Head, Hop A Plane, The Con.
Deep Cuts: Nineteen, Floorplan.
14. KT Tunstall - Drastic Fantastic
Litmus Test: Suddenly I See
Next Steps: I Don't Want You Now, Hopeless, Hold On, Someday Soon.
Deep Cuts: Saving My Face, Funnyman, If Only, Little Favours.
13. The Brunettes -Structure and Cosmetics
Litmus Test: B-a-b-y
Next Steps: Obligatory Road Song, Small Town Crew, Her Hairagami Set.
Deep Cuts: If You Were An Alien, Wall Poster Star, Credit Card Mail Order.
12. Rogue Wave - Asleep At Heaven's Gate
Litmus Test: Harmonium
Next Steps: I Can Die, Lullaby, Lake Michigan, Like I Needed.
Deep Cuts: Missed, Own Your Own Home, Cheaper Than Therapy, Ghost.
11. Athlete - Beyond The Neighbourhood
Litmus Test: Hurricane
Next Steps: Tokyo, In The Library, It's Not Your Fault, Second Hand Stores.
Deep Cuts: Flying Over Bus Stops, Best Not To Think About It, This Is What I Sound Like, In Between 2 States.
10. Kate Nash - Made Of Bricks
Litmus Test: Foundations
Next Steps: Mouthwash, Pumpkin Soup, Skeleton Song.
Deep Cuts: We Get On, Merry Happy, S**t Song, Birds.
9. Shout Out Louds - Our Ill Wills
Litmus Test: Tonight I Have To Leave It
Next Steps: You Are Dreaming, South America, Hard Rain.
Deep Cuts: Suit Yourself, Time Left For Love.
8. Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam
Litmus Test: Peacebone
Next Steps: Unsolved Mysteries, Cuckoo, Winter Wonder Land.
Deep Cuts: Number 1, Derek, Fireworks, For Reverend Green, Chores.
7. Hot Hot Heat - Happiness Ltd.
Litmus Test: Let Me In
Next Steps: Harmonicas and Tambourines, Give Up?, 5 Times Out Of 100.
Deep Cuts: My Best Friend, Conversation, Happiness Ltd., Outta Heart.
6. Interpol - Our Love To Admire
Litmus Test: Heinrich Maneuver
Next Steps: Rest My Chemistry, Who Do You Think,Pace Is The Trick.
Deep Cuts: Mammoth, No I In Threesome, Wrecking Ball.
5. Hard-Fi - Once Upon A Time In The West
Litmus Test: Tonight
Next Steps: Television, Little Angel, Can't Get Along (Without You).
Deep Cuts: Suburban Knights, I Shall Overcome, We Need Love, The King.
4. St. Vincent - Marry Me
Litmus Test: The Apocolypse Song
Next Steps: We Put A Pearl In The Ground, All My Stars Alligned, Human Racing, Now Now.
Deep Cuts: Jesus Saves I Spend, What Me Worry?, Land Mines, Marry Me.
3. The Go! Team - Proof Of Youth
Litmus Test: The Wrath Of Marcie
Next Steps: Doing It Right, Patricia's Moving Picture, My World.
Deep Cuts: Grip Like A Vice, Keys To The City.
2. Rooney - Calling The World
Litmus Test: When Did Yor Heart Go Missing?
Next Steps: Believe In Me, Don't Come Around Again, Calling The World.
Deep Cuts: Love Me Or Leave Me, I Should've Been After You, Tell Me Soon.
1. Motion City Soundtrack - Even If It Kills Me
Litmus Test: Calling All Cops
Next Steps: Last Night, Antonia, Broken Heart.
Deep Cuts: Can't Finish What You Started, Where I Belong, Hello Helicopter.
Jezzasaurus Blog
My Top Records For The Twenty-O-Savage: Second Quarter
by Jezzasaurus on Comments
13. 1900s - Cookies
Litmus Test: See You At The Lights
Next Steps: You Made Me Like It, Enjoying Myself, Pollokshields.
Deep Cuts: You're Supposed To Be My Friend, Risque Pictures, Arcade Precinct.
12. Noisettes - What's The Time Mr. Wolf?
Litmus Test: Scratch Your Name
Next Steps: Sister Rosetta (Capture The Spirit), Don't Give Up, Nothing To Dread.
Deep Cuts: The Count Of Monte Christo, Bridge To Canada, Mind The Gap.
