S_o_G / Member

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S_o_G Blog

I'm not sure If I'm past it yet...

I still have a small stomach ache, I wasn't able to sleep but for a few hours, not even hours more like an hour, I kept having weird thoughts.

And we've tracked down the true source of such an extreme change in my attitude, I'm been taking a Pill called Wellbutrin to keep from smoking, Having wicked urges to smoke *probly most of all because of my dad slowly dieing*

But any ways It would turn out that The side affects include Major Panic Attacks,Aniexty Attacks, Nausea, Vomiting,Restlessness, Major inabbility to sleep...ect Basicly every thing I felt during these 6 days, Are basicly every side affect Welbutrin is capable of.

So that is the major reason I've gone through this, But I would like to think 2 things, First all the frustration, and angry over my dad being sick, All my walls of protection we're finally broken down, But that wasn't good cause instead of a slow steady fear, and anger, and sadness, It was all at once, I couldn't manage it.

Another is god wanted me home, He wanted me to stop avoiding him, and not fullfilling my purpose.

I Will tell you this, And a testament to god now, That I don't know If I believe in him, I don't know If I have the strengh and Spiritual Maturity to love, and give my life to him, But I've started down the road of faith once again in my life, by Reading the purpose driven life, and By reading the new testament, And I won't be turning back, Because throughout the 6 days of pain, and fear, Reading those books helped me.

So This is the new start of my new faith life:)

Still haven't shaken this feeling.

Its all most as though the feeling has changed, I have a stomach ache infact i've had one for the past few days, I've not eaten much, some thing i've got to change or ill get sick.

I've been reading a purpose driven life, its a christian guide book on how to live for god, and use your own unique abbilities in the service of god, The gideons *a bible orgnization* was at my nephews bus stop today handing out mini bibles of the new testiment, So I've started reading that, And the biggest prayer I've had is please god take away this fear, and doubt, and confusion and worry that is causing me all most physical pain. Its selfish to ask for it, but its so hard to live through.

In the end I think my only prayer is for god to give me the strengh to figure out if i wanna live in his service, and for him, and love him, and trust him again.

I've been atheist for so many years, But I think deep down, I still believed, I just made a consience *not sure if i spelt that right* to not practice my whorship, and avoid god.

I'm still not even sure he's real. I just I don't know. At first I thought the fear and worry was about my own eventual death. But at times during this pain i wish for it to all end, And I try to squash that thought, and it usually doesn't come back. Now I can't tell what the fear and worry is about, Its more of an aprehensiveness now.

I'm gonna try speaking to my pastor *my parents are lutheran* cause I think I really just need some one to talk too.
If any one has some advice, Im more then willing to listen.

Didn't get out to the garage as planned...

Never really got around to working on the garage, just kept puting it off, then this whole bout of fear and worry hit me, so I tottally didn't do anything, I'm hoping its gone my stomach doesn't hurt, But my feelings of happiness and content haven't come back. I just woke up, cause I was finally able to get to sleep, earlier.

I love you mili:)

I just hope those feelings dont come back, or not any time soon, cause god they we're so unnerving.

Mili don't feel useless ok? your not useless:) your a wonderful sexy, beautiful girl, my wife, as long as you love me, I'll be through any thing, your gods gift just for me:)

Never Really got to that garage.

Never really got around to working on the garage, just kept puting it off, then this whole bout of fear and worry hit me, so I tottally didn't do anything, I'm hoping its gone my stomach doesn't hurt, But my feelings of happiness and content haven't come back. I just woke up, cause I was finally able to get to sleep, earlier.

I love you mili:)

I just hope those feelings dont come back, or not any time soon, cause god they we're so unnerving.

Noticed a trend.

Why do the Mods in offtopic post in topics with one word replies and such? I mean state why it was locked, then lock it.
Its rather hypocritical that mods can spam like that, yet regular users can't.

Listening to ICP, IT would seem I might just be over my fear of death today, not sure though. I'll get back to you all later.

