being the indecisive type is quite the annoyance.

at the moment, I couldn't quite decide whether I wanted to play Silent Hill: Shattered Memories some more now that it's night and prone to be more scary (and it'll definitely be scary since I'm at a chase), or finish up some writing that I finally got around to working on. I ended up deciding to go with a gamespot blog, naturally. another strong contender; going to bed. it's 1:30 and I'm pretty tired, but not as terribly so as I would've been at any other point the past few weeks. I'm kind of annoyed that I'm waking up later and staying up/out later again, since that's really not what I want, even if there isn't much of anything to do in the mornings (or at least, it feels like there isn't).

in other parts of the decision tree, the people I hang out with want me to go with them to the town most of them go to school in. it's about an hour away, and I wouldn't be driving or have my own car, two things that I dislike. then, I'm also not really sure I want to even bother since I don't drink anymore and I'm not sure how fun it'd be. it's sort of a pale comparison to what we did last year, which was rent a cabin in the mountains for new years and have a week long party. it was a great time and all, but I'm not entirely sure that's the person I am.

an alternative to that would be going to visit my best friend in masachusetts. but the problem with that is, even if I can manage to take one of my parents' cars for a night to spend new years with her, I'm not really sure how that'd work out. I'm really not sure where we're at the moment, relationship wise. she's been one of my best friends since my freshman year of high school, an online friend, and we've only met in person once. it's just kind of awkward because it really seems like we're sort of toeing the line between a best friends relationship and a more than friends relationship since we've been so close for so long and just some of the things we've said lately. I don't know what would really end up happening, or even what I'd want to happen. I really have no idea what to do in that whole department, beyond the whole new years situation. I really want her to be happy.

and then there's the college thing. I want to start next semester, in january. I've had a year off, and that's about as good as could have been expected, but I'm really ready to move on, I think. but the thing is, I have no clue where I want to go or what I want to do, and what it is exactly that I want to move on to. I've applied to the school that the majority of the people I hang out with go to (note that I don't label them friends; I don't exactly consider them friends, and I'm not really even sure that I want to continue to hang out with them), but I don't really know why it is that I'd want to go there or if I do. my older brother attends there, and I've visited the campus before, so it'd at least be relatively familiar and easy enough to find my way around, which is why I feel a strong push to attend. but, at the same time, it'd be an hour north, and that'd make another visit with my best friend before she moves further south even less likely.

the other school I've applied to is an hour south of where I live now. it'd put me closer. but my ex also goes there, and even if its a relatively large school and I don't know that I'd exactly expect to see her around ever, I'm not sure I want to be that close to her. the nature of our relationship kind of makes it feel weird to say that, but it's true.

I don't really know that either school is a place I want to be at. I think what I really want is to just start over somewhere new. to leave all of this behind and not have to deal with it anymore. but I don't know where that is or how I'd get there, and I don't really think its feasible or viable to happen in the next two weeks when I'll be hearing back (hopefully) from the schools and ultimately choosing which I'd like to attend. what matters most right now, is progress and moving forward. and yet, I'm not sure that it's right to just push myself forward if its faster than I really should be going, or if I'm really just moving for the sake of moving forward as opposed to actually making legitimate progress.

it's very confusing. and then, being as indecisive and confused as I tend to be really doesn't make these sorts of decisions much easier.

I want to be happy. I really want to be happy now. I practice smiling, and when I'm down, I make myself smile. I put on a smile, where ever I am and pretend that I'm not depressed because the line between bravado and false bravado is such an easy one to blur. and it's working, even if I don't know that I'm necessarily ready to make bigger decisions or try harder to be happy just yet. because I don't really know what would make me happy or how to go about getting it.

also: I tend to brush off the things that bother me the most and try to ignore them. in particular, that'd be the friends situation(s) and one that I completely ignored until now, the eating disorder.

