Ultimate joke-telling thread of joke-telling awesomeness

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

wanna hear a dirty joke?

rolling in mud!

two cannibals are eating a clown

One looks at the other one and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

A pirate walks into a doctor's office with a wheel around his crotch and says, "AARRRRR!!! They're driving me nuts!"Genetic_Code

Imagiary on that one always gets me

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

MicWazowski

Man, I knew a few jokes but it's been awhile since I said any of them. I'm pretty rusty.

-If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of Congress?

- How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? - One, but it takes three episodes to finish.

- Woman: I was feeling generous today, so I gave a dollar to a bum.

Friend: What did your husband say?

Woman: Thank you.

-What is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

- Why is the word 'mnemonic' hard to spell?

-You park in the driveway but drive in the parkway...that doesn't make sense!

I'm getting lazy and forgetfull, so here are some random Bush quotes:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

"That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental—supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel." –George W. Bush, Erie, Pa., Sept. 4, 2004

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." —Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001

"There's an old…saying in Tennessee…I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says Fool me once…(3 second pause)… Shame on…(4 second pause)…Shame on you….(6 second pause)…Fool me…Can't get fooled again." –George W. Bush to Nashville, Tennessee audience, Sept. 17, 2002, MSNBC-TV –Politex, Sept. 17, 2002, 10 PM

"There's no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world's worst weapons." –George W. Bush, South Bend, Indiana, Sept. 5, 2002.

"As you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say." –George W. Bush, 10.28.03.

wanna hear a dirty joke?

rolling in mud!

lonewolf604

you wanna hear a real good joke...

honda racing

What do you call a cow with no legs

Ground beef.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of ice cream + one dead baby.

What's the difference between an Irishman and a fridge?

You can't fit 10 dead babies in an Irishman.

:| U fort i waz gunna be racistz!!!

What's more disgusting than a pile of dead babies?

-A live baby at the bottom eating its way out.

Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men?

-He thought it was a Delivery Service.

Women's rights.

I have LOADS of more sexist, racist, and funny jokes, but I would unfortunately get moderated.

I would use the typical joke I hear on XBL, which is just:

Women's Rights

But that's probably not considered funny here, and I can see why.

Anyway, here's one:

You've got a lawyer whose buried in the sand all the way up to his neck.

What is the problem with this scenario?

I would use the typical joke I hear on XBL, which is just:

Women's Rights

But that's probably not considered funny here, and I can see why.

Anyway, here's one:

You've got a lawyer whose buried in the sand all the way up to his neck.

What is the problem with this scenario?

-TheSecondSign-

Not enough sand.

Little Jimmy's grandmother is laying in the recliner passed out sleeping. Little Jimmy looks over from watching cartoons and realizes Granny doesn't have any underwear on under her skirt. A few minutes later Little Jimmy's mother comes home. Jimmy runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy Mommy, Grandma has a shrimp between her legs." Little Jimmy's mother looks over at Grandma, still passed out with her legs propped up, and says,"Jimmy that's not a shrimp, that's her cli***is." Little Jimmy looks up at his mom and says,"Oh, well it sure does taste like shrimp."camarowu

Holy dear mother of God lord Jesus Christ. I'm at work and that made me feel really sick.

[QUOTE="camarowu"]Little Jimmy's grandmother is laying in the recliner passed out sleeping. Little Jimmy looks over from watching cartoons and realizes Granny doesn't have any underwear on under her skirt. A few minutes later Little Jimmy's mother comes home. Jimmy runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy Mommy, Grandma has a shrimp between her legs." Little Jimmy's mother looks over at Grandma, still passed out with her legs propped up, and says,"Jimmy that's not a shrimp, that's her cli***is." Little Jimmy looks up at his mom and says,"Oh, well it sure does taste like shrimp."DabsTight703

Holy dear mother of God lord Jesus Christ. I'm at work and that made me feel really sick.

ohh dude. ur gettin a ban 4 sure. XD

What do you call a woman with no legs....

A dirty ****.

What actor is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

I hope I don't get modded for that.

I once killed an evil sheep. Why? Because it was baaad.

That never gets old >_>

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor?

I lol'ed so hard when I first heard this.

Why are pirates so cool...?

They just AAARRRRRRR!!!!

How did the shepard find the sheep in the tall grass?

-Very satisfying.

...camarowu

OMG! That is so right, yet so wrong. OMG, OMG.

You are teh epic :P

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Duh-dun tchh!

What did the travelers say to the giant bowls of salads blocking their path?

[spoiler] Lettuce through! [/spoiler]

[QUOTE="camarowu"]Little Jimmy's grandmother is laying in the recliner passed out sleeping. Little Jimmy looks over from watching cartoons and realizes Granny doesn't have any underwear on under her skirt. A few minutes later Little Jimmy's mother comes home. Jimmy runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy Mommy, Grandma has a shrimp between her legs." Little Jimmy's mother looks over at Grandma, still passed out with her legs propped up, and says,"Jimmy that's not a shrimp, that's her cli***is." Little Jimmy looks up at his mom and says,"Oh, well it sure does taste like shrimp."DabsTight703

Holy dear mother of God lord Jesus Christ. I'm at work and that made me feel really sick.

:o

I hope I want get banned for this...

In prison cell are sitting:the guy that likes to "have fun" with animals(zoophile?),necrophile,sadist and masochist.

suddenly the "zoophile" says:"I'd like to have fun with a cat"

sadist says:"yeah and then hit it with a hammer"

necrophile says:"and then once again when it's dead"

and the masochist says:"MEOW".

what did bill gates' wife say when they came back from their hunnymoon?

"Now i know why they call it microsoft."

I hope I want get banned for this...

In prison cell are sitting:the guy that likes to "have fun" with animals(zoophile?),necrophile,sadist and masochist.

suddenly the "zoophile" says:"I'd like to have fun with a cat"

sadist says:"yeah and then hit it with a hammer"

necrophile says:"and then once again when it's dead"

and the masochist says:"MEOW".

czort666

Brilliant. This made my day.

I was walking down the beach one day and I saw a lady with no legs or arms crying. I asked her, "Why are you crying?" She said "I've never been kissed before." So I leaned down and kissed her ever so lovingly. However she kept on crying. I asked her again. "Why are you still crying?" She said "I've never been F***ed before either." So I picked her up and tossed her in the ocean and said "Your f***ed now!" :)Morphic

Little Jimmy's grandmother is laying in the recliner passed out sleeping. Little Jimmy looks over from watching cartoons and realizes Granny doesn't have any underwear on under her skirt. A few minutes later Little Jimmy's mother comes home. Jimmy runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy Mommy, Grandma has a shrimp between her legs." Little Jimmy's mother looks over at Grandma, still passed out with her legs propped up, and says,"Jimmy that's not a shrimp, that's her cli***is." Little Jimmy looks up at his mom and says,"Oh, well it sure does taste like shrimp."camarowu

I'm usually not for sexist/racist jokes. But I couldn't help but laugh at this one...

Women are only good for 70 things.

The 69 and cooking.

My girlfriend told me I needed to treat her like a princess. So I put her in a Mercedes and crashed her into a tunnel.D3nnyCrane