Armageddon is upon us. Stock up on toilet paper and duct tape. I've gone Gold.

With the onslaught of multiplayer gaming in the last few years, much to the detriment of single-player experience, might I add, those of us who eschew faux online camaraderie with strangers are quickly becoming the gaming equivalent of Luddite dinosaurs. Since I pride myself on attempting to remain open-minded about most things, I recently learned how to play online with a friend. It was on the Wii, but hey, it still counts! Especially after she shot me when we were trying to figure out who was whom. Turns out we weren't in a match, it was just us. So when I respawned (now in my vocabulary, thank you), I shot her back. Four times. Then we found the online matches. We shot a couple people, they shot us back, rinse, repeat. Whee.

This not-very-heady experience (did I mention the Wii has no voice capability except in one stupid game? Good luck coordinating your efforts) pretty much sodded multiplayer for me as I had expected. But I keep hearing these reports of how much fun it is (on Xbox Live, with actual voice capabilities). I guess it helps if you actually know people online to talk to. I don't. But I saw an ad for Gamerchix Girls' Night on XBL, so I thought, what the heck. I'll give it another go sans the Halo Boys. The GC manifesta is one of congenial competitiveness, which I find far more appealing than the now-stereotypical foul-mouthed trashtalkers. The biggest problem of online gaming is the noob factor-there seems to be no allowance for a learning curve, but if you don't have experience in multiplayer, how do you get any if you're just going to be penalized, trash-talked, or downrated for the lack thereof? Especially when you'd rather play the actual game with a storyline instead of memorizing spawn points on every map available.

So I signed up and finally got myself an Xbox Live Gold membership, jumped into Fable II multiplayer (their selected game for that Wednesday night)...and spent an hour listening to whiny teenaged boys whose voices haven't yet broken begging for money and master weapons. Seriously? I even gave the one kid a pile of gold, seeing as I had a 9-figure bankroll, and he just kept whining for money without so much as acknowledging it. Charity aside, I just wanted him to shut up. I guess I'm too old and crotchety to hang with the Clearasil crowd. Since I don't know anyone and couldn't talk to anyone because we were all drowned out by aforementioned whiners, who kept repeating their hilariously hopeful gamertags (----- Assassin, ----hero) as if that would make them miraculously transform believably into their alter egos (which, apparently, are sizeable), I couldn't get a word in to ask anyone with settled hormones if they wanted to play co-op or trade those bloody dolls. At least not before the headset stopped working. Now I'm never going to get that wretched collector achievement, and while I usually don't care much about them, the probability of leaving only one or two undone is making me OCD.

In all fairness, Fable II doesn't have lobbies (see how quickly I learn?) where you can pick whom to play with, but geez. I think multiplayer as a sidebar innovation for single-player RPG is an interesting sidebar and maybe a nice component for those who like that sort of thing. However, I certainly hope my beloved RPGs don't go the way of shooters and completely give way to MMOs. Which is a whole 'nother story better told elsewhere, but suffice to say, if I may borrow a phrase, how special a Hero are you running around Bowerstone with 40 other "only heirs to the bloodline"? Yes, I know, the alternate universe schtick, but still.

I guess I am waiting for a more robust online experience that consists of more than just running around and shooting at each other. Fable II's rudimentary multiplayer is a step in that direction, a development I will watch with interest. Believe it or not, even the upcoming 1 vs. 100 looks mildly intriguing in a gameplay space, and I hate gameshows.

Don't get me wrong: I can see the appeal of playing online with friends, and understand the advent of social gaming in our increasingly electronically connected world. I don't understand, frankly, why couch co-op has died in favor of online--if a friend comes over, we can't play together in my living room, we have to be in our own houses? Doesn't seem very "social" to me. My friends with Xboxes aren't online, so what's a girl to do?

I have three months on this Gold membership, so next time the 'Chix play a game I actually have (maybe I'll pick up my third version of World at War), I can start my learning curve. If I still can't get into multiplayer, at least I got to register for a couple Gold-only contests, so I feel like I achieved something in this experiment. And maybe I'll dig through my pile of games and just randomly try multiplayer and see how it goes. I hate to feel like I'm missing out on any corner of gamerdom, see.

