Stories by starduke

Shyl:

Um, awesome? :roll: Really, really creative stuff you got there, with the techno-elves and the magi-elves. I enjoyed hearing about Shyl and her father, and I liked the ending a lot.

...Wow, what a boring critique. :P But what more is there to say?

Actually, I have a reservation about the writing. It's good, but like waZelda's stories, your sentences are a bit too broken up and repetitive; many of them could be combined into one. There is a good flow to them, however, so if repetitiveness is the cost to maintain that, then stick to your styIe.

I haven't read the other story yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

Read Shyl and here are my thoughts:

Pros: The setting is working well, and the techo-elves against magi-elves conflict is intriguing. I like the ending where the leaders work together to try prevent disaster.

Cons: You don't really serve the conflict justice since you don't explain the magi-elves' point of view. You say they don't understand why magi-elves won't embrace technology, but it should be easy to understand. Elves are all about tradition, and living as one with nature, and magic is pretty much equal to technology, so I understand the magi-elves.

I don't like your styIe. Sorry to be so harsh, but it is far too much telling over showing for me. It's like you are explaining the plot and you refer to the what is happening as though you were a history teacher. It gets rather boring. With dialogue, for instance, you should consider writing them in qoutation. Such as "I love you," her father said, with sadness in his voice. Try to make the language come alive, that is what separates the bad from the good and the good from the great. I don't see much character development either, at least not yet.

Also, why would they bring a nuclear reactor to the battlefield? They basically ask for disaster by doing so.

That's all for now. Last verdict: It is good, but there is plenty of room for improvement.

@waZelda

Shyl is just a rough draft, really. I wrote it for a project at my college, and the deadline slapped me in the face, before I could really finish. I'm still working on it. Also, since Shyl is a female character, I had a hard time "getting into her head".

The reason I didn't go more into the magi-elves side of the storyis becasue Shyl is a techno-elf, and the main focus of the story. The main charater of my larger story, the man who will eventually become her husband, is a magi-elf. I go into the magi-elves side of it in his story.

The reactor was new technology and supposedly indestructible. Nosrue, the leader of the elves, didn't want to bring it into the battle, but was pressured into doing it because the other techno-elven leaders thought that the powerful energy source would give them a tactical advantage. It's in the new draft that I'm woking on.

@iloveflash

I was more conerned with the flow then anything else. Also, I try to avoid run on sentances, maybe to an extreme. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the "creative stuff".

Please read the other story. It might be a little better, since I had a little more time to write it.

These stories are something I wrote for my creative writing class in college, and I haven't had a chance to work on them since then, since I'm so busy.

About you taking the techno-elves side for now and explaining the magi-elves perspective later, I understand your point of view. yet, I do not quite agree with you. I think the techno-elves should still be able to see the matter from the others' point of view. Instead of basically saying "I don't understand why they don't embrace technology", she could be saying "I think it is foolish of them to be so stuck up in tradition that they say no to improvement." See the differnce?

About the nuclear reactor: I see your point that it was supposed to be indestructable. Still, I don't see the reason to bring it to the battlefield. How could they have used it without whiping out their own army as well?

Chernallan:

"It streets were filled with the sounds of its citizens bustling about and the sounds of the great machinery that kept the city alight."

Its

"However, every city has its dark underbelly, and Druneb was no exception. In Druneb's case, it was almost literally."

I love it when you write like this.

Anyways, the piece has some good description of the setting, it is a little better styIishly, and it has epic awesomeness.

Half of Xade 1:

First of all, I don't think you should start the story exactly the way you start off in chernallan. I almost closed the window, thinking you'd accidently posted the same chapter twice.

"His right ear was missing it's point, an old wound from a battle long ago"

Its

"He would have to have a few more drinks if he was going to think about that."

I don't see the logic here. Is it easier to think about difficult topics when you are drunk? Shouldn't it be that he had to drink more in order to avoid thinking about it?

