Sorry, it was just over 20000 characters ---------------- "B'Elanna, report!" Janeway ordered. "Why, the weapon didn't hit us," noted Chakotay. "I know, but it sounds more dramatic when I do that. Give us warp factor 86." "But captain, I can't defy the laws of physics!" Janeway shook her head. "Come on, this is Star Trek, we do it all the time." She turned to Tuvok. "Mr. Tuvok, your analysis." The Vulcan raised his eyebrows, looking puzzled. "Why do you wish me to make a chemical evaluation of your urine. If you feel sick, you should see the Doctor." "Not urinalysis, I meant I want YOUR analysis." "I see." He scanned the balls, which kept being fired. "Their weapons appear to be made of a soft, sponge-like substance." "Then we won't have any problems. Keep shields raised, just in case, we don't want any surprises." The ship was rocked. "What's that?" Tuvok explained. " That' is a word used to refer to an object to which one is referring." He scratched his head. "I fail to see why you wished me to define that term at this time." Another Nerf torpedo rocked Voyager. "Never mind, just get us out of here, until we can talk to those creatures." Meanwhile, on board the Jupiter II, the group was still trying to figure out how to communicate with the beings. Will and the girls were starting to understand a few things. "Okay," said Penny, "we know e'o' means hello,' let's see, ooo...'who are you?' Dad, tell them who we are!" Mr. Robinson spoke. "This is the Jupiter II, we're a ship looking for Earth, we need to go through your space to get there." The creatures sound very perplexed. "It's no use, they can't understand what we're saying." Will had a thought. "If one of us spacewalks, we could go over and maybe talk to them, maybe seeing each other will help." "Good idea," spoke the major, "I'll go." He looked out the window. "We better be careful, Voyager is getting hit pretty hard." "Federation shields should be better than that, if they're over 3 centuries ahead like they say," noted Judy Robinson. "Is Voyager canon, though," inquired the major. "Yes," spoke John, "but not to itself." Meanwhile, as the Jupiter II and Voyager were stalled in space, Gilligan's Ship was sputtering toward the wormhole entrace. "5...4...3...2...1, contact. We're in," shouted the Skipper, "we figured it out!" He leaped up from his captain/pilot's seat, which looked like a beach chair - because it was a beach chair, and hugged Gilligan." "We're not out of the woods yet," spoke the Profesor from his engineering position. "There's trees in space," remarked a shocked Gilligan, "the science really *is* weird here." Skipper shook his head. "Oh, Gilligan, that's just a saying. Ginger, how does communication look." "Well, it looks like a big, big box with a bunch of dials and buttons, and there are lots of fancy colors, with things whirring and buzzing and beeping and flashing...huh, that's funny, that wasn't flashing before." Mrs. Howell walked over to her. "That's because there's an incoming call," she explained, pressing the flashing button. "E'o," came the voice over the intercom. "It's talking a foreign language," whispered the Skipper, "what do I say?" Gilligan hummed. "Maybe you could offer it some of Maryann's coconut cream pie. And we'd better get a thousand or so, because I bet there's a lot of them." "Good idea. Maryann," Skipper ordered, "use that processor thingy we discovered, and send them out a thousand coconut cream pies." He smiled. "The way to an alien's heart is through his stomach. At least I hope." Back on Voyager, the crew is in a strategy session during a lull in the attack. Seven has an idea. "Captain, if their talk truly is baby talk, perhaps we could get an interpreter." "Who would be able to..." The Captain stopped so suddenly, one would have thought she'd turned to stone. She held a hand to her head. "Oh, no, you're not thinking what I think you're thinking, are you?" "If what I think you think I'm thinking is what you think I'm thinking, then yes, I'm thinking what you think I'm thinking," 7 agreed. Tuvok held up a hand. "We must assess the possibiltiy, Captain, that she may not be thinking the same thing that you're thinking she's thiking, even if she says she's thikning what you think she's thinking, because she may just think she knows what you're thinking she's thikning." "On the other hand," Chakotay reported, "she could be mistaken in thinking what you think she's thinking, and still be thinking what you think she's thinking, even if neither you nor she think she's thinking you're thinking the same thing she's thinking." Tuvok agreed that was true. "However, the probability that she's thinking what you think she's thinking, but mistaken in what you think she's thinking, is less than the probability that she thinks she knows what you're thinking, but you're thinking it differently from what she's thinking you're thinking." B'Elanna agreed. "Perhaps we should hear what she thinks you're thinking, then you tell us what you're thinking." "I would rather hear what Seven's thinking," explained Kim, "then hear what she thought you were thinking she was thinking, because if the two don't match, then it really doesn't matter what you thought she was thinking." Janeway put her hand on the table. "By golly, this is the time when we need a commander who can make command decisions, and not just thinking them, even if