It's been a while since I was really active blogging. I guess it is because summer is so incredibly boring when you're a grown up in the U.S. I can remember when I was a kid that summer was the most awesome time EVAR. But as an adult, well, there aren't really any major game releases. My favorite sports aren't going on. I don't have three months of vacation. Also, I don't live on a beach with half naked women parading around me constantly. Even if I did, the sensation would be kind of like going to a buffet without being allowed to grab any of the food. As a married man, all I would be able to do is look and salivate. Thank god though that we have the continued degeneration and devolution of the Republican right into complete and utter insanity. From "Death Panels", "Tea Party succession talk", "You Lie" to "Birthers" to "Deathers", it has been a non-stop, awe-inspiring summer of "can you top this?" among the Republicans in this country for nuttiness. It's been entertaining, if more than a little depressing. But then, I think Newt Gingrich just won the gold medal today. Straight from the "you can't make this **** up" archive... Former Republican Majority Leader Newt Gingrich has awarded Allison Vivas of pron studio "Visual Pink" his "Entrepreneur of the Year" award.
Link to article Link to Actual Letter Er...."Money Quote" [quote="Allison Vivas"]"I'm honored, and more than a little surprised, to receive this prestigious award. Rest assured, I'll take the opportunity to inform Mr. Gingrich of some of the major challenges facing the adult entertainment industry in the current market ... from obscenity prosecutions to content piracy. I'll make sure he walks away from that dinner educated about the realities of the online porn market." I think my favorite part of the letter itself is the part where it invites her to an "intimate event" with Newt! :D Obviously a case where Gingrich's 527 group got a little too eager to sucker in potential big money donors by giving out awards and didn't do enough research, but still funny as all hell.
nocoolnamejim Blog
This calls for the Jumbo Probe!
by nocoolnamejim on Comments
"This calls for the Jumbo Probe!" Spiro, from "Destroy all Humans" The English language is insufficient to address how awful dealing with Microsoft's customer support is. My anger and irritation cannot be described in mortal terms. Some sort of divine language would be needed to describe (without violating the Gamespot filter for swearing) how atrocious my experience with Microsoft's "support" structure has been. I'm going to do my best to be succinct and passionless in attributing the ghoulish and demonic qualities that Microsoft has expressed to me into plain, unemotional words on a screen for my readers. 1. After dealing with no less than nine (9!) different "supervisors" from the 1-800-4MY-Xbox phone number, I've decided that they are all complete tools and decided to abandon that method of getting any sort of satisfactory resolution and found their corporate number. Should anyone wish to call in just to give them hell, or to support my case, that number is 425-882-8080. Feel free to make them regret that they were ever born. Also, feel free to ask for "Sabrina". 2. Microsoft, both through their off-shore support and their corporate support. does not care about you. Period.
3. The promise made to me has been acknowledged by this company. Apparently, "Eric" mentioned in previous blog, no longer works for the company. (Odd, since less than three weeks ago when I first started pursuing this one of the employees guaranteed that he did.) 4. Since the promise was inconsistent with business policy, it won't be followed. How that promise is MY fault and *I* should suffer for it is not exactly clear. 5. I have an email given to me for complaints beyond Microsoft corporate. I have pursued this. Given that I'd like they not be flooded with complaints while dealing with MY complaint (I'm selfish like that) I won't release it here yet. Yet. 6. As an example of just how much of a pack of liars and slimy rejects these people are, last Wednesday I spoke with a "supervisor" named Carmi about my case. (This is via the 1-800-4MY-Xbox number) and asked my case to be re-escalted.
As I'm not an idiot, I took notes. I was promised that I would be re-escalated. Turnaround was 3-5 business days. I called in today and "George' (Yet another supervisor) said that my case had NOT been re-escalated because it had been rejected before. "How can that be?" I asked. "You guys said you would re-escalate. Now did you, or did you not?" (There may have been a swear word or three mixed in.) "No, we didn't sir. As I've said sir, you've been rejected already. There would be no point in escalating." "Then why did you tell me that you did?" "As I said sir, you've been rejected already. There would be no point in escalating." (Creative license is taken from this point forward.) "Does your mother have sex with farm animals?" "As I said sir, you've been rejected already. There would be no point in escalating." "At what point did you stop beating your wife?" "As I said sir, you've been rejected already. There would be no point in escalating." "Are you Hitler?" "As I said sir, you've been rejected already. There would be no point in escalating." (Creative license ending.) Jim: "This is so much bull (censored)!" I've written into the latest "escalation path" (translation: "Black hole") to try and get Microsoft to understand that it doesn't matter whether or not a promise made to me was against their policy or not. They've made it. They are bound by it. I have little to zero hope of any sort of resolution. Consider me no longer a customer of this company for life. Like the phone company Qwest, they are now dead to me.
3. The promise made to me has been acknowledged by this company. Apparently, "Eric" mentioned in previous blog, no longer works for the company. (Odd, since less than three weeks ago when I first started pursuing this one of the employees guaranteed that he did.) 4. Since the promise was inconsistent with business policy, it won't be followed. How that promise is MY fault and *I* should suffer for it is not exactly clear. 5. I have an email given to me for complaints beyond Microsoft corporate. I have pursued this. Given that I'd like they not be flooded with complaints while dealing with MY complaint (I'm selfish like that) I won't release it here yet. Yet. 6. As an example of just how much of a pack of liars and slimy rejects these people are, last Wednesday I spoke with a "supervisor" named Carmi about my case. (This is via the 1-800-4MY-Xbox number) and asked my case to be re-escalted.