When you describe the conflict, you use a lot of the same sentences as in charnellan, though you expand it, which is good. However, I still don't like that you write that way. Actually, I don't see the need to explain the historic event again at all. Sure, you can bring in some more detail, but repeating what you have already said is unnecessary. If the stories are supposed to be readable individually, sure, but it seems they are so connected that noone would read one and not the rest of them. It seems more to me like chapters in a story than a collection of short stories.

"He had run for long time, trying to block out the screams coming from the battle field"

battlefield

Shyl:

"She used it to pester him into letting her be involved in the war. Eventually she succeeded."

The first sentence implies that she has already succeeded in doign so!

"It looked like a giant flying phonograph record."

This description doesn't quite seem to fit given that presumably they didn't have phonograph records!

Anyway that read a lot like an introduciton than a story, but as an introduction it was definitely successful. It set the scene pretty well without going into too much detail, and definitely got me intererested in reaidng more.

This is going to be my last post for a while.

"Why?"you may ask. Well, the answer is because I'm working on editing all the stories I've posted together so I don't end up repeating the into and the scene with the great big battle too much. The stories about Shyl and Chernallan will be intergreted into Xade's as they are introduced in his story, since he is the main character. I read other books that did that and it worked most of the time, so I decided to try it.

starduke

Good desicion! I'm looking forwards to reading it.

[QUOTE="starduke"]

This is going to be my last post for a while.

"Why?"you may ask. Well, the answer is because I'm working on editing all the stories I've posted together so I don't end up repeating the into and the scene with the great big battle too much. The stories about Shyl and Chernallan will be intergreted into Xade's as they are introduced in his story, since he is the main character. I read other books that did that and it worked most of the time, so I decided to try it.

waZelda

Good desicion! I'm looking forwards to reading it.

I actually ended up maiking Shyl's story happen entirly in conversation between her and Xade when they are going thru the tunnel that leads out of Drenell. It's a LONG tunnel. Chernellan's story is pretty much the same, I put it in when he was introduced. However, I couldn't do the same with Shyl without messing up the pacing of the scene where she first appears. So, she ends up telling her story to Xade.

Points for creativity! It takes a good amount of time to brainstorm a fantasy or sci-fi and it isn't always easy.

Now about the writing. The backstory is interesting but I warm you, do not write the story itself like the backstory. I am not sure if it is entirely intentional but what you have sounds like a grandfather might be reading it to his children in a monotone voice; however, i am not saying this is a bad thing; perhaps you wanted it presented like an old epic tale. But the story - the meat one might say - has to be more spiced up; not just "he did this, she did that". I am sure you will understand.

All talk aside, great job and I look foward to more.

Comments on Jacque Martez:

Pretty good!  I enjoyed it, overall.  I have my own thoughts regarding something considered a poem when it doesn't rhyme, but that's practically a religious war, so I'll not venture into that territory. :P

I do have some suggestions for improvement, though, which are as follows:

First, the name "Jacque Martez" struck me as kind of an odd name.  "Jacque" without an S is almost never seen; "Jacques" is the much more commonly seen first name.  Second, "Jacques" is almost exclusively French in nature, but the surname "Martez" seems more Hispanic in nature.  I suppose names are inherently subjective, so this obviously should not be taken as a "must do"... but it's just a thought I had that I figured I'd express and leave you to do with it what you will, if anything.

Second, I noticed that the poem seems kind of unsure precisely how it wants to view fear.  First, we are told that  "Fear is fuel for bravery/Bravery seeks valor/Valor is triumph/Triumph is death of evil."  But, then we are told that "I charge my foes/The stench of their fear fills the air," and that Jacque will only accept Catryna's offer "if (she is) willing/To face evil without fear."  So it seems to me it would be good for consistency to either address this inconsistency by qualifying what makes fear fuel for bravery, or by removing one of these two apparently contradictory statements.

Third, and this is a really minor nitpick, but in reality the "guns akimbo" trick with a gun in each hand doesn't really work as well as in the movies, especially with a weapon with as much kick as a .44 magnum.  That style of shooting is very unlikely to produce very accurate shots at all, and when used is used almost exclusively only to lay down suppression fire, not to actually hit a target.  Feel free to leave that in, though - I just figured I'd note this in case you were unaware.