everyone else is thinking what she's thinking. Seven, what were you thinking?" Seven turned and inquired "are you asking what I was thinking, or what I was thinking you were thinking I was thinking." Janeway held up a finger, hesitated for a moment, then said "the first one." "I was thinking we could ask Naomi to interpret," remarked 7 of 9. Janeway put a hand to her head. "That's what I was afraid you'd be thinking. And I was thinking it, too." "If it's any consolation, Captain, I was thinking you might be thinking that I was thinking that." Janeway spoke grimly. "Thank you, Seven, that may be a comfort to me once I can understand all of what what was just spoken. Phew, after that I wish we could just go back to our normal way of spitting out all that weird science." Paris (singing, to the tune of "Give me that Old Time Religion"): "Give me that old time technobabble/Give me that old time technobabble/It was good enough for James Krik/and that's good enough for me." "Don't quit the day job, Tom," deadpanned Janeway as she solemnly ordered 7 to get Naomi and bring her to the bridge. As Janeway meandered in her ready room, Chakotay asked to enter. "You seemed a little disquieted there, Captain. Is there anything wrong?" Kathryn shook her head. "No, I just hope all those who dislike Wesley will forgive me." Chakotay sat on a couch near Janeway's seat. "I don't think it'll be that bad; we've downloaded and looked at the Jupter II's logs, and Will saved them on the Jupiter II a few times." "What was the difference? I mean, I want to make sure that little girl doesn't have people not like her. I'm concerned about every one of the crew," emphasized Janeway, "from the biggest to the littlest." Suddenly, the door chimed. "Come." It was Neelix. "What is it, Neelix?" "Oh, nothing; the writer just realized they hadn't used me, and thought they ought to. I brought the holodoc along, too, so he could have a speaking line." The holodoc waved and said "hello." "We were about to share an intimate moment," snapped the captain. "Oh, I'm sorry. Well, we got our couple of seconds in, so we'll be leaving now. Bye." The door closed, and Janeway shook her head. "Anyway, you were saying about the crew." Chakotay hummed. "Will was a couple years younger than Wesley; I think the difference was he used some ingenuity, and he was...well, he was more of an everyman,' Wesley was made to be too smart." The captain nodded. "Go on." Chakotay explained that "what you're asking Naomi to do is just helping, like Will did with the robot and other times. Will isn't a geek, just a boy with some good common sense and God-given ingenuity, he solved things thsoe couple times mostly like the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew do, if you've read their mysteries. He never rebuilt plasma nacelles or repaired warp conduits...or is that rebuilt warp nacelles and repaired plasma condiuts?" The captain shrugged it off as they drew closer. "Either way, we've probably used both." "Anyway, everyone thought Wesley might be able to, he was that smart. If Naomi were even in the captain's seat, I don't think it would hurt her too much, because she's more humble, and it'd be cute if it happened once. She wouldn't be rebuilding the ship or reprogramming the computer. Plus, Wesley caused some of their problems that he had to save them from, if you've read Picard's early logs." "That's true." The captin rose from her seat. "Thanks, Chakotay, I really appreciate the talk." "Anytime, Captain," he remarked as he remained in the room for a moment, wondered why he was there, and then left to enter the bridge. Meanwhile, five of the aliens had spacewalked back on board the Jupiter II - one yellow, one blue, one red, one orange, and one green. The group sat around observing the Teletubbies. "You know," spoke Dr. Smith, "you're right to attack Voyager - you should attack Gilligan's ship, too, they're mean." Will put his hands on his hips. "We're NOT going to translate that for them," exclaimed the boy. "They can understand us pretty well, Dear," explained the mom, "as long as we talk on a chlidish level like Dr. Smith is sometimes." "I resemble that remark," protested Smith. Suddenly, the others became transfixed on a video being shown on the rectangle of the blue Teletubby. The picture was quite fuzzy, so the yellow one gave a signal to the orange one, who reached up and adjusted the antennae of the blue one. The picture came in clearly after that. "You realize you're watching that upside-down," Penny pointed out to the blue one, who spoke some sort of jibberish. "He said he can still see it." The video showed the Teletubbies on their home world eating the coconut cream pies prepared for them by Maryann. Suddenly, all eyes - and the robots' sensors - became fixed on the turquiose one. He held his tummy and began groaning. "Uh-oh, e er'i," spoke the orange Teletubby on board the Jupiter II. The oldest girl explained. "I think he said he's allergic." Shortly before this incident, Janeway had begun chatting through their four-year-old interpreter to the Teletubbies From Space. "We had no desire to injure you, our purpose was simply to communicate." Naomi interpreted in childlike language. "Hur' e'r, li' bu' no' wor'," spoke the one seemingly in charge of the ship. Naomi explained that "he said it hurt their ears when we opened a channel, I guess; something