As I'm not an idiot, I took notes. I was promised that I would be re-escalated. Turnaround was 3-5 business days. I called in today and "George' (Yet another supervisor) said that my case had NOT been re-escalated because it had been rejected before. "How can that be?" I asked. "You guys said you would re-escalate. Now did you, or did you not?" (There may have been a swear word or three mixed in.) "No, we didn't sir. As I've said sir, you've been rejected already. There would be no point in escalating." "Then why did you tell me that you did?" "As I said sir, you've been rejected already. There would be no point in escalating." (Creative license is taken from this point forward.) "Does your mother have sex with farm animals?" "As I said sir, you've been rejected already. There would be no point in escalating." "At what point did you stop beating your wife?" "As I said sir, you've been rejected already. There would be no point in escalating." "Are you Hitler?" "As I said sir, you've been rejected already. There would be no point in escalating." (Creative license ending.) Jim: "This is so much bull (censored)!" I've written into the latest "escalation path" (translation: "Black hole") to try and get Microsoft to understand that it doesn't matter whether or not a promise made to me was against their policy or not. They've made it. They are bound by it. I have little to zero hope of any sort of resolution. Consider me no longer a customer of this company for life. Like the phone company Qwest, they are now dead to me.
Microsoft's Public Relations (A.K.A. 360 #3 RIP)
by nocoolnamejim on Comments
Well, I wish I could claim that I was surprised that my THIRD 360 has now started to experience severe problems, but I can't. As anyone who has seriously followed the trail of the 360 hardware issues should know by now, Microsoft released a piece of crap console from a hardware reliability perspective in order to be first to market and ordinary consumers have been paying for this cash-in decision ever since. For the record, I do NOT have the dreaded "Red Ring of Death" issue. I have a related hardware failure that deals with non-stop console "freezes" when I am playing. Specifically, the console freezes up for no particular reason even when playing not particularly new games (like NBA Live 08 ).
If Microsoft wished to claim plausible deniability that this isn't a known and frequent problem, then their support menu should not list this issue in the same sentence as the three red light issue when you call in for tech support or to submit a repair ticket. Now seems a great time to bring up what Microsoft promised the last time I had a broken console. Microsoft's Documented Promise The Cliff Notes version is that Microsoft committed to me that in return for accepting a repair on my current console for a second time, if I ever had a third broken device I would get a brand new 360 Elite in return. The great thing about blogs is that they are a very good source of documentation. Specifically, a gentleman named "Eric" made this promise on behalf of Microsoft back then. Unfortunately, Microsoft has not been willing to deliver upon this commitment. During this last week, which, fortunately, I've been on vacation from work for, I've escalated this situation TWICE and been rejected both times. Whomever "Eric" is, he apparently doesn't take good notes. Despite the fact I asked specifically for this commitment to be documented in my case file, the folks I've been talking with on the phone claim that no notes on this commitment are in their records. The beautiful thing about having a wife who works in customer support is that you get a lot of detailed inside knowledge on how to get what you want when you are working with customer support from other companies. Specifically, I've gathered the following bits of information during my repeated calls into 1-800-4MYXBOX. 1. That phone number does NOT take you to Microsoft itself. Microsoft has outsourced their customer support to a 3rd Party. Based on the accents, I'm guessing that their outsourcing is probably Costa Rica. (The same country that the company that *I* work for has outsourced so many things to.)
2. I've spoken with three different "supervisors" thus far. "Kelly" and "Malcolm" are probably first level supervisors. "Krissa" is apparently one step up from either of them.
3. The "Specialty Department" is where "Eric" who made the promise to me documented worked when he made the promise. Unlike Kelly, Malcom and Krissa...Eric actually works for Microsoft itself.
4. Eric STILL works in the Specialty Department. This would be the same Specialty Department that has denied my case twice after promising me the exact thing that I am currently asking for.
5. Kelly, Malcom and Krissa are powerless to give me what I ask for. Due to the genius that is Microsoft's public relations, they don't have any real power to give customers anything. They instead have to escalate to Microsoft itself in the form of the Specialty Department. 6. The program that Eric works for is called "Risque Exchange". Entry level grunts don't know what this is. Malcom acknowledged this program's existence.
I'm writing this blog as I wait for exactly one hour to pass. After an hour, I intend to call the support number back again and immediately re-escalate. I promised Krissa that I would do this during our last call. She and I both know she can't do **** to help me, again do the the genius of Microsoft's PR department, but she CAN put detailed notes into my case that the Specialty Department reviews. So I want to ensure that she argues my case convincingly. Essentially, I'm probably the very worst type of customer to deal with. Most customer support folks are not allowed to hang up on you so long as you are being polite and calm. They also usually are paid based on how many calls they take and resolve per hour. So I have no problem screwing their metrics up all to hell to ensure that they become my advocate. This makes my case a personal thing for the people handling it. Not only am I causing Microsoft money by calling in again and again and writing scathing blog posts detailing their abdominal console reliability and customer support, I'm costing the people speaking on the phone with me money personally. Granted, this is not the nicest thing in the world to do, but on the other hand, this could have been resolved on Monday if Microsoft had stepped up to the plate and shelved out the $200 it probably costs them to actually make each of their 360 Elite consoles. I guarantee that it will cost them a lot more than that if they keep stringing me along. At the end of the day, I was given a promise and I mean to ensure that the company that extended me that promise follows through. I don't care if it ends up costing them $200, $2000 or $20,000 before they finally cave. Three broken 360's is completely unacceptable. I have almost 400 people tracking my blog. In the big scheme of things, that isn't that many. But on the other hand, that is four hundred people who have now (hopefully) been given a very negative view of Microsoft's cash-in decision to rush a broken, unfinished console to the market in order to beat out Sony and Nintendo. How many people will THEY say bad things about Microsoft to? How many people will the people they talk to say negative things about Microsoft to? At the end of the day, By jerking me around Microsoft has probably cost themselves AT LEAST a couple of thousand dollars worth of future business to avoid spending $200 to give me a working, functional console. Apparently, math is not this company's strong suit. My next blog post on this subject will be on the Soap Box. (If necessary.) Edit: If you think *I'm* harsh, you should listen to the wife while she takes HER turn on the phone. I'm not even the person on the other end of the line and she makes me want to hide under the bed. I'm so proud of her!
