So we got a PS2 in our house as of today, and I found out that my parents had picked up a Wii earlier this month. This is a historic moment as far as gaming goes in our household: with the exception ofand the Gameboy Color I had in my pre-teens, these are the first consoles we've had sincethe NES, which we got when I was 2.

I'm excited, obviously, although my parents only picked them up because we made a deal concerning my grades as motivation. Since I made it through everything successfully (even a couple hard classes in the end), we have a PS2, and the Wii was here because Mom wanted to enjoy Wii Sports and other stuff like that. Honestly, I'm the only one in the family who is really happy about getting these; I'm the only one who actually plays games, and I'm not necessarily a gamer. I AM a computer science major, so the crowd I hang out with is most certainly into games, and I've been able to get my buzz off of them, but now I finally have my own consoles at my place (and will also end up taking at least the PS2 with me when I move out!)

Sadly, I probably won't find much time to play either system, even over winter break. I'm applying for an internship for the spring, have at least 3 classes that already require my immediate attention for next semester, and I still need to go over everything from last semester. Geez, but at least I can catch up on sleep.

Anyway, a wee bit of celebration for this relatively historic day, but it's back to work for me. Peace.

So I took this random quiz that one of my friends tried out, and the results were freaking DEAD ACCURATE (with the exception of the last line under "Restrained Characteristics").  Some of it you can tell uses the "psychic's" general guide to "What sentences would most people relate to?" but since I finally have words that state how I feel, I thought I would post them:

     Your Existing Situation

    Dissatisfied. The need to escape continued involvement with his present
    circumstances makes it imperative for him to find some solution.

    Your Stress Sources

    Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel
    secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or
    losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the
    future and this negative attitude leads him to make exaggerated demands and to
    refuse to make reasonable compromises.

    Your Restrained Characteristics

    Feels that he is receiving less than his share and that there is no one on who
    he can rely for sympathy and understanding. Pent-up emotions make him quick to
    take offense, but he realizes that he has to make the best of things as they
    are.  Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and
    seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual
    activity.

    Your Desired Objective

    Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a
    sense of belonging.

    Your Actual Problem

    Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of his hopes and the fear that to
    formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in
    considerable anxiety. He is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and
    harmonious relationship, protecting him from dissatisfaction and lack of
    appreciation.

I wrote this tonight after I've had a little time to meditate on what I have been doing wrong. After realizing that my dating chances have finally dropped down below, I have nothing to lose by dropping the "Brotherly friend" card. That's the most powerful play I have right now. However, in order to address all of my sentiments, I mixed in some of my more personal thoughts that she has no idea about that I plan to keep secret to make the friendship more successful. Therefore, while I plan to try to tell her some of this stuff, there is no way I want her to get a hold of this. Anyway, here it is, enjoy:

I would be incredibly happy if you would consider me your brother. I would love it if we could still talk to each other about just about anything. Near the end of last semester I said I loved you. I have to admit, I fell head over heels early last month. I still love you just as much, although I can honestly say that it's the same love that I have for my sister. I love you, and I want you to do well and be happy.

As to your relationship with your boyfriend right now, I want to help it keep going as long as possible if I can. I believe that even in dating, every relationship that you form takes a piece of your heart, and the goal is to give the most of your heart to your other half. That's partly why I never dated in high school, because those relationships traditionally did not last long. However, this one that you are in seems to have long term potential, and if I can, I want to contribute to that as your big brother. Even though I've only known you for a few months and David not at all, if you guys are having any trouble, if I can help repair the rifts, I want to help anyway possible. In fact, if you or David feel nervous about me talking to you, I'll back off entirely if that's what it takes to make you both more comfortable with each other. However, if possible, I really would like to continue to build on our friendship from last semester.

