Yesterday (Friday), one of my young co-workers was raving about how and she and a friend were going out of town this weekend and where they were going, there was a bar where if you got in the door by a certain time and paid a certain cover charge, you could "drink free" all night, including expensive stuff. She was totally psyched about it. I tried to remember a time when I was so stoked about getting drunk.

As the day went on, I kept thinking how long it's been since I've had a drink. By the time it was time to go home, I decided I wanted to have a nice cold drink. I stopped at the gas station to fill up my car and popped inside for a beer. no, no, my gas station doesn't have a bar. They do, however, sell beer. (I didn't feel like buying all of the fixings to make one cocktail, my usual preferred adult beverage.)

You know you're getting old when you stand there calculating the least expensive way to "get a buzz". I could have bought one bottle of beer or two (which is all I wanted) but a 6 pack was cheaper.

I came home, made some dinner, checked email, did some blopping, watched some tv and then cracked open a cold one when the new MONK episode came on. I drank it pretty quickly and it almost immediately started to burn my insides. I didn't feel like drinking any more, watched Monk and felt a little sick to my stomach (not because of the show but because of the beer.) and then drank some water and went to bed as soon as PSYCH was over.

I woke up this morning with a headache and feeling sick. ONE BEER. ONE.

This old body just can't handle it anymore.

Wonder if I can sell 5 unused beers on eBay? :)

I have a crush on a guy at work. I've broken my # one rule about mixing business and pleasure. It's nothing serious -- a dalliance, a distraction... something to help the day go faster.

He's a little older than me, which totally surprises me because I don't really feel attraction to older men. OK, if you can call 43 "older". LOL! Sometimes I forget I'm turning 39 this fall.

I don't really even know how it started. I just know that one day he mentioned the tv show LOST because he saw something on my desk with the DHARMA logo on it and we started chatting about the show, and while we were chatting, I noticed that he had this really nice smile and eyes... and he's smart, which is nice.

Whenever I like someone, I get tongue-tied and nervous and never quite know how to act around them so I've been kind of staying away from him for fear I'll look like an idiot and say something dumb.

Yesterday, I was sitting in my cubicle and he came up behind me and whispered in my ear that the guy who sits three seats behind me was asleep. I jumped because he took me by surprise and then he kept apologizing for scaring me, then we both laughed a little and he wandered off.

Today, he came up to me and said that he heard a rumor that I was leaving the team. So, I told him about my plans to move to the beach and of course, I got really excited and animated and showed him pictures and talked about a mile a minute. He just kept smiling and I felt like a dork. He told me that his sons would love my house and then made a comment about how if he lived there, he'd probably be out on the beach fishing every day. Of course, I suddenly had these images of him at my beach house, with a fishing pole. (shaking head) He told me he was jealous and that I'd better not give him my address when I leave or else he'd be tempted to just quit and run away, too.

Now-- no-- he's not interested in me. He's just a nice guy. He talks to everyone and tries to stop by everyone's desk at least once to say hi and stuff. Still, I look forward to his daily rounds and have found myself making unnecessary trips down his aisle to go make copies, check the fax, etc.

Today, my boss came to me and said that she had a special project for me and said, "You get along pretty well with (insert crush's name), right?" I said, "I don't really know him that well, but he's nice to me." She said, "Well, before you leave the team, I need you to work with him on a special project. I've gotten approval from (insert her boss's name) for you guys to come in on Saturdays and Sundays if you want to work on it when no one is around to distract you."

I felt like the Fates were messing with me. Sure.. sure... I've been in this romantic dry spell for a few years now and just when I'm thisclose to leaving, they introduce me to a nice guy who is funny, smart, nice-looking, and likes LOST.

Of course, he may be married. I don't see a ring but that doesn't mean he isn't. The kids didn't come out of thin air and I can't imagine that he's not involved with someone.

But, it's fun to daydream. :)

Follow up to the gym story - "Nicole" was helpful and resolved my issue in one day. Whew!