If Microsoft wished to claim plausible deniability that this isn't a known and frequent problem, then their support menu should not list this issue in the same sentence as the three red light issue when you call in for tech support or to submit a repair ticket. Now seems a great time to bring up what Microsoft promised the last time I had a broken console. Microsoft's Documented Promise The Cliff Notes version is that Microsoft committed to me that in return for accepting a repair on my current console for a second time, if I ever had a third broken device I would get a brand new 360 Elite in return. The great thing about blogs is that they are a very good source of documentation. Specifically, a gentleman named "Eric" made this promise on behalf of Microsoft back then. Unfortunately, Microsoft has not been willing to deliver upon this commitment. During this last week, which, fortunately, I've been on vacation from work for, I've escalated this situation TWICE and been rejected both times. Whomever "Eric" is, he apparently doesn't take good notes. Despite the fact I asked specifically for this commitment to be documented in my case file, the folks I've been talking with on the phone claim that no notes on this commitment are in their records. The beautiful thing about having a wife who works in customer support is that you get a lot of detailed inside knowledge on how to get what you want when you are working with customer support from other companies. Specifically, I've gathered the following bits of information during my repeated calls into 1-800-4MYXBOX. 1. That phone number does NOT take you to Microsoft itself. Microsoft has outsourced their customer support to a 3rd Party. Based on the accents, I'm guessing that their outsourcing is probably Costa Rica. (The same country that the company that *I* work for has outsourced so many things to.)
2. I've spoken with three different "supervisors" thus far. "Kelly" and "Malcolm" are probably first level supervisors. "Krissa" is apparently one step up from either of them.
3. The "Specialty Department" is where "Eric" who made the promise to me documented worked when he made the promise. Unlike Kelly, Malcom and Krissa...Eric actually works for Microsoft itself.
4. Eric STILL works in the Specialty Department. This would be the same Specialty Department that has denied my case twice after promising me the exact thing that I am currently asking for.
5. Kelly, Malcom and Krissa are powerless to give me what I ask for. Due to the genius that is Microsoft's public relations, they don't have any real power to give customers anything. They instead have to escalate to Microsoft itself in the form of the Specialty Department. 6. The program that Eric works for is called "Risque Exchange". Entry level grunts don't know what this is. Malcom acknowledged this program's existence.
I'm writing this blog as I wait for exactly one hour to pass. After an hour, I intend to call the support number back again and immediately re-escalate. I promised Krissa that I would do this during our last call. She and I both know she can't do **** to help me, again do the the genius of Microsoft's PR department, but she CAN put detailed notes into my case that the Specialty Department reviews. So I want to ensure that she argues my case convincingly. Essentially, I'm probably the very worst type of customer to deal with. Most customer support folks are not allowed to hang up on you so long as you are being polite and calm. They also usually are paid based on how many calls they take and resolve per hour. So I have no problem screwing their metrics up all to hell to ensure that they become my advocate. This makes my case a personal thing for the people handling it. Not only am I causing Microsoft money by calling in again and again and writing scathing blog posts detailing their abdominal console reliability and customer support, I'm costing the people speaking on the phone with me money personally. Granted, this is not the nicest thing in the world to do, but on the other hand, this could have been resolved on Monday if Microsoft had stepped up to the plate and shelved out the $200 it probably costs them to actually make each of their 360 Elite consoles. I guarantee that it will cost them a lot more than that if they keep stringing me along. At the end of the day, I was given a promise and I mean to ensure that the company that extended me that promise follows through. I don't care if it ends up costing them $200, $2000 or $20,000 before they finally cave. Three broken 360's is completely unacceptable. I have almost 400 people tracking my blog. In the big scheme of things, that isn't that many. But on the other hand, that is four hundred people who have now (hopefully) been given a very negative view of Microsoft's cash-in decision to rush a broken, unfinished console to the market in order to beat out Sony and Nintendo. How many people will THEY say bad things about Microsoft to? How many people will the people they talk to say negative things about Microsoft to? At the end of the day, By jerking me around Microsoft has probably cost themselves AT LEAST a couple of thousand dollars worth of future business to avoid spending $200 to give me a working, functional console. Apparently, math is not this company's strong suit. My next blog post on this subject will be on the Soap Box. (If necessary.) Edit: If you think *I'm* harsh, you should listen to the wife while she takes HER turn on the phone. I'm not even the person on the other end of the line and she makes me want to hide under the bed. I'm so proud of her!
The Greatest Pitch Ever Thrown
by nocoolnamejim on Comments
Well, I've been pretty busy lately, but I don't want folks to think I've forgotten about them. For your viewing amusement, I have two very short videos of a pitcher to consider.