about buttons not working, makes me think they tried to understand and couldn't." "In other words, they thought we were the ones hurting them," guessed 7. "No, I think at that level," Naomi speculated, "it was more like a tantrum. They threw a fit because they wre upset something didn't work, and it didn't matter whose fault it was." Janeway nodded. "That makes sense." Boy, she understands these characters so well because she was a toddler so recently herself, the captain considered. I wish all aliens were so easy to understand. "Tell them we're sorry, ask them what we can do to help." Naomi did, and one of the creatures pointed to Gilligan's ship, which was progressing steadily through the wormhole. The one pointing said "o'o, o'o, mmm, mmm!" while rubbing tis belly. "What's he saying," Janeway wondered as she approached the viewscreen. "My first thought is," spoke the Vulcan, "that a mistake on the part of the occupants of that vessel tasted good to them. However, that is not at all logical." Naomi shook her head. "No,o'o is a food; maybe they gve them some sort of food." "Yeees," considered the captain. "O'o, o'o, what food could that be?" "Captain, it would be logical to progress through the alphabet." He stood straight and folded his hands behind his back. "Bobo, coco, dodo..." "Coco - for coconut," shouted Chakotay. "Yes," came Janeway's excited voice, "I bet they gave them some coconut cream pie! Ask them how many, we'll match it." The alien didn't know. "Okay, let's replicate a thousand and send them over. Neelix, you hear that?" He had. "All right, we've matched your friends' offer, now let the Jupiter II go first, and then us." "Captain," inquired Tom. Sjhe explained as Naomi interpreted. "It's not sporting to go while someone else is stuck here." Naomi clapped her hands. "They said okay!'" "Great, you did marvelous work, Dear," the captain praised her as the viewscreen remained on for a moment. Suddenly, the same video of the Teletubby becoming ill from the coconut cream pie began showing as Janeway prepared to take Naomi back down to her quarters. "Uh-oh," came the lead teletubby as they watched the end of the video. Naomi stopped. "Wait, that was a different sound." Seven shook her head. "I am sure that was just their way of thanking us for the coconut cream pies." "No, he wants to say something else," insisted the girl. The entire bridge crew watched as the creature said "'E er'i." Janeway asked Naomi to get them to explain a little better. The aliens all looked sad, and the lead one remarked "tu' hur'." "Tell me what," the captain asked. "No," complained Naomi, "he's saying his tummy hurts, see the sad look?" Suddenly, all the orange, green, yellow, purple, and turquoise aliens began to be sick. "Er'i, er'i..." "Allergic," guessed Kim. Naomi nodded slowly, then stated simply "we're in trouble." Chakotay shook his head. At least Naomi isn't to blame for this, he told himself. Of course, this just means it's all the captain's fault again.

"Would you mind telling me your name," inquired Smith in the lift. "Seven," said seven. "I did not ask your age," Smith stated. "Wait a minute, you can't be seven, why you look older than Will, even; fine young man, he is." "I was rescued from a group of people called the Borg. I am too accustomed to my Borg classification to go back to using my human name. My full name was 7 of 9," she explained. Smith shuddered. "That sounds scary. Even the name - the Borg!" "They are imposing, but we have taken them down quite a few notches." Smith grinned. "Ah, no doubt thanks to your superior weapons and cunning, the great power of human ingenuity vanquished them, correct?" Seven shrugged. "No, we just rely on writers." Dr. Smith stared at her, incredulous, as he stepped out onto the bridge with 7. He gazed at the viewscreen in front of them and gasped. "Oh no, we're adrift among the stars!" "That sounds familiar," noted Kim. Tuvok stood straight so that it looked as though he'd swallowed a baton and spoke. "That line was used by Professsor Moriarty when the holodeck image was somehow brought onto the bridge of the Enterprise." Smith scowled. "Oh, be quiet, you miserable, pointy-eared alien." "Now, you sound like Dr. McCoy of the original Enterprise. Who else can you do?" Janeway got out of her chair and walked over to the doctor and 7. "Forget who he can pretend to be, let's get one thing straight first. Who are you and what are you doing aboard my ship?" Seven calmly noted "that's two things, Captain." "Im not interested in numbers, Seven." Prais turned around and said "but you just said a number, Captain." "What else am I going to call her, she's called Seven of Nine." Chakotay suggested "maybe you could call her Of'?" Seven of Nine, trying to recall a human joke to bring some levity to this tense moment, said "well, call me anything, but don't call me to the other side." Everyone on the bridge except Tom Paris looked quite bewildered. "You're confusing that with the one about the chicken, Seven. It's don't call me late for supper.'" Seven nodded toward him. "Thank you." To Janeway, she said "call me anything, but don't call Ensign Paris late for supper." Paris slapped his forehead as Chakotay laughed at him. Tuvok interrupted by reporting "another ship just took off from the planet, carrying six humans and a robot." "Let them go, if they wish to play Q's