What the hell? When did I join so many groups? They all seem to reflect opinions that aren't even mine (anymore, at least).

goodness me, this is a mess.

peace,

-nick

I've said this before, and I want to be completely honest. I do not like associating myself with any one particular group. It isn't for identity's sake or really because I feel some sort of power by negating the people around me. I have a problem with hate--especially hate that could have anything to do with me. Why? Because I grew up being hated. Lets rewind back to my childhood for a bit.

Back when I was around seven or eight years old, I was semi-bullied by a kid named Ben. I say semi-bullied because he never outright bullied me, and most of 'strong arm' tactics were actually based around calling me gay or 'weak' or something of the sort. I hated this guy so much that at age nine, I started taking Karate lessons. I never told anyone, but I secretly wanted to kick Ben's ass. A shameful reason to take Karate it is, but nevertheless, true of my situation. One day, during a game of tag, Ben decided to patronize me by pushing me into a ditch and then telling me that I could hit him. I refused...at first. He kept insisting that I slap his arm or something. I started to cry. In a moment I remember paradoxically both vague and vivid, I beat Ben up. I don't remember what it felt like to hit him. What I do remember was him wrapped around his limbs in a fetal position I don't think I'll ever forget.

I felt this tinge of guilt and remorse for hurting him. There was never a definite reason why, but I knew that I never wanted to be around Ben again. Why? Because I hate hate. I was made fun of because I could be associated with Bill Nye the Science Guy or because I didn't own a playstation. From that moment, I made it a point to avoid association by mixing and matching various interests that didn't exactly line up.

In my sophomore year of highschool, I was introduced to various 'indie' rock bands by a friend named Jesse. I had previously only listened to bands like Switchfoot or Relient K. I had never listened the Stooges, Eagles of Deathmetal, The Flaming Lips, Dinosaur Jr., Sonic Youth, or the Brian Jonestown Massacre. At first, I found these bands loud and obnoxious. I thought Jesse's musical tastes revolved around listening to music that nobody liked for the purpose of listening to music that nobody liked. What I didn't know is that I started to actually enjoy these bands over time. I found something to scream for in these bands. It wasn't some bogus sense of identity or a pious attitude. It was, in fact, a wand. That wand was me. I had, at my fingertips, the power to do something new. interesting. I gained this desire to explore and understand the world around me in ways that were not very comprehensible to me before. This wasn't a 'oh, I'm gonna read some Plato' type of desire. No. It was much more vague then that.

I don't consider myself a hipster, but allot of people do because I use a Mac, listen to music they don't like and play videogames that they don't understand. Though, after some recent developments in society, notable this indie counter culture that has appeared, particularly in the form of the hipster kitty, I've started to worry about what people think. While most of them are quite funny, every once in a while, I run across one that hits home. It doesn't hit home in a "that's me!" kindof way, but in a "is that how they see me?" or "they hate me because of this?". I usually think that because the comments paired with the memes go along the lines of "I hate hipsters".

I think, deep down: Do I consider myself a hipster? Which, the answer is, of course: I don't know. Some part of me does and some part of me doesn't. I've been raised around so many diverse cultures that it is really hard to distinguish what I truly relate to anymore. I've lived in a christian home, gone to a ghetto school, had athiest and agnostic friends, lived in a redneck town, lived by a 'hipster' college and have used macs and windows simultaneously my entire life.

So, hate towards the things I've grown up with confounds me. I'm left with this bewildering sense of place and time wondering "What kind of hell is this where we hate the things simply because we cannot understand them." I'm guilty too, though. I hate pop music because I don't understand why anyone could like it, yet millions and millions of people do--some of them because they've never heard anything better and some because they don't care about anything better.

In a sense, I see a form of hypocrisy in everyone--especially this indie counter culture. For christ's sake, Microsoft has fans. Fans! Why is that? Because the same sense of rebellion that drives indie hipsters towards apple products drives counter hipsters to Microsoft products. In the end our rebellion isn't really a rebellion, but an open acknowledgement of the most effective forces in our lives. It wasn't any one person's idea to become an Apple fan. It wasn't any one person's idea to become a Microsoft fan. It isn't any one person's idea to listen to 'obscure' music. It isn't any one person's idea to listen to 'mainstream' music. We are all products of our environments and any sense of social rebellion we have is a complete and utter illusion. Therefore, this unfounded hate between various social groups (indie, goth, emo, preppy, counter indie, techie, homo etc. etc.) is based upon misapprehension and misunderstanding.