Candidate Number 1 Candidate Number 2 (Language Warning.) So...let the debate begin. Which of these two pitches deserves to be called "The Greatest Pitch Ever Thrown"?
Candidate Number 1 Candidate Number 2 (Language Warning.) So...let the debate begin. Which of these two pitches deserves to be called "The Greatest Pitch Ever Thrown"?
The Jesus Defense
by nocoolnamejim on Comments
"It's likely even Jesus would have OK'd water boarding if it would have saved his Mom. He would've done the same to save his Dad, or any one of His disciples. For that matter, He even died to save all humans." -Red State So, I've been sitting here for about five minutes now, rereading that quote over and over again. I'm afraid that I have nothing. This is SO anathema to any true reading and understanding of Christian morality and thought that I'm quite literally speechless.
Mass Effect 2
by nocoolnamejim on Comments
The new trailer/interview makes me whimper in anticipation, particularly when watched in HD. Konami can keep whatever milking MGS update that Kojima's new Countdown trailer likely indicates. My first response was something like "meh" and then "I guess it is too much to hope that the "S" stands for Suikoden VI for the 360 or PS3." High quality, single player, character and story driven, RPG titles remain the rarest and most beautiful of gems in the modern day gaming industry. It isn't that I wouldn't enjoy a new installment of MGS - if for no other reason than to gently mock the over-the-top story cheesiness factor that the last one had...but I'd probably personally kill GabuEx or btaylor for a chance to play a really good sequel to Suikoden V on a current generation platform. (Translation: NOT HANDHOLD!) But, that aside, I can't complain with some of the stellar gaming offerings that I've played recently. Persona 4, Prince of Persia, Gears of War 2, and Valkyria Chronicles have all been really excellent offerings. Even the "Beyond the Sword" expansion for Civilization IV, while not really a stand alone offering, was excellent. It can be hard to wait for such gems as Mass Effect 2, particularly when I break my own rules of not actually looking at trailers/previews/etc until a game is pretty close to release, but I can't say that the industry has been completely hopeless lately.
Phil Jackson is getting his *** handed to him.
by nocoolnamejim on Comments
To question the genius of a particular icon in the NBA is the equivalent of saying "The pope had a relationship with Al Qaeda." You just don't do it. But nevertheless, someone has to fall on this grenade. That someone may as well be me. Phil Jackson, winner of nine NBA titles as a coach, and currently the commandant of the Los Angeles Lakers is being beaten like a rented mule in the Western Conference semifinals by his counterpart Rick Adelman of the Houston Rockets. I cannot even begin to describe how badly Phil is currently being out coached. My linguistic skills are insufficient for this monumental task. Some things, like the hotness of Megan Fox in the last Transformers movie, defy easy description.
Nevertheless, an attempt must be made. If I have to get the stinkeye look from some of the people I work with for blogging on company time on a Friday afternoon, then at the very least Phil Jackson must be held to account for the fact that the Lakers, inexplicably, are now needing to play a Winner Take All elimination game seven against the Rockets Sunday. Let us count the ways that Phil is currently screwing the pooch right now. 1. Derek Fisher has no business starting for an NBA title contender. I love Fish. I've loved him for years. I watched him be a key contributor to three NBA title teams and a steadying veteran influence since joining the Lakers for a second tour of duty a couple of years ago. I still maintain that his incredible .4 second shot against the Spurs in the playoffs is the most orgasmic moment I've ever experienced as a sports fan. Still, he has been, and I don't know how to put it any more gently than this, absolutely horrific the last couple of months of this season. Derek Fisher is washed up. He doesn't have it any longer. Watching Phil continue to start him now is like watching a forty year old stripper continue to try and work her stuff at the local Spearmint Rhino. It's just sad and a little depressing.
2. Why hasn't Phil publicly torn Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum and Lamar Odom new "glory" holes for their play against a depleted Rockets front line? I'm not normally a numbers guy, despite doing pricing for a living. But if my faithful readers will indulge me for a moment, I want to list a few numbers for your review. Rockets: 6-9, 6-9 (Yeah right) and 6-6 Lakers: 7-0, 7-0, and 6-10 That would be the heights of the current front lines for the Lakers and the Rockets. The Rockets, of course, are missing all-star Yao Ming to a season ending injury and former all-star Dikembe Mutumbo to, yes, a season ending injury. And yet, the Lakers, inexplicably, are being pounded inside by this undersized and undermanned front line of the Rockets. Attention Laker bigs: since Phil is unwilling to do it, allow me to play the stern step-father type. Where the hell are your cojones?! My wife has more cojones than you're showing me right now. This is embarrassing. This is a disgrace. This is the NBA equivalent of Ashton Kutcher, Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves out-acting Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino and Morgan Freeman. How do you sleep at night?! And Phil, for the love of god, you have, in a past incarnation, publicly called out types like Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant and, yes, even Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippin, when you felt effort was lacking. Have you slipped into a coma?