I think that's about all that I saw.  Great stuff!

It is funny, while it struck me that your short stories would be better as chapters of a longer story, it strikes me that your poem would work better in short story form. A heroic poem is all about the fancy adjectives and showing off a large and poetic vocabulary. Except from when you said his heart was set ablaze, I didn't see much of that in this story/poem. Your tone is very much like narration, and since there is no rhyme, no flow and no rhythm, it is just strange to have it on poem form. It is not natural to read the lines one by one, it is more natural to read them as sentences, and a sentence might be two or three lines, making the poem form kind of a distraction. Also, the four-lines-per-stanza system doesn't quite work. If you had a rhyme system it would make sense, but since you haven't, it just feels odd that lines which would be in the same paragraph if it was a short story end up in different stanzas.

In all fairness, I did enjoy the poem, but I would have enjoyed it much more if you had written it in a different way.

Didn't read the last one.

Space was very well done, but there were several typos which were really jarring. Considering this is a poem (and a relatively short one at that), I am surprised you did not catch them.

Darkness has a terrible and almost completely unrelated title, but it's also pretty darn good. I'd probably say I like it the best of the two. Also, I had a feeling it was an autobiography, which made the read that much more engaging!

If he is immune to anything, why would he even need to heal?

Um, that is about all for complaints here really, though in the last piece I wasn't sure if you were trying to be funny or not. The first poem is very nice and the kind of poem you could try to impress a girl with, the second one I found funny, while the third one was ok, though I weren't quite sure if I got the point.

He's only immune after he gets hit by it. After that you could shoot him all day long and it wouldn't hut him. He has to be able to heal so he can take the first hit.

This is only one version of my Immortal Slayer character. The poem version in half-crazy. I'm writing another version that's got almost the same background story, but he's different enough to make him interesting. It's also not a poem. I'll post it when I'm done.

It a parallel universe thing. I eventually want to have a team of immortals from different dimensions,

Didn't read the last one.

Space was very well done, but there were several typos which were really jarring. Considering this is a poem (and a relatively short one at that), I am surprised you did not catch them.

Darkness has a terrible and almost completely unrelated title, but it's also pretty darn good. I'd probably say I like it the best of the two. Also, I had a feeling it was an autobiography, which made the read that much more engaging!

iloveflash

Two things to you, I have to say:

The typos in "Space" are now out, and if there are any left, they are supposed to be there.

Dagit, when I copied and pasted darkness it didn't get the last two lines. Now I'll have to put them in.

"Space if full of wondrous things"

Typo or deliberate? ;)

On Shyl:

 I have to agree with Foolz on this one that it read a lot like an introduction. I felt after reading it that I was now ready to read the full story -- and considering that you said it is a part of your larger story, thats' a good thing. To me it is a character portrait of how Shyl came to be, and although the writing is not magnificent, it is good for bringing the reader into the context of your world. I enjoyed the read :)

The Dive:

Interesting premsise for the piece, and well you do a good job at telling the story. Beyond anything, I feel that I must point out that the line

The dolphins, blissfully swimming, playing, and just enjoying life.starduke

flows really nicely, and hit me as one of the strongest aspects of your piece. Keep writing :)

What he said, basically. Nice flow in your writing and you establish a good setting.

By the way, can you give us some context as you usually do?

What he said, basically. Nice flow in your writing and you establish a good setting.

By the way, can you give us some context as you usually do?

waZelda

Well, waZelda, "The Dive" is in tribute to one of my favorite artists. I even met the dude, and shook his hand. The man and his art left an impression me, and inspired "The Dive". I met him at a art gallery that was showcasing his sculptures. He makes sculptures by carving into the bottom of plastic with dental tools. When it's turned over there's tiny underwater cities and farms. I tried to imagine what it would be like to actually go to the cities he sculpted, and then I wrote "The Dive". However, for the life of me I can't remember his name. I do remember that I named the hotel after him, and his last name was "Moray". I can't find him or his art on the net, and it's very frustrating.