I will never value multiplayer over the single-player experience that I feel is the heart and soul of gaming, so I'm not going over to the dark side any time soon. But since multiplayer has become such a cornerstone of modern gaming, and has the potential to be I'd be remiss not to at least explore it before further griping about its increasing domain!

So a good friend of mine got mad at me the other day because I may have neglected on purpose to mention when my birthday is, because I do not care. So in retaliation, she sent me a Wii so I can play against her (or with her, when she stops being pissed off) online.

A, I have really awesome friends who amaze me, so here's my little happy gratitude balloon out to the universe.

B, I need help picking us some Wii games with multiplayer that do not suck. I see many Wii titles, but usually they look like they suck or are single-player only. If you have a Wii, and you play online, please help me, Obi Wan. We're planning on picking up Resi 4 and CoDWaW, and probably Madden 08 because she has that one already. Is Super Mario Galaxy or Wii Fit (don't laugh at old people) online, or couch co-op only? Clearly, I need to go shopping and talk to some teenagers, because my research is coming up empty. [Bemusement of the Day: If Gamespot emphasizes multiplayer so much, why don't they sort their game database by it?]

If I'm going to have a second console in my house making my PC jealous, I will be needing some decent single-player games to make the wrath worthwhile. No More Heroes, check. Metroid 3, check. ... ... Ok, I'm tapped out. Help me. Thank you.

Awhile back, Emma_UK, everybody's favourite newshound, wrote a feature on the worst promotional items ever sent to Gamespot UK staff by game publishers. I love Emma's artistic photo blogs (go check them out), but this was by far the funniest. I felt compelled, being the demented little mafia princess I am, to offer, tongue in cheek, to take what she felt was the worst one off her hands. I was kidding. Apparently, her sense of humor is drier than mine, and she called my bluff--and sent me The Finger. (Never try to out-British the British.) It was designed to promote (positively, one assumes) the recent Jericho game. She called it horrible. I call it inspired. It really is creepily realistic.

Emma asked only in return that she get photos of The Finger in its new habitat. I was not only happy to oblige, I did her one better: reaction shots of my colleagues. I am an editor, and we have one insane coworker (to use the noun loosely), a pathological liar incompetent moron supposed typesetter, who cannot spell and has recently taken to typing in all caps. I told everybody I'd finally had enough and had found another use for my red pen. Wacky hijinks ensued. Please note that three believed, for just a fraction of a second, thus cementing my reputation, if not anyone's kneecaps. Heh. I so win.

I offer my humble thanks to the delightful Emma Boyes and the staff of Gamespot UK for parting with this gem. I've gotten a lot of mileage out of it so far. If you guys have regrets and ever want it back, just let me know.

The Finger, complete with Jericho promo card and inexplicable sticky black goo in which it arrived.

The Finger action shot in its new home, surfing Gamespot.

Disclaimer: the mousepad was a gift, only because of The King.

My evil twin

Shares office with aforementioned moron

The chill one

The usually funny one

My ugly mug, giving you the finger!

1. Dr. Liara T'Soni. She's an archaeologist, she's sweet-natured and surprisingly funny ("I vote we go into the creepy underground bunker!"), she can throw aliens off space stations with biotic magic, and she's blue.

2. The breathtaking planetscapes. Sometimes I drive up to the top of a jagged mountain range just to see it juxtaposed with the atmosphere and moons. The colors, the terrains, even those weird little anteater, cow, and monkey things, all contribute to a stunning level of immersion. As for the frequent complaints of similar-looking bases, I figure some company makes those intergalactic trailers and drops them off wherever you need an impromptu base. If they program every one differently, it will take forever and go to multiple discs. Get over it and enjoy the scenery.

