10.



Nick Carter-Can you say "fake thug"? Not if I kick your teeth in, you can't. That's what I would like to do to this buttwhipe. First, he gets rich by being a sissy and exploiting the idiocy of the 12 year old girl/25 year old gay man. Then, when that fad washes out, he tries to become a whigger. If I ever met Nick Carter in person, I would wait for him to walk past me, then i would bludgeon him with my shoe.

9.



Kevin Pollack-For some reason, Kevin Pollack just pisses me off. He is an OK comedian, but he plays the same snide, smug butthole in every movie. The only way I can watch a movie with Kevin Pollack in it without breaking cinder blocks over my head in anger is if I have 3 Italian baronesses "entertaining" me while I'm watching it.

8.



Michael Moore-I hate this fat, lying piece of human garbage. If he ever came up to me and wanted to put me in one of his movies, I would grab his camera and shove it sideways up his bulbous ass. I'm sure it would easily fit.

7.



Mo'Nique-Now, I'm not a racist by any means. In fact, I've donated many ounces of VG Juice while watching Halle Berry ride Billy Bob Thronton like a unicycle. But I hate this freaking woman. She's one of those chicks that still thinks she's sexy, despite the fact that she's a fat pig. Yep, there is nothing sexier than a woman whose neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. Since I don't believe in violence towards women, I would probably hire some really ratty homeless girl to bite Mo'Nique right in the face.

6.



Scott Stapp from Creed-Religious rockers......gimme a break. Rock is supposed to be about OD'ing on smack, taking a piss on your passed out girlfriend, and, above all else, worshipping Satan! And nothing is worse than a guy who wears decorative rings and bracelets.

5.



The Queer Eye guys-I HATE gay people who only talk about one thing: being gay. I don't hate ALL people, just goons like these guys, who exploit their homosexuality so they can make a ton of money, then blow that money on turtlenecks, leather shoes and KY Jelly. I hope these guys get hit buy a bus driven by Ted Nugent.

4.



Stephen A. Smith-This jackass is hardly a celebrity, but I put him on the list anyways. Another guy with a fake attitude. He is always yelling at everyone, disregarding their opinions, and just acting like an ass (Hey, hey acts just like me!). He and Jim Rome use these "in your face" attitudes, mainly so they can stand out in the crop of generic sports commentators. I hope Mike Tyson bites Stephen A Smith's nose off.

3.



Bono-Bono doesn't mind doing nice things for people, as long as EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT IT. This guy is such a publicity hound. He's very good at what he does though, which is, making tons of money by doing charitable things. What a stand up guy. He helps the needy, then speeds away in his solid gold car.

2.



Brett Favre-I have to skip my rant about Favre, since I could say something that I might regret. Just know this: I hate Brett Favre with every fiber of my being.

1.



Paris Hilton-I'm waving my "No chick hitting" rule here, since she's not even really a woman. She is a harpy sent from hell to destroy America by being the epitome of why every country in the world hates us. She is idolized for millions for being nothing more than a spoiled, above average looking legspreader. She shows up to premieres of events she has nothing to do with, just so she can pose for pictures, and pretend to be upset when she gets into her limo and you can see her bare snatch.

When I was in high school, there was this friend of mine named Kenny. I would mess with this kid constantly. I hid a pack of frozen hot dogs in his backpack, and they melted and ruined a couple of his important worksheets. I pushed him out of his desk once, and he smacked his head on another desk, and just laid there holding his head. When the teacher walked in, she asked Kenny whatr had happened, and he said he tripped or something. I was never a "Bully" to him, I just liked messing around with him. I remember we went to a monster truck show at the Metrodome, and it was the worst thing I have ever been to. Not only was it the loudest god damned thing I have ever heard, but none of the trucks tipped over, nobody got crushed, and there weren't any huge fires or explosions. What a ripoff.

Buy it, punks!

Do you guys know when that show is on?

Seriously though, what the hell is ESPN's problem? Why do they insist to beat their viewers over the head with constant promos for any new original series/crappy TV movie they come up with? We get it, you want people to watch the show, but when you give us 7 commercials for it during a one hour SportsCenter, the viewers get sick of the show before even watching it. God it just pisses me off.