"Then I dive under the water,

Ignoring the sound of the splash that echoes around me,"

This and the last two lines really work for me. I couldn't tell you why, so that probably isn't much help, but great job. :)

Lol, the funniest poem I've ever read. Strange and absurd without overdoing it.waZelda

Hands freaking down!

Wow, that's sad man.

Does it really happen to you a lot like you suggested in the end?

EDIT: There is one typo by the way: He hair.

Brain:

Wity, but not much more to say. Enjoyed it! :)

Unlucky/lucky:

I thought this was very good, and reading through, I noticed just how damn good your rhymes are. While you're not finding a rhyme structure when the words do rhyme, they rhyme absolutely perfectly together and don't upset the flow at all despite it not being first and foremost a rhyming poem. Epic! 8)

The events depicted in "Lucky in video games, unlucky in love" are true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

starduke

That's kinda sad. It's a good poem -- I mean you setup the situation, build the reader to a climax, and rip the foundation from out underneath them. Good writing.

Insane:

It's a bit inconsistent but overall I thought it was good.

"People treat dogs better n' people.

While others treat people no better n' dogs.

Some people treat dogs worse n' garbage.

Some dogs treat people better n' they deserve."

I especially liked that part. Great wordplay.

Dragons fire:

The dragon should just be glad his family isn't really Dragonforce. :P

I really enjoyed it! :D Really great and free styIe, and a very interesting story. You also managed to pull of most of it so far being told in conversation exceptionally well. Can't wait for more. :)

I have some aestetic complains about the dragon piece. First of all, you should use tab at the start of each paragraph to lower the eye cancer rate of the piece. Secondly:

"The dragon continued to laugh, and then said "Please get up, my friends. Really, like I would let some corrupted sword tell me what to do. I am a dragon, and we dragons are immune to that kind of corruption. Actually, we dragons are immune to most kinds of corruption, although the younger generation seems to like rock music a bit too much. Never mind what rock music is, it's a bit ahead of your time.""

The end here should be "." because the first quotation marks the end of the speech of one that the sensei is refering to (thus should come before the quotation) while the second one marks the end of the sensei's speech and should be after the quotation.

All in all, there is a lot of double quotation, which isn't always necessary. It seems the sensei is talking for a long while, and when he talks for so long, there are two ways to do it.

A) Only have one quotation at the very start and one at the very end of the dialogue.

B) Start every new para with a quotation, but only have one ending paragraph at the very end.

It is unnecessary to have opening and ending quotations on every paragraph.

Also, some times you have a blank line between two paragraphs, which isn't wrong, but it doesn't make sense to do it at that point. One of those was actually in the middle of a dialogue, which is awefully wierd.

One issue related to content: The whole telling-on-your-death-bed tradition seems somewhat risky. What if he died in an accident? Then the knowledge would die with him. I would think they'd be smart enough to put it in a letter and mention this letter in their testament - just in case.

"old man's fairy tale's"

This is gramatically wrong, since the ' refers to ownership, and the sentence doesn't suggest that the fairy tale owned something. I think you mean old man's fairy tales (by the way, is fairy tales in one word or two, I'm not quite sure).

Anyways, I really like it, and I think the concept of modern day ninjas and the plot of an evil sword. One thing I dislike, is the whole "she'd think I'm crazy" part. It is rather cliché, and I don't even know if it is realistic. As well as they know each other, she would know he wouldn't joke with anything like that, and if he tells the story in full detail, I'd say she would have believed him - at least if they know and love each other as much as I think they do.

Oh, one more thing: What is a throwing star? Is that another word for Shuriken?

Throwing star is Shuriken for the uninitiated. Some people don't know what a Shuriken is, but at least throwing star can create a mental picture, hopefully.

One question. If someone started off about how their just murdered Sensai and a dragon had just spoken to them while they were in a coma, wouldn't you think they were crazy? Or maybe they were hallucinating...

I will take your suggestions under consideration.