11. Blonde Redhead - 23
Litmus Test: 23
Next Steps: Spring And By Summer Fall, Dr. Strangeluv, Silently.
Deep Cuts: SW, Heroine, Publisher.
10. Young Galaxy - Young Galaxy
Litmus Test: Outside The City
Next Steps: Searchlight, No Matter How Hard You Try, Come And See.
Deep Cuts:The Alchemy Between Us, Embers, Lazy Religion, Wailing Wall.
9. Kings Of Leon - Because Of The Times
Litmus Test: Ragoo
Next Steps: Fans, Arizona, Knocked Up.
Deep Cuts: Camero, Black Thumbnail, True Love Way, On Call.
8. The White Stripes - Icky Thump
Litmus Test: Little Cream Soda
Next Steps: Icky Thump, Conquest, I'm Slowly Turning Into You.
Deep Cuts: 300 M.P.H. Torrential Outpour Blues, Catch Hell Blues, You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do What You're Told).
7. The Thrills - Teenager
Litmus Test: No More Empty Words
Next Steps: The Midnight Choir, Nothing Changes Around Here, The End Of Innocence.
Deep Cuts: Long Forgotten Song, There's Joy To Be Found / The Boy Who Caught All The Breaks, I Came All This Way.
6. The Bravery - The Sun And The Moon
Litmus Test: Believe
Next Steps: Angelina, This Is Not The End, Time Won't Let Me Go.
Deep Cuts: Every Word Is A Knife In My Ear, Split Me Wide Open, Above And Below, Fistful Of Sand.
5. Arctic Monkeys - Favourite Worst Nightware
Litmus Test: Fluorescent Adolescent
Next Steps: Brianstorm, Old Yellow Bricks, Teddy Picker.
Deep Cuts: 505,The Bad Thing, D Is For Dangerous, Only Ones Who Knew.
4. Editors - And End Has A Start
Litmus Test: Smokers Outside The Hospital Doors
Next Steps: The Weight Of The World, And End Has A Start, Push Your Head Towards The Air.
Deep Cuts: The Racing Rats, Escape The Nest, Well Worn Hand.
3. Feist - The Reminder
Litmus Test: 1234
Next Steps: My Moon My Man, How My Heart Behaves, Brandy Alexander.
Deep Cuts: Sealion, Past In Present, Honey Honey, So Sorry.
2. Mark Ronson - Version
Litmus Test: God Put A Smile Upon Your Face
Next Steps:Valerie (feat. Amy Winehouse), Oh My God (feat. Lily Allen), LSF (feat. Kasabian).
Deep Cuts: Diversion, Inversion, Outversion, Apply Some Pressure (feat. Paul Smith)
1. Maximo Park - Our Earthly Pleasures
Litmus Test: Our Velocity
Next Steps: Girls Who Play Guitars, A Fortnight's Time, Parisian Skies.
Deep Cuts: Russian Literature, By The Monument, Sandblasted And Set Free, Karaoke Plays.
My Top Records For The Twenty-O-Savage: First Quarter
by Jezzasaurus on Comments
19. Kubichek! - Not Enough Night
Litmus Test: Nightjoy
Next Steps: Taxi, Start As We Meant To, Method Acting.
Deep Cuts: Hometown Strategies, Outwards, Roman Is Better.
18. Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank
Litmus Test: Dashboard
Next Steps: Missed The Boat, Florida, We've Got Everything.
Deep Cuts: Fire It Up, Little Motel, Parting Of The Sensory.
17. Klaxons - Myths Of The Near Future
Litmus Test: Golden Skans
Next Steps: Atlantis To Interzone, It's Not Over Yet, Two Recievers.
Deep Cuts: Gravity's Rainbow, Magick, Totem On The Timeline.
16. Joss Stone - Introducing Joss Stone
Litmus Test: Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now
Next Steps: Bruised But Not Broken, What Were We Thinking.
Deep Cuts: Arms Of My Baby, Tell Me 'Bout It.
15. Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?
Litmus Test: We Were Born The Mutants Again With Leafing
Next Steps:Suffer For Fashion, Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse, A Sentence Of Sorts In Kongsvinger.
Deep Cuts: Sink The Seine, She's A Rejecter.
14. Let's Go Sailing - The Chaos In Order
Litmus Test: Sideways
Next Steps: Icicles, All I Want From You Is Love, Better Off.