So a while back, I was invited to a sleep over birthday party at a friends house. And this party absolutely kicked ass. His parents went upstairs all night, and they let us do whatever the hell we wanted. I remember playing General Chaos and NBA Live 95 all night, and playing football in their rec room. We would run down the hall, dive onto the bed, and then on the way down, try to catch the football. I dove a little too hard, and slid completely off the bed, and put a huge dent in their wall with my head, it was awesome. We stayed up all night eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and drinking Dr. Pepper. Then we watched that movie Clueless for some reason. We would all lay down on the floor, with the lights out, and one guy would try to walk through the room, while the others would just try to kick the crap out of him and trip him. I got about 10 minutes of sleep that whole night, then was wrecked the whole day after from consuming mass quantities of peanut butter cups.

I am REALLY starting to hate winter right now. And I really don't know why. I have gotten a couple days off work because of it, and I have never hated winter before, but for some reason, I just want Old Man Winter to have a massive heart attack, fall down a flight of stairs, and right into a bear trap. And it's only going to get worse, since Friday, Saturday and Sunday are all supposed to be below 0. I'm talking HIGH temperatures of -5 and -7. But hey, there is a good side to low temperatures: free QPC's. Yep, MCDonald's is running their promo where if you buy a Quarter Pounder with Cheese at regular price, you get a second for the temperature at noon the previous day. So if it was 4 degrees on Monday at noon, you'll get your second QPC for 4 cents on Tuesday. Sweet.

But anyways, back to winter. I am hating it right now. I wish it was March right about now, for a couple reasons:

1. MVP Baseball 2005 comes out around that time
2. NFL free agency in full swing
3. I'll still be high from my Vikings winning the Super Bowl
4. NFL draft only a month and change away (can you tell I'm a sports rube?)

I guess I keep thinking that as soon as summer comes, I'll have the whole summer off, as if I was in high school. Not true. I'll still be stuck delivering meals to old people. Unattractive old people. It would be different if there were a couple hot ones, you know, some 70 year olds with a little jiggle left in their Jello, but no, I get stuck with the hump backs, the hair lips, and the one whose elbows look like cinder blocks.

I grew up in a ratty, nasty ass trailer park, with a bunch of ratty, nasty ass friends. We were all dirty bastards. Behind the trailer park was a mattress store, and one day, they threw a way a bunch of mattresses which I guess were defective or urined stained or something, I don't know, we didn't really check. So me, Chris (the tough one), Matt (the nerd), Mike (the athletic one), Jesse (the big one), Peef (Jesse's brother) and my brother Andy (the stupid one) stacked up a couple mattresses, and decided we were gonna make a high jump. So we got a bunch of old buckets and a really long broom handle, and made our own high jump. It was damn fun. After the novelty of the high jump wore off, we used the mattresses as wrestling rings, and I remember Mike giving me a tombstone piledriver on one, and it hurt like hell. I sold that thing like crazy until my mom came out and drug me back inside. Ahhh, those were the days.

Was in 8th grade. I remember it well, mainly because it wasn't a typical day. I had some stupid class where we had to throw an after school party for some reason. So we held it outside, and it had your typical 8th grade bullcrap: horribl pop music, "dancing", candy, and, at the time, Pokemon card raffles. Well, like 15 people showed up, and most of them didn't like pokemon, so I figured I would rig the raffle and make sure I won the cards. I took the 6 names out of the stupid fish bowl they had set up and threw them all away, and put my name on 6 different slips. I guess the teacher wasn't smart enough to check all the names, because I won. Well, afterwards, I ate like 3 packs of Airheads and a 6 pack of Dr. Pepper, and threw up all over this kid Shawn's backpack. It was sweet. And if you're wondering what happened to those Pokemon cards, I sold them to some 7th grader, then threw the cards out the school bus window.

It was nice to see my favorite National Football League team come away with a hard fought victory over the Green Bay Packers. Both teams brought their A game, gave it 110 percent, and left it all on the field. I congratulate Packers fans on a great season, and wish them luck in their future endeavors. Brett Favre is truly a football icon, and a man who deserves even more praise than what he already receives in the media. I for one, hope he comes back next year, because I love to watch him play.

"What are you doing?"
"I'm probing your mind..."
"My mind's up here, sweetheart."

"I can't have sex with her, she's the high priestess. It would be like having sex with my mother--and you know how much I hate that."