Wife wants me to let her brother move into our house...

She wants us to help him get back on his feet.

He's a junkie and in and out of jail. She talked me into giving him a chance.

I am gong to write a set of rules for him to follow. What do you guys think?

1. No illegal activities and/or drug use on the homeowners property.

2. No guests of the guest allowed on the premises without either homeowners present and their full consent.

3. The guest's privacy will be respected, however the homeowners reserve the right to enter and inspect the guest room at any time for both cleanliness and for technical purposes, as the guest room houses technology the homeowner must access.

4. The guest must maintain a cleanliness standard that equates to the homeowner's standards. No food, dishes, or silverware shall be left in the guest room overnight.

5. The guest is allowed to stay in the guest room for a period of 6 months, terminating on xxx, xxxx, 2015.

6. The guest must make adequate efforts to create financial stability for himself. The guest must be willing to demonstrate these efforts to the homeowners at their request through either bank statements, demonstration of cash, or other means that satisfy the homeowners requirements.

7. The guest shall not encroach on the master bedroom or daughter's room at any time without receiving prior permission from the homeowners or risk being shot and/or killed as a unlawful trespasser.

8. The guest is welcome to utilize technology installed in the house, however any damages to the equipment by the guest or anyone the guest represents are the sole fiscal responsibility of the guest(including, but not limited to computers, televisions, servers, internet connectivity devices, media streaming devices etc…)

9. The guest will be allowed use of a laptop (Dell Inspron 700) while staying in the house. The guest will let the homeowners know of any software required for his use, and the homeowners will install it for him. The laptop's primary purpose is for career advancement (school, job searching, etc), but any other legal uses are acceptable.

10. The guest must respect the homeowners work schedules and the homeowners daughter's schedule. Please no loud music or noise after 7pm.

11. The homeowners will provide dinners for the guest, if wanted, and for the guest's children when present.

Are WE moving in? Save the list for him.

Edit: To be honest it's your wife's brother so you don't really have a choice and the fact is you're already writing rules for him. All I can say is good luck.

1 rule, 1 strike and you are out. Zero tolerance.

Will he be allowed to play games in laptop?

He's going to break the rules but your wife will plead to give him another chance. You will give in, like you already have, and this will go on and on for years. Good luck!

I'm going to be a little less dismissive than this lot (shame on you, guys =P) and say that rules are important but I don't quite agree with the way you are doing it...the list seems to address someone who's something less than human, undesirable and repulsive...maybe that's how you think of him but I doubt that's how you want to approach someone who's going to live in your house.

Talk to your wife...you already agreed to let him stay so she needs to make some concessions to allow you some comfort. Talk to him as well, but drop the superiority act...yes, you are allowing him to stay and that's great but don't pretend you're doing this for his sake. Giving someone a list is very unfriendly...why not talk to the guy and explain to him in a friendly manner how your household works? Isn't that what you would like if you needed to stay over at someone's house? Or would you prefer to have a list shoved in your face and told to **** off?

@kokomo88: I think you're being a little bit of a dick. He's your brother-in-law. How about you treat him like the family he is instead of a tenant?

"7. The guest shall not encroach on the master bedroom or daughter's room at any time without receiving prior permission from the homeowners or risk being shot and/or killed as a unlawful trespasser."

lol

just lol

I say just give him a chance. Give wildlife a chance.

"7. The guest shall not encroach on the master bedroom or daughter's room at any time without receiving prior permission from the homeowners or risk being shot and/or killed as a unlawful trespasser."

I assume that the brother-in-law is a convicted sex offender?

"7. The guest shall not encroach on the master bedroom or daughter's room at any time without receiving prior permission from the homeowners or risk being shot and/or killed as a unlawful trespasser."

Are you really gonna shoot the guy? lol

I agree with Korvus. Don't do the note, it's almost offensive. Begin with your voice, it carries a lot more weight being in person than a paper ever will. Be respectful, and allow a positive approach.

If there are requirements then simply tell them to him, he will accept them.

I'd say presenting a list like that just makes you look like a huge dick. Make it clear to the guy that drugs aren't to be used anywhere in or around the house and he's there to get his life back on track, but don't make him feel like the scum of the earth.

Your wife is going to pick up on that fairly fast if she hasn't already.

Somebody's going to jail ...

I would also put in a "time clause". Let him know this isn't open ended.

He can just kick him out if he doesn't obey his rules. He could even call the police if he refuses to leave on his own accord.

Its her house too.

Depends on how much his wife has his back.

This is about to go downhill.

