(Everyone ignore this, I'm doing Homework in school and my story is like a blog so I figured "Hey, why not actually do it in a blog?" This is gonna be awesome, read if you want but it isn't for you :P)
Ninjas
I'm not paranoid, OK? I'm simply a realist. I have it all worked out. Ninjas. Yes, ninjas. The epitome of oriental badassness. The ones that wear black full body cloaks so you can't see when they wet themselves (but they don't because they're too cool for that). Hides even better than heterosexuality in the Backstreet Boys, runs even faster than Britney Spears from responsibility, and yes, they ARE better than pirates! End of discussion! Anyway, they are the reason for the problems I have had recently which you all know about. However, this time I was ready. Ready with a camera. Scroll down to watch the video.
*embedded video*
For those without the latest flash player or if you're still on dialup (...) I shall explain what happens.
First, that's me just turning the camera on; God, I'm handsome. Then, I leave the room, being careful to close the door. This is crucial, as the aforementioned ninjas must be able to sense the tiny shockwaves generated from it. Sure enough, after a good few seconds, three dive in through the windows behind the camera. It's amazing how they get through without any trace! It's almost like they never came through and were behind the camera the whole time (of course this isn't the case though). Anyway, watch what they do now. Two of them watch and listen for anything going on, while one sits on the computer chair and starts up my PC. Yes, the one I'm sitting on now to write this. After interrogating the sticky note on the back of my monitor for my password, within a few short seconds, he's in.
As the others stand motionlessly, waiting for any movement, the leader very quickly does his work. Now, he's looking through my Homework files and deleting all of them systematically. One by one, all the homework I had accomplished since their last visit disappears. Suddenly, you can hear me from the living room barking orders to my Mum about how I want my tea. This is when they become afraid. The three of them drop and roll over like someone on fire under the desk and bed. After a few seconds of near silence, they roll back out and carry on with their job of deleting all my homework. As you can see, all their movements appear choreographed, like a well rehearsed play. In the time it takes for George W Bush to say something stupid in a speech, they're done. However, there's even more to do. The ninja at the computer opens up the Internet to do one final misdeed, while one of the watchers dashes around the room and collects all the remotes in my room: my TV remote, my DVD remote, my NTL remote and my VHS remote. After all four have been gathered, with one elegant movement he jumps to the sofa and swiftly swipes them under it. Now, they appear finished, and right on cue. The computer ninja closes the Internet, then the three leap majestically behind the camera and through the window (again without a trace, how do they do it?) and just in time, as I have just come in again.
So yeah, that's why I have no Homework on my computer, my background is pornographic and my TV remotes are never where I put them. PROOF.
(Posted on 14/9/07 at 16:23 GMT)
EDIT: Since posting this blog I have had comments from people saying that similar things have happened to them. Here is one example:
randomn00b says: lol u r so rite i also hav a pron bg nd teh ninjas got my compy 2 roflmao
This is a widespread problem! However, being the first to document such an event, I feel I should give advice. One: Doors. Maybe you should leave them open, as this will make the ninjas less likely to strike (you know, my tiny shockwave theory and stuff). If you are truly paranoid you could get rid of the door but for privacy reasons I do not advise this. Two: Do not trust the sticky notes. The information can be extorted from them quite easily, as I found out regretfully. Three: If all else fails, just don't leave your possessions alone. Having your computer, TV, bed, kitchen, toilet and all other necessities in one room will almost negate the possibility of an invasion.
Be smart. Be aware. Be secure.
Krazykraz01
FACT: Ninjas cause more late pieces of Homework than rabid dogs.
FACT: They have connections in every street, usually with your neighbour.
FACT: If you can't see them, it doesn't matter, they can probably see you.
(Posted on 18/9/07 at 13:10 GMT)
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