Stories by starduke

Aliens are such douchbags:evil:

Anyways, I like it - though not as much as the first chapters of Hichhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, that stuff is hilarious.

"They were just the closest planet to test it on"

Earth is multiple planets?! :D

But Earth was might work better.

Interesting piece. You can't go wrong with Mars Attacks!

Well, the poem didn't really encourage me to read it as a poem, so I read it more like an essay. I must say I agree with you on everything except that she needs to be a Christian. I mean, I could settle for an agnostic, or possible even someone from a different religion if she is amazing enough and her family doesn't want to light me on fire.

Yeah, a girl like that seems hard to find. The worst part is that there was this one girl who was nearly perfect. She was beautiful, Christian, smart, healthy (she was training to be a pro speed skater) and all in all the kind of girl I was looking for. The only flaw was that she was kind of racist and elitist. I still liked her very much, so it was damn hard to give her up, but I just couldn't be with someone who was so messed up politically.

I was half-way through I be a Pirate when I realised I'd read that piece before - like an age and a half ago. Decent drawing though. I don't think I'd have the skill or patience to make something like that in paint. Did it take a long time.

On your name: Have you ever considered changing it? I don't really know how it works, but I'm sure you could change it so your name would actually be Jake Mertz.

I think the boudless sea was really good. I think you're good at those "I'm marching/sailing of to war/slaying beasts" kind of songs/poems. It is very grandious and romantic, giving some character development in case you'll post the story someday. Good job.

^

Yikes! 

Err, I enjoyed the poem! :P

So now it is nine pieces. Well, time to get started I guess.

The Boundless Sea:

Well, first of all, some aestetics: Please use paragraphs more. It looks like you used double tab on some occasions in the middle of the piece, but you really should use it throughout the whole piece. It is a lot more easy on the eyes that way.

I did enjoy the piece, but then I enjoy most first chapters I read (and buggingly enough I remember having read a lot of first chapters on this board that was never followed up by a chapter two.

Bloodlust Gloved:

First of all, I love how you break down stereotypes by letting the wife like the blood-heavy events and the man enjoy the opera.

"Alt'll use his fists to crush you"

I would cut the 'll since grammatical errors like that is an important part of Art's character.

Hm, my impressions on the piece will depend a lot on whether or not it is finished. If it is finished, then it seems really weird that you attempt to make us care about one of the gladiators after the battle is over. The battle would have been more enjoyable if we knew more about the Gladiators - and if it wasn't obvious who would win from the moment they entered the arena. If it isn't finished, then I guess it makes more sense to start in medias res then start explaining the assassin once the battle is over.

Yeah, I see what you mean by changing the focus. I only know the Norwegian terms for the two different focuses, but one is very neutral in terms of who it is following, while the other follows one specific character. Switching from one to the other is not a problem if you ask me.

----

I'll read more of them later.

The legend of the Gloves:

Well, it is very interesting. The piece itself is full on repetition, and I guess it is either love it or hate it. Personally I hate it.

It's the end of the word:

Repetition... Well, in this case I'd say it work, except when at one point the repeating lines became too long. it still might have worked well rhyth-wise if only there was a melody to it.

Chaos Inside:

Well, this time the repetition definitely worked for me. Really good poem. I hope and think that times are changing in terms of monstor-based stories. Take the werewolf story-arc in Dragon Age for instance. I think nuanced stories will become popular in the times to come.

Stainless Steel Heart:

Probably my favorite of your poems. The line "my heart is made of stainless steel" is simply brilliant. The way it works both literally and metaphorically doubles the effect.

 It was originally steel heart. but I found a book about a robot called that after I came up with it, so I changed it to stainless steel. I think it works better as stainless steel, actually.

starduke

It definitely does. Anyways, as for the last three:

Just shut up:

Up to the point where her boyfriend was mentioned I could relate. Yeah, girls really tend to give you that you're really nice as a friend speech. I have no idea why, I mean it still hurts as much as a "sorry, but it's over." No, it hurts more because it takes longer to get it over with. I mean, is there any guy that actually wants to hear that? I wonder if that might be what a girl would like to hear if someone broke up with her, and therefore she assumes you want to hear it. Or maybe it is eaier for her to do it that way. I don't know. When it happened to me some months ago (well, actually it wasn't breaking up, just saying no to a date, but whatever) I really wished I had an mp3 player with the "don't speak" song, because I would have turned it on full volume. Anyways, good poem filled with emotion and repetition.

