@johnd13: Yeah, I think it has a lot to do with the countries political and Geographical positions.
nickeddreams' forum posts
@shellcase86 said:
1. I'm sorry to hear about the situation.
2. To me, you need time for more perspective. Given that there is not enough conviction within you to go ahead and pursue the relationship is a cue that you may need to let time pass by and revisit this.
Thank you. After doing a lot of thinking and reading on the internet, I've also decided to take some time for myself before doing anything.
@theone86 said:
@nickeddreams said:
Hi all, I'm a relatively new user but I've been following this forum for awhile now because it's been a really good source of distraction from what's been happening.
I'm not sure if it's going to help by creating a thread, but I do need some advice and I don't really know where else to turn to because my best friends don't understand the situation I'm going through (I've tried approaching them before but they simply couldn't help).
Basically, I've been in a long term relationship for 5 years now, counting our past arguments and break periods. We've had our ups and downs but typically we always came out strong. After being together for 4 years, we started to talk about plans for marriage and kids in the future, and things were going smoothly up to the mid of this year, where our relationship hit a very rocky turn. I had just started out on my career and was extremely busy, while she was still in her last year of college.
One particular night, we were supposed to meet but because of an upcoming project, I had to cancel at the last minute. She got really mad and told me off, saying that I'm always like this, putting my work ahead of her. I admit that I'm really ambitious and may tend to get carried away with my responsibilities but that's because I see things from a wider perspective (or at least that's what I tell myself). The whole point of working hard now is so that I can save up for the wedding and our future home together. Anyone who's married would understand the stress right?? Was I wrong to have felt this way? I conveyed it to her but she didn't seem to care or understand.
That night, in a fit of anger, she went out with another guy (that clearly liked her) for drinks, and although I wasn't okay with it, I couldn't quite do anything about it either. Long story short, she disappeared that whole night until the next day afternoon, I mean it's pretty clear what happened right?
Not to hold grudges, but because I was pretty upset and started getting insecure, I got closer to a female colleague which pissed my girlfriend off and made her insecure as well. I only did it to get back at her, not because I wanted **** around with other people - ultimately I still wanted to marry this girl.
Perhaps because of this incident, my girlfriend (yes I forgave her in the end) started to change and actually became a lot more understanding and caring, and things seemed to be working out well. Our relationship actually was getting better since then, and last month, I decided I was going to propose to her at the start of the new year. I had even picked out a ring already... and even asked her parents for permission (they love me by the way).
If you know where this story is headed, Yes - she called me out of the blue last week and said that she couldn't do this anymore, she didn't know if she wanted to be with me or not, her life is just starting out, she isn't sure if she's ready to settle down, blah blah. Bottom line, she wanted a break from us and left it at that.
I'm terribly sorry for such a long post, but my question here is: What should I do? Should I still try to win her back and propose? Walk away? I don't know. I get the feeling that there's something she's not telling me but when I asked her, obviously she said no.
Any advice would be appreciated!
Long story short, you both have some pretty big emotional issues and issues with communicating. When it comes to "winning people back" my theory is to not try because it's probably too late. If you really want to throw up a hail mary, then your pitch should be "I haven't been listening to you, but I've put five years into this relationship and I want to do what it takes to fix it." Honestly, though, that probably should've been your pitch a year or two ago, not now. When you think she might say yes to a proposal and she's saying she wants to move on, you know there's a HUGE disconnect there. Here's the long version:
- You don't see things from a wider perspective, she was just feeling a need to connect with you at a time when you were preoccupied with work. She felt ignored, she lashed out at you, and you ignored her feelings because you were more focused on the logical aspect of things. Neither of you is wrong to feel what you were feeling, but you're both wrong to not recognize the other's perspective. This is something that could have come to light through counseling.
- I'm assuming that, being a senior in college, she doesn't exactly have loads of free time either. Yeah, you may have been too busy with work to do what she wanted when she wanted, but she was probably too busy with college to do the same for you. It's not a one-way street. Unfortunately, dating with busy schedules can be hard. You have to find time when both of you are free to spend together, and then one or both of you might end up not really being in the mood during the planned time. Further, you lose spontaneity, which is a big turn-on for women, and if you don't do the deed one or both of you can end up freaking out over it, turning sex into an anxiety-inducing activity. There's plenty of advice online about how to get around this, including counseling, but again, the big issue is communication.
- She may not have cheated on you, but even if she didn't she was wrong to make you think she did as a way of getting back at you. You were wrong to make her jealous as a way of getting back at her. If you don't end up being able to fix this relationship, you can look back to this part right here as a reminder of just how dysfunctional it really was.
- Maybe she changed because she wanted to, maybe she changed out of fear that you were going to leave her. If it's the latter, know that she was responding to some pretty damn manipulative behavior and you shouldn't take her changed attitude as a sign of progress. If it's the former, then neither of you ever really addressed how the other hurt them meaning there's a lot of repressed anger and your relationship was not doing great even if you thought it was.