Obviously you two have chemistry, two and half years through high school, and after a semester of being separated you two are back together. I would guess that it would be accurate to say that he's you're first love, right? I remember that last semester you were having a hard time. I asked if the reason you and him broke up was distance. You told me no. Now either there WAS something else that you hopefully resolved, or it was distance, which I really hope that it's not. If distance or jealousy is all it takes to break you up or cause you to have second thoughts, you are going to have a hard time in life. But anyway, you two have history and have been through a LOT, and I'm sure I don't even know a fraction of it.

Hopefully we can continue on this semester with the same sentiment we had towards each other before last semester ended, and I sincerely wish you and David a long and happy future that glorifies God.

Me

Well, it's official in my mind right now. I give up. I don't know if this relationship is going to go anywhere, and I'm not going to try to keep it alive if she is not going to talk to me. No malice involved on either side, I just realize that I have been wasting my time. I still love her, and if time allows, hopefully God will bring us together at some point in time or another, but if I keep pursuing her and am not getting any response in return, all I am doing is pushing her away. I have to got to just stop trying.

This is killing me. I really wish we could talk. I want to be that special guy who she can tell anything, I can tell her anything, and we can have a really close friendship that may eventually lead to marriage, but we're both freshman in college. I have 7 more semesters that are going to get progressively harder before I even start grad school. I have got to take the on paper approach and not let my heart get in the way. Love will not find the way if I don't let reality be my path. I hate reality, it never works the way we want it to.

I guess that's one reason there are so many of us gamers, we live in surreality where we are heroes, where we are what we want to be. I really am a hero in real life, and I believe that what I do really has and does affect the people around me. I am a leader; the best leaders don't force their leadership but move on their way and may or may not notice the crowd behind them. There are people watching me, I know it, and I have to make sure to set a good example. I've had my head in the clouds for so long that I forgot that I'm incapable of flight. I can come close, but only God can give me wings.

Why have I not let God in? I'm reading His Words everyday, but I am still not connected to Him. I feel like I am just using Him and all of His resources. I can pretend to be connected to Him. Generally I think I'm following His instructions and directions, but I think both me and Him want the relationship. Have I been trying to fill in my need for my relationship with Him with her? I REALLY like her; she's a godly women, and we have real conversations. I can be real around her. I guess I can be real around Him as well, but I always feel like I'm either shouting at Him or stopping by Customer Service. Oh no; It's becoming that way in this physical relationship. I'm either shouting at her or talking her for my own emotional fix. Man, I suck. Yo var muchisimo.

So I am alone again. I told myself that I didn't care about being alone six months ago. I can be awesome on my own. I can accomplish so much on my own. I still believe that I am a more effective tool in God's hands if I'm not attached to someone else. That way I won't get obsessed with the other person rather than keeping my eyes on Him. I actually caught myself reading over her old Xanga that she had all through high school. I tried to compare it to what I was doing at the time, but of course the obsessed part of me wanted to know everything about her, what she stood for at that age, what was fun at the time, how she connected to her friends and boyfriend at the time. Maybe I was just trying to see what I am up against: what will I have to do to make her forget that relationship and want to be with me instead? Two years. They were together for two years, and apparently they kissed within the first 5 months.

I know high school was a stupid age. At each level of school, I look back and regret my actions and immaturity of the school before. Middle schoolers were the biggest idiots when I was in high school (they still are pretty stupid, as we all know, but try to follow my point). Now that I'm in college, there are a lot of things I did in high school that I wish I could take back (fortunately dating was not one of them, because I never dated in high school). Now I'm in college; I am certain I will regret something that I will do four or more years from now. Thus is the circle of life. Still, each of those levels influence all of us, and they still indicate many of the beliefs that influenced what and who I am now. I was a very angry but incredibly wise sage in high school. On paper I had the system down to an algorithm, but that didn't mean that I knew how to live in reality. Indeed, the virtual or imaginary is much more satisfying (in the immediate sense) than living in what really is, normally.