I feel pain:

That one brings back memories as well. The girl I mentioned earlier, I can't quite get over her and the way I feel I can't understand how I'll ever love anyone like I love her. And I can relate with that deep longing as well. The worst part is that in the musical at school she sings a love song all by herself and it just makes all those never-to-be-satisfied feelings come bubbling up again. Um, enough about that. Anyways, the point is that I relate to the poem and I really, really like it.

I'm clapping with one hand:

I love it when the start of a poem either breaks the rhythm or creates one in an otherwise rhythm-less poem. Having the only rhyme in the poem at the end works well. Alright, there were rhymes at the start as well, but whatever. Not quite as easy for me to relate to this one. Some noisy places I really enjoy. Not a mall perhaps, but a cafeteria is pretty neat. Still it is a very good poem, and the part about the the dude in the box made me laugh.

Chaos Inside:

Enjoyed this a lot! Nicely flowing and succinct.

Stainless Steel Heart:

Ditto. :p

Sorry about the brief comments, but looks like I've got a lot to catch up on! :shock:

The latest 3:

I especially enjoyed the latter too. The first seemed maybe just a tad long for me, but the latter two flowed perfectly from beginning to end. Great rhythm throughout, and special mention to the second half of I'm clapping with one hand. Is nice!

7,000 word poem in one? Aweosme work man! 8)

The Legend of Gloves:

Nice little backstory indeed! Wonderful flow and all that jazz. :D

It's the end of your world:

Damn them! :x

This poem seems familiar for some reason. Is it related to any previous stories/poems?

@Foolz3h It's the end of your world is the sequel to Earths last moments.

Read the notes people, read the notes!

Sorry, couldn't resist. :P

starduke

But then I wouldn't have time to read the poems! :P :D

Piratical story:

ya'll better be back here on Monday sober, or I'll keel haul ya!"  

Any pirate captain who would keelhaul their crew does not deserve to call themselves such!

Back to the navy with ya, cowards! :P

" after he and her older brother were both hung for being pirates."

Hanged. 

Anyway disappointed that you didn't write more and don't remember wher eit was going as I was really enjoyed it! :(

God of Gore:

" He would have much rather gone to the opera."

Good man! Unless that opera was Amicci Forever or something else as hideous!

" He unfastened the straps on his boots and pulled them off, then flexed his toes and tried to figure out which ones his actual natural toes were"

Actual, natural might read a bit better.

Anyway another good read! It ends a tad abrubtly, though.

Oh, and the perspective change seemed fine to me. :)

"Hunter: My name is Jaeger"

Interesting. That's very similar to the Norwegian word Jeger (meaning hunter). What language is it from? And is Dran a word for something in the same language. I mean, I know his name is war-dran-ir, but since it is not a coincidence that war is in his name, then dran might also mean something?

"Yes, two rums, on for me and one for my table comrade"

One

"Here is your rum, do want anything else?"

Shouldn't there be a you in this sentence.

About the scene where he sings and jokes: The songs and the joke are themselves good, but in a story like this, you shouldn't have too many of them in a row. The reader will think that you're getting off message and might even skip a couple of songs. If it was written by anyone else, I believe they'd cut away the joke and the first two songs and only have the last one in there. It is the only one that really seems important.

"No wolf or cannibal has jaws that side"

Don't you mean size?

"Learning the bestiary was so boring."

I would never picture a beast hunter say that.

"Circomstanchable"

Was he starting to get drunk when he said that?

"By an hideous beast"

Since the h isn't silent, it should be a.

"Wardranir: Now you will apologize for slandering me!

Hunter: *gurgle*

Wardranir (releases grip slightly): Okay, now you will apologize for slandering me!"

I love this part :P

"It's had free reign to long"

Too long

"And fly thru the gap in the ceiling of the barn"

Through?

"Right into the middle of a very one sided battle"

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it one-sided. I thought a noun could span over two words, but not an adjevtive.

"As it swoops down and trys to take a chunk out of him"

Tries

"Like you said, its coincidental similarities"

It's

"Wyvern: I can't be held responsible to a pact my ancestors made!

Wardranir: Yes you can, the pact was for all generations and all times!"