game. We've got more important things to do." "But I am supposed to be on that ship," explained Dr. Smith. The captain told 7 to "take him down to the transporter room and send him to the Jupiter II." "But if we're both in space, how can you send me there," whined the doctor. "We take your molecules and we..." Seven stopped to think a moment. She turned to the captain. "Yes, how does that work?" "Just make something up, Seven, he won't know the difference." Seven nodded and turned to him. "We bioprocess your smectic micellar membranes down to the molecular level, transpose them into a fancy little pattern, and co-ordinate the isoelectronic disintregration like a radio signal over to the other ship, converting it like a morse code signal." "Wow," exclaimed Smith, "you can do anything with that, then." Chakotay was astonished. "You understood what she said?" "Not in the least. But it's fun to pretend," noted the doctor. Janeway ordered them to maneuver within transporter range, and soon Dr. Smith was back on the Jupiter II. "Well," spoke the captain, "that little adventure is over." Kim shook his head. "I don't know, we almost never have things that easy." Sure enough, a "Mayday" call was quickly heard. "Mayday - but it's November," exclaimed Kim. "Put it on the viewscreen," Janeway ordered. "This is the USS Voyager, representing the United Federtion of Planets. What is the nature of your problem?" "Warning, warning, danger, danger!" Suddenly, they saw the Jupiter as the ship veered out of control. Janeway noticed that nobody but Smith and the robot were around, and they were tussling near the controls. "Why is the robot shouting that," wondered the captain, suddenly getting very cautious as Seven of Nine appeared back on the bridge. "Please," she requested as Smith pressed buttons at random, "state the nature of your problem." "AAAUUUUGGGHHHH," shouted Dr. Smith as he tripped while trying to push the robot asisde, jamming his hand into a lever and sending the ship off course some more. Janeway quickly said "I think the universal translator's not working. Seven," she ordered, "you're familiar with alien languages from your time with the Borg, what did he say?" "I believe he said AAAUUUUGGGHHHH,' Captain." Kim leaped out of his seat and ran to the lift doors. "That sounds like someone in trouble!" He stopped as the doors flung open, and said "Captain Proton to the rescue!" Janeway looked at him. "Good thinking, go down to the transporter room, but without your cape. B'Elanna, they need an engineer over on that ship. Seven, you join them." They left. Tuvok looked up from his science counsel. "Captin, another ship is emerging from the planet; it contains the final group of humns, and is basically an island surrounded a a titanium hull." "Is it spaceworthy," inquired Janeway. "Barely," noted Tuvok. "It is having troubles mostly because of some errors in the..." He stared at the computer. "Captain, what is this word?" Janeway walked up to the science station and read. "Asymbiomorphakalogistan." "Thank you. The asymbiomorphakalogistan thrusters are offline, due to some questionable engineering work." The captain shook her head. "I already sent my best engineering people over to that other ship, they'll have to make do." Meanwhile, on board the Jupiter II, B'Elanna, Kim, and Seven appeared. The robot quickly requested that they unfreeze the people in the tubes, which they did. "What's going on," shouted Don at Dr. Smith, "and who are these people?" "Yes," echoed the major, "what's going on, and who are these people?" Dr. Smith, now somewhat bruised from his fighting with the robot, explained. "This is a Klingon, this is a former Borg with a number for a name, and this is..." He looked at Kim. "Who are you?" "I'm just a human." Kim explained. "I'm Ensign Harry Kim of the USS Voyager, this is B'Elannam Torres and this is Seven...." Will suddenly went running to the controls and jerked a lever to the left, sending them all crashing into a far wall of the ship. "Why don't they put seatbelts in these things," complained Smith. "Trust me," noted 7, "they don't have them in the 24th Century, either." "You're from the future, then," inquired Don. "Either that," 7 remarked, "or you're from the past." "Excuse me," Will began, still manning the controls. "Well, how do we tell...wait a minute, which Earth is that creature..." "Q," interrupted Kim. Major West nodded. "Yes, which Earth is that Q sending the winner of this race?'" "Excuse me," came Will a little louder. His dad looked at him. "What is it, son?" "Don't you want to know why I jerked the controls to the left like that?" "Probably saving the ship again," noted Dr. Smith. "A fine boy you've got there, Mr. Robinson." "Yes," came the retort, "saving it from your crazy schemes. Why, it's your fault we're in this mess!" "Yeah," shouted Don, "you almost got us kiled several times, and you're always pulling these schemes..." As Major West continued to shout at Dr. Smith, 7 noted lowly "I believe the captain was mistaken in sending him back." "That's our captain," Kim said proudly, "she may not always make the right choices, but at least she's decisive - except when she isn't." "EXCUSE ME," shouted Will above the din, "don't you want want to know what we almost ran into?" Suddenly, a ship of several dozen different colored creatures, all with antenna on their heads and small