Deep Cuts: Come Home Safely, We Get Along, Too Many Stars,It's As Clear.
13. The Shins - Wincing The Night Away
Litmus Test: Phantom Limb
Next Steps: Sea Legs, Black Wave, Australia.
Deep Cuts: A Comet Appears, Turn On Me.
12. Norah Jones - Not Too Late
Litmus Test: Thinking About You
Next Steps: Until The End, Not Too Late, Rosie's Lullaby.
Deep Cuts: The Sun Doesn't Like You, Wake Me Up.
11. Albert Hammond, Jr. - Yours To Keep
Litmus Test: In Transit
Next Steps: 101, Cartoon Music For Superheroes, Everyone Gets A Star.
Deep Cuts: Hard To Live In The City, Holiday, Well... All Right.
10. The Little Ones - Sing Song EP
Litmus Test: Lovers Who Uncover
Next Steps: Cha Cha Cha
Deep Cuts: Face The Facts, Heavy Hearts Brigade.
9. Air - Pocket Symphony
Litmus Test: Night Sight
Next Steps: Mayfair Song, Space Maker, Mer Du Japon.
Deep Cuts: Lost Message, Photograph, Somewhere Between Waking And Sleeping.
8. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Some Loud Thunder
Litmus Test: Some Loud Thunder
Next Steps: Satan Said Dance, Underwater (You And Me), Yankee Go Home.
Deep Cuts: Mama Won't You Keep Them Castles In The Air And Burning?, Goodbye To Mother And The Cove.
7. Jamie T - Panic Prevention
Litmus Test: Clam Down Dearest
Next Steps: Sheila, If You Got The Money, So Lonely Was The Ballad.
Deep Cuts: Operation, Ike And Tina, Dry Off Your Cheeks.
6. Kaiser Chiefs - Yours Truly, Angry Mob
Litmus Test: Ruby
Next Steps: Heat Dies Down, Everything Is Average Nowadays, Learnt My Lesson Well.
Deep Cuts: Love's Not A Competition (But I'm Winning), Try Your Best, Retirement.
5. Amy Winehouse - Back To Black
Litmus Test: Tears Dry On Their Own
Next Steps: Rehab, Love Is A Losing Game, You Know I'm No Good.
Deep Cuts: He Can Only Hold Her, Back To Black.
4. Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
Litmus Test: No Cars Go
Next Steps: Keep The Car Running, Antichrist Television Blues, Intervention.
Deep Cuts: The Well And The Lighthouse, Black Wave/Bad Vibrations.
3. The Rakes - Ten New Messages
Litmus Test: The World Was A Mess But His Hair Was Perfect
Next Steps: We Danced Together, Trouble, Suspicious Eyes.
Deep Cuts: Little Superstitions, When Tom Cruise Cries.
2. The Apples In Stereo - New Magnetic Wonder
Litmus Test: Energy
Next Steps: Same Old Drag, 7 Stars, Can You Feel It?
Deep Cuts: Suundal Song, Beautiful Machine Parts 3-4, Skyway, Radiation.
1. Bloc Party - A Weekend In The City
Litmus Test: Waiting For The 7:18
Next Steps: Sunday, Kreuzberg, The Prayer, I Still Remember.
Deep Cuts: Song For Clay (Disappear Here), On, Hunting For Witches.
Random Notes
by Jezzasaurus on Comments
Poor tragic random. The word itself, I mean. Bandied about so much in the past year, mainly misappropriated and abused, it's now left like an orphan without a home.
Random once meant 'lacking any definate plan or pre-arranged order' - as in playing songs in random mode on CD. The past year has not only seen the adjective doubling up as a noun, but applied to everything from small talk to technology, pastime to people ('The conversation was so random, I hung up on him'... 'He was some random I met on the Net and our shag only lasted ten minutes'... 'My mobile looked like some random old brick in my bag, so I chucked it and bought a smaller one' ).
In an age where we hook up with strangers on the web after chatting for only a few minutes, then trash their details when we've met them face to face and don't like something trivial about them; where we get bored of an MP3 track just twenty seconds in, so skip it and the next sixteen until we find that obcurely titled white label our bedroom boffin MySpace pal in Belgium sent us; where we witness talentless nobodies becoming fabulous somebodies on TV overnight then forgotten one month later, it's no wonder a word that connotes haphazardness has infiltrated the modern vernacular like an uncontainable virus.