so, I'm not entirely sure that I've ever been clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I clearly don't have a healthy diet. I thought I had my eating mostly under control, but I've regressed pretty thoroughly in the past week or so and dropped back down to a meal a day. I was doing really good about eating 2-3 meals a day for a few weeks, but it took another nose dive. it's really been difficult. I've been underweight since elementary school, but my eating was at least moderately regular up to my junior year of high school when it started dropping and fluctuating. its been the worst the past few months, and it really bothers me how difficult it is to get under control. i'm trying so hard and yet still can only make myself eat more than just a meal on above average days. its really very frustrating, but it feels good to at least admit it and be honest. I'm sure I'll get it under control again soon, I just have to try a little harder. I'm thinking that going away to college will also make things easier since I'll have to purchase a meal plan and eat at a cafeteria, but I'd at least feel better about myself if I could get it together before that.

hahah. I'm playing Silent Hill: Shattered Memories and that song sounded suspiciously like that Conway Twitty song from the human society commercials.

I'm a little ashamed of myself for recognizing it.

God, my family annoys me. I know they mean well, but they give such lame gifts that have literally zero thought or effort. I really wish they wouldn't even try.

So last year, my parents got me Call of Duty: World at War and a Subway gift card. Those are the two that really bothered me the most. I do not eat at Subway, nor have I practically ever. And, I mean, it should be obvious that there are better places to get me gift cards to, considering they had seen me come home with fast food or sandwiches from places other than Subway on a regular basis and had in fact never seen me choose to pick up Subway for myself. Last fall/winter, I was spending every night at the local Tim Horton's just to get out of the house. I would go and order a drink and just spend the entire night by myself in a corner reading and go home a little before sunrise. I think it seems clear that someone gave them a gift card at work as a holiday bonus or they got it for free somehow and decided to use it as a gift. It may just be wishful thinking but I really hope they weren't dumb enough to believe it was something I wanted or would ever use. I still haven't used it. Call of Duty was annoying because it was the one holiday release I didn't want, and I literally would hare been happy with any other game or preferably even a gift card. It just highlights the fact that they know nothing about me but for some strange reason think they do.

To avoid something like that this year, I made it clear what games I'd like or actually play and dropped massive hints. And received a gift card to Gamestop. Seriously? This being after my parents asked me what I'd like on Black Friday and made me hold off on getting games I wanted for great prices.

No, I trusted them and held off on buying myself things this holiday season. I bought myself a book with my birthday money and spent the rest of it on getting them Christmas gifts. I got my mother the remake of 3:10 to Yuma because she's been reading and enjoying Westerns that I've left around the house lately, my brother Halo: ODST because he loves Halo, and my father Condemned 2 because he loves horror games and I figured he'd get a hoot out of all the NPCs talking to Agent Thomas all the time considering his name is Thomas. This is only the second or third year I've bothered with gifts, but I like that I at least think about them and try to get them things I think they'll like. My mother got me one of those Hex Bugs things that the local Radio Shacks always have out, and asked me if I knew what it was when I opened it because she clearly had no idea what it was or was supposed to do. Why even waste money like that?

She also bought me two flashlights this year for Christmas. Not one, but two. This idea stemming from the idea that when I needed a flashlight three months ago, I bought three and she found them. She saw them when she was cleaning my room (whenever I spend the nght out, I come home and find my room has been cleaned and rearranged; honestly, who goes in and rearranges someone else's bedroom? Clearly if it isn't the way I want it, I'm more apt to know how I'd like it and entirely capable of doing it myself) and only knows that I once had a need for a flashlight because I fulfilled that need myself by buying three. So she spends money on two name brand (quality, but still a completely and outrageously unnecessary expense) flashlights for Christmas gifts? I don't need flashlights on a regular basis, and I already have three. I'm so annoyed.

They got me a Tim Horton's gift card this year. Great, right? Wrong. I don't go to Tim Horton's anymore because the local one added a Coldstone Creamery and they now get a lot more business. I haven't even been there in a while because there are always too many people and it tends to be a lot noisier. I've barely even left the house in the past six months.

And then there was the Wal-Mart gift card. I know people feel better giving gift cards/certficates instead of just cash, but what the heck? I've been boycotting Wal-Mart for three months. Thank you very much for the gift card.

