bensbabygirl

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bensbabygirl Blog

My Anniversary!

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Well the 4th of july was a total waste of a day for me! I didn't do anything! I hated that day with a passion! That was always my favorite holliday but now its a day I wish didn't happen! I didn't get to be with my boyfriend, I didn't get to do anything! Well I did see a total of like 3 small fireworks that was it! Nowour Anniversary is today and I can't even talk to him to tell him happy anniversary! All I ever wanna do is spend time with him and I have made that clear to everyone! I am not going on my family vacation to Cedar point in August just because I don't wanna be any farther away from Ben then I already am! I miss him so much! The day we first started going out was so great to me and I was so happy I can remember but today I am even happier then I was that day! I have gotten to know Ben more then anyone! I have found so many more great things in him that in that time of my life I never knew was there! We have changed eachother over our time together into people we never thought we could possible become! My life with Ben is really an adventure in its own making! I stop to see what I have in him and I wounder "what else do I need I already have everything I want in him" He is perfect! Well I think I will stop with the sappiness I don't want you all to get to sick of me too soon! Well I love you Ben and I hope you read that! I am gonna marrie you! Like you stated clearly! ^^ Happy anniversary Ben! PEACE OUT!

Sam's B-day party

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Well yesterday was fun! I went to Samuel's B-day party and got to hand out! I made him a card that was goofy! It had a picture of him with a crown on and a pigeion on his shoulder! His nick name is pigeon king so thats what made me decide to make that card! lol! Lots of people were there! We sat in his basement and played soul calibar 2 and DBZ legends! It was fun! Oh and best of all Ben was there! We sat with eachother on the couch and I was so happy! We got to talk and everything! He was poking me and trying to tickle me, which I don't know why but it made me really happy! Then he was holding my hand and kept kissing my sholder! I swear when that all happened I almost started crying I had missed him so much! but instead I tryed to cover it up by pinching his nipples or hitting him with a pillow! I don't know why I do that when I am scared but I have the tendency to beat Ben up! lol! I love him so much though! When ever he would sit and look at me I felt like melting! His smile was seriously making me wanna cry! I can go through all of this crap and just the slight sight of his face gives me this feeling in my stomic, my body starts to tingle and my chest starts to hurt! I always wanna just cry in his arms but I am acctually doing pretty good at not crying latley! Thats a BIG thing for me because I'm a big cry baby! lol! Just feeling his touch ment so much to me!He gives me that feeling that no one in the world matters except us, when he looks at me! He looked at me and pointed at his cheek and gave me his cocky little smile and just kept pointing at his cheek! God I would have made out with him if it was somone elses party but I was to scared some one might tell of get Ben in more trouble! But he didn't care so I just gave him a little kiss! lol! When he told me he loved me it had been so long since I heatd him say that, that is tore through me! I kept telling I loved him the whole night! I missed telling him that! It felt good to be able to do that! I left at 10pm because my ride was late! But then I got home and wanted to dance around the living room! I LOVE BEN! Well I guess that is it I will just go sit and think about my baby boy instead of bothering you with it! PEACE OUT AND ROACK ON FOREVER!

My space!

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HEY PEOPLES GET A USER NAME ON MY SPACE AND LOOK ME UP OKAY!

look me up at http://www.myspace.com/bens_baby_rockergirl

Storm

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Well the storm last nigtht was freakin scary! Our tornado alarm want off three times and we could hear them going off in other towns around us! When it went off our next door nabor, some old man went running across the street to his sons house who has a basement! lol! Of course me and my grandpa were the only people in the world dumb enough to stand out side in a storm and watch it! The wind was so strong we couldn't even stand up in it at one point! Then lightening struck really close to our house and me and my papa jumped outta our shoes! It hit our train tracks and made a huge BAM sound like a gun and we were inside before you knew it happened! I was so scared I was shaking and could hardly breath! I hate it when storms like that come around!
C/S

I finally heard from my boyfriend! He wrote me a note that lifted my spirits like a ton! You know he always seems like he is putting himself down when he writes me and I wanna smack him for that! I love him so much and he makes it out like things are his fault when they aren't! He is so perfect to me and has really nothing I would want to change but he keeps changing anyways! He seems like he is always changing for the good and trying so hard! He is such a strong person! The bad thing is that his family is using me against him to make him follow the rules! If he dosen't behave he won't get to see me! They are doing that and they are hurtingme and I am changing for the worst while they are trying to help Ben change for the good! The tell us we are deseaving and all this stuff when what they are doing is just as bad! I miss Ben so much!
C/S