But like all those disposable objects it's been applied to - the temporary online buddies, the outmoded gadgets and gizmos, the outdated digital files, washed-up telly 'celebrities', and here today/gone tomorrow trade - 'random' looks like having reached it's use-by date.
Are you sure you want to delete file 'random'? Yes please.
Hugh Hefner Has Left Me Feeling Exposed
by Jezzasaurus on Comments
It's easy for women. When they are in the newsagent's at a railway station they can buy pretty much any magazine that takes their fancy, safe in the knowledge that they will be able to read it on the forthcoming train journey.
It's not so easy for a man. We know we should pick up The Bulletin or a book on Victorian poetry because this would make us appear sensitive and clever. This means buying a lad's mag, which used to be fine. But now, unfortunately, it's no longer possible to do such a thing, at least not if you want to read it in public.
Shark attack photos have been the staple diet of men's magazines since they arrived on the scene, 10 years ago. But with the launch and apparent success of Zoo, which is a weekly, the old monthlies have had to up the ante a bit.
With a circulation of 600,000 or so, FHM, the biggest seller, has the most to lose, so this month you can feast your eyes on Abi Titmuss wearing little more than a sheen of baby oil. And it's no good turning the page because woah, it's a double page spread of a man with elephantiatis and testicles the size of prize-winning pumpkins, when you have a stranger who may well be a nun sitting next to you.
This is the problem. In the early days of lads' magazines, it wasn't hard to find someone from a soap opera or the pop charts who, for a small fee, would appear in the centrefold, wearing a tasteful bikini, which was good... when it was just the centre. But now, with paparazzi on every beach in the world, the tabloid newspapers and celebrities in their G-strings. So the lads' magazines have to go further.
That frightens away serious actresses and means we are left with girls who once went out with someone who sold a dog to someone who lives next to a newsreader, or worse yet, from Big Brother. This week for instance, Zoo has printed a picture of Keeley No-Last-Name's bottom. Who is Keeley? I have absolutely no idea. Ralph, meanwhile, has shots of Emily Scott, so we're told. Is she an MTV presenter?
Would you read Maxim on the bus? Would you pull out the Playboy centrefold and nod appreciatively? Precisely. So this brings us back to the newsagent's at the railway station and the quandry of what to buy.
Cream has columns on music, film, arts, fashion, travel, technology, what more do you need? It has an upmarket, serious feel, but the cover is bright pink, and there are visual landmines in there too. You turn the page expecting to pind a piece on Clap Your Hands Say Yeah's latest album, but oh no, thrupennies, and the nun's giving you daggers.
So what about National Geographic? Well, yes, but it pretty much guarantees that you'll wake up 200 miles from your intended stop.
Specialist publications do have a certain allure. Sit on a train reading What Computer? or Autocar and you can be pretty much assured that nobody will sit next to you. The downside, of course, is that you will have to read What Computer? or Autocars.
All specialist publications assume the reader knows as much about the subject as the staff. I recently read a home cinema magazine and there was not a single word that made any sense at all.
Socially, it is possible to buy a magazine such as Arena, but it's hard to work out that they are about. Mostly, they seem to be full of rather trendy people leaning on bicycles in alleyways, and they are not what you'd call funny, which brings me to the sollution.
Being Australian, and male, what we like most off all is a damn good laugh. So go buy yourself an iPod and download The Office's back catalogue.
Life On Earth
by Jezzasaurus on Comments
Owls have no New Year's Eve. Neither can their lives be measured in days, for they are fowls of the night. They are never mentioned in New Year's honour's lists - owls are born with honour. They make no New Year's resolutions - instinctive creatures do not need resolution.
They take no hostages, no drugs, no holidays, no showers. Owls ignore art, religion, politics, sport, clothes, media, waterskiing, music, agriculture, history, gold, furniture, world travel, unionism, photo albums, indentikit portraits, maps, telephones, charity, scandal, fashion, omens. Owls like trees, moonlight, sex, food, nests, hooting.
VOTE 1 OWLS
Stuff The Turkey
by Jezzasaurus on Comments
As a small boy, Christmas was an important chance for me to reflect upon and appreciate the Christian values of sharing with and caring for others. From a very early age I hyad perfected this meditation, so it occupied no more than .0000000001 per cent of my time, leaving the rest free for me to stroke, rattle, smell and talk to unwrapped presents. As a first-born, I was utterly spoiled. At least that's what my relatives tried to tell me.