Spyrick asked in his latest blog that we post something "earth friendly" we've done in green font color... so here's my entry:

Instead of buying new boxes for my move, I've been collecting boxes from various places at work where old, unwanted boxes go to rest before being tossed into the incinerator and then sent into the atmosphere as air pollution.

The way I see it -- I'm saving them from an untimely death, saving the world from unnecessary fumes and chemicals in the air, and extending their usefulness.

When I finally get to my final destination and unpack everything, I will then post an ad on craigslist letting others who need boxes know that I have some free boxes.

I'm also saving all of my soda cans for my mom. She recycles them for money so every year before I head "home" for a visit, I save all of my cans for a month or two to give her some loose change. My apartment complex doesn't have recycling bins for soda cans and I'm too lazy to drive around town trying to find one, so for a few months a year, I am semi-green. :)

What have you done lately for our environment?

That is how many days are left until I'm living in a beach house. That was also the "high temperature" today according to the local news. The thermometer in my car said it was 92, though.

I posted the following comment to KFCGRAVY in my previous blog and decided to use it to springboard my latest "dream" blog:

"Ang, to be honest, the whole thing is starting to scare the sh*t out of me. I keep running the numbers and I can't believe that after struggling for so many years to get out of debt, I'm finally in a position where I could not stress about money for awhile and enjoy myself and here I am, heading off to parts unknown and pretty much blowing the whole wad by the end of the year. I'm excited and still want to go but part of me is really worried about the prospect of not getting a job right away and/or something "catastrophic" happening and I won't have the funds to cover it because I blew it on moving. I have been cruising the job boards and have even sent emails to a few employment agencies but no one wants to talk seriously until I'm there. ACK! So, it's no wonder I'm having stress dreams. Last night, though, I had a semi-delightful dream.... Maybe it's time for a new blog. "

So -- the semi delightful dream. :)

It was autumn weather. Kinda cool. But, the grass was still green and there were some leaves on trees. I was in this park or field or someplace outdoorsy with this youngish guy and a woman somewhere around my age. The guy was a cute guy -- lanky, boy-man, medium brown hair kinda on the long side, light colored eyes, nice smile, maybe 24 or 25 (def. mid 20s)years old. The woman was slender, pale in complexion and had short black hair, cut in a sleek bob cut. The three of us were wearing jeans, sneakers, sweaters and windbreakers. The place where we were was hilly -- almost mound-like -- and we were "hiking" up the hill. The "boy" was ahead of us, goofing off, kicking up leaves and teasing us about being poky. He was quite light hearted and had an infectuous laugh and smile. When I looked at him, I got warm and tingly feelings. My female friend kept teasing me that "he" liked me and that "he" was showing off for me. I kept getting embarassed and protesting that he was too young for me. The guy pauses to let us catch up and he walks on my left, nudges me and walking into me and trying to trip me. I act annoyed but I'm actually pleased by the attention. My female friend shakes her head and sort of wanders off, leaving me and the boy alone.

He reaches for my hand and pulls me close and says, "Have you thought about what I said?" I look away and try to pull my hand free but he won't let me. He keeps putting his face in front of mine so that I have to look at him. "It won't work. The age difference is too big," I say. He shakes his head and laughs. I say, "Really. When I was your age, I had no clue what I wanted out of life. I'm ready to settle down." He says, "Look, I'm old for my age. I've been a grown up a lot longer than people my age. I'm ready to settle down too. With you." He squeezes my hand and then lets go to put his arm around me. I feel this torn, anguished feeling.

I pull away and move ahead of him. He lets me go but then catches up and says, "Look, I love you. What does it matter how old you are?No one needs to know or care. It's our business." I shake my head and say, "I'm closer to your mom's age than your age. If we have kids, their friends will think I'm their grandma. I just don't want to risk you walking out on me some day because you finally realize that girls your own age are more interesting."

By this time, we had reached the top of the hill and there was a huge tree. He pulled me under the branches of the tree and kisses me. A sweet kiss full of love and intent and hope and desire. I pull back and tell him I love him, too, but that it just won't work.

Then, I run back down the hill.

And wake up. I like dreams with kisses in them. ;)

OK.. since my last blog was such a downer, I'm going to post about more dreams I had.