I kinda agree with the Wyvern here - though not in this particular case of course. I mean, one thing is a law that a majority has agreed upon, another is a pact that you didn't sign yourself. If the majority of the Wyvern people don't want to follow the rules that their ancestors gave them, they should be free to break them.

"That's good deed number 532

I just saved your life you young whippersnapper

You should really watch your back

I won't always be cursed, you know

I just have 5957 good deeds to go"

So he has to do 6489 good deeds to free himself from the curse? Why that exact number?

"Hear take it"

Here

"At this rate I'd be free of this curst curse by the next millennium!"

They must be in the 999th year of a millenium, if not then that is quite an understatement seeing as how he did sevaral good deeds in few minutes.

"I guess I own him another one"

Owe

Moving on to my over-all opponion

First of all, on the form of the piece:

I find it a bit strange to be honest. I mean it first looks like its on verse, but it reads normally, so it is basically like a normal text except the period are gone and new sentence means new line. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with experimenting with form, but it didn't quite work for me. I didn't like how you used theater script styIe on the dialogue wither. To me, the form of the piece was kinda like going from Windows XP to Windows Vista. Also, I don't really understand why you have the three spaces out at times. Are those supposed to be pargraphs? I don't think that's even necessary when you write on that form.

Also, the change in perspective when Wardranir was narrating came out of nowhere, since you couldn't tell in advance that it wasn't just normal dialogue.

Anyways, a very entertaining read. The construction was rather odd since well over half the story was set in the tavern. The whole plot with the Wyvern was not very interesting, but I loved the characters and the dialogue (so good thing ninety percent of the text was dialogue, I guess). Well written and quite funny.

EDIT: Oh, right, there was a not previously posted song in there. Well, it was a little disappointing to me how the rhymes suddenly disappeared aftera greatchorus and a good first verse, but over'all I liked it.

Perhaps I'll get to read some of the last five pieces tomorrow.

I think Norwegian is a branch on the Germanic language tree or something. I don't know, perhaps it was Germans that moved to Norway when it appeared after the last ice age. I remember a war-witness who was at our school told us that the Nazi guards respected the Norwegian women and considered them Aryan.

Anyways, I read your blog and left a message. On to some of the latest pieces in this thread.

Searching for Love:

The use of "you" in the end kinda freaked me out, but I can see the purpose behind it. Well-flowing poem, and as far as content go I think we've discussed it already :P

Every Time I See You:

Kind of abrupt ending to me, but otherwise solid stuff.

In the Realm of Dead:

Very interesting. I like mythology as well. One of my favorite book series is Everworld by K.A. Applegate, where four teenagers are brought into a parallell universe created a thousand years ago by the ancient Gods of mythologies. There all kinds of mythological creatures lived just a couple of days' travel from each other. Pretty interesting to have such personalities interact with each other. At one point there is a banquette where both Merlin and Loki are invited.

Coninuing on the mythology train:

Thunder:

Again, I like it. Thor must truly be the definishion of badass - though Marvel's version of him isn't all that awesome.

A Man's Creed:

I have one issue with this. The tone seems very much like that of old, heroic tales, but then there are the occasional lines that doesn't fit the tone.

"A man who treats women like excrement"

I would find it better if it was "A man who (some fitting word, not sure which) women". Or at least compare their treatment to something else than shi... Um, excrement. Like "a man who treats women like cattle" or something. Otherwise the phrasing just seem to moddern, except that the word excrement is used.

KA Applegate was one of my fav authors at one time, until she ended the Animorph books like she did. Everworld is nice, I guess, but I stopped reading that because I thought she would pull another Animorph style ending.

starduke

Good choice, EverWorld actually had a less satisfying ending than Animorphs. I'm going to finish the Remnants series soon, and I'm preparing for the possibility of an even worse ending.

Searching for love:

"I hope that one day

I'll be on one knee

And hear a sweet voice

Say yes to me"

Best part IMO. The rest wasn't bad either!

Everytime I see you

Ditto! Good read.

In the realm of Death

This I enjoyed quite a bit. Some great monologuing, well duologing I suppose! Flowed really nicely, and was entertaining with a anice bit of wit!

Thunder

My favourite from the bunch! Great storm atmosphere, excellent work.

A Man's Creed

This sort of thing ain't really for me, so all I'll say is that it flowed nicely! :)

You know, I think repetition works perfectly in a poem about boredom. It kind of illustrates its point.

I'm actually not often bored. I always have something I will retreat to if I have nothing better to do.