Aunt Sally: Sure look at all these presents, isn't it spoiled you are entirely?
Me: Yes, yes. Spoiled, blah, blah. Very good, other children would be happy with a rusty fork and a piece of string, blah, blah. You may make your deposit now.
Aunt Sally: Don't I get a kiss?
Me: Do you have any blank cheques, stocks or bonds lodged in your eye-teeth?
Aunt Sally: No.
Me: And so Cupid finds the quiver empty. Send in Uncle Joe on your way out! Next!
But I was not entirely selfish. The scrawly drawings offered to my parents as gifts took up many seconds of business time.
Ma: So this is baby Jesus and all the angels and donkeys and things... and these in the front, these are hills, right?
Me: No, these are mounds of cripplingly expensive presents.
Ma: Gold, incense, myrrh.
Me: The bible is an allegorical text. Research shows that Jesus, whose birth we are celebrating in a few short hours after the shops close, recieved the following; Lego, cash donations and chocolate. In buckets.
They were happy times, before my parents matured. Later, in adolescence, the main concern for me and my kind was deciding which hour of St. Stephen's morning would be most opportune to disappear to the pubs. Food was irrelevant at this age. I was in the middle of my vegetarian phase, which did not entirely succeed due to my giving up meat on moral grounds while hating vegetables on an almost personal level.
I still loathe broccoli. People pick up broccoli and say, 'this one is fresh'. But how do you know? All of it looks as if it's been around and done bad things. It is, after all, the only vegetable that would not look out of place in a nightclub, chain-smoking and writing IOUs at a blackjack table.
Bad Sam: You better be good for this, Lenny.
Lenny the Broccoli: Good, schmud. Button it and deal, it I want a lecture in morality I'll go talk to a lettuce. You give me pain in my heads.
That year I sat sullenly over a plate of beans. I was sullen all that year. The beans depressed me because my acne was very bad. It was like eating my own reflection.
More recently, my mother, who is a brilliant cook, decided quite brilliantly to abandon the dinner half-way through the preparations. Traditionally in our house the ceremony of this feast takes place quite late, three in the morning, say, the afternoon and evening being given over to wine-sampling. On this occasion we had all been extrememly rigorous in our sampling and the business of dinner was somewhat sidelined by our obsessive sommeliering. At a wee small hour I therefore assumed the role of chief turkey-meister.
First I had to stuff the bird. My parents thought this was hysterical. I didn't. I don't know if you ever held an uncooked turky to your bosom with your hand way up it's personal self, but if you have, you'll agree that it's one of those times when you don't want your mother to take photographs.
Me: What the hell are you doing? Think I want the evidence lying around?
Ma: (Click) We never see you. (Click)
Me: Stoppit! You'll get us all arrested.
Ma: It (click)... It looks (click) good. Very rugged.
Me: Yeah? You're gonna look pretty rugged in a minute. I'm gonna murder you with whatever I find in here. What am I going to find in here anyway?
Ma: Giblets.
Me: Get me out of this bird right now, and call the social services! You're going down, sister...
I did find them eventually and they are not nearly as attractive as they sound. Giblet finding does not score well on life's scale of emotional highs. The Mafia probably uses them when there are no horse heads available.
The other thing about this point on the calendar is that past and present become riven, your mind lolls at avenues of memory. You have alot of conversations with people whose names you have forgotten.
Them: Hi!
You: Oh, hi! How's everything with the, uh...
Them: Great! And you...
You: Couldn't be better.
Them: Good, it's certainly been good to see you again.
You: Oh God, yeah... Well, ha!
Them: Ha ha!
You: See you soon! Keep in touch!
Them: Youtooseeyabye!
But it can be instructive to meet old associates to get a perspective on what you've done with your life.
Maura: So that's how I ended up getting my whole face pierced, and the other thing about the religion was that you had to carry a piece of tree with you all the time, and we had to omit the letter 'P' from everything we said. I was only in it for about eight years... now I'm teaching mime to a group of convicted serial killers. And I do a little animal therapy on the side, just for money.
You: I always knew you'd do well, you were very good on the recorder.
Here in London, the festive spirit is all around, Oxford Street is all full of smiling faces, people all heading towards you, quite happy to trample you to the consistency of spit if you get in their way. Dublin's no better of course. V. and I spent all last week being pinballed up and down Grafton Street. There's nothing like consumerism to make you feel like a doomed piece of cosmic crud.