3. Paging Kobe Bryant... Speaking of slipping into a coma...Mr. Bryant, your services are needed in Emergency Room 1. Specifically, take the ball to the ******* hole! I understand that you've played roughly 25,810 games without an offseason now. I get it that your legs have a lot of miles on them. I just don't give a rat's ***! You're applying for the job of the "Greatest Player of All-Time". Settling for contested, hand-in-your-face, mid-range jump shots all game long won't get the job done. Your services are required finishing at the rim. Man the **** up! That is all. Oh, wait, that isn't all. Phil, the buck stops with you. Again, just like with Lamar, Pau and Bynum...when something is wrong, it is your job to address it. 4. Two words: Luke. Walton. Seriously?! Luke Walton? Luke ******* Walton?! Phil...oh Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. Is Luke Walton still getting significant minutes this year's equivalent of Phil Jackson attempting to give Chris Mihm a comeback role in Game 5 of last year's NBA finals after not playing for months with an injury? Luke is different from Derek Fisher in one really significant way. Derek, who I will love to the day I die, is a has-been. Luke Walton is a never-was. He has no business being in the rotation for a championship contending team. He brings nothing. NOTHING I SAY! To the table. For the love of all that is holy. The Lakers better win Sunday's game or I swear I will not be held accountable for the consequences. Katrina. Mt. Vesuvius. Telemarketing. These disasters will pale in comparison to my wrath. Ye have been warned.
Nevertheless, an attempt must be made. If I have to get the stinkeye look from some of the people I work with for blogging on company time on a Friday afternoon, then at the very least Phil Jackson must be held to account for the fact that the Lakers, inexplicably, are now needing to play a Winner Take All elimination game seven against the Rockets Sunday. Let us count the ways that Phil is currently screwing the pooch right now. 1. Derek Fisher has no business starting for an NBA title contender. I love Fish. I've loved him for years. I watched him be a key contributor to three NBA title teams and a steadying veteran influence since joining the Lakers for a second tour of duty a couple of years ago. I still maintain that his incredible .4 second shot against the Spurs in the playoffs is the most orgasmic moment I've ever experienced as a sports fan. Still, he has been, and I don't know how to put it any more gently than this, absolutely horrific the last couple of months of this season. Derek Fisher is washed up. He doesn't have it any longer. Watching Phil continue to start him now is like watching a forty year old stripper continue to try and work her stuff at the local Spearmint Rhino. It's just sad and a little depressing.
2. Why hasn't Phil publicly torn Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum and Lamar Odom new "glory" holes for their play against a depleted Rockets front line? I'm not normally a numbers guy, despite doing pricing for a living. But if my faithful readers will indulge me for a moment, I want to list a few numbers for your review. Rockets: 6-9, 6-9 (Yeah right) and 6-6 Lakers: 7-0, 7-0, and 6-10 That would be the heights of the current front lines for the Lakers and the Rockets. The Rockets, of course, are missing all-star Yao Ming to a season ending injury and former all-star Dikembe Mutumbo to, yes, a season ending injury. And yet, the Lakers, inexplicably, are being pounded inside by this undersized and undermanned front line of the Rockets. Attention Laker bigs: since Phil is unwilling to do it, allow me to play the stern step-father type. Where the hell are your cojones?! My wife has more cojones than you're showing me right now. This is embarrassing. This is a disgrace. This is the NBA equivalent of Ashton Kutcher, Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves out-acting Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino and Morgan Freeman. How do you sleep at night?! And Phil, for the love of god, you have, in a past incarnation, publicly called out types like Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant and, yes, even Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippin, when you felt effort was lacking. Have you slipped into a coma?
3. Paging Kobe Bryant... Speaking of slipping into a coma...Mr. Bryant, your services are needed in Emergency Room 1. Specifically, take the ball to the ******* hole! I understand that you've played roughly 25,810 games without an offseason now. I get it that your legs have a lot of miles on them. I just don't give a rat's ***! You're applying for the job of the "Greatest Player of All-Time". Settling for contested, hand-in-your-face, mid-range jump shots all game long won't get the job done. Your services are required finishing at the rim. Man the **** up! That is all. Oh, wait, that isn't all. Phil, the buck stops with you. Again, just like with Lamar, Pau and Bynum...when something is wrong, it is your job to address it. 4. Two words: Luke. Walton. Seriously?! Luke Walton? Luke ******* Walton?! Phil...oh Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. Is Luke Walton still getting significant minutes this year's equivalent of Phil Jackson attempting to give Chris Mihm a comeback role in Game 5 of last year's NBA finals after not playing for months with an injury? Luke is different from Derek Fisher in one really significant way. Derek, who I will love to the day I die, is a has-been. Luke Walton is a never-was. He has no business being in the rotation for a championship contending team. He brings nothing. NOTHING I SAY! To the table. For the love of all that is holy. The Lakers better win Sunday's game or I swear I will not be held accountable for the consequences. Katrina. Mt. Vesuvius. Telemarketing. These disasters will pale in comparison to my wrath. Ye have been warned.