So here I am, overthinking. I am not happy with my decision, and it is going to take every muscle in my body and every ounce of control I have to keep my brain and heart from ignoring the new command. If I were a machine, this would be so much easier. Emotions. They still haven't gotten a formula yet. There has to be one, even among all the inconsistencies. Maybe there isn't one yet because it will take someone who is living yet entirely emotionless to break it down and inform the rest of us. I hate this roller coaster, and it is one of my own design.

This past week I have been running over my mind all the things I wanted to tell her. How was I going to get those out to her? And then I decided it was time to play mind games, to see how much I could recover before I lost it all on my own. I decided that I would tell her that I was perfectly happy being just another guy friend, another buddy with whom she could talk to. I loved our hour and hour long conversations; they were truly the highlight of my days, and I felt truly human. It was more than worth it to only get 2 hours of sleep to talk to her about anything. I swear, I'd do it again, even after all this.

The crazy part is that she probably has no idea that I'm running myself through hell. Yeah, she deserves a break; talking to me is just another thing that she has to do while she doesn't have school. I never ever want to be another thing on the to do list; I want to make her just as happy to talk to me, to be the highlight of any day, but so far that only seemed to be the case with school. I think I will continue talking to her when school starts back up, but I am going to have to make sure she initiates it rather than me so that I don't get crazily obsessive again. Heck, and I'm already making plans to through my game plan out the window. I var exponentially.

As you can imagine, I didn't tell her anything that I wanted to tell her. I told her that I would give her more breathing room if she needed it and that I didn't want to make her feel obligated to talk to me, to which she replied that she was so glad that I understood how hectic the break has been. That made me feel a little guilty, until I realized how much time she spends on Facebook complaining about being bored. She never returned my call, which I guess is kind of my fault since I told her in voice mail that she didn't have to. Sigh. .... And I just now received a message from her apologizing for missing my call and being crazy busy. I don't know what to think or believe anymore. Maybe I should just stop thinking and freaking MOVE ON!

BUT I DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS!!!! If there is a chance, I want to keep it alive. Which means I probably need to just let it grow in its own. DAMN IT, MAN!! What the HELL am I doing? Right now, overthinking again.

I'll take comments if you care, but mostly, just venting, as usual.

This is something that I wrote exactly 3 weeks ago, but I feel the exact same way tonight, so I really felt like posting it. This is entirely emotional ranting, and if you do read it, don't tell me, I'm just venting.

I just feel like insulting myself over and over again. So that's what I'm probably going to do. I HATE myself right now, and I'm not even really sure why. Ok, I kind of know why. I'm trying to hard at relationships again. It's like I'm back in middle school. Everything else is coming right along, and I have to screw it all up. I hate my mind. I have som many projects due this week, and all I can think about is HER. No, actually, more how I can relate to her. It truly is infatuation, and I think I might have gone to far again. she always makes me really happy with those hour long conversations. I think I brighten her day a bit when I talk to her. I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about her. well, she just got out of a pretty strong relationship that lasted for 2 and a half years. 2 and a half months is NOT enough recovery time. I dont know how to be a good friend when my mind keeps drifting toward "relationship." I want that bond to last forever, or at least as long as I live. I want to be able to connect with her, to know what she's going through, to help her overcome, to be someone that she intimately trusts. I don't want to blow that trust, and I feel like I have before it was even handed to me. I don't even trust god with enough, why should someone put their trust in me? WHY? What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so ... torn up inside? This is driving me crazy. IM driving me crazy. AUGH!!!!!!!!!! What the hell is wrong with me!?!?!?! I can't live with myself, based on one day. My mind is stuck on her, and it really hurts to take it off of her. I want to be there for her, but I don't want to be her stalker. I feel like I'm not letting her breathe, and I feel like she feels the same way. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?! ANDREW, get out of my head!!!!!!! GET OUT!!! GEt OUT!!!!!!!!!! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!! What the hell have I done to my mind? Why are girls so, so, thought provoking? That's not true of all girls. Why is THIS girls thought-provoking? Why can't I hold every thought captive? I'm a slave to my own emotions and mental storms. I can't control them, I can't control them! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??????? I'm digging my own grave, and I feel it closing it. Im closing myself in. It's all my fault, and I don't know how to stop. Self sabotage! HA! I should write a book. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? THis is the crap I went through in MIDDLE SCHOOL!!! Why am I dealing with it NOW? College is not about this. I mostly have everything figured out. Not really, but you know what I mean. I know more about relationships, I don't chase as many people off. I have real freinds all over the place. This is cool. I am what I am, who I am, where I am. I am shique, awesome, with a sense of self-confidence. I can talk to practically ANYONE. This is how life should be. Then why have I let my mind go crazy once more? WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHY, god, WHY am I doomed to live with myself?