rectangles in their bellies, appeared in front of them. "E'o," spoke one of them, the voice coming over their radio, "oo a oo." "What's wrong, the universal translators don't work," fretted B'Elanna. "How convenient," noted Kim, as he scanned the voice into his tricorder. Seven elaborated. "If that was their actual speech, it would have been modified by a nuocutaneous, dermal microaction in the glottal reagion of their larnyxes." "What does that mean," Will inquired. "They sound like they talk baby talk," explained Seven. Dr. Smith walked over to the radio and spoke into it. "Goo goo." "A oo al a'ou," came the voice in return. B'Elanna surmised "apparently they can't understand us, either." "Nobody can understand Dr. Smith," remarked Don. Suddenly, the Voyager people heard on their comm badges "away team, come in, what's the situation over there?" B'elanna tried to sum it up. "We've encountered a ship that we nearly ran into - the universal translators aren't functioning." "I see," spoke Janeway, "they tried to contact us, too, and ours were also ineffective. How's the ship?" B'Elanna snapped her fingers. "I knew there was something we wanted to do while we were here. Thanks, Captain." She turned to the Robinsons. "How are the engines here?" "Fine," spoke Major West. "I guess we'll all have to just stay awake and alert so Dr. Smith doesn't try anything else." "Good." B'Elanna reported this, and the three soon beamed back to Voyager. As Kim re-entered the bridge, Janeway asked "can you figure out a way to contact those aliens?" "I could try." "Good, open hailing frequencies." A large number of hailstones shot forth. "What was that?" "Those were the hailing frequences." A large ball came firing from the alien ship. "They're firing their weapons at us!" "Evasive maneuvers, Mr. Paris!" The ship luches to the right, with the weapon just missing them.

You can have a parody still with a decent plot - note all the little intricacies of Gilligan's Island (which admittedly I didn't recall much of when I wrote so didn't use as much), Lost in Space, and Star Trek Voyager that are joked about here. Also note the Teletubbies - if you work at it you can usually cross things over well, but don't try to wedge somethignw here it can't go. A No-Legged Race - A Parody Very Bad Things had once again happened to Voyager. They set down on a planet to not only recover, but also to gather some excess food and other essentials, such as Magic Reset Buttons. Captain Kathryn Janeway glanced around her as she and Lt. Tuvok scanned the surface. "It's so quiet it's almost eerie, it's like we don't have a plot device now. We usually find at least some life on these kinds of worlds, even if it's only quasi-ionized subcutaneous particulates..." Tuvok, his pointed Vulcan ears wiggling like Howdy Doody's, asked "what did you say?" "I said...Tuvok, did you just wiggle your ears?" "Yes, it is an attempt to show I thought something humorous, since having no emotion, I cannot laugh." "But what I said was scientific," noted the captain. Tuvok raised his eyebrows. "In what universe?" Janeway caught the hint, and dropped the subject. The Vulcan said "I am reading life forms over this way." They walk forward, only to see Q standing a couple feet off the ground! Sensing the frustration on Janeway's face, Tuvok muttered "I am sorry I said anything." "Q!" Janeway spoke as if to a naughty child. "What are you doing here?!" Q (how else to describe him?) Quickly lowered himself to the surface of the planet. "Why, my dear captain, so good of you to join me in my little experiment." "Whatever you're doing, you leave my ship and crew out of it, do you here me," she shouted. "Why you sound as if you're going to order me to stand in the corner next. Okay, here." A couple eight-foot tall boards appeared in front of him at a 90 degree angle. He kept speaking. "Anyway, as I was saying, there is another group as inept as you at finding your way home. I thought a little race would be fun." Suddenly, a robot motored up to him. It extended its apendanges and shouted "Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson! Very peculiar life form ahead!" "So what else is new," commented the boy, about 10 or 11. Q stepped out from behind his little corner and spoke. "My friends, you will note on your sensors I have placed a wormhole directly above this planet." The Major and Mr. Robinson appeared on the scene and agreed. "Directly above this planet? What's that?!" "A planet is a large celestial body that orbits a star. But that's not important," noted Q. "What is is that this wormhole leads directly to Earth." "Oh, boy, we get to go home," shouted Will. Don nodded. "I hadn't noticed - we were just so shocked that we finally touched down on a planet with an atmosphere; our last few didn't have one." "Are you telling us," inquired Janeway, "that you walked around on a planet with no atmosphere, without spacesuits?" They nodded. Ther Vulcan folded his hands behind his back. "Gee, I wonder what Voyager would be like if we had thatkind of science." Janeway put a hand to her head as if she had a major headache. "Warning, warning," shouted the robot as Dr. Zachary Smith entered the picture, "another group of life forms is landing on a ship." Smith glowered. "Oh, shut up, you bucket of bolts!" Fretting, he said "what can be more annoying than listening to you." The robot