3. The Mako. That vehicle was just plain fun to drive. I loved watching the dirt or snow spit out from under the tires, I loved the rocket boost that got me over cliffs and dodged rockets and thresher spit, and I loved the gravitic stabilizers that meant even I couldn't flip it. (Except that once, but I think it was a glitch.) Some people complained about how "unrealistic" the Mako is--in a science fiction video game that takes place two centuries from now among six other species. You were expecting Forza? Tell you what, you don't like the Mako? Try driving that wretched Warthog, then call me.

4. The Normandy. What an awesome ship. It looks like a bird of prey, and not just the Klingon kind. She's sleek and graceful and angular, and I wish we could actually fly her in a firefight in the next game.

5. The most awesome baseball hat ever. Yes, I have it. Yes, I wear it everywhere and when I play. Yes, I am aware that I am a colossal nerd, but at least I am not stupid or useless like a celebutard debutante heiress.

6. The Trek-like ensemble cast. Much has been made of the balancing act their various combat abilities bring to the gameplay, but I was more impressed by the disparate personalities that drive the story. I have played various missions several times just to take along different characters to see how they react and hear their one-liners. I'm on my second run, and I'm going to make at least two more, maybe on the PC rather than the Xbox version, just to play more characters on the limited squad. I like these people (well, the aliens, anyway). Fearless Leader Shepard counts as two, paragon and renegade, depending on how (many times) you play. One character, however, merits a line item on its own, and for much different reason:

7. Ashley Williams's dreadful personality, which has already been well and thoroughly analyzed, but I'm going to do it again. Sure, she's a gung-ho, bigoted killing machine, but in a firefight against evil robotic aliens intent on destroying all organic life, that's a good thing. She serves another, crucial purpose: to remind us of our humanity. Now that (it's an RPG, work with me here) we're out among the stars, exploring the galaxy, meeting new life and new civilizations, everything's going to be just great, and we're all going to achieve enlightenment and live in peace and harmony. Right. We humans have a tendency to "other," "us" against "them," which in a sci-fi game or show generally means humans vs. the other species. While some, and hopefully most, folks are interested in meeting new cultures, we know here on planet Earth it doesn't always work that way, so it probably won't in space, either. So while you have Commander Shepard's merry interspecies band of intergalactic saviors, there's a discordant note in that harmony: Ashley Williams.

As evidenced by the exotic-looking Captain Anderson, Ambassador Udina, and Kaiden Alenko (in Drew Karpyshyn's backstory book, "Revelations," he happily notes that humans aren't really racially divided or pureblooded anymore, and most everyone is a healthy mix of many races), humanity in the late 22d century has apparently, thankfully, finally managed to get over itself and mostly get along at home...which means some apparently are looking for new people to hate. Ashley reminds us that, although we've worked some stuff out on Earth, human nature is what it is, and still has some final frontiers to cross. Despite her insistence that the turians are responsible for her family's blacklist in the Alliance military, it is subtly evident that her unrelenting anger towards the turians and knee-jerk distrust of every other species is incongruous enough in that day and age that even fellow humans have tried to keep her as physically isolated as her views are, so as not to cause diplomatic embarrassment to the whole species--or ignite another war. If you run through her dialogue options, you will discover her ironic juxtaposition to her own younger sister; the sister, whom Ash adores and protects, is a much more forgiving person, and the gunnery sergeant has failed to understand let alone learn from her example, clinging instead to the cherished illusion of martyrdom that the First Contact War ruined her family. She is blissfully un-self-aware as she relates the sister's story to Shepard, but we, the audience, quickly realize that Ashley's insistence on guns-blazing victimhood is not the way to advance humanity's interests (or the gameplay) if we hope to survive and expand throughout the galaxy. Ashley's presence is at once instructive and actually a nice touch to keep the storyline from descending into a vat of saccharine, which, given the hopeful stance of the game, it could easily have done. Ashley does get credit for minor growth when advising Shepard to check on Liara after Benezia dies; apparently, grief really is universal, even for bigots. Ashley serves as a nice counterpoint to Shepard and to Kaiden, who understand that we have to get along in order to survive. The best part about Ashley is that I have never before seen such a hateful bigot in a video game. We get murderous psychopaths, Nazis, and other crazies, but vocal racists? And game Nazis never spew their dogma, they're just there, we know they're evil, and we shoot at them, and they're never, ever on our team. It may be that she's not the absolute first, but it is, again, a nice touch of audacious realism that apparently only Bioware has the stones to pull off.