Quote of the Day - The Body
by nocoolnamejim on Comments
No, I'm not talking about the former supermodel that also was nicknamed "The Body". (Trivia time...anyone know who I am talking about?) I'm referring to Jesse "The Body" Ventura, former Governor of Minnesota, WWE (then WWF) professional wrestler, and Navy SEAL. [Quote="The Larry King Interview"] Jesse Ventura: I would prosecute every person who was involved in that torture. I would prosecute the people that did it, I would prosecute the people that ordered it, because torture is against the law." Larry King: You were a Navy S.E.A.L. Jesse Ventura: Yes, and I was waterboarded [in training] so I know... It is torture...I'll put it to you this way: You give me a waterboard, Dick Cheney and one hour, and I'll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders. This is the key point that is lost in the current debate on torture. Torture advocates will argue that torture can be justified if it saves American lives. Or, as they usually put it, "who cares what happens to terrorists?" leaving out the "suspected" word in front of the word "terrorists". They'll argue about ticking time bombs and Jack Bauer style last minute rescues. The problem of course is that torture just doesn't work! It is great for producing false confessions and worthless for anything else. There's an old joke that used to get told in Eastern Europe and the countries that were a part of the old Soviet Union. It goes something like this. One day Joseph Stalin was in his private office doing whatever it is tyrannical dictators do during their leisure time, when he decided to do some light reading. The problem was that he couldn't find his reading glasses. He looked all over the place for them, but they just were nowhere to be found. Being a bit of a paranoid type, he called in his KGB chief. "You must find the traitor who stole my reading glasses!" he said. "Of course comrade Stalin." replied the KGB chief. He left to carry out the premier's wishes. About a half hour later, Stalin happened to find his reading glasses underneath a book on his desk, so he called his KGB chief up on the phone. "You can stop searching for the traitor. I found my glasses." "But comrade Stalin, that's impossible." replied the KGB chief. "I already have three people who have confessed to stealing your glasses." The moral of the story is, of course, that when you beat the crap out of people and inflict extreme pain and anguish on them to the point that they can't even differentiate between what they know and what the interrogator wants them to say, they'll tell the interrogator anything he or she wants to hear to make the pain stop.
Like there are WMDs in Iraq. Like there was a relationship between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden. Like there are rabid pink bunnies involved in a plot to rape and murder Donald Rumsfeld. Most people learn this lesson in kindergarten the first time they are the victim of a vicious "Indian Burn" and made to cry out "Uncle" to make the Indian Burn stop. Here's a bonus quote for my conservative readers. [quote="President Ronald Reagan ratifying the UN Convention Against Torture in the US"] "The United States participated actively and effectively in the negotiation of the Convention . It marks a significant step in the development during this century of international measures against torture and other inhuman treatment or punishment. Ratification of the Convention by the United States will clearly express United States opposition to torture, an abhorrent practice unfortunately still prevalent in the world today. The core provisions of the Convention establish a regime for international cooperation in the criminal prosecution of torturers relying on so-called 'universal jurisdiction.' Each State Party is required either to prosecute torturers who are found in its territory or to extradite them to other countries for prosecution." This is not a partisan issue. This is not an issue of conservatives vs. liberals. This is not Republicans vs. Democrats. This is Right vs. Wrong. I don't care if it was Dick Cheney or Nancy Pelosi. If they were involved in turning the U.S. into a country that tortures, they should be prosecuted. If they were involved in lowering our country's sense of morality to the point that torture is actually a question that we're debating, even for an instant, as acceptable every day in our society, then they should be put in jail.
Like there are WMDs in Iraq. Like there was a relationship between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden. Like there are rabid pink bunnies involved in a plot to rape and murder Donald Rumsfeld. Most people learn this lesson in kindergarten the first time they are the victim of a vicious "Indian Burn" and made to cry out "Uncle" to make the Indian Burn stop. Here's a bonus quote for my conservative readers. [quote="President Ronald Reagan ratifying the UN Convention Against Torture in the US"] "The United States participated actively and effectively in the negotiation of the Convention . It marks a significant step in the development during this century of international measures against torture and other inhuman treatment or punishment. Ratification of the Convention by the United States will clearly express United States opposition to torture, an abhorrent practice unfortunately still prevalent in the world today. The core provisions of the Convention establish a regime for international cooperation in the criminal prosecution of torturers relying on so-called 'universal jurisdiction.' Each State Party is required either to prosecute torturers who are found in its territory or to extradite them to other countries for prosecution." This is not a partisan issue. This is not an issue of conservatives vs. liberals. This is not Republicans vs. Democrats. This is Right vs. Wrong. I don't care if it was Dick Cheney or Nancy Pelosi. If they were involved in turning the U.S. into a country that tortures, they should be prosecuted. If they were involved in lowering our country's sense of morality to the point that torture is actually a question that we're debating, even for an instant, as acceptable every day in our society, then they should be put in jail.
Quote of the Day: Dalai Lama
by nocoolnamejim on Comments
"As a child in Tibet, I was keenly curious about how things worked. When I got a toy I would play with it a bit, then take it apart to see how it was put together. As I became older, I applied the same scrutiny to a movie projector and an antique automobile. At one point I became particularly intrigued by an old telescope, with which I would study the heavens. One night while looking at the moon I realized that there were shadows on its surface. I corralled my two main tutors to show them, because this was contrary to the ancient version of cosmology I had been taught, which held that the moon was a heavenly body that emitted its own light. But through my telescope the moon was clearly just a barren rock, pocked with craters. If the author of that fourth-century treatise were writing today, I'm sure he would write the chapter on cosmology differently. If science proves some belief of Buddhism wrong, then Buddhism will have to change. In my view, science and Buddhism share a search for the truth and for understanding reality. By learning from science about aspects of reality where its understanding may be more advanced, I believe that Buddhism enriches its own worldview." -Dalai Lama (Hat tip to Andrew Sullivan) Jim thoughts: Gosh, I wish all religions would take this approach. Science and religion are not, and should not, be in conflict with one another. Faith is the belief in that which is not seen, that which cannot be proven. Science is the opposite. The two can have either a harmonious coexistence or a combative one, but they are inexorably tied to one another. In other news, my new blog about single player vs. coop/multiplayer gaming has gathered so many comments that I've given up on replying to all of them in a timely fashion, if at all. Once that blog has been pushed off the Soapbox I may try going back in and giving everyone a proper reply. Thanks for your patience and understanding.