1) I showed up at this huge old house, prepared to move in, but there were these college-aged girls there. I got the vibe that I was just going to be using the house temporarily -- like maybe I was house sitting or something -- and these girls were totally against the idea. The girls were spoiled and selfish and reminded me a lot like Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. The house itself wasn't that spectacular. It was old and dark and had a bunch of oddly sized and shaped rooms. The place was full of mismatched furniture -- old and new -- and a lot of knick knacks. I didn't like the decor at all. People kept coming and going and the girls reminded me that they had a key to the place and would be in and out frequently. The girls had a habit of leaving the doors to the outside open and it made me mad because I was worried that Molly would get outside and I kept telling the girls to please try to remember to close the doors but they'd just laugh. So, I was constantly running around trying to find Molly, worried that she got outside. There was no place for me to put Molly because none of the rooms had doors on them. At one point, I was very frustrated that the girls had a constant stream of people coming and going and disrupting my life. I felt trapped, and worried, and anxious. I woke up before the dream reached any kind of resolution.

2) In this dream, I had just moved into a rented house (probably the beach house, but different) and was settling in when this group of construction workers showed up and announced that they were going to be doing renovations on the place, per the owner. I told them that I was renting the place and they said that they knew it but that the owner wanted the renovations done before tourist season and it meant that I'd have to deal with them. They were going to be doing a total renovation, including demolition of the kitchen and they were knocking out a wall to add on a room. I asked, "Where am I supposed to live? What am I going to do?" They didn't care. So, I kept trying to stop them -- like blocking them, or moving their tools or getting in their way so that they couldn't do anything. One of the guys got really mad and threatened to have me thrown in jail. So, I called someone to complain and the person just started laughing at me. I woke up.

3) I was in this huge massive enormous walk-in closet of sorts -- all dark wood, with drawers and shelves, and built-in storage. I was going through the drawers, sorting old clothing, and each item I would pull out would be something of value. Original designers.Old-name designers.Circa 1950s/60s designers.I was getting really excited about my "discovery" because I had a feeling that the stuff I found was worth way more than the "old clothing" I was told it was. Then, I opened this old-fashioned green purse -- it was one of those kind that have that ball/clasp latch on top instead of a zipper or snap. Inside, I found a red leather wallet. Inside the wallet, I found old photos, receipts, ticket stubs... and money. Several old $100 bills. I opened another drawer and found another purse, and this one had a woman's handkerchief, some red lipstick, a bottle of really old stinky perfume and a small coin purse with wadded up money in it.I became incredibly obsessed with opening as many purses as I could and I had all of this stuff scattered all around me on the floor-- hair combs, barrettes, scraps of paper, scarves, etc. Things people would have carried in their purses 50 or 60 years ago. Things we don't carry today. Little pill boxes. Little tins of mints. Things I used to find in my mom and grandma's purse when I was a kid. I had a nice stack of cash, too. I was excited with my discovery but also concerned because I was doing the sorting for someone else and felt guilty about wanting to keep my found objects. I was torn because I had been "hired" to just sort the items and no one said anything about what I could do if I found something other than clothing to sort. And another part of me thought that if it had been in storage all of this time, no one was going to miss the money or things I found. I woke up before this one could be resolved.

Have you ever had an acute case of the lonelies? You know, where, for whatever reason, you have this profound ache to be with someone, anyone and there's no one to be with, so you feel a little blue?

I've been in that mood for the past week or so and I don't really know why. I'm a loner of sorts most of the time and eventhough I have friends to do things with, I'm ok with being alone. I totally love having the time and freedom to do things without anyone bugging me or demanding my attention.

Yet, about a week ago, I was sitting here and just had this incredible craving to be with someone, to talk to someone, to not be alone... I guess I could have picked up the phone and called someone, but I didn't really have anything to talk about and I didn't want to admit that I felt lonely.