If he takes him into his home the guy will turn into Will Smith? Sounds like a good deal!

Oh, I would definitely let Will Smith stay in my house...

Hmmm it is hard to say since we dont know what kind of danger he is. But alway fly on the side of caution.

Giving a FAMILY member a list like that is an extremely d-bag thing to do. You are treating him as if he is an inmate. Be a PERSON and have sit down with him and explain to him how things are done in your home.

Couldn't agree more. That list is ridiculous and the fact you would come on the internet and share your personal situation that should stay between family says a lot about what type of person the op is. Get off your high horse fella and act like a man. Sit bro-in-law down for a face to face and lay things out for him. And for the love of god, stop airing dirt laundry out over the internet... a gaming forum no less where the majority of people here are kids.

7. The guest shall not encroach on the master bedroom or daughter's room at any time without receiving prior permission from the homeowners or risk being shot and/or killed as a unlawful trespasser.

I wonder if you are making this rule because he has engaged in drug use and been incarcerated multiple times, or you would tell any guest this.

Personally, I wouldn't let someone with that history live in the same house with my daughter, family or not. Also, your wife may think this is helping him out, but it's more enabling than anything... knowing there is someone there to help you when you mess up is something that allows these types of people to mess up again. If you really want to help him, I'm sure the state has many programs and shelters that actually know what they are doing.

I'd suggest you treat him like a human being, no "risk being shot" stuff. set up some rules but make it "no drugs" and "clean up your shit", not "I consider you a potential pedophile".

Treat him like a child and with hostility and you're guaranteed disaster. If you're that concerned, you're better off insisting on him living elsewhere.

Edit: Also, I think you're being way too harsh if all he's done is some drugs.

@BiancaDK: I also found that rule to be slightly ridiculous...

as for the whole "family member" thing, there's no reason for him to love his brother-in-law. His reasons to dislike him may be perfectly well justified. Also TC, you'll know better than anyone how much you can trust the guy, so the list seems good to me, though you might want to soften up the language used to not make him feel like an inmate.

The only thing I find disagreeable is the 7pm deadline for noise. I mean it's 7pm, there's still light out and people doing things...

People like that are parasites who will voraciously suck the blood of anyone who is willing to be a host. He will continue manipulating his sister and taking advantage of you until every last ounce of your good will has been spent. He will not be reformed; he will not be grateful. To the single users of this form: Take this as yet another reason not to get married. No spouse; no mooching inlaws.

@Bubble_Man: So you hear drugs and jail and that's enough for you to know exactly what kind of person he is? All it took you was 2 words...an enviable trait.

No, I read the entire post and combined the provided details with real world observations. I also know how to read in between the lines. If you disagree with my conclusion, so be it. I gain nothing from arguing about it.

@Bubble_Man: In my opinion the "list" says more about the TC than it does about his brother-in-law. =)

Some family members are d-bags, and need to be treated as such. It is obvious that he does not want this man in his home. There is absolutely no reason to try and pretend otherwise. Best if the cold shoulder is given at all times to make sure no one forgets that. Someone addicted to drugs can easily be truly nice and never bite the hand of those who help them try and get back on their feet, but at the same time they can just be nice until they can't take it anymore and kill them. That isn't even some far fetched notion, but reality time and time again.

Personally? I think the OP thinks his wife is being an.. you know.. and is going to give the brother in law his sister's share as well. Not my home or family so pff.. I say go to town!

I would not trust him, honestly once somebody goes down that path it's hard to come back.

Some people do fix themselves, but I wouldn't risk him coming back on your family's well being.

I would say no.. I helped my g/f's brother once, like he gives a shit about it, he was a drunk, drunk til 5 am, don't work, he got kicked out evywhere he goes, never helped with rents, bills, nothing.. I had to kick him out after six months of hell, he didn't wanna move out but yet he said he talking to a lawyer, wow... so, I called police, they came over removed him out right away... I was spending my six months little of sleep b/c he drinking, drunk, yelling all night til 5am. his older brother kicked him out years ago, too...

don't let him move in. or you gonna find out impossible to get your house key back. Also, your life with your wife will be ruined.. I'm not trying to be rude, but nice guys get screwed.. Seemed like he was talking really nice before he moved in, but once he moved in it's the otherway around. None of my rules work, his way or no way.. his life his problems, not yours.

Okay...the TC ain't the one asking to live in someone else's house.

Personally, if I were the TC, I would have flat out refused to let the man live there. If that makes me inhumane or a piece of shit, then so be it. It ALSO means that I don't have a junkie who's going in and out of jail living with my wife and kids.