suddenly impersonated Counselor Deanna Troi as a large ship landed directly in front of them. "Captain...I sense...a presence." Smith clapped his hands over his ears. "Aauuggghhh! Go back to your normal voice, please!" In his normal voice, the robot replied "I thought you would say that, Dr. Smith." A man in a large hat and red shirt stumbled off of the "ship," with a rotund man with white hair and a blue shirt following. "Gilligaaaaan," the second man shouted, "get back in here, I don't have any idea what's happened, the water all just disappeared." Q walked over to the newcomers as others joined them. "I can explain; I brought you here." "Is this another of your crazy dreams, Gilligan," hollered the Skipper. "Wait, why would I be here and wide awake in it, then?" "Not that I know of," spoke the younger man. "Who are you," he asked Q. "That is such a large question to answer. I am a product of their universe" he pointed at Voyager" known as Q. I brought you here." He turned to all of them. "There is a wormhole occupied by an alien form known as the Teletubbies From Space. Once you get past them you're home free; Earth is right in front of you when you get out of it, and you'll have made it home." "We're sick of playing your games, Q," hollered the captain. Tuvok turned to her. "Captain, if I may, it might be wise to go toward the wormhole anyway, simply to learn about and analyze the new life forms which are present." Janeway nodded. "Normally I would agree, but something about Q..." She turned to him and said "what's the catch." "Well, we catch quite a few crabs," Gilligan blurted. "Sometimes the bass are good..." Skipper glared at him. "She means how is that...being trying to manipulate us." Q grinned mischievously. "Why, a little favor to my friends for letting you play through." "Play through," inquired Janeway. "I believe that is an old Earth term," spoke Tuvok, "referring to golf. When someone wished to move ahead of slower players, they were allowed to play through.'" He turned to the others. "What I cannot understand is, why has he brought you all here?" "We're Lost in Space," explained Don as the other members of the Jupiter II crew came out to see what was happening. "And we've been stranded on a desert island for years...wait a minute," hollered the skipper, "the professor was experimenting with rockets!" "Rockets?" inquired Tuvok. "Yeah, you should see what he can make with coconuts," explained the Skipper. "Anyway, you didn't by any chance veer one of his rockets off course, did you, Gilligan?" "No, Chief, I swear..." Janeway shook her head. "No you won't; or this won't be rated G' anymore." "You see, you are all the most inept people at making it through just a simple race. This should be quite fun," remarked Q as he explained. "Gilligan and company, your ship that I invented is spaceworthy, and has fuel. You must, of course, figure out how to work it. Good luck - and may the least bad team win! For the others - well, it's seven years of indentured servitude with the Teletubbies if you make them mad; they don't like slavery, and it's not PC, anyway, except when it's ignored like in the Sudan." And then, he was gone. And the Jupiter and Gilligan's island were too far away from Voyager to continue communicating with them. "What do you suppose that was all about," inquired Janeway. "I don't know, but perhaps we should see if the sensors have been repaired, just in case." Janeway and Tuvok walked back onto Voyager, where it was reported all had been fixed. "How did you do that so...wait a minute, did Q..." "Was Q out there," interrupted Chakotay. "Yes, he was," reported Janeway. "Oooooh, he makes me so mad I could scream. And there's only one thing worse than a starfleet captain screaming." "What might that be," inquired 7 of 9. "Captain Jim Kirk's singing," explained the captain. Harry Kim responded to the earlier question by pointing to a sensor array. "By filling the couplinks with quasielastic hyperkinetic NMR, we seamlessly restored it. It's as good as new." Janeway came out from her command chair and "Great, let's take off and see if there really is a wormhole." Tom Paris turned around from his navigator's chair. "Don't you want to know what he said, Captain?" "Im not interested, let's just..." The ship rocked as they lifted off and went into orbit. "What was that?" Tuvok scanned his computer console for several seconds. "I believe we have an intruder on deck 5." Proving Vulcans were calm and cool, sometimes to the point of being near death, he then inquired "shall I go after him?" "Depends, is it human or alien?" Tuvok looked again. "Definitely human." "All hands red alert," shouted Janeway, "everyone to battle stations, brace yourselves for evasive maneuvers. All hands, this is the captain; I know with aliens we let them into our ship with almost no question asked, but this is a human, and we can't take any chances! Code red, all off duty personnel report, look both ways before crossing the street! Stop, drop, and roll!" B'Elanna was working down in Engineering when she noticed a fellow carrying a load of phasers. "Halt," she hollered, "or I'll use my super-duper Klingon fighting skills to annihilate you!" Dr. Smith noted that ""if they're anything like Worf's, you'll lose handily." The half-Klingon engineer fretted for a moment, then said "all right, I'll just whip out my