My parents are such awful, typical Americans. Just consume, consume, consume; 'hey look, there's that thing I saw a commercial for. I don't know what it is, but I had better buy it. Oh, and look, I don't need any pasta sauce right now, but it's on sale so I had better buy ten bottles.' It really annoys me that my family is always broke because they put no thought into spending and waste soooo much money. Last year, I didn't get one personal gift from my parents other than Call of Duty. The rest was all just stuff taken out of the gift section of an L.L. Bean catalog. Portable Emergency Clock Radio, LED Lantern, Gorilla pod (for my camera that they were aware is broken), etc. The kind of things that nobody ever buys for their self because they realize that nobody will ever use any of it except to give as a lame gift that nobody wants.

I mean, I know it makes them feel like better parents to give their children gifts at Christmas time, but really, what's the point if you're just wasting money on things they have no reason to think that I will like or use? I mean, I know I probably sound whiny and I would feel as much like an **** just asking for cash as I would taking things back (the reason that I don't do either and have boxes of gifts in their original packaging that I never use) but seriously, stop wasting money.

it's such a hard feeling to shake. and I'm not sure I want to shake it, because there's a chance, however small, that it's not just an absurd feeling, that things really aren't real and I'm just delusional.

I'm blind in a lot of dreams, or I just plain can barely see. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm aware that my eyes are closed. I struggle so hard to open my eyes, and I just can't.

and sometimes that's what life feels like.

but other times, it's just like reality is so absurd. do these people really exist? is that real? is this? it's just an awful game to guess at, and however badly I want to just let it go, I can't. I have to acknowledge every second that I might be wrong, and it's both a blessing and curse.

I tried some drugs once. it was a hallucinogen called salvia, and entirely legal. I don't even illegally download music.

the point is that it's a hallucinogen that'll make you trip, like a very weak acid. the trips are short and over quickly, and I've never heard of anyone having a bad trip.

when I started to trip, it was like I lost my sense of balance. everything seemed long, and felt stretched out. I think my jaw dropped, because for the first few seconds, seconds that felt like an eternity, I felt like my mouth had just fallen off my face. I paused in a doorway and it seemed like I knew the entire universe, that I was seeing everything clearly for the first time, that I understood everything for what it was. I felt like there were millions upon millions of me, all in a very same situation, and all visible at that one second. it was like stills from a movie, just versions of the same scene stretching on and on for infinity with minor changes. I felt like my life had been building towards that one moment, that the universe its self had revolved around it.

it felt like the end. I felt like if things really had been building toward it, if that one moment was the point of everything, regardless of whatever meaning I could ever hope to discern, then everything after it was pointless. that there was nothing after it, that there would be nothing. I felt God staring down at me, and I was afraid of the end. I was so afraid to look up because I knew that if I did, I'd see God looking down at me. I don't know for sure, but it felt like I had broken the universe, as if I had ended creation too early by making all of the different parallels visible to each other.

it really felt like everyone else could see the others too. that the other people in the room were aware that all of existence was on pause and on the brink of destruction. and I started to shift awareness from the one person I was to all of the different ones, and I saw all of the differences first hand. and as I did, I felt as though another being, bigger than us humans and yet still infinitely smaller than God, saw me and approached. he stepped into the room, he pointed at my jacket hanging on a chair nearby, and said, "do you think that's real? do think this color really exists?" and he tore it out of existence just to spite me, just to have fun with me.

and then I realized that I wasn't any of the people any more. that I wasn't just one person, that the quintessential I was really many, and that because of that, I was nothing. I was the space between. and it felt like they started to shift more and more, that existence began to move, that all of the different universes lost visibility as I was thrown into darkness, damned to be a void, to not even be.

I ended up huddling next to a bed for a while. I was afraid to open the door, that there was no world outside because it was no longer necessary and that I had thereby caused its destruction. the walls looked disturbingly flimsy, and the colors and texture hardly felt real, didn't feel as though they belonged.

and as I came down from my trip, I had to sort of convince myself that things were real. almost as if I had landed in a universe different from the one I started in and was trying to come to terms with my new reality.

the terrible part is that the person I am, the indecisive person that has to acknowledge every side to an argument, will probably always wonder if maybe this isn't where I started. that things feel so unreal sometimes because my own reality is different from the one I inhabit and even though this is my reality, I sometimes have to shake off the teasing memory of what was and how things should be.