- Asking her parents was probably a mistake. You just assumed your relationship was going to pick up where it left off before you started to hurt each other, didn't talk to her to confirm it, and went straight to her parents. Her parents probably said something to her, she realized she was in a completely different place than you, and that's why she called you. If you do try to fix this, realize that this isn't going to go straight into the engagement phase. Even if she takes you back, she's probably going to need time to figure out if she wants to spend the rest of her life with you.
- Whatever you do, be patient. There's probably nothing she's not telling you, she just needs to figure things out, like she said. Pushing too hard could push her away for good. Of course, maybe she's already decided she doesn't want to be with you. You have to be prepared for the possibility that this is already over.
All your points make a lot of sense to me. Thank you for taking the time to write. I will think about all of them. When I posted here, a thousand thoughts were going through my head. I have become a lot calmer now and I can see how our relationship was broken. You are right about her not having time, and the dysfunctional nature of our relationship.
I also agree about not pushing too hard. I've decided to not contact her for 30 days after coming across an article on winning her back. Basically, the article said what pretty much you and a few others have told me to do on this thread. Take some time, get some perspective and don't push her too hard. (Here's the article in case you are curious https://getyourexbackpermanently.com/win-your-ex-girlfriend-back/).
@themajormayor said:
Dump her.
If you're 20 something I think you'll be happier alone. You can travel, hangout with friends without a whiny girl making you feel bad all the time.
Just imagine, you could be on a trip in a much better country than you are now. Seeing sights, eating good food, getting drunk, meeting people.
I know I am young, but I was so sure about her. I guess I might have to move on. It just sucks though.
@dagubot said:
Move on my friend and let this be an experience. I know it sounds cliche but life is short man and we all have one life to focus on what we want to do and ultimately be happy with ourselves. Love yourself before loving a significant other. What she seems to care about man is the now not the future, that is why she was upset at you for canceling last minute, she just wanted to spend some time with you. While you were more focused on pushing yourself to a "all work; no play" life style which isn't a bad thing but remember do enjoy yourself as much as you can man and one important thing about enjoying life is to keep that "kid" inside you for as long as you can...
I know it'll seem like I'll stray off course and I do apologize, this is much easier for me when I speak to people in person as I give advice about females in general or just life. Anyways...
You mention she went out with a guy because she was angry but don't assume what may or not have happened. When guys assume and I know it can be difficult to not wonder what's going on try not to assume because as humans, the way we think we'll always assume the worst. You assumed and it led to your insecurity which then led you to get "closer" with a female colleague. It's like your fighting fire with fire now, which I see you did it to get back at her.
In the end, you said she doesn't know if she wants to be with you or not. This isn't a good sign because she doesn't know what she wants in life, she sounds young; immature in her thought process, despite you guys being together for 5 years. What's the best course of action now is to let her be man, let her live her life and "find" herself. Normally, girls and guys go through phases in life and try to find themselves or seek adventure/fun. She needs a break from you. Your best remedy is distraction. Continue working and focusing on yourself and when you have free time; hang out with your friends, spend time with family. Maybe pick up a hobby, join the gym, go out. Don't text her, call her, or seek her. Let time pass and let her come to you. Depending on the time and how long time has passed then you make that call whether you want to start fresh or tell her that everything has happened for a reason and you feel you want to continue being single. I know it'll hurt if it's not already but time heals all man...
I am realizing my insecurity played a huge role in the breakup. I wish they teach all this stuff in school.
@readmymind said:
If she cheated on you, you should ask her, and if she did, you should break up with her.
If you cheated on her, she should break up with you. The way you (nickeddreams) worded what happened was not clear to me as to if you cheated or didn't cheat.
The guy I like(d) did something similar to what you did with your colleague. To this day, I'm still not sure if he's still with her, was with her, or never was with her. The guy I like(d) ended our contact by saying that he didn't want to contact me. And in my opinion, if he doesn't want to contact me then I don't want to contact him.
If you really love the girl, you should definitely let her know and make sure she's on the right page with where you both think your relationship status is at.
I did not cheat on her. Just started talking and spending more time with another girl. Although, I think some people may classify that as cheating. Come to think about it, it was very childish of me to do that.
@amberlarson said:
If honest, I can understand her. She is finishing the colleage, so it is the start of her adult life. Her mind, views can change in the quite new direction. So it can be a mistake to get married right now.
If you do love her, try to be patiant and give her time.
Yes, this is what I thought as well. It's probably too soon for marriage. I am going to be patient. Give her time and give myself time as well (as other's in this thread suggested).
Hi all, I'm a relatively new user but I've been following this forum for awhile now because it's been a really good source of distraction from what's been happening.