Created this earlier at playdo grafiti.

http://graffiti.playdo.com/

I can't seem to shake an everlasting worry and fear of my death

I don't know why, Lately, for the past 2 days or so I've been in an nerve racking worry and fear about death, you know fear of crying kind, And its ticking me off, I'm getting mad, cause i can't seem to get past the feeling of worry and fear of my own death.

Its not a specific thought, its just the emotion thats attacking me, And making me so mad, I want to cry, but i don't when i start it ends all most immediately, And I'm sick of not just crying for a few hours to get it out of my system, the tears wont come, even when they are on the verge of it all.

My mom thinks that maybe deep down, I had a hope my dad would get better, but now that all his stuff is back, that hope disappeared and now my strength is falling in on it self, and im falling apart.

Its such a sad thing, I'm listening to Cold Play right now, And I want to cry, but the tears don't come, I break down and cry for only for a minute, then its gone, and I just feel sick cause of worry and fear, I don't fear my dads death but my own, I fear the unknown right now, I just can't shake it, If i was Christian maybe praying would help, but reading the bible wont help me much.

I just wish I could shake this feeling, this fear, this worry, its not supposed to be there, im 22 years old, i have a long time left on this earth, I should enjoy it, But the worry, and fear is so much, im all most paralyzed from going outside, I have to go to work tomorrow, I don't know If I'm gonna make it. cause im so damn scared. I try every thing to stop thinking about it, but its all ways there.

Im not sure if ill go to work tomorrow, the fear is so much that i shake. But i can't cry, I get sad, but i don't cry, and its annoying, I just want to cry, I want to let it all out, but whenever I try it never happens.

My dad is dieing, the government is screwing us over, the world is a cruel place, I can't believe in a god, cause I can't believe he'd let this happen to people. and I despair, Over things that I can't control.

Am I insane? Am I loosing grips, am I going into a depression, I just don't Know, Please let me cry I just want to cry...but..it never comes.

Money Problems

All ready got a person lined up to buy my ps2 and ps2 game collection, So I won't be able to fill in my game collection for ps2 on here.

Got about 500-600 for the whole collection, and ps2, just gotta make the deal. I just can't part with my gamecube or xbox though, but if things keep like they are *government being jerks, look below for answers* then I'll have to sell em.

Just about near to beating Sudeki, I don't get how people can rate the game so low, and how every one claims it has bad frame rates, I mean I must have a super xbox compared to them, Because i've only noticed 2-3 times that the frame rate has droped in the game, When there was over 20 characters on screen, and when there was a place the game wasn't programed to load properly, Thats the only time i've seen bad frame rates, every other time in the game the game has run smooth, and pretty, the sound is great, and the gameplay is great, Its taken me 20 hours to do it too, every one else says they beat it in 10, Which they must be super game players, Because some of the battles we're hard, Specially the last boss, whom keeps hiting me for 600 hp, and he has one move that takes me down to 1 hp, So I had to load an earlier save point.

I have money, just not as much as I'd like, I will be giving about 60-70% of my next check to my parents, MAN i hope the government gives us a freaking break, or they are gonna send us into poverty, But thats bushes plan isn't it? line his own pockets for as long as possible while he's in office.

Got in a fight with mili last night, We'll not really a fight, but me yelling at her, cause she wont stop listening to her parents opinions, and she cares way to much about the opinions of other people, Too often her parents treat her like crap, and she still listens to them, The bible says love thy father and thy mother, honor them, it doesn't say a damn thing about agreeing with them.

But she just can't get it, that she shouldn't listen to them when they say bad things about her, I told you straight up I wont let them do that are are children when we have them, She broke down in tears at one point, maybe I shouldn't have gotten so mad, But i've sat here for 2 years and 3 months listening to her ***** about them, and I've tried my best to get her to stop listening to them, but she just wont stop.

She says she's worried we are gonna fight alot, and maybe we will, But thats how love works, if there are no fights then there is really no love in the end, *pops his fingers*.
Geting in fights makes me wish I hadn't quit smoking, I was much more melow when smoking, But hey its bad for you and I needed to stop.