8. The character creation module prior to gameplay almost blows even The Sims 2 out of the water for sheer exponential customization options; Mass Effect would still win if users could mod and add options (like better hair). This is the happiest direction RPGs are going in. In shooters, it's less jarring because you only ever see a hand no matter what the name is, but in an RPG, customization is the new star of the show. I love being able to create my Shepard, make her--HER--look the way I envision the character, and not have to play as a guy for the umpteenth time because devs think "women don't play games" or "men don't want to play as a chick." It took me an hour. Usually, I don't waste a lot of time in game prep stuff because I just want to get in and play, but this time felt different, felt epic, and I took time and care and I'm just thrilled. I can identify more, and thus more easily get into the game, the role, than with some guy I definitely don't identify with. On the PC, I'm going to play a different Shepard, vanguard or sentinel, and maybe even a dude. But either way, I'm keeping the scar.

9. That red and black Colossus armor. I've scored it for four of my team, and it looks so awesome. I'd love to be able to slap that N7 on any armor, though.

10. The voice actors, particularly female Shepard. If you played the demo for Two Worlds and subsequently refused to play the whole thing, you know how truly bad voice acting can pull you right out of a game, make you unable to suspend your disbelief, and ruin the entire experience. The voiceovers were done by truly professional actors, and the animators did a bangup job of synchronizing the lip and facial movements. For voice and animation, this game is truly pioneering. They got some big names in for notoriety, but the lesser or unknowns were, frankly, better. I love Marina Sirtis, but her Benezia was a little campier than necessary, and Seth Green's voiceover of Joker, the pilot I otherwise liked, didn't fit the character. Shepard and the squad members, however, turn in flawless performances. Guinness weighed in Mass Effect at approximately 20,000 lines of dialogue in total for all possibilities; that's nearly 20 movies' worth of speech for the price of 6 movie tickets. Not only is this game a great play, it's a great watch, too.

BONUS: The Flux dance. Nothing else quite says Friday night like full body armor and guns strapped to your back.

edit 3/31: Bonus 2: Xbox achievements you can finally care about because they are actually useful and unlock abilities for future characters, thus adding to the replay value.

It's done. I have a vehicle. She's 8 months old, with only 13,000 miles on her, driven by 4 people. I got it at Enterprise, which gives the same certified guarantee as a Toyota dealer, but without the car salesmen, who ignored everything I said I wanted, like I'm too stupid to know what I want, and kept trying to push me into buying a 2009. So I bailed. I hate pushy. The guys at Enterprise are on salary. If they sell a bunch of cars, they probably get bonuses. If not, they sell them to other dealers or wholesalers. They are much, much nicer. And it's still under the 3-year factory warranty, too. Shazaam!

The best part is, it's silver inside and out--not a speck of beige anywhere...until I christened it appropriately this morning, when I spilled coffee all over the cupholders, which do not hold a standard coffee mug like my old gearwell did. Clearly, I need to rethink my morning coffee strategy. Luckily, I'd already installed the standard box of Kleenex.

Since I had the camera in the driveway, here's the view from my yard for your random enjoyment. Lake Tahoe is on the other side.

Tomorrow, the DMV. So concludes the Saga of The Car. The vanity tags are $36, which isn't awful, so I think I'll go for it. This little cow town could use a little more personality! (And Greek food, in case you know anyone who wants to open a restaurant.)

I'm going to have to procure new license plates for my next car (if I ever find one I want; good lord do I hate car shopping) since I'm not getting the old ones back, and one was demolished anyway. So I decided I'd get personalized tags. On my first car in Virginia, I had personal tags, since they're only ten bucks more, and the whole state has them. Here, not so much, so my chances of getting one I want are greater. We get 7 characters. What a dumb number. I need 8!