Yeah, that shit is way over the top. That would definitely get him into trouble.

Perhaps the reason why it is hard to "come back" which I assume means change from a life of crime and substance abuse is because the current criminal justice system places an emphasis on punishment of the wretched rather than treatment of substance abusers. If society becomes more caring rather than apathetic, substance abusers might recognize the value of the support of a society that did not prevent their reasons to abuse substances from seeming worthwhile, in the first place.

This is just a thought.

#7 seems a touch extreme. The rest are reasonable.

If your opening of your home helps him get back on his feet and he becomes a functioning, contributing member of society, then I say go for it.

But you should have a clause in there that if there is any indication of illegal activity in any regard, that he will be in violation of the contract and be sent out immediately.

I wouldn't make a note. But, I will make it plainly clear I'm not going to tolerate any drug use, drug buddies, or anything that might make him regress back.

I'm willing to give the guy a home with plenty of amenities. I'll even give him some pocket money and try to find him work. But, I will not take chances with him disrupting the family life in my home. I don't give a shit if he's my brother in law or not. The first sign he's regressing back, he's out.

That's potentially ONE reason, but if that were all there was to it then we wouldn't also see cases where the junkie steals the family's shit and/or starts buying/selling drugs out of the home. Some people find it hard to "come back" because they actually LIKE a life of crime and substance abuse, or because they've grown so accustomed to such a life that all the kindness in the world won't change them.

Actually I would make a note. Hopefully the guy won't go back to drugs and crime. But if he does and you're forced to kick him out, then it should be 100% clear exactly how he's violated the terms of his residence.

Best thing for both parties is to give him an honest chance. Give him some standard common sense rules, quiet hours, and let him know you have 0 tolerance for any bullshit that is illegal. No need to create such a ridiculous list.

Also, people generally operate best under timelines. Dude could lounge around for months if you let him or you could give him a 6 month deadline to find a job or move out. Hold him accountable for stuff, do not just let him lay about or the weeks will pass you by.

I wouldn't even bother. List is good though, if you go through with it.

I tried the notes (aka checklist) thing with my kids. It doesn't work on them. I doubt it'll work for the ex-con. The direct (and honest) approach is the best approach. It worked with my wife's relatives whenever they visited. I think my tone of voice does a better job.

I'd kick his ass

The difference is that you're not gonna kick your kids out onto the street. Whereas when you let a junkie ex-convict into your home, you very well MAY have to kick his ass out. You hope it doesn't come to that, but you know that that's a very real possibility. So IF it comes to that, you get the terms and conditions in writing so that there is absolutely no question about why he's getting kicked out.

Dude, I've seen this shit before. I've known people, and actually lived with people, who "helped out" their friends and family by letting them stay at the home. And yes, sometimes it goes just fine, no need for a written contract. But that's the best case scenario. You don't plan for the best case scenario, you plan for the worst case scenario. And that potentially involves the junkie criminal feeling like he's being wronged for getting kicked out. If this shit ever reaches critical mass, you do NOT want there to be any dispute about whether or not the terms of the residence were violated. You do not want to EVER have a situation where the dude gets kicked out and he gets to say, "but you never said I couldn't do that." Nope, you DID say he couldn't do that, and he signed the contract before you let him stay there. It's in writing, you have a contract which he signed. That's that.

Now, I'm not saying to use the exact contract which was posted. By all means, some of the shit on there should probably be modified. But by all means...put SOMETHING in writing and then make him agree to the terms (as in, actually sign off on it) before living there. No need to make this personal. I've gotten jobs for personal reasons (like, I know someone who the boss knows), but I still have to sign a contract before working there. If I rent an apartment, I have to sign off on the terms, and this dude apparently isn't even paying. he just gets to live there for free, even though he's a junkie and an ex-convict. The way I see it, that isn't treating the guy as subhuman. That's giving the guy preferential treatment by allowing him to live there AT ALL (and ESPECIALLY without having to pay for rent and utilities). Yes, get that shit in writing, and don't let him stay there until he signs it. Anywhere he lives or works, he's gonna have to sign wome kind of written contract. If he has a problem with that, that's a big red flag.

Again, it's not an insult that you're writing out the conditions for him. The only reason he gets to live there in the first place is BECAUSE he is "family". No one else gets to live there under those terms, but those are the terms. If violating these terms is justification for kicking the guy out, then ABSOLUTELY write it out and then don't let him stay there until he agrees to those terms by signing the contract.

when u meet him, kick his ass to show him who's the dominant one. then piss all around the house to mark your territory.