Don't got work today, So I'm gonna help my mom and sister, FINALLY go through her garage, The apartment we live in lets you rent out garages, we've been renting 2, at 6 dollars, and 120 dollars is money we just can't spend. So We are gonna go through the one garage with my sisters stuff in it, throw away what needs throwing away, and then once we have a warm strech of days, we are gonna go through the other garage, which has all the stuff from the house in it, Which it has alot of stuff really, I mean ALOT OF stuff, We should have gone through it a long time ago, but we just never had the chance.

Once we go through that garage and throw the stuff away that we dont need any more, we are gonna see about having an auction, theres alot of old stuff in there, specially the old rail road working stuff my dad has from his dad, whom used to work the railroads and road ways of missouri. Maybe it will be of value to collectors and we can get some money from it.

Once we get it cleaned out, we can go to 1 garage instead of 2, that way we can save 60 dollars a month. But if things keep being tight cause of the government we will have to find a new place, And we've lived here for 9 or more years, There aren't many places to live at in noblesville, Let alone in hamilton county.

We'll thats really all thats happening right now, besides the sutff thats below. Now I do spell check.
Oh I gained lvl 7 today.

The whole terrible story of this year.

It all started around February, My dad was having problems with a blockage in his intestinal tract, The doctor decided hey he must need laxatives, We'll they gave him some strong ones, A blockage of the intestines tends to make your stomach swell, So he gave my dad extra strong laxatives to alleviate this.

Around this time, My grandmother *my fathers mother* Died, So we had to go back, This entire time my dads stomach kept swelling, he would have bad back aches *all ways has had bad back aches cause he has very bad back* We we're there for a week or 2, there to bury my grand mother and dad just kept getting worst.

We came home and my mom forced dad to make an appointment with his doctor, Dr. Harris. My dad is a stubborn man, so he had to be forced, Well Harris couldn't figure out what was wrong, so he went back to his gastralmoligist, well the doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong, so they set him up for some x-rays, IT turned out he had cancer on his windpipe, which extended into his left lung, This cancer was creating what they call small cell cancer, that was traveling through the body, and infecting his intestines, they can fix lung cancer some times, but small cell cancer is incurable, this small cell was infecting his liver, which was causing what they called Weeping liver.

Weeping liver is when the liver leeks out the byproduct juices it is supposed to normally process into the body, this was why he was blocked, Because his intestines we're basically floating up and being compressed, He had gained near 100 lbs from this, So They did a procedure the name escapes me, where they take several vacuumed jars, they use a contraption to drill into your abdomen, thus creating a conduit for which to insert a line, into the liquid, then they stick this line into the jars and open them, the vacuum sucks out the fluid.

He had over 8 gallons of fluid drained from him that day, He since has had something like 2-3 drainings, The first agenda was to get him into a cancer program, Dr Harris handles all most all medical matters for the administration of Hamilton county, And because of this he had long ago, stopped handling the matters of his patients at the hospital, HE outsourced a man named Dr lee to handle his hospital business for his patients. We'll my dad was still employed by the government at this time, He was given a time set of some thing like 6 months to a year to live, well we have a lot of bills, Left over from matters in the past, and My dad wanted Dr lee and Harris to give a statement and proof that he would be dead in a year to his issuance company, so they could give a incremental prepayment, We'll Dr lee couldn't even do it right, Dr Harris contacted them right, But Dr Lee couldn't even do his job right, So they refused the payment.

We'll because of the cancer my dad had to retire from work *scum sucking government of the us* he worked basically as an accountant for the government, as a civilian at Fort Benjamin Harrison in Indiana, We'll in the time of getting sick, and having to retire he found out truly what kind of people he had worked for nearly 30 years with, Scum sucking Jerks that couldn't even Donate a few hours of leave, so my dad could stay on paid leave, so he could support his freaking family, Only about 5-6 people donated time, people that are truly friends, there are over 1000 people employed in the building he worked at, about 50 of those work in the same office as him, 6 PEOPLE DONATED he had helped so many there, knew so many, and this is what they did.