Deep down though, despite my arguments, I'm a very, very meek person. Hate is much stronger then love and logic. Once it is set, it can't be swayed no matter how effective your arguments are or your actions. That is why I'm afraid to associate myself with 'things'. I'm afraid that somehow this indie counter culture will turn into a 'nick counter culture'. Why? The fear is irrational, I know. But that fear is so deeply rooted in me. I'm confused now, more then ever, because I don't want to relive my childhood.

Even so, when has a 'social' title ever effectively described anyone?

I guess I'm just growing up or something. if you actually got this point my depressing blog, you should probably read this. It'll cheer you up. I pretty promise with fish tacos on top.

peace,

-nick

On this site, whenever someone writes in a different colored font, I read it as yelling. In a way, like reading someone who left their caps lock on.

HEY, THIS GAME LOOKS PRETTY COOL. LOOKS LIKE I SHOULD PROBABLY PICK IT UP IN A DAY OR TWO. It sticks out, but only too much. May I apologize for hurting your mind's ear.

In any case, I'm surprisingly flabbergasted by the complete lack of compassion and understanding show between the general gamespot audience. On the rare occasion that I read comments, I find lots of rather vain and silly remarks about this, that or someone being 'lame'. Maybe I should migrate to Kotoku. Just_nonplussed seems to enjoy it over there, at least.

As another note, I'm going to try and find a programmer sometime today or tomorrow. Hopefully I can woe him/her over with this:

Hopefully, the final game will look somewhat like this. If I save the image in layers, I can certainly do the focus blur-and the RGB noise, Lens Flare and reflections shouldn't be too hard either.

peace,

-nick

I'm essentially working from this sprite sheet (as seen below)

I've started working out actual game mechanics and characters.

Protagonist--the only thing you will ever know about this character is that his last name is Fischer. In the game, there will be two versions of this character working on two separate timelines; however, they will still operate on the same plane and interact with the same world. I have not worked out how the controls will work, but the general idea is that the younger protagonist has to clear a path for the older protagonist. Any recommendations on how I could change this mechanic or make it more interesting will certainly be welcome.

Aurora Fischer (Mrs. Fischer)--she has moved back in town with her husband's body for the funeral and will be the motivation for our Protagonist's quest. Mrs. Fischer does not play a huge role in the game, but to offset that fact and underline her importance in the game, she will utter the famous words "It's dangerous out there, here, take this" (as she hands you an item of specific interest).

Mr. and Mrs. Sheehy--a couple that lives in the mountains. Years ago, our protagonist snuck in their house to steal a pearl. Beyond that, you will never know much about these two: only that they are the victims of a terrible incident that has rendered their escape from the mountain impossible.

Lindin Fischer--an idealistic brother. He comments early in the game about a giant egg the two brothers had come across in the woods. Lindin cut open a crack to find a sleeping bird, but was too scared to crack open the egg. He establishes the goal within the game, to go find and crack open the egg.

The Igbo twins:Nkemka "Nkem" Ihejirika,Ndubuagha "Ndu" Ihejirika--These twins are special in this game. Both represent completely opposing philosophies--one (Ndu, for instance, represents existentialism and free will while the other, Nkem, represents fatalism and Nihilism). In a way, I want the game to ask the question: Do we make meaning, is meaning given to us, or is there no meaning at all?

Essentially, I've planned the ending to be interpreted in several ways without losing it's impact. I'd personally like to explore all these concepts much deeper so that I can expand upon them metaphorically within the bounds of the gameplay. If you have any comments and critiques, feel free to comment. If you find my post troll food, then please, eat your fill.

Let us talk Shadow of the Colossus and Ico.

So far, I've enjoyed Shadow of the Colossus a bit more than Ico. Thus far, Ico hasn't presented as much of a challenge as Shadow of the Colossus. Even so, both games are absolutely fantastic. I'm really speechless. So speechless, in fact, that all I could do after playing both was sit down at the piano and start working on compositions.

I've never been so inspired by a game before. Both these games make me excited for The Last Guardian.

I just payed $40 for the last used copy of ICO without the case (within city limits). Is it me or is this game that good?

I also bought a copy of Shadow of the Colossus. I've got a couple other games on my list of to buys:

-Kingdom Hearts

-Battlefront II

-Sin and Punishment II

-Monster Hunter Tri

That and all the other games I've amassed will certainly be enough to feed me through college.

Please, from now on, if you want me to become a charter member of your union, you must personally contact me first. I'm tired of being founder of unions that I care little about.

peace,

-nick

I'm currently in the process of developing a pipeline for my game--I'll create a very long and complex blog explaining everything fairly soon. I've worked out the basics for a rocky outdoor scene. What you see below is something similar to the process Jonathan Blow used. They painted large sections of grass and dirt and melded them together by turning the pieces into brushes. In the same way, I wish to create my levels. What you see below is simply me playing around with my 'brushes'. As I've said before, nothing here is final.