I've never told anyone about this experience. I'm not sure the people in the room realize that I had any sort of mind-blowing trip, that I was anything but simply gone for a few moments and then a little sick afterward. my only prior experience with salvia had simply made me giggle uncontrollably for a few seconds, and none of their trips seemed to have quite the significance that my major one had. it was probably almost a year ago, but it still bothers me terribly from time to time. I'm not sure I think about it every day, but enough.

it's terrible to wonder if things are real and know that you'll only ever be able to wonder and probably never know for sure.

I think that's part of the reason that I quit smoking and drinking ultimately. I quit after the trip but couldn't keep away for more than a few weeks before finally quitting a few months ago. I can't stand anything that shakes up my grounding in reality, that makes it harder than it already is to say with certainty what reality is.

I think another part of it is that I'm such a depressed person. I find it hard to get excited over anything, and there's very little that I care about. I have very confusing feelings for the two people that I care most about, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to sort them out and just enjoy life.

that's why I enjoy writing so much, and why I have a tendency to categorize my stories on fictionpress as hurt/comfort/angst. it's a way for me to comfort myself, by creating my own reality where there are certainties and explicit facts. where I can create a character that I can care for without all of the confusing feelings and emotions, someone that I can care for that will never hurt me or confuse me or just plain do things that I don't understand.

if this is sanity, writing is the way I hold onto it.

if this is reality, writing about fake ones is what keeps me anchored in it.

sometimes it kind of bothers me that I bother myself so much. today is the three year anniversary of my brother's death, and I'm aware that it bothers me and that it probably effects me a lot, but the things that are always the most troubling are things like this.

life is difficult for me because I have to just live, because I don't want to be confused by feelings, but I can't quite undesrtand my emotions or what they mean and thus can't let them mean anything or act on them without fully understanding them.

I think I feel better having gotten even just this much out though. and it's a good laugh to think that I'm blogging this on a gaming website at 4am on christmas eve :)

I don't need to be told that I'm one of a kind. hahah.

It happens from time to time. I'm not sure I'd say it happens frequently, or that it bothers me especially, but it does happen.

In this one, I found out that he had been off at college or something, and that the accident was just a mistake, that he was fine and was just misreported or something. of course, in real life, I know that's not the case, since I visited him in the ICU. but in the dream, this was the case. When I dream about people that aren't around anymore, this tends to be how it is. If I'm aware that they shouldn't be around, I find out that they've just been somewhere else for a while, that they've been fine and just couldn't tell people that they were actually still alive.

We were hanging out this time, which is basically what happens in most dreams involving him. I had to do some things and he basically just came along. but then, I started thinking about how he didn't seem to ever have any effect on anything or go anywhere without me, and I started to thinking how unlikely it really was that the accident was misreported. I've kind of got to wonder if that kind of heavy reasoning is normal in a dream.

but I reasoned that it was unlikely he was really there, and I looked at a sign. I read the first few letters and then told him to read the rest, knowing that if he was really there, he wouldn't have a problem doing so, but that if he was a figment of my imagination, he wouldn't be able to say anything I didn't know unless he made it up which I could check. and when I told him to do this, he just disappeared because I was aware that I couldn't fool myself.

I was really proud of myself for figuring out that he was just in my head and proving it, and at the same time frustrated that that was the case and that I couldn't just let myself remain blissfully ignorant.

I had some other dreams too, but I don't know that I've ever had a dream quite like that one part.

such a ridiculously great show!

I had to drive an hour to get there, but I took some back roads to skip out on tolls. It wasn't so bad. And then, I experienced the joy of finding parking in my state's biggest city (Portland, ME) on a saturday night. I think I ended up paying about 11$ in some really exciting automated garage. that was an experience.

but anyway. I haven't listened to local music much at all lately. pretty much not at all since middle school, excluding Cosades.

the first band, hitting the stage at 9 was a local metal outfit. not bad, definitely above average and much better than I expected when I saw 7-strings and a lead singer in a Testament shirt. usually metal+local don't mix, but they kept it classy. I mean, a couple riffs and some of the strong structure could use some work, but I'd definitely perfer them to a lot of the generic mainstream metal that gets released these days.