We'll In retiring he would have to sign up for social security disability, but all so he would have a pension, But some idiots in the government make it impossible for a government civilian worker to collect on social security disability and a pension at the same time, *scum sucking us government say a military, navy, army government worker can, but not a civilian* The social security money would actively be taken out of his pension, We'll we had to deal with that, In the mean time he had to take chemo therapy, which made him sicker then a dog. He couldn't eat cause every thing tasted bad, even pure filtered water tasted bad.

So we had to deal with this all, All of it, that was ok, WE had each other, We'll in the mean time, the government in there infinite wisdom still hadn't even calculated how much pension he should get, But in there own bungle they send us 1500 in social security and an interim payment for 2000, Well by this time they have told us that dads cancer is in remission, basically ending the weeping liver, but he still had micro cancer cells on his lungs, So radiation therapy would be used, On his chest and brain, The reason they had to do it on his brain is because chemo is a poison, it acts like a shield that concentrates on cancer cells, the rest of his body was safeguarded but his brain was not, the brain has a layer of blood that filters out all most all poisons, So only radiation therapy could be used.

So while paying for these medical bills, apartment bills credit card bills...ect basically living, he starts to take radiation therapy, We'll GUESS THE HELL WHAT, he has started to bloat again, So he goes in for tests *he's had so many blood transfusions because of the chemo killing his white blood cells, and he's had so many tests he’s sick of it* They say his cancer is back, small cell cancer has invaded him again, So they decide in there infinite wisdom *doctors sure are idiots* to give him even stronger chemo, But this chemo is not compatible with brain radiation therapy so they cant do that, They will continue the radiation on his lungs, but that is it.

We’ll The day after this we get a letter from the government, basically stating they made a mistake, And sent us 3500 dollars, THEY WANT US TO pay it back, Not only that, My dads insurance company which has been giving small interim payments, basically wants his doctors to contact him, to make sure he’s not faking sickness, because insurance companies are jerks, and humanity is a disease.

So basically My father is sick, He is going to die, But before he dies the government wants to Work him over, with bills that in the end are the fault of them, They sent us the money, and didn't catch it till 2 months afterwards, we have used that money to pay for medical bills *which is getting up in the range of 50,000 dollars now, they charge my dad 200 dollars to sit in a chair, JUST in the chair, when he takes the chemo, they actually charge him 200 dollars to sit in a chair* and to pay for this apartment, and credit cards, and to buy food, But no! The government wants that money back, IT doesn't matter that they we're the ones that made the mistake, WE have to pay it back, even though we have NO MONEY, and the scum sucking government of America will make sure we pay it back, they will cully any monetary assets my dad has, just to line there own pockets.

So that’s it, My dads life sucks, the chemo is doing nothing, radiation is a flawed science that not even the doctors understand, and the government is killing this family, I’m going to have to sell my video games, to help around here, cause my job doesn't pay the most, And dam it life sucks.

Why we are in an apartment.
Its a long story that starts with the fact that we had 2 acres of land in the country around Noblesville, We had a 1 story house, 3 bedroom.ect We'll back in like 1987 or around, are house was burnt, The structure and struts all survived, but we lost all most every thing, else, We we're able to salvage some things though, we'll the insurance company s'rewd us in many areas *my dads gun collection, a total of 10 guns of different types he had refurbished, but the insurance company refused to pay for them* but in all we did get enough money to help us rebuild.