Enough Multiplayer Please.
by nocoolnamejim on Comments
So, the big news of the day is that Bioshock 2 will have a multiplayer co-op component added to it.
Of course, if I use the word "news" doesn't it imply that this wasn't completely inevitable? Doesn't something have to be at least mildly unexpected for it to qualify as "news"? These days, a true singleplayer only game is as rare as a popular Republican politician. They're damned hard to find. Consider the trend.
Resident Evil 5 Uncharted 2 Bioshock 2 Knights of the Old Republic What do all these games have in common? They are all franchises that enjoyed great success as a singleplayer offering and, arguably, would have been better off staying that way. Instead, they are going to be multiplayer games and, in the case of KOTOR, MMORPGs. Damn it all. I'm old enough to remember the time when gaming was an antisocial experience. By god, you went into your room, closed the door, and provided you had the foresight to bring in some snacks and stimulative beverages with you before you began playing, you didn't emerge again until your eyes started bleeding from overuse or your bladder was about to explode. And you loved it! Some people might reasonably argue that "you don't have to play multiplayer if you don't want to" or "it won't come at the expense of a good singleplayer experience. It's a bonus." Respectfully, I must call "shenanigans" on that response.
Let's say for a moment that you have a budget of $10 million dollars to make a game. This is fixed. It does not change. You are given this $10 million to work with and told to make the best game possible. Let's speculate further that you're given three years to work on the game. This is also fixed. It is timed to coincide with a holiday season or some other business driven need. Now then, those are your constraints and you are told to make the best possible game while staying within those parameters. Other than that, you're widely given discretion on what to do with the game itself. Like those old-school "Choose Your Own Adventure" novels, you are at a crossroads. Scenario Number One:
Take the money and the three years and devote it exclusively to a singleplayer game. This results in a longer and more polished singleplayer experience. The game is less buggy. The story is more in-depth. The character development is more detailed. Unfortunately, some folks might claim a lack of replay value since there is no multiplayer component. Scenario Number Two: Split the money and time in some fashion between singleplayer and multiplayer aspects and claim that the singleplayer aspect will not be impacted. Realistically, how many of you out there genuinely believe that you can make an equally good singleplayer experience with $5 million dollars and a year and a half to work as you can with $10 million dollars and three years to work with? Logically, that's just plain ridiculous. Anyone who claims that adding a multiplayer aspect to a game won't result in a reduction, to some extent or another, to the singleplayer portion has not thought it through all the way. Or they are full of ****.
Now then, that doesn't mean we can't argue about how much of a reduction occurs by shifting development dollars, time and resources away from singleplayer. Can you have a game that adds a multiplayer component and remains spectacular? Absolutely. Is there a point of diminishing returns when it comes to focusing solely on a singleplayer game? Can you, at some point, reach a point where a game cannot be improved any further without adding new features like a multiplayer component? Sure. Do a lot of games reach that point?
No. If a lot of games reached that point, we'd see a lot more perfect ratings given from the critics who write the reviews. When I think of the greatest games that I've played over the years, I have a hard time coming up with any that have withstood the test of time that were multiplayer. I think of Planescape: Torment. I think of Star Control 2. I think of Fallout 1 and 2. I think of Max Payne 1 and Max Payne 2. I think of Knights of the Old Republic 1 and 2, or Grand Theft Auto Vice City and San Andreas. Heck, I think of Dragon Quest VIII, several of the Final Fantasy or Zelda games, or Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay.
I could go on, but my point is this. It is entirely possible to have a great game that has both singleplayer and multiplayer elements. However, it is highly unlikely to have a truly cla.ssic game that has both. Yes, for every rule there are exceptions. Some of the Blizzard games come readily to mind. I suspect there will be a generation gap in my responses. I'm thirty years old. I was raised on singleplayer. Younger gamers might beg to differ. Don't get me wrong. I am not fully and firmly opposed to all multiplayer games. Some games have been demonstrably better off as multiplayer. But typically, those are games where the main game isn't really intended to be a narrative, story-driven experience. Take Gears of War for example. Yes, it has a story. Yes, it even has some characters (and thus character development) in it. But they aren't really the focus. To this game, storywise and gameplay wise, it makes sense for it to be co-op or multiplayer driven. Some of the games I listed up above are not. Let's look at Bioshock. Part of the attraction of Bioshock was the environment. It was the "creepy" factor. You were alone and isolated and in the middle of a survival horror experience. How horrifying can it really be if you're listening to a mate chatter at you through your headset, or farting after too much bean dip beside of you on the couch? Don't you think that might ruin the mood at least a little bit? You can say the same thing about the Resident Evil games. Humans are, by nature, pack animals. We feel uncomfortable and concerned when we are isolated, particularly in dangerous situations. Adding a side kick reduces that feeling.
As for KOTOR: The MMORPG. Well, don't even get me started. Yeah, it will probably be cool for a bit. But really, how special is being a Jedi if you see a couple dozen of them run past you on the way to raid a couple of dozen Sith. How unique do you think that will feel? Please developers. Take some time and consider things. Does the game you're working on really need a multiplayer component? Will it fit the story and the overall game experience or just feel tacked on and gratuitous, a way to check off another box under "design requirements" somewhere? Alternatively, you could try and make Final Fantasy XIII multiplayer. You've taken just about every other franchise that direction so far. Why not go the rest of the way? Edit: Reader and fellow Soapboxer OrkHammer007 reminded me that Star Control 2 did have a multiplayer component called Super Melee which I had forgotten. I regret the error and thank Ork for the correction.