after that, there was a big bang. probably nine or ten people. but there were a lot of varied instruments, which was great. usually I think any band with more than 4 people is a waste of time, but they had back up singers, two guitars, a cello, piano, shakers, xylphone, drummer. the stage was packed, and they switched around instruments for each song. great performance, considering how cramped the stage looked and how hard it must have been to balance the sound. i'm pretty sure the venue was mic'ing things and running everything through a PA.

next up was a sort of reggae/ska influenced punk band. definitely an above average local sound, and very classy. relatively original, to me at least. great attitude and personality, really some excellent musicians. clearly pretty technically precise.

then was the 'headliners,' the label's most popular group. not really into them. they have one song that I like, and they do a sweet cover of Don't Change, but their sound is too mainstream for me. I guess that's why they're the ones pulling crowds and why they're all playing Gibsons.

but anyway. my back was killing me. I think this is the first time I've stood up so long since Warped Tour '0...7? Not sure. I haven't been to a concert at all since Alkaline Trio/Saves the Day/Nightmare of You in May, and before that, I think the last show I went to was Coheed & Cambria/Trivium/Slipknot in February. which would mean Warped Tour was definitely '06 one year and '07 the next. other than that, I haven't been to any local shows since middle school five years ago. but anyway, I sat at the Trio and Slipknot shows, and I haven't been on my feet much lately. so tired.

and since they somehow managed to get it all ages, they had to put the -21s on one side of the hall where there weren't any chairs. I really wish I had just told the door guy I was 21, he definitely would've believed me. I kind of had to tell him I wasn't 21 when I was paying since he tried to let me in with a drinking pass. silly me hahah

and then cosades took the stage!

it's hard to say how much they've changed since they broke up when I was 15 and nobody ever went to Portland shows when we were in middle school. I mean, locally, Portland is the only place to see bands these days, but there are a few clubs in my town, and one used to play local stuff a lot. they've closed down since, so really there's nowhere but Portland these days. but anyway, the lead singer, Kyle was apparently sick. I'm not going to lie, I spotted him near the stage at one point and stared a little, and he definitely looked like he was resisting the urge to vomit. he had a bucket on stage with him just in case haha.

but they still played an amazing show. I think that they've performed one show (a practice yesterday) in the past four years. the original drummer was there, but only because when Kyle was in high school, he recorded an EP by himself and made his brother do the drums for him. it's technically the first Cosades release, but it was self-published and I honestly think I'm the only person that listens to it (or them, really) these days. but anyway, when Cosades was signd to their label and put out their two albums, they had a different drummer. I guess they must've taught his brother the stuff when they practiced or something.

the lead guitarist switched guitars, I think. pretty sure he used to play a Telecaster and he was working a Stratocaster tonight. still, they sounded great. really really great if you consider that Kyle plays a jazz guitar which is prone to excessive feedback when combined with high-gain distortion. I play a very similar guitar and I hvae no idea how he managed to get as little feedback as he did considering how much distortion he had.

as requested, I took a ton of pictures :D and a couple videos, but I guess it was way too loud since they're all crackly. only one came out okay, when they're playing an intro. I think there should be another intro I recorded that should be okay but I didn't see it when I glanced at videos before e-mailing them to myself for upload.

I guess the pictures are really big? oh well. I'm too lazy to insert more than one anyway. I'm sure they'll end up better sized when I throw them on myspace. I guess I'll also get the names and links to the bands' profiles later on too.

ridiculously, ridiculously, ridicuously great night. except for the 'headliner' band, I was really surprised by how much I enjoyed the local stuff.

so, one of my favorite bands happen to be local. they're this sort of jazz-alternative band. they have a pretty unique sound, and their music really speaks to me. I listen to them on a daily basis.

the only thing is, they were never all that popular. they had some great press, and some great promotion, but they could never really ever draw a crowd. they signed to a local label and released two albums before breaking up on february 14th 2006. their last show was 21+. I was 15 at the time.

I had come to terms with the idea that I'd never see them live. I really liked their music, but it looked like there was just no way to ever see them. I came to terms with that.

but it looks like their label convinced them to play a set tomorrow for the label's fifth anniversary.