Which leads to my current dilemma. I need help from like-minded folks (that would be y'all) to pick which plate I get, though I'm willing to entertain additional suggestions. I either want a Ravens plate (if I can get one that's recognizable, but this far west of the Mississippi, odds aren't so bad) or, surprise, Mass Effect. Did I mention that it is The Greatest Game Ever Made? So my game or my team? Pity I can't have one on the front and the other on the back. So please cast your vote so I don't get kicked out of the DMV. I have a hard time with decisions. It takes me 10 minutes at McDonald's, and I've been going there for 35 years. Help me, Obi Wans--you're my only hope.

Last month I listed, mostly for my own sake, because I deserve no sympathy, my hideously overwhelming backlog of games. I figured having it all there in black and white would help me focus on actually finishing games, and actually playing them instead of spending all my time here just talking about them. Duh. So I am proud to report that I got off my duff and got to 'work.' So here are my achievements (screw XBL, finishing is enough for me) and impressions, in case anyone cares. I've noticed some members, like totalgridlock and princesszelda, do blogs with favorites, finishes, and acquisitions, and I have found them very entertaining and informative, and it's a good way to keep myself honest, so I thought I'd give it a go. Do not count on me to be a regular or as good as they are. Realistically, I'll probably still be replaying Mass Effect until the second installment arrives. Or until May 8, when the PC version arrives. Oh yeah, I'll be getting that too. So I can bring it to work. The ME DTs aren't pretty, you see.

Drumroll, please. I have actually finished:

The Longest Journey (PC) A neat story, and not nearly as annoying an interface as adventures usually have, and also because the heroine is a total smartass, rather like me. This is not a children's game, let me tell you. The depth of the story, and its deft handling of sensitive subjects that actually add to the game--nothing gratuitous about this game--not to mention the dialog options, make this Bioware-worthy (see below). It came with the GOTY of Dreamfall, which I have started.

Mass Effect (aka, The Greatest Game Ever Made), the first runthrough; I am halfway through my second go, in which Cmdr. Shepard isn't nearly as nice, but is still totally ga-ga over Liara, and so are you.

Sid Meier's Pirates! (PC) I now get paid to play video games. Business is so slow that I have to be in the office in case something comes through, but if it doesn't, because it's so very, very slow, I have installed games on the spare drive. Our IT liaison said if she didn't know something was on there, who could blow the whistle? So I keep busy and out of trouble--unless seducing 27 governors' daughters, sacking 13 cities, killing 9 pirate kings, and sinking the Armada counts as staying out of trouble. Pirates are cool.

I have started:

Jade Empire (XBOX) (because I have become, alarmingly quickly, a Bioware fangirl/whore), and it is awesome

Dreamfall: The Longest Journey Good game, good story, excellent voice acting, more like interactive fiction, which to me is a very good thing (I'm ready for my holodeck, Mr. DeMille), but sadly interrupted by The Greatest Game Ever Made.

The Witcher, which, by virtue of being Polish, is awesome.

Puzzle Quest This game will steal your soul. Thanks to Smadiso1 for hooking me up with a copy. I'm pretty sure he's trying to distract me and steal my Xbox.

Also, because I need to declare a moratorium but Gamestop is right next to Chili's and the Chinese place, and people keep needing stuff at Best Buy and bringing me along without adult supervision, I have acquired:

KOTOR (XBOX) (it was 9 bucks at Gamestop, where I was, in my defence, to get a gift cert for a birthday)
KOTOR II (PC)
The aforementioned fabulous Jade Empire. Yep, it's been Bioware month at the movies.
Tomb Raider: Anniversary (360) A birthday gift from a friend. Who am I to stop her?

The backlog isn't going to improve, either, because forthcoming are:

The Sims 2 Free Time (yes, Arcadius, I said it in public, and I refuse to be cowed or ashamed!)
God of War Chains of Olympus (PSP) already on preorder, because it's just necessary, and he has a red body tattoo.
Far Cry 2, aka The horror! The horror!
And the grandaddy of them all, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. Clearly, I'm going to have to bring my Xbox to work.