Of course, if I use the word "news" doesn't it imply that this wasn't completely inevitable? Doesn't something have to be at least mildly unexpected for it to qualify as "news"? These days, a true singleplayer only game is as rare as a popular Republican politician. They're damned hard to find. Consider the trend.
Resident Evil 5 Uncharted 2 Bioshock 2 Knights of the Old Republic What do all these games have in common? They are all franchises that enjoyed great success as a singleplayer offering and, arguably, would have been better off staying that way. Instead, they are going to be multiplayer games and, in the case of KOTOR, MMORPGs. Damn it all. I'm old enough to remember the time when gaming was an antisocial experience. By god, you went into your room, closed the door, and provided you had the foresight to bring in some snacks and stimulative beverages with you before you began playing, you didn't emerge again until your eyes started bleeding from overuse or your bladder was about to explode. And you loved it! Some people might reasonably argue that "you don't have to play multiplayer if you don't want to" or "it won't come at the expense of a good singleplayer experience. It's a bonus." Respectfully, I must call "shenanigans" on that response.
Let's say for a moment that you have a budget of $10 million dollars to make a game. This is fixed. It does not change. You are given this $10 million to work with and told to make the best game possible. Let's speculate further that you're given three years to work on the game. This is also fixed. It is timed to coincide with a holiday season or some other business driven need. Now then, those are your constraints and you are told to make the best possible game while staying within those parameters. Other than that, you're widely given discretion on what to do with the game itself. Like those old-school "Choose Your Own Adventure" novels, you are at a crossroads. Scenario Number One:
Take the money and the three years and devote it exclusively to a singleplayer game. This results in a longer and more polished singleplayer experience. The game is less buggy. The story is more in-depth. The character development is more detailed. Unfortunately, some folks might claim a lack of replay value since there is no multiplayer component. Scenario Number Two: Split the money and time in some fashion between singleplayer and multiplayer aspects and claim that the singleplayer aspect will not be impacted. Realistically, how many of you out there genuinely believe that you can make an equally good singleplayer experience with $5 million dollars and a year and a half to work as you can with $10 million dollars and three years to work with? Logically, that's just plain ridiculous. Anyone who claims that adding a multiplayer aspect to a game won't result in a reduction, to some extent or another, to the singleplayer portion has not thought it through all the way. Or they are full of ****.
Now then, that doesn't mean we can't argue about how much of a reduction occurs by shifting development dollars, time and resources away from singleplayer. Can you have a game that adds a multiplayer component and remains spectacular? Absolutely. Is there a point of diminishing returns when it comes to focusing solely on a singleplayer game? Can you, at some point, reach a point where a game cannot be improved any further without adding new features like a multiplayer component? Sure. Do a lot of games reach that point?
No. If a lot of games reached that point, we'd see a lot more perfect ratings given from the critics who write the reviews. When I think of the greatest games that I've played over the years, I have a hard time coming up with any that have withstood the test of time that were multiplayer. I think of Planescape: Torment. I think of Star Control 2. I think of Fallout 1 and 2. I think of Max Payne 1 and Max Payne 2. I think of Knights of the Old Republic 1 and 2, or Grand Theft Auto Vice City and San Andreas. Heck, I think of Dragon Quest VIII, several of the Final Fantasy or Zelda games, or Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay.
I could go on, but my point is this. It is entirely possible to have a great game that has both singleplayer and multiplayer elements. However, it is highly unlikely to have a truly cla.ssic game that has both. Yes, for every rule there are exceptions. Some of the Blizzard games come readily to mind. I suspect there will be a generation gap in my responses. I'm thirty years old. I was raised on singleplayer. Younger gamers might beg to differ. Don't get me wrong. I am not fully and firmly opposed to all multiplayer games. Some games have been demonstrably better off as multiplayer. But typically, those are games where the main game isn't really intended to be a narrative, story-driven experience. Take Gears of War for example. Yes, it has a story. Yes, it even has some characters (and thus character development) in it. But they aren't really the focus. To this game, storywise and gameplay wise, it makes sense for it to be co-op or multiplayer driven. Some of the games I listed up above are not. Let's look at Bioshock. Part of the attraction of Bioshock was the environment. It was the "creepy" factor. You were alone and isolated and in the middle of a survival horror experience. How horrifying can it really be if you're listening to a mate chatter at you through your headset, or farting after too much bean dip beside of you on the couch? Don't you think that might ruin the mood at least a little bit? You can say the same thing about the Resident Evil games. Humans are, by nature, pack animals. We feel uncomfortable and concerned when we are isolated, particularly in dangerous situations. Adding a side kick reduces that feeling.
As for KOTOR: The MMORPG. Well, don't even get me started. Yeah, it will probably be cool for a bit. But really, how special is being a Jedi if you see a couple dozen of them run past you on the way to raid a couple of dozen Sith. How unique do you think that will feel? Please developers. Take some time and consider things. Does the game you're working on really need a multiplayer component? Will it fit the story and the overall game experience or just feel tacked on and gratuitous, a way to check off another box under "design requirements" somewhere? Alternatively, you could try and make Final Fantasy XIII multiplayer. You've taken just about every other franchise that direction so far. Why not go the rest of the way? Edit: Reader and fellow Soapboxer OrkHammer007 reminded me that Star Control 2 did have a multiplayer component called Super Melee which I had forgotten. I regret the error and thank Ork for the correction.
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