Neither of us are talented shoppers. The idea was to pick up a few books and shirts for siblings and parents. We returned to the room for a snooze. When we awoke we found we had aquired the following; one shortwave radio in the shape of a leopard mid-leap, a pair of solar-powered whistling sunglasses, a holster for false teeth, hedge-trimmers engraved with Polish drinking songs, a triple album set of 'Typical Noises Emanating From A Caravan', totem pole cleaning equipment, crotchless shoes and an angle-grinder.
Sure, it's stressful, but I still like this crazy, necessary celebration. It's high emotion, it's family, it's people you haven't seen in ages, it's all those things you meant to say but never did. But crucially, for me, it's my girlfriend and I going away by ourselves to leave you to get on with it.
Merry Christmas and best of luck with the, uh...
Aunt Sally: Sure look at all these presents, isn't it spoiled you are entirely?
Me: Yes, yes. Spoiled, blah, blah. Very good, other children would be happy with a rusty fork and a piece of string, blah, blah. You may make your deposit now.
Aunt Sally: Don't I get a kiss?
Me: Do you have any blank cheques, stocks or bonds lodged in your eye-teeth?
Aunt Sally: No.
Me: And so Cupid finds the quiver empty. Send in Uncle Joe on your way out! Next!
But I was not entirely selfish. The scrawly drawings offered to my parents as gifts took up many seconds of business time.
Ma: So this is baby Jesus and all the angels and donkeys and things... and these in the front, these are hills, right?
Me: No, these are mounds of cripplingly expensive presents.
Ma: Gold, incense, myrrh.
Me: The bible is an allegorical text. Research shows that Jesus, whose birth we are celebrating in a few short hours after the shops close, recieved the following; Lego, cash donations and chocolate. In buckets.
They were happy times, before my parents matured. Later, in adolescence, the main concern for me and my kind was deciding which hour of St. Stephen's morning would be most opportune to disappear to the pubs. Food was irrelevant at this age. I was in the middle of my vegetarian phase, which did not entirely succeed due to my giving up meat on moral grounds while hating vegetables on an almost personal level.
I still loathe broccoli. People pick up broccoli and say, 'this one is fresh'. But how do you know? All of it looks as if it's been around and done bad things. It is, after all, the only vegetable that would not look out of place in a nightclub, chain-smoking and writing IOUs at a blackjack table.
Bad Sam: You better be good for this, Lenny.
Lenny the Broccoli: Good, schmud. Button it and deal, it I want a lecture in morality I'll go talk to a lettuce. You give me pain in my heads.
That year I sat sullenly over a plate of beans. I was sullen all that year. The beans depressed me because my acne was very bad. It was like eating my own reflection.
More recently, my mother, who is a brilliant cook, decided quite brilliantly to abandon the dinner half-way through the preparations. Traditionally in our house the ceremony of this feast takes place quite late, three in the morning, say, the afternoon and evening being given over to wine-sampling. On this occasion we had all been extrememly rigorous in our sampling and the business of dinner was somewhat sidelined by our obsessive sommeliering. At a wee small hour I therefore assumed the role of chief turkey-meister.
First I had to stuff the bird. My parents thought this was hysterical. I didn't. I don't know if you ever held an uncooked turky to your bosom with your hand way up it's personal self, but if you have, you'll agree that it's one of those times when you don't want your mother to take photographs.
Me: What the hell are you doing? Think I want the evidence lying around?
Ma: (Click) We never see you. (Click)
Me: Stoppit! You'll get us all arrested.
Ma: It (click)... It looks (click) good. Very rugged.
Me: Yeah? You're gonna look pretty rugged in a minute. I'm gonna murder you with whatever I find in here. What am I going to find in here anyway?
Ma: Giblets.
Me: Get me out of this bird right now, and call the social services! You're going down, sister...
I did find them eventually and they are not nearly as attractive as they sound. Giblet finding does not score well on life's scale of emotional highs. The Mafia probably uses them when there are no horse heads available.
The other thing about this point on the calendar is that past and present become riven, your mind lolls at avenues of memory. You have alot of conversations with people whose names you have forgotten.
Them: Hi!
You: Oh, hi! How's everything with the, uh...
Them: Great! And you...