It's been a while since my last blog.  Nobody reads them, so I guess I shouldn't feel rushed, but hey, I've got too much time on my hands at this moment, so hey, another blog post!

So it's official: I have been accepted into ACU just $1500 shy of full tuition each year (that number still has room to go down).  Since I'll be going into computer science, I received a large competetive scholarship for their latest upgrade: the iSchool program. Right now I'm brushing up on C++ and teaching myself Java so the first semester will be a little be easier.  Anyway, I am PUMPED!  Finally managed to narrow down my college search and I've picked one.  I feel a little bad turning down the other schools that offered me full tuition, but you know, I had to pick somebody.

What else... Soccer season is done, so now I'll have to keep my eyes open for tournaments over the summer.  I probably won't have time since Mom is insistent that I take a Pre-Cal course over the summer.  Heck, I already know that stuff, I just need to run over my old notes.  The summer won't be the rest-easy-type I like, but hey, being an adult means doing crap that you don't want to do (as well as a couple things that I feel indifferent about).  Nah, I like a lot of things, I'm just tired that they all run on the same schedule and that I have to pick some stuff over others.

Haven't had any time to play video games, but I'm having a blast just looking at updates.  Yesterday I got a "swag pack" from the promotional people behind the Spider-Man 3 game for being a "founding member of Spidey's Web."  All I did was transfer my membership from MUA to SM3.  But mind you, I'm still pretty happy about a free T-shirt, a bunch of stickers, a notebook, and some other free stuff just to advertise the game for them.  I like free stuff.

Anyway, gotta go.  Just thought it was time to update dear diary.  Send me a PM or something, I like meeting new people.

Sure, it's nice to have a better picture.  I just hate that when the programmers update their games that I have to update my systems.  Take MUA, for instance.  X-men Legends II ran like a charm on my computer.  I could see everything really well and it all came together nicely. With Marvel Ultimate Alliance, I figured (as did many other gamers) that my computer could still uphold it.  I was just as excited with the news of better graphics, but of course gameplay is what matters most. 

Unfortunately, after waiting for an hour for the game to install on my computer, as soon as I loaded it up, I saw black screens.  Even the FMVs wouldn't show.  That was two months ago.

As of yesterday, I've managed to get almost halfway my first run through of the game on Easy mode on my sister's computer. It sucks that I have to adjust my schedule to everyone else's if I want to play it, but what can you do.  In the meantime, I still have a bunch of essays to write before I can graduate high school. I should be done by now, dang it. Sigh... I hate writing.

If you have been following my ramblings from the past couple days (and apparently no one has), you'll know that I stressed out over nothing.  Apparently people are still willing to pay NEW price for a USED PS2.  Frankly, anywhere over $100 is too high for my price range.  The bidding war that happened in the last few minutes of the action more than doubled the price I had placed.

Anyway, the essays are coming along all right (though behind schedule) and I get to work again tomorrow.  I'm a soccer referee who's hoping to move up the ranks until I can pick up a real job.  Anyway, the high school season has already started, and I enjoy officiating, so yipee.

For now, I don't need to worry about games so much as scholarship contests.  It will be nice to settle down a tad after college, but that's just a carrot I'll have to wave in front of me.

Any comments are appreciated.  If you see any games on my lists that you like, send me a message and we can talk about it.  Tallyho.