I'm not missing this for the world.

but I don't feel obligated to let it bother me because I keep catching myself. and even if I do fall, I can almost always get up again.

I feel like I could make a darling pillow book, if I tried. but I'd have to try. and even if it would be pretty, I don't think it'd mean as much because I'd have tried. or are you supposed to try hard on a pillow book?

it's weird to fall out of rhythm when you never saw yourself as having a rhythm to begin with. I mean, there's no right or wrong way to get dressed, but as I was getting dressed today, I realized that I usually do it in a certain way and that I wasn't doing it in that way today. at the same time, I couldn't quite think of what I was doing wrong or how to do it right.

it was very awkward. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, but like I stopped at some point and couldn't pick it up again. it feels like...if you were to keep track of a beat in your leg without noticing, and then lose the beat. you just sort of stop for a second and forget the rhythm, and then when you try to pick it up again, you can't quite figure out what it was because you were never really aware of it in the first place.

I should have gotten stronger medicine.

I think instead that I'll count how many pills I have left and slowly stop taking it. that'll be my new years resolution.

the part I left out last night is the part where I admit I'm an addict and that the drugs are a crutch. I'm fully aware of this, and again, if they weren't working, I'd be troubled by this. they've sort of slacked off in strength now that I've used them for a few weeks, and the dosing is kind of perfect, but I really want a higher dosing, so I can go back to how incredibly muted everything was for the first few days. that's pretty bad, right?

but anyway. the drugs work pretty flawlessly at the strength they're on, except for this one girl. she sent me a text message and i feel like I'm not even on the drugs. powerful stuff? she has such ridiculous timing. always.

I'm starting to think I won't be able to get into school for this spring, and probably certainly won't be able to get out of the house. If I can't get out to school, then everything falls through, and it's clear that I'm a fool for putting so much import on college. I don't need school to leave the house and get a job, but it makes things so much easier that I just don't even want to bother if I have to work that much harder.

And then there's those addictions I kicked a few months ago. There's a void still, I guess. or is there, now that I'm on these 'healthy' drugs? all of my chain smoking and drinking last year was self-medication, but all I've done is replace self-medication with something that probably won't have adverse effects on my health down the road.

last year, this time, I was getting excited for a week long stay in a cabin with the people I hung out with. we rented a place in the mountains, bought 400$ of booze and were anxiously awaiting a week long party. it made december much less painful because I had something to look forward to, and it ended up being a great time and we decided we'd make it a tradition. even if we were doing it again, I had turned them down because I felt obligated to stand up for myself, and because I don't drink anymore. but that doesn't change the fact that I have fond memories of a time that I spent miserable, that the days when I was looking for a way to kill myself are fondly remembered as more fun than this.

so there's really nothing to look forward to. I'll be nineteen this weekend, and I'm as much a mess as ever after this text today. really, have I said she has awful timing? the 24th is the 3 year anniversary of my older brother's death.

and I think I'm getting a cold.

I feel like cursing. I gave up cursing, for the most part, a week or two ago.

nothing to do today. it was awkwardly warm outside, and i've been awkwardly cold inside all day. there's been nothing to do, and I've been tired and sleepy. bad taste in my mouth. and now she wants to talk to me again.

I feel like I can barely write, and that's always frustrating. I have zero ideas. I'm wondering how much effect is the medication.

I finished another Black Company omnibus, but it's just the first half of a sequence, so I have to wait until January for plot resolution.

I guess when it rains, it pours.

but I'm still thankful, I think. I refuse to let this all drag me down the way it used to. I'm level 23 on gamespot after four years. if she sent me a text, it means I'm on her mind, even if I have no clue how or why, or how I should reply to someone that can bring me so down with less than twenty words. this latest Black Company omnibus that I read (Glen Cook, the author, has a style I very much love and enjoy), I had to wait a year for anyway. another month for the next half of the saga isn't so bad. and also, my christmas shopping is out of the way.

I refuse to let any of this pull me down. I believe in me. do you?

hahah sorry about the gloom post. I was really down for a few minutes there, but I think I'm feeling better now. I need to stop worrying about the future and 'go with the flow'.

I'm very thankful for that advice. It came at a great time :)