You: Couldn't be better.
Them: Good, it's certainly been good to see you again.
You: Oh God, yeah... Well, ha!
Them: Ha ha!
You: See you soon! Keep in touch!
Them: Youtooseeyabye!
But it can be instructive to meet old associates to get a perspective on what you've done with your life.
Maura: So that's how I ended up getting my whole face pierced, and the other thing about the religion was that you had to carry a piece of tree with you all the time, and we had to omit the letter 'P' from everything we said. I was only in it for about eight years... now I'm teaching mime to a group of convicted serial killers. And I do a little animal therapy on the side, just for money.
You: I always knew you'd do well, you were very good on the recorder.
Here in London, the festive spirit is all around, Oxford Street is all full of smiling faces, people all heading towards you, quite happy to trample you to the consistency of spit if you get in their way. Dublin's no better of course. V. and I spent all last week being pinballed up and down Grafton Street. There's nothing like consumerism to make you feel like a doomed piece of cosmic crud.
Neither of us are talented shoppers. The idea was to pick up a few books and shirts for siblings and parents. We returned to the room for a snooze. When we awoke we found we had aquired the following; one shortwave radio in the shape of a leopard mid-leap, a pair of solar-powered whistling sunglasses, a holster for false teeth, hedge-trimmers engraved with Polish drinking songs, a triple album set of 'Typical Noises Emanating From A Caravan', totem pole cleaning equipment, crotchless shoes and an angle-grinder.
Sure, it's stressful, but I still like this crazy, necessary celebration. It's high emotion, it's family, it's people you haven't seen in ages, it's all those things you meant to say but never did. But crucially, for me, it's my girlfriend and I going away by ourselves to leave you to get on with it.
Merry Christmas and best of luck with the, uh...
The Life And Times Of Gavin Oakes
by Jezzasaurus on Comments
In the unlikely event of any picture interference, please adjust your video recorder's tracking control. This will, in most cases, rectify both sound and picture quality.
The recording, copying, loan, unauthorised hire, public showing or broadcasting of this BBC Worldwide Videogram is prohibited, and is specifically liscenced for home use only.
The definition of home use excludes the use of this video cassette in places such as clubs, coaches, hospitals, hotels, oil rigs, prisons, schools, supermarkets, launderettes, massage parlours, record shops, sweet shops, sweat shops, Chinese restaurants, Indian curry houses, Royal garden parties, political party conferences, or 13a Great War Road, Tooting, London SW17 WW2.
There was great excitement and celebrating in the streets of Poona in India at the news of the birth of Gavin Oakes, the son of an army captain with a flari for amateur dramatics, and India's first woman with her own milk run. At an early age the amitious young Gavin, know to his close friends as Sahib, realising he was getting nowhere in India emmigrated to England, where he volunteered to fight the war against Hitler.
It was while in the army that Gavin discovered he had a talent which would make him famous throughout the land, but his career as a page three model came to an abrupt end when tin baths were requisitioned to make bombs.
After the war, Gavin became a well known figure in Hyde Park, and became known to everyone from thereon as Gavin. It was in Hyde Park that the BBC, mistaking him for Sir Winston Churchill out for a jog, asked Gavin for his views on the forthcoming general election. Inspired by the stark beauty of the park and it's trees, he receited some his poetry:
'I'm not frightened of cats,
they only feed on mice and rats,
but a hippopotamus,
could eat the lot of us!'
Soon he was invited to join other poets at poetry readings elsewhere in the park.
Determined to become an international sucess, Gavin launched himself as a country and western singer, but Perry Como copied his style and got there first. Devastated, Gavin spent the next fifteen years listening to the classics, then he got the idea which would make him famous, playing his records in public and let them perform. He called it a 'disco' after the washer which flew off the winding handle.
Soon Gavin was travelling the country playing his gramaphone, making personal apperances, and signing paper models of his record collection.
Comissioned by the BBC to write an adventure series for it's Arts Features Department, Gavin invited his friend Peter Sellers to join him. Unfortunately a strike by the television centre meant the show would have to be made without scenery.
The recording, copying, loan, unauthorised hire, public showing or broadcasting of this BBC Worldwide Videogram is prohibited, and is specifically liscenced for home use only.