I think part of it is that it's finally starting to sink in that I'm leaving here, moving away, to a place where I know no one and where I'll have to start over and make new friends. It's hard to make friends once you get past a certain age or point in your life. Most of the people I meet my age are married, or have kids, or already have an established circle of friends that takes up a lot of their time. It was easier when I was younger. You'd show up for your 8:00 and immediately bond with that person who was writing a paper about the same thing you were. Or you'd go to work and bond with the person who also thinks everyone else is a moron. Or maybe you go to a party or some other social function and make small talk with someone who is wearing a T-shirt with a favorite band or something and become fast friends.

So, I did what any lonely person does... I sent a "what the F am I doing?" e-mail to an old cyber friend, lamenting the "what ifs" of my future move and then I logged on and checked out personal ads. Craigslist ( clicky if you don't know what craigslist is.) has a listing for the Hampton Roads area (the area where I'm moving that combines Virginia Beach with other nearby towns like Norfolk, Newport News, Chesapeake, and Portsmouth.) so I checked out their "platonic" personals -- for people who just want friends.

Sadly, most of those ads weren't really looking for friends even if that's where they were posted. Most of them had some sort of "romantic" undertone (why else state that you are looking for someone a certain age, race, gender, weight, height, etc?) and although I'm not opposed to romance, I'd really like to make some friends first in VB before I jump into a romance. I found one ad from a man stating he was looking for a female friend to just chat with because his day job was with a bunch of men and he needed a female perspective every now and then. I sent him a quick e-mail and he wrote back asking for a photo -- didn't even tell me anything about himself. (which leads me to believe he is looking for more than just friendship) So, I sent him a photo of a sunrise. He didn't specifically ask for a photo of ME. ;) I didn't hear back from him. I also sent an e-mail to a woman who was my age and said she was looking for male and female friends, but I didn't hear back from her so either I didn't sound interesting or she's actually looking for romance, too, and cleverly masked the ad with the "and female" part to throw poor unsuspecting men off.

Last night, the feeling still lingered, so I worked until 6:00 (feeling a little loserish because hardly anyone works OT on Friday nights) and then I went to the CONTAINER STORE and wandered around for awhile, looking at all of the wonderful things there. I made small talk with the cute (but young and probably gay guy in the shelving section about how great it would be to have one of everything in the store. I impulse bought some storage containers and then came home. I made dinner, watched some TV and then surfed the net looking for jobs in VB. I then called a couple of local friends but only got answering machines. I logged back on and wrote another blog about more weird dreams I had but when I clicked "Post Entry", I got one of those "I've never heard of booksnbeach4me" error messages and my blog was lost to cyber space. I didn't feel like writing it again, so I logged off and went to bed.

Today, I got up early, went to the gym, returned the storage containers for a refund because I know that if I wait a couple of weeks I can get them cheaper in all of the "dorm sales" the stores will be having for back-to-school, stopped by The Avenue and bought a blue cotton tunic, then came home, checked my snail mail, made some spaghetti for dinner, checked e-mail, read a couple of blogs, did two loads of laundry, and then watched some television.

I'm trying to "keep busy" until the feeling goes away. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I don't like it.

What do you do when you feel like you're the only person in the world who doesn't have someone to come home to or hang out with? Or... am I the only one? (and yes, I know I have Molly and I'm grateful for her warm furry purring body close to mine sometimes when I sleep... but.. sometimes it's not enough.)

If you were in my shoes, moving to a new town where you know no one, how would you go about meeting new people for the sake of friendship? How have you made new friends in your post-college, post-20s life?

I don't particularly like blueberries. They are actually more purple than blue and being a lover of all things fruity, I've tried to give them a fair shot at winning me over, but it just never happened. Maybe I was traumatized by the whole "Violet, you're turning violet" scene from Willy Wonka when I was a child. Dunno.

That said ... the other night, I had this bizarre dream that I was asleep and the phone rang. I answered and there was silence. So, annoyed, I said, "HELLO!?" and finally a somewhat sexy adult male voice says, "Hey, it's me. I got the blueberries."

Then, I woke up. I didn't recognize the voice and it's been eons since a sexy male voice was on the other end of my phone.