I did exercise some restraint and after playing the demo put Turning Point: Fall of Liberty on the rental list. If I am ever allowed to Gamefly, because I have enough to do as it is, according to my spreadsheet. And I'd better hurry up with it, because Spore arrives in September, Fable 2 is on the way (you can have a labrador, making it automatically awesome), and the world will stop for Fallout 3 (PC, of course). They said 2008 couldn't top 2007? Seriously? Maybe for quantity, but not quality, which is a dead heat. The only way 2008 could get better is if Mass Effect 2 came out early. Or Jade Empire 2 was announced.

Here's my PSA to my fellow gamers: WEAR YOUR SEATBELT every time you get in a car. I don't care what car, where you're going, or whatever sorry excuse you come up with not to. Here's why.

That is my car. Yesterday. Or, at least, it was. That's Ty, the really nice, patient, and professional tow guy.

I was attempting to deliver my old computer (the H/Dell, which ChiliDragon noted awhile back) to my buddy Dave in San Jose (I do know the way), so that he might e-mail me, and play Command and Conquer again. Instead, I hit a patch of dirt--yes, plain old soft dirt mixed with gravel--in the roadway. Not snow, snowmelt, oil, nada, just dirt, while observing the speed limit of 55 mph. The car spun, I tried to steer into it, then overcorrected, the bumper clipped the snowbank, and rolled four times before ending up at a 45 degree angle to the yellow lines. Three of the (brand-new, dammit) tires blew out, but the car still turned on, just couldn't move. The cage was dented, but held, and I opened the door and got out. A lady who stopped to help me looked at the car and said god saved me. I said, "god and Toyota," because boy oh boy do they make solid cars. I have no particular fear of death, but I don't want to go stupidly or in a raging cliche. I'm just glad I didn't bring my dog with me. Or the Xbox.

The paramedics asked me what day it was. I didn't know, and they looked worried, but I didn't know before I left. I did know it was Sunday, that I had Monday off for Presidents Day and was going to need it, and it was February in California. That and the lack of spinal distress seemed to satisfy them. The cop said it was a freak thing that could have happened to anyone, but the eyewitness reports not only told him what happened, but that I was going the speed limit, so no tickie to add insult to injury, yay. Of course, the car had four brand-new tires, a new stereo, and was recently paid off, so Murphy got me.

This is the front of what is left. The other headlight is in the backseat along with the bumper and both left-side windows, one of which I used my head to remove; the computer flew through the other. (ha ha, this time a computer crashed windows instead of vice versa.) I found my eyeglasses (the prescription sunglasses are pretty much toast) and my cell phone, which of course had no signal up in the deep Sierra. And I salvaged my Ravens floormats, but the jacket was toast. (I have already ordered a new one, ditto licence plate frame, from the NFL.) The tow guy let me use his office phone to call my buddy, who drove across California to pick me up and take me back home because he is awesome. So it started as a crappy day that turned out okay, because I was in a safe car with a seatbelt on and I have really great friends. Three cheers for Toyota. I already have a call in to the dealer for another Corolla, because they are amazing. I even get an insurance discount for safety, and now I know why. And they've been really great so far--three more cheers for State Farm.

I have to tell you that no matter how old you are, whether the car is paid for, if you're employed and on your own, you never, ever, want to have to call your parents and tell them you wrecked the car, especially when they're in medical professions. I almost didn't, but I was roundly chastised for even thinking of balking. However, I should have told my mom to take a heart pill first, and I suspect she's eaten at least three. She's fine now. After three phone calls. So yes, I'm calling the doctor tomorrow (they were closed today), and yes, I have an ice pack on my head and a heating pad everywhere else. I have a little slice on my neck where the belt clipped me, and weird miscellaneous bruises from various little impacts, and a goose egg on my left temple, but I'm otherwise just fine. I never had time to be scared or tense up, so I'm not as sore as you'd think, and I probably feel much better than I have any real right to. So kids, wear your seatbelts. And keep heavy work gloves in the car. And wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident. This public service message has been brought to you by Toyota and the California Highway Patrol.

Edit: My good buddy Smadiso1 has informed me of a game I need to play. Too funny! Wish I had a Gameboy! Besides him, I mean.