Two new elements have recently been discovered by researchers at a major U.S. university. The elements were named governmentium (a.k.a: administratium) and capitalium.
GOVERNMENTIUM
Governmentium has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 14 assistant neutrons, 37 deputy neutrons, 68 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, 142 supervisory neutrons, 166 team leader neutrons and 243 consulting neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 782.
These 782 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons, themselves surrounded by vast and undeterminable quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a miniscule amount of governmentium causes a reaction which would normally take less than a second over 4 days to complete.
Unlike all other known elements, governmentium does not decay measured according to its half-life, but instead undergoes continuous reorganization in which assistant neutrons, deputy neutrons, and vice neutrons exchange places, causing a sample mass of governmentium to actually increase over time since with each reorganization some of the peons inevitably become morons, and, finally, neutrons, thereby forming entirely new isotopes. This characteristic of peon-moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons anywhere reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the critical morass.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 yearsm at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other labratories indicate that governmentium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that governmentium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attepts are being made to determine governmentium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
CAPITALIUM
Further research revealed that Governmentium also occurs naturally alongside Capitalium, a lighter, but more numerous element. Capitalium is compromised of a cloud of entreprenions, which are attracted to a core of opportunium, which was made stable by emissions from Governmentium.
Over time, Capitalium produces emmisions of money, some of which is absorbed by nearby Governmentium. Capitalium will thus try to move as far away from Governmentium as possible. But most of this money is transmitted between other Capitaliums in what is known as the venture band. These oscillations of money produces economyetic radiation, which attracts more entreprenions, and stimulates peons, but also attracts greedions and slackhyons which have the temporary effect of increasing the flow of money in the venture band, while increasing their own energy.
However, as the flow in the venture band increases, the greedions and the slachyons reach critical mass, and the flow of money becomes unstable and suddenly reduces dramatically. Capitaliums spontaneously split from their now depleted opportunium and evolve into Spend 0 particles, refusing to bond to any more opportunium. Any peons in the region become inert and may decay, or be absorbed by greedions and slackhyons, forming anti-entreprenions, which have the effect of destroying any opportunium they contact with.
The state will remain unstable for a time until the depleted Capitalium begin to move closer to Governmentium. When this happens Governmentium undergoes a shift and emits bailout radiation, which has the effect of releasing vast amounts of stored money into the venture band and into Capitalium. This restimulates the Capitaliums and they once again begin to emit economyetic radiation, and also move away from Governmentium.
Interestingly, Governmentium can be formed by either the fusion of peons, or the fusion of Capitaliums. Howver these two types of governmentium have different spins, which manifest itself throught their interactions with Medium, a type of Capitalium, which has the ability to pick up Governmentium and Capitalium spin, and then broadcast it to nearby peons.
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