The forth of July is gonna be a stinker for me! I am gonna be home alone with no one to cellibrate with me! Every year that has been the one day Ben and I have got to spend together and I'm not sure if thats gonna go the same this year! To top it off our 1 year anniversary is on the 7th and I won't even get to tell him I love him and happy anniversary! I did get him a card though so I guess that will have to do for now! I wanna die right now! I hurt so much everytime I even think about him I just want it to stop no matter how I have to end it! People say they know how I feel but they don't! The ydon't even know how much I love and am willing to give for Ben's happiness! I thought of so many ways to get out of this but all of them are selfish! If I killed myself I would have to leave Ben all alone to face all of this! Turning his life into hell for my own well being! I will never do that to him! I made that promise to him a long time ago when I attempted it and I don't plan on ever breaking it! I will never leave Ben! Well Today at 7:30 I am going to my friend Samuel's birthday! So I guess I will update later okay! PEACE OUT!

Can you tell that BEN is on my mind! lol!

Youth outting

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Well yesterday my youth had an outting and we went out and had Ice cream! The car ride to the Ice cream shop was pretty long so I got to hear alot from Ben about his trip to Oklahoma and I got to see the pictures of the friends he made there! I was wishing the whole car ride that I had been there but of course it was to late! Next year I can hopefully go and have alot of fun! I want to do the cabin thingy! I love the out doors and cabin type of trips! lol! I finally got to at least give Ben a note and talk to him in the car! He gave me a ring with his name carved in it and that made me really happy! I still haven't taken it off I am wearing it on my thumb! I really am missing Ben so much! Yeah I can look at him and I barely ever get to talk to him! I wanna be able to talk to him and give him big hugs again! I miss it! The most I have touched him latley is like our legs and feet under the table just bariley rubbing! lol! It sucks! Once we got to the Ice cream shop I ordered a hot fudge sundae with whip cream... mmmm! We all sat and ate our Ice creams and talked! I really wanted to talk to Ben more then I did but you know I just figured since our youth pastors were watching us like hawks I wouldn't talk alot! I do admitt other youth groups I have been to are alot more fun at times but I am faithful to my church so I will never leave it! Ben kept bringing up things and didn't finish what he was gonna say to me! He was trying to make it a surprise! Then he teased me and told Sam what he got me for our anniversary and they were laughing about it and rubbing it in! I love Ben so much the big old duffis! He looked so good and... HOTT on our youth outting I was gonna explode! I mean it I just wanted to jump all over him and... do STUFF to him! lol! He is so sweet and perfect! Any how once we got back to the church the youth stayed for an hour and played a game of spoons and of course I was the winner because I'm just good like that! lol! Well I think that is all I wanna talk about for now and I will leave out all the bad things because I'm sure ur sick of me moping around! Well PEACE OUT!

Just board

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Rivers of darkness run from my eyes,

Filling the room draining my life,

Slowly but surly I am drifting away,

To a world of pain were I normally stay.

I sit in a boat, on a lake, all alone,

Surrounded by waters that from pain once flowed,

Okay... well that is all my heart can get right now. I can only express my feelings as I get them right! I'll finish it later! Hopfully it gets better! Poetry is only true when it comes from the real you! Well I will tell more tommorow! I did go on a youth trip today so I will just tell you all about that tommorow! PEACE!

A packed week!

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Well Yesterday me friend Kayla called and invited me over to her house to swim! I went over and me, Stephianie, and Kayla went down her road like a mile to feed her pigs! GOD they were huge! I was scared! They were really stinky too! That wallk like killed us it was almost 99 degrees out and we were sweating buckets! So once we feed her pigs we asked the lady that owned the farm we were at to take us back to Kayla's house! We ended up getting to ride on this big truck thing that was a open back and were enjoying it a little too much! lol! I got sun burnt again and am feeling really sore right now! Once we got back to her place we went out and petted her hourses and got to use whips to keep the goats away! I really don't like many of her farm animals! They are mean! I love her kittys and doggys though! We finally got to swim and were cooled off and then we had a belly smacking contest... I won! My stomic my face and my arms and legs were SO red! I didn't think it hurt to bad but it did knock the air outta ya! I was really the only person there who would go and do a full on belly smacker! I was probley the only one dumb enough to! lol! We got to play with her rabbits which are soooo cute by the way and they really liked me! That was pretty much our day and then we were ready to all go home at like 6:30! lol! It was fun though!

Today I am going to a baby shower that my mom is putting together for my uncle Justin and his girlfriend Tiffany! I have to leave in like a little bit to go help put it together! We are using my church building to set it up in! Well once I get bck I will up date you some more so PEACE OUT AND ROCK ON FOREVER!