In the future, I'll do allot more to hide the repetition. I should finish the basic rocky mountain assets by tomorrow or monday. This next week will be spent on working out other pipelines for other environments. (as a note, this is a mixture of concept work and actual assets that I intend on using. The reason why I'm focusing much less on concept art is because I'm the only artist. I don't need to worry about the consistency of the art).

EDIT: as a note, I'm studying Craig Adams (Superbrothers) and Adam Saltsman's (Adam Atomic) art very closely for this specific environment. I borrowed and modified a color palette used in one of Craig Adam's illustrations to make sure that my color palette matched. The valley (of which I'll be tackling next) will be much more original. I promise.

Peace,

-nick

I brought my little sister to see the movie "How to Train Your Dragon". I was honestly expecting a crude humored comedy as the commercial suggests. The film supported surprising dramatic depth--especially for a Dreamworks movie. Yeah, the story is a bit generic, but the small details, movements and interesting dialogue really make it work. I don't know how they made it work, but they did. Whats more is that there isn't a single reference to popular culture--which is even more surprising.

With a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes, you should take someone to see it. It is certainly worth your time and money. Most reviewers enjoyed the movie even more than Avatar.

I've started working on some game concept work--basic stuff right now. I'm currently trying to organize the artwork and style in my mind.

Currently, the concept stands as a puzzle/platform/adventure game. The player will play in a dream world and a normal world. They must solve puzzles or complete tasks to proceed further in their dream--dreams will vary depending on how the player solves the puzzles and plays the game.

So far, just basic ideas here. I'd love to hear any ideas the community at large might have. Because I'm still in the concept/artwork stage, I'll be open to any gameplay ideas.

peace,

-nick

Failbooking.com makes me worry for the future of our race.

Today, I bought a Playstation 2 and Persona 3 FES. I haven't hooked it up or played P3 yet. After noticing that Persona 3 was rated M, I decided to wait a bit so I could pull a TV into my room. My parental units have no trouble with M-rated games. I just can't play them in the den with all the little tikes. Maybe I could find a way to connect the Playstation to my Macbook Pro. I think that might be my cheapest option right now. I've got a small 13 inch screen, so the pixelation won't hurt my eyes.

While I was at the store, I reserved a copy of Monster Hunter Tri. They told me that the game would be five dollars cheaper if I reserved it.

"How much is it to reserve?," I asked.

"five dollars.," The store tender replied.

Oh well, he handed me a demo of the game and I popped the disc in as soon as I got home. This game is much more difficult than I anticipated. I was almost worried that I was going to be mindlessly hacking and slashing away at big monsters without much thought. Strangely enough, I was greeted with something much more thoughtful and interesting. The gameplay is most certainly based upon reading your enemy and timing your attacks in turn--it is much less about trying to get one million hits on the boss and much more about landing one very effective hit (one minute at a time). The controls are a bit tough to get used to, but seeing as how this game is designed, I don't feel it will be a problem to overcome.

Oh, and if you wish to know, I got my ass kicked by a Great Jaggi; one of the easiest monsters in the game.

On the indie front, I've been keeping my eyes peeled for an iPhone gamesoon to be released called "Superbrothers: Swords & Sorcery EP". Julianozuca should enjoy this one.

From what I've gathered, Swords & Sorcery is in a similar vain to Shadow of the Colossus. You play as a Scythian she-warrior, hunting various creatures, the first being the Grizzled Boor of the Forrest (pictured above). There are many paths in the game that lead to interesting scenarios--each level becomes increasingly more explorable as the game goes on. Not only that, but replays of the game will reveal even more paths and scenarios. Eventually, the game will become one big tree of events that changes each time you play. Two gameplay videos can be seen here and here.

In any words, IGF Mobile granted this game with the Achievement in Art award. Pretty Cool eh?

Which also brings me to Jonathan Blow, creator of the critically acclaimed Braid. A while back, he gave a speech at a Montreal Design Convention of sorts called "Design Reboot". I followed along with the speech and powerpoint over the previous break and found some very interesting points. I'd recommend anyone who has an interest in game design to listen to this speech.

As for his projects, he has committed himself to designing a new, Myst inspired game called "The Witness". A full build of the game is somewhat expected to be available sometime next year. There isn't much to see now, as the blog is filled with a good deal of technical mumbo jumbo that even I don't fully understand (I understand most, but once he starts talking algorithms, I get that glazed look in the eye).

Last, but hopefully not least, I was able to pick up some pixel animation this past week. I downloaded a program called Pixen and began pixel pushing for the first time in several years. I haven't lost my touch--what do you guys think?

peace,

-nick