The definition of home use excludes the use of this video cassette in places such as clubs, coaches, hospitals, hotels, oil rigs, prisons, schools, supermarkets, launderettes, massage parlours, record shops, sweet shops, sweat shops, Chinese restaurants, Indian curry houses, Royal garden parties, political party conferences, or 13a Great War Road, Tooting, London SW17 WW2.
There was great excitement and celebrating in the streets of Poona in India at the news of the birth of Gavin Oakes, the son of an army captain with a flari for amateur dramatics, and India's first woman with her own milk run. At an early age the amitious young Gavin, know to his close friends as Sahib, realising he was getting nowhere in India emmigrated to England, where he volunteered to fight the war against Hitler.
It was while in the army that Gavin discovered he had a talent which would make him famous throughout the land, but his career as a page three model came to an abrupt end when tin baths were requisitioned to make bombs.
After the war, Gavin became a well known figure in Hyde Park, and became known to everyone from thereon as Gavin. It was in Hyde Park that the BBC, mistaking him for Sir Winston Churchill out for a jog, asked Gavin for his views on the forthcoming general election. Inspired by the stark beauty of the park and it's trees, he receited some his poetry:
'I'm not frightened of cats,
they only feed on mice and rats,
but a hippopotamus,
could eat the lot of us!'
Soon he was invited to join other poets at poetry readings elsewhere in the park.
Determined to become an international sucess, Gavin launched himself as a country and western singer, but Perry Como copied his style and got there first. Devastated, Gavin spent the next fifteen years listening to the classics, then he got the idea which would make him famous, playing his records in public and let them perform. He called it a 'disco' after the washer which flew off the winding handle.
Soon Gavin was travelling the country playing his gramaphone, making personal apperances, and signing paper models of his record collection.
Comissioned by the BBC to write an adventure series for it's Arts Features Department, Gavin invited his friend Peter Sellers to join him. Unfortunately a strike by the television centre meant the show would have to be made without scenery.
My Interview With Chris Martin From Coldplay
by Jezzasaurus on Comments
Me: Chris Martin from Coldplay, got a few question for you...
CM: Can I wear your sunglasses?
Me: OK, now you'd like to buy clothes made in sweatshops because they're cheaper, do you prefer Chinese or Indian made stuff?
CM: Indian, Chinese don't know what they're doing.
Me: Most of your record collection is taped from BBC Radio 1, doesn't the quality suffer?
CM: If you get a TSX 60, flip it, six songs each side... magic.
Me: Now, at the Conservative Party conference a few years back, you made a rousing speach saying that if Labor banned fox hunting, you'd leave the country. Now, you did leave, but now you're back, isn't that hypocritical?
CM: I just came back to get some stuff, to get my hunting gear, two guns and a knife.
Me: Now, you love getting corporate sponsorship for stuff, and you named your child Apple after the computer firm, how much money did you get for that?
CM: Four billion dollars. But two billion of it was taxed.
Me: Now, your wife Gwyneth is obviously a Welsh lass, but you've never learnt the language. How do you communicate?
CM: Morse code.
Me: Now, you famously said that you don't trust black people. Isn't that rascist?
CM: I think rascism is a state of mind...
Me: On tour, you have the band and crew in stitches with your impression of the disabled, why do they find that so funny?
CM: Can I wear your sunglasses?
Me: OK, now you'd like to buy clothes made in sweatshops because they're cheaper, do you prefer Chinese or Indian made stuff?
CM: Indian, Chinese don't know what they're doing.
Me: Most of your record collection is taped from BBC Radio 1, doesn't the quality suffer?
CM: If you get a TSX 60, flip it, six songs each side... magic.
Me: Now, at the Conservative Party conference a few years back, you made a rousing speach saying that if Labor banned fox hunting, you'd leave the country. Now, you did leave, but now you're back, isn't that hypocritical?
CM: I just came back to get some stuff, to get my hunting gear, two guns and a knife.
Me: Now, you love getting corporate sponsorship for stuff, and you named your child Apple after the computer firm, how much money did you get for that?
CM: Four billion dollars. But two billion of it was taxed.
Me: Now, your wife Gwyneth is obviously a Welsh lass, but you've never learnt the language. How do you communicate?
CM: Morse code.
Me: Now, you famously said that you don't trust black people. Isn't that rascist?
CM: I think rascism is a state of mind...
Me: On tour, you have the band and crew in stitches with your impression of the disabled, why do they find that so funny?
Bermuda Triangle Headlines
by Jezzasaurus on Comments
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