ME

Kings Island!

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Well today was pretty fun to start out with! I went to kings Island with Chenell and we road like ALL the water park slides! We spent the whole time at the water park and I am toasted! I have the worst sun burn! I was burnt yesterday and right now I can magnify that times 100! It hurts! My feet are killing me from walking on that hard ground and steping on everything your not supose to! lol! I wore my bikini for the fisrt time without shorts! I didn't like it but Chenell said I looked good so I just let it be! My bikini came off on the big blue water tunnel slides! I was so embaressed! I don't think anyone seen anything but I was still embarissed! lol! We went on the family water slide and the life guard was checking me out! I was so peed off! He kept looking off of the out look and lifting his sun glasses up and looking down my bikini! I couldn't beleive it! He was dumping water on people but did it to me and Chenell the most! Out of all the girls there he had to bother me! I don't like that and Chenell noticed! lol! We got up to the top and he put us on our ride! He went to push us off and was like wait, then he pulled use back! He dumped water all over us! We splashed him and I flipped him off on the way down! lol! I'm so nice! lol! I missed Ben so much after that! I know if he would have been there that wouldn't have happened! I only want Ben looking at me and flirting with me! People say I that that can't be totally true but it is! I only feel conftorbale with Ben like that! I love Ben! He is the most perfectest person for me! I can tell him everything and he will tell me what he thinks! I love that! It is hard to find friends like that let alone my perfect match is that perfect! lol! I am probley driving you all crazy! ^^! I have been finding out who my real friends are latly! Well I am pretty sick of typing so I will get back to you later! PEACE!

Huston woods!

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Well today was a little better and up lifted my mood! I went to Huston woods with my family and my friend Kayla! I had a pretty good time! I went down by the deers and they fellin love with me! They were licking me and following me around! One even attempted to eat my hair! lol! My Step dad fed one of the deers a cigarette and it just chewed it up and enjoyed it! My mom got mad at him and started ignoring him! lol! I also went and seen the animals and got to see them feed a falcon a baby chicken! It made me so sick! I ran off! It plucked one of the eyes out and I was gone in a snap! Everyone else was watching while I was hiding! lol! I went and petted the satin bunny instead! We went swimming on there beach and I got crazy sun burnt! I look like a tomato right now! I am fried! After that we all went and played vollyball! I was the only one who knew what they were doing! (that would have to be a first) lol! The sand was so hot I couldn't stop moving! Kayla and I went out and walked for a while and I forgot my shirt so I got twice as sundurnt! I felt so stupid!

When I got home we did about half an hour of DDR and I was rocking considering I havent played in so long! I had surgery on my ACL at the begaining of the school year so my mobility was limited! I had jumped off a slide trying to do a 360 and land on my skate board and I kinda whipped out! My leg was screwed! I couldn't walk for anything! lol! I am a ditz somtimes! The bad part is that I can barly skateboard and I was already trying new tricks! Think before you act that is good advice! lol! Well I gots to go so I will talk to you later okay! PEACE!

Thanks everybody for being there to help me out! You know who you guys are! you are the coolest!

I hate everyone!

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I don't feel safe, or like I can trust anyone anymore! I don't know who to turn to or what to do to make myself get the f*** over this! I am sick of having my feeling tossed around like a f****** frisby! I try so hard to get over all of this crap but I can't! Honestly I haven't done anything worth while since summer started! Sure my friends take me out and we hang out and I went to a few partys but its all crap! They say I am the life of the party so I have to live up to there expectations but I just do it because I don't wanna be boring or have people asking me "what is wrong?!"

The ONLY person who has been here for me at all latly is Zack! Yeah you Zack! Thanks for talking with me even if you don't know it helps it does! You keep me hoping and expecting things to get better! You are like the brother I wanted! Like you said to me! lol! I am thankful for you being there and helping me! ^^

I miss my boyfriend but I don't know if he even cares anymore it is killing me! I am probley just misunderstanding but I haven't heard a single thing from him! I know his mom won't let him talk to me but I'm sure he can sneek a second of time and send me a little somthing! I don't want it to sound like he isn't a good boyfriend because he is really perfect! Just seems like with all this crap going on and me not being able to talk to him he dosen't really show anything twards it at all! I am confused and don't know what to do! I wine SO much latley about him but I annoy myself in the process! But I guess thats what journels are there for! They don't judge you like the rest of the world!

I have been dieting and have list 4-5lbs! I guess that is good! That is the only thing I am really proud of right now! Well I guess I will shut up now! Write you more later!

PEACE OUT AND ROCK ON FOREVER!!!!^^
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