We’ll the contractors cleaned things up, redid every thing, and it would seem every thing was fine for us, BUT WRONG, Contractors are stupid, they will cut ends any way possible, and report more money was needed so they can line there own pockets, Do you know what your supposed to do when you build a house, all most all houses have a crawl space or basement, When you have this, You build the house on a slight mound, so that water flows away, not this house, it was built into an indentation, Which caused the crawl space to flood often, We'll you haven't seen a house slowly get ate away by mold, but I have, and my whole family is allergic, we we're often sick because of the mold, dry wall gets ate away by mold, So in the process mom and dad collected evidence to sue the contractor to redo the job, *to give an example of how bad it was, if you’ve ever seen a walk in pantry before? We’ll its basically a cold dry place to store food, we'll are pantry was green, with all most an inch thick of mold every where, this is how bad it was*

We’ll in the process of suing them, my insane sister Sherah *she’s not insane, she’s just had many problems in her life, least of which being molested by 2 different people, an uncle, and a family friend whom she baby sited for often* decided to light the house on fire, We'll this didn't destroy things, but damn it sure did ruin the house. We'll she was arrested for arson, and spent 5-6 years in jail, we'll the insurance company didn't want to pay this time, *then again they hardly paid us the last time* They tried to accuse us of putting Sherah up to it, We'll in between the talking to the lawyer about suing the contractor *lol lawyers charge some thing around 500 dollars just to talk to them for an hour, hell they charge like 100 to write a letter* So we had to sue the insurance company to get are money, *we put suing the contractor on hold* We'll in all of this, worry about the house, suing them, WE missed a few too many mortgage payments, we never did get are money, and we lost are house and land.

That is why we are in this apartment have been living here for like 9 years now.

So in condensed form, life sucks, my dad is dieing, the government in screwing us, people suck, the American government sucks, and I’m getting so sick of it.

I would rather be honest...

I would rather be honest then tell lil white lies to spare others feelings, what would be the point? the truth comes out in the end, why would some one want me to tell lil white lies, and then when the truth comes out, they hate me for it.

Instead of just telling the truth in the first place, I mean Mili likes all these naughty sexy things, yet she thinks a few of the things I showed her are slutty? I mean she cant even tell me what her concept of slutty is. I mean I asked her last night and she couldn't even give me an answer, Whats the sense of thinking somethings slutty if you dont even have an opinion on what slutty to you is.

At one point Shes like they look slutty cause its the type of stuff christina agulara wears*our however u spell her name*, and I'm like hun? christina basicly wears half the stuff you wear, so all most half the stuff you wear is slutty.

She wears pushup bras, she wears thongs, she wears sexy lil see through nighties, so basicly half the stuff you wear is slutty, cause she wears it, And half the time, Mili bases it not on what it looks like, but the attitude and look of the woman.I mean seriously How can u base the look of clothes on who wears them? I mean thats like saying, Chinese food is bad, because the chinese eat it, and they are communist.

The lingerie I showed her that she didn't like, Alot of women wear it. I mean seriously A very large amount of women wear those things, and basicly in her opinion those women are slutty, because of it. I thought the stuff would look good on her. And Frankly I get sick of it alot. cause shes all ways

I'm Ugly, I'm fat, Im stupid, When she knows shes not, She says I wont look good in that, and it pisses me off, Cause I sit here every day Saying i love you, your beautiful, ur sexy, your HOT. and she just wont stop puting her self down, So it makes me feel like. Am I wasting my time saying all this stuff? its not like i say this stuff for my health, i say it cause its true.

I've lived my life since i was 14, being honest, brutally honest if need be, I don't Like to lie, its no point to lie, There are enough liars in the world, If mili wants me to be a liar, then too bad, shes gotta deal with it.

nothing....

Its pretty early in the morning. Listening to powerman 5000 right this 2nd.

I got into a fight earlier with mili, cause i told her she has no taste in naughty sexy lingerie, and its true, i mean she can pick bras, and panties out with teh best of them, but i showed her a bunch of pictures from victorias secret .com and lasenza, and shes all i dont like that, and i dont like that, and that. and im like WTF?

She basicly has showed me what she likes at lasenza, but half the stuff she showed me is worse then what i showed her, shes all like i dont like that stuff cause it looks slutty, and im like why? cause that stuff looks no worse then what u like. I mean a see through african squeen nighty *very see through* is no worse then what i showed her. So i told her she has no taste. and shes all mad now, so oh well. I still stand by my original assertion, shes got no taste in lingerie. specially the naughty sexy kind.

I just dont get women some times.