I'm not sure if it's going to help by creating a thread, but I do need some advice and I don't really know where else to turn to because my best friends don't understand the situation I'm going through (I've tried approaching them before but they simply couldn't help).
Basically, I've been in a long term relationship for 5 years now, counting our past arguments and break periods. We've had our ups and downs but typically we always came out strong. After being together for 4 years, we started to talk about plans for marriage and kids in the future, and things were going smoothly up to the mid of this year, where our relationship hit a very rocky turn. I had just started out on my career and was extremely busy, while she was still in her last year of college.
One particular night, we were supposed to meet but because of an upcoming project, I had to cancel at the last minute. She got really mad and told me off, saying that I'm always like this, putting my work ahead of her. I admit that I'm really ambitious and may tend to get carried away with my responsibilities but that's because I see things from a wider perspective (or at least that's what I tell myself). The whole point of working hard now is so that I can save up for the wedding and our future home together. Anyone who's married would understand the stress right?? Was I wrong to have felt this way? I conveyed it to her but she didn't seem to care or understand.
That night, in a fit of anger, she went out with another guy (that clearly liked her) for drinks, and although I wasn't okay with it, I couldn't quite do anything about it either. Long story short, she disappeared that whole night until the next day afternoon, I mean it's pretty clear what happened right?
Not to hold grudges, but because I was pretty upset and started getting insecure, I got closer to a female colleague which pissed my girlfriend off and made her insecure as well. I only did it to get back at her, not because I wanted **** around with other people - ultimately I still wanted to marry this girl.
Perhaps because of this incident, my girlfriend (yes I forgave her in the end) started to change and actually became a lot more understanding and caring, and things seemed to be working out well. Our relationship actually was getting better since then, and last month, I decided I was going to propose to her at the start of the new year. I had even picked out a ring already... and even asked her parents for permission (they love me by the way).
If you know where this story is headed, Yes - she called me out of the blue last week and said that she couldn't do this anymore, she didn't know if she wanted to be with me or not, her life is just starting out, she isn't sure if she's ready to settle down, blah blah. Bottom line, she wanted a break from us and left it at that.
I'm terribly sorry for such a long post, but my question here is: What should I do? Should I still try to win her back and propose? Walk away? I don't know. I get the feeling that there's something she's not telling me but when I asked her, obviously she said no.
Any advice would be appreciated!
@bfa1509: Hate's a strong word, but I actually, I started working with one of my good friends recently. He's really nice as a mate, and we hang out a lot. Once I started working with him however, I realized a whole different side to him - where there was no initiative, he was lazy, procrastinated a lot, and just had a crappy attitude in general. This kinda changed my view towards him, but I try not to let work affect my personal life - we stopped engaging in small talk whenever we're in the office now, I avoid him whenever I can, and just get my stuff done. I still try to hang out with him outside of a work setting but once it comes to being in the office, we're no longer friends as far as I'm concerned and he's a colleague I've come to despise.
@johnd13: Hey man, I've been through it. Similar to you, my country has compulsory service for all men. We had to serve 2 years with 2-3 months of basic training, another 4-9 months of unit training, followed by serving the remaining of your time carrying out active duty based on the unit assigned. We still have to serve an extra 10 years after that (to return to our unit once a year to receive training for 2-3 weeks). Life was either fun or hell for you, depending on your outlook towards it. There's actually quite a few countries that practice conscription actually.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military_service
@davillain-: Honestly as decent as some of DC superhero movies were, I don't think they ever came close to beating Marvel's movies. Their legacy and the way they had built and linked everything up (movie to series) is just amazing.
Well this may not relate, but I'm from Singapore and our McDonalds has $1.30 McChickens and our KFC has $6.20 box meals with a Zinger Burger (spicy crispy chicken burger), one piece chicken, fries, mash and a drink.
@with_teeth26: Usually, these are part of affliate marketing campaigns where you end up on their page with a certain video playing automatically and if you try to close it, you would be re-directed to some other website. Annoying as hell to most, but yet it's still a multi-billion dollar industry because people can still potentially be suckers for it and buy the product, especially if it relates to them.
@Chrome-: When it comes to what is morally right or wrong, I personally don't think religion plays any part in determining your moral actions. I know of plenty of Aethists who treat others with more care and respect than certain devout Christians. I think there's a pretty clear universality in moral decisions regardless of the faith you believe in. If anything, history has shown to us that many immoral of acts in the past have been done with justified religious intentions.
We still believe that harming others and stealing is wrong and immoral; as is kicking a puppy, regardless of our faiths. Even if you do argue that religion plays a factor in those beliefs, what about the number of murderers out there and rapists who were raised of a certain religion? What went wrong with them?
I personally think it's all about appeasing the activists and extremists these days who will act upon any sort of 'injustice' that can be seen and influence the general public that's so sheltered to anything they're uncomfortable with. Whether it's in movies, or games or social media.
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