Ever since, blueberries are everywhere. Someone brought in blueberry muffins to work yesterday. Another girl said that she wished they made blueberry pancakes in our cafeteria. Last night, I was talking to a friend on the phone and she said that one of her kids got into some paint and looked like a giant blueberry. Then, tonight, I stopped by the grocery store on my way home and right inside the door, in the produce section, was this huge display of cartons of blueberries.

Very strange. So, now I wait for the sexy male voice to wake me up and tell me he got some blueberries. What we're gonna do with them-- I have no idea. Maybe it'll change my mind about them. ;)

Thanks for the kind wishes.

As you can probably tell,I did not rush home.

Experience has taught me to wait a few days because my mom has done this to me before and I've learned my lesson. The sucky thing is that one day it really will be an emergency and I'll probably regret not having my "last moments" or whatever with my parent(s) but I can't be the only one who is there for them.

I asked my mom what my brother was doing the first night to help out and her reply was that he was on vacation and out of town with his current girlfriend. So, he was "excused"... eventhough I later found out that he was "out of town" for THAT day... not for days or weeks.

The past couple of days have been exhausting -- not because I'm beside myself with worry but because my mom has been driving me crazy with calls every couple of hours to give me "updates" that aren't really updates... just excuses for her to get me on the phone, so I stopped picking up and have been letting all calls go to voice mail. I gave her my work number for "emergency use" and she kept calling me there, too.

I called the hospital that first night and they confirmed that they thought he had some gall stones and a liver infection and were still running tests. I said, "My mom said he has a surgery planned." The nurse said no -- that they were treating the infection and stuff like that but he was ok -- tired, sick, sore -- but not in imminent danger. I called my mom and cornered her about her lies. She just kept making up stories.

So, about an hour ago, I called the hospital and found out that he had been discharged. I called home and he answered the phone and sounded ok. Of course, mom hijacked the call again and I just ended it as quickly as I could.According to dad,he is on meds for a few days and will go back in a couple of weeks for more tests.

My dad and I have had rough times -- especially once I hit adolescence -- but I'd have to say I'm more like my dad than my mom so I was worried about him... mostly because I know mom probably wasn't helping things. I thought it was funny that she found time to go home to watch her daily soap operas and go shopping while he was allegedly at death's door. Family. What would the tv talk shows do if people like my family didn't exist?

Ack! I'm so glad I'm at least geographically away from all of their drama. I was worried about my dad and don't wish ill health on anyone. He deserves well wishes and prayers. I just wish my mom didn't have to make everything "Life or Death" to get attention.

Anyhoo-- hope your weekend is going well. I've been lazing around, doing nothing much of anything, so now I'm gonna go make some dinner, do some laundry and watch some tv.

My father was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night by ambulance. He was vomitting and having chest pains. My mom called me early this morning to tell me and she seemed more "annoyed" than worried because I guess they go running around on Thursdays. She called me every couple of hours throughout the day to say that she didn't know anything and to tell me that he looked like crap. According to her, he's at death's door.

I'm going to call the hospital later myself. She said that he is going into surgery tomorrow for gall stones, an obstructed bowel, liver infection and to remove his gallbladder. She adds an organ each time she calls me.

I feel like the bad daughter to not rush home, but a few years ago, she called me telling me that he was in the hospital and didn't think he was going to make it so I took time off work and drove the 4 hour drive to PA, worried... and he was ok. He *was* in the hospital, but for some routine tests and such. She just wanted me to come visit.

So, now I wait for the "updates". He'll be 69 in a couple of weeks. I have a hard time accepting that my dad is getting old... er... is old. He rides a bicycle every day, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke. He is a frequent dieter but not obese. He's one of those guys who has the "military gone soft" kind of builds -- with bird legs and a beer gut... without the beer. I used to think he was pregnant when I was a kid. Even after he had a quadruple bypass 4 years ago, he was on the computer emailing me pictures of his scars less than a week after the surgery.

No matter how adult you think you are, you are never ready to even think about a parent's death or possible death.

And selfishly, I don't want him to die because my mom will place expectations on me to move home and be with her. Nevermind that my brother lives next door...

So, put out your white lights for my dad. You know, "Steve".