phaser, then!" "Very well." Dr. Smith put down the weapons and explained. "I am Dr. Zachary Smith, my ship, the Jupiter II, was near yours, and I just came to help myself to some weapons before we took off again. Our suplpy is most piti...your what fighting skills?" "Klingon!" Smith cowered. "Oh, please don't hurt me, Mister Alien." B'Elanna twisted his arm behind his back. "Ahhhh...I mean Miss Alien!" B'Elanna released him. "That's better. Now, what do you really want?" "What do you mean," asked Smith. "I just explained it to you." "No stranger comes on board this ship without ulterior motives," she explained harshly. "A good point. You see, I am deathly afraid of being enslaved - exuse me, indentured servanted, and I noticed that your ship is much better at finding Earth quickest, what with your superior speed, weapons, and the like." "Well, forget it, the captain says we're not falling for Q's little games," explained B'Elanna. Smith nodded. "I see. In that case, perhaps you could just let me have these weapons so we can be on our merry way through that wormhole." "I'm afraid that won't be possible. See these readings?" She pointed to a computer. Smith shood his head. "Of course not, this technology is centuries ahead of what I know." "What do you mean," shouted the engineer, once again getting hyper, "everyone who comes on board this ship can read any computer console, don't you know that?!" Fuming, she noticed 7 of 9 entering. "Seven take this intruder off my hands!" Noticing the cache of weapons, 7 asked "to the brig?" "Of course not, are you crazy," shouted B'Elanna, "we never take intruders to the bring! Take him where we always take people." Seven thought for a moment, then said "very well" and took Smith's arm. Leading him into the turbolift, she spoke to the computer. "Bridge, please."

Jesse and Joey had just put Michelle down for a nap. Then, they returned to what they'd been doing for quite a while; staring at Danny's will like it was a blank sheet of paper and they were struggling students with writers' block. Jesse finally looked up and spoke after several moments of silence. "If something happens now...without this...my folks get the girls, right? "Yeah." Joey felt the awkward silence, too. Jesse squirmed, putting his head on his head then removing it again. He finally rose. "Aw man, this is crazy. Every time I look at that, I think about how much I miss my big sister." He leaned against the wall by the front door. "You're feeling the same thing, aren't you? You haven't told a joke in twenty minutes." "Yeah, Jess, I am," he said lowly. Stephanie and D.J. bounced in the front door at that moment. The girls instantly noticed something was wrong. "Uncle Jesse?" D.J. said. It was very unusual to see the normally macho Jesse look teary. "He's okay. We just have to figure this paper out," Joey said absently, looking at the will. "Yeah. I'm just missing your mom big time right now," Jesse explained, fighting back a tear. "If you need a lap, D.J. has one, Uncle Jesse," Stephanie encouraged him. While her sadness was now over, she revealed that she'd really been hurting for a while. D.J., however, had helped make it better. As Jesse said "thanks," Joey revealed, "We still don't know which one of us should..." "...Well, you see, girls, you dad has to...well..." "He needs one of us..." Stephanie beamed. "He's making a will and needs one of you to be guardian." Thanks tot he talk with her dad she knew that much. After the men recovered from a moment of shock, Jesse said, "Yeah...thanks, Steph." "So, which one of you is it going to be?" D.J. asked. "You mean they don't know yet? Daddy said he'd know by this afternoon!" "Technically, Steph, we have till midnight," Joey pointed out. "Steph, this is a very difficult decision," D.J. reminded her. "I'm sure he asked Uncle Jesse and Joey and they are just struggling...because they're thinking about Mom." D.J. sniffled once, and blinked back a tear. She knew if she let herself cry, Stephanie would start agin, and pretty soon the entire living room would dissolve in tears. Jesse had tried hard to pull things together with the family after the accident. He admitted that it was hard, then said, "Look, we all need to think together on this. So, if you girls have any ideas, we'd like to hear em." "But, you two will both be here, right...Oh yeah, Daddy said you would," Stephanie suddenly realized, her worried tone disappearing. "He said one of you just had to sign papers and make decisions." "That's right, Joey can live here. I just don't want this guy to have you girls making appointments with Dr. Seuss thinking he's a pediatrician." Come on, Jess, I wouldn't do that. I know Danny reads that to Michelle all the time. D.J. and Stephanie do, too; I'm sure they'd be more than happy to help me. Wouldn't you, girls," Joey asked. As they nodded, Stephanie admitted, "Besides, you both needed lots of help when it came to changing Michelle's diaper at first." Both men had embarrassment written on their faces. "If you think diapers were bad, imagine trying to discipline her. We haven't reached that point yet, we're just now teaching her to 'freeze.' But we will someday," D.J. reminded them. Jesse and Joey became unnerved quickly. After taking a second to recover, Jesse said, "Oh, thanks for scaring us, Deej." "Yeah, I haven't been scared out of the wazoo like that in a long time," Joey declared. That was a part of their responsibility that he hadn't thought about very much. D.J. smiled the comforting smile of one making a promise not knowing how huge a promise it really was. "Well, don't worry, I had enough experience growing up with Mom, and how she handled Steph when she was little. I could handle Michelle  and Steph, in some ways  if I had to." "Well, thanks, Deej...that's good to know," Jesse said lowly and humbly. "My folks never never hit, but they yelled a lot, and my dad can really get angry and scream a lot. I want to avoid anything like that." "Yeah, same here. My parents got divorced real early in my life. I'd want to make sure I had a very loving relationship with a wonderul, kind, and loving woman before they could be the mom." Jesse looked askance at him. "Joseph...I'm impressed. That was a very responsible thing you just said." "Well, sure. I mean, no way Fred could raise Pebbles without Wilma, but he wouldn't have done her any good just going from cave to cave trying to find women." "You go through a lot of caves, don't you, Uncle Jesse?" Stephanie asked quite honestly. Jesse opened his mouth, his face a touch red from embarrassment. D.J. snickered. "She's got you there, Uncle Jesse." "Look...that's true, Steph. But, if I were to be guardian, I would be much more mature about that. I would find a great woman, settle down, and have a family." Jesse looked upward and mumbled, "I can't believe I just said that." "Who sounds responsible now?" Joey asked. It wasn't normally like him to make wisecracks, but he could. And, the issue of a stable life for the girls was important to him. "Oh yeah. Well, at least I don't show every woman I meet my impression of Daffy Duck." D.J. and Stephanie snickered. Stephanie turned to her sister and said, "Their arguments are a lot funnier than Grandma and Grandpa's." The comment shocked Jesse back into reality. He would rather have the girls raised in this home than his parents'. They were wonderful, and the girls liked them a lot. But, they were older, and there was actually more bickering there  a lot more than would be here. In addition, they might be harsher on the girls than he and Joey would be. He didn't think they needed that. They certainly didn't need his dad's excessive hollering, which he could do at times; they needed someone who would talk nicely with them while laying down the law if need be. "Look, Joey, I really care about my nieces. They mean more to me than anything in the world right now." "Same here, Jess. That's why we're here," Joey said with a shrug. "I know, Joey. Look." He put a hand on Joey's shoulder. "Man, it's great to be funny sometimes. But, you've got to be serious, too. I mean, if one of them kids breaks a window you can't just start copying and pretending you're remodeling the house." "Oh, come on, Jess, I wouldn't do anything that crazy. I can be serious if I have to be. Look, if I'd gone to the airport saying I wanted to be Peter Pan they never would have let me near a plane. But, I truly wanted to fly, I showed I had the knowledge to pass the tests and get my hours in, and now I could do something there, maybe get more hours in and become an instructor even, in addition to comedy." "Okay, but I'm still never getting in a plane with you. But, there's another thing. I got my dad's business to fall back on, along with my music. What do you have?" Jesse asked. "Well, I have a teaching certificate. I also majored in Communication Studies in college where I went with Danny. So, I can go into business somewhere. Plus, comedy is good for a lot of things. Advertising, for instance, or anything in radio or TV." He imitated Popeye and said, "And now a word from our sponsor. Hey, wait a minute. I'm doing the ad, too. Whoa! Ah, heh, heh heh," he said, finishing with Popeye's famous laugh. "I have lots of things to fall back on; I know it's hard for comedy to work." Jesse nodded slowly. He couldn't believe it, but the idea was appealing to him more and more. "And till you found a good wife and mother, I'd be here to take of them, anyway," he mumbled. "Well, sure, Jess. We're a team now." Jesse sighed. He liked having freedom. But, he also recognized the responsibility of caring for his nieces. It was a daunting proposition, though, one which he would need Joey's help with, anyway, even if he were doing it. If Joey were the legal guardian, though, he wouldn't have to worry as much. He would still have input, and the first few years he might well be in the same role Pam had been. He would be able to help his parents look after the money, too. And, when he needed freedom, he supposed he could count on Joey to find someone as a sitter or, later, as a wife so he could move out and be on the road witht he band or something. Even if that woman was looked for because she had many of the qualities of Wilma Flintstone. Jesse walked up to the will, and handed it to Joey. "Here, Joey. Give it to Danny. Tell him we all agree. Your name needs to be on here." Danny arrived home through the back door, only to see supper warming but no people. "Anybody home?" "In here, Dad," D.J. hollered. Danny walked into the living room, and saw the others huddled together, with D.J. holding Michelle. They were seated in front of a home video with wistful looks on their faces. "Am I interrupting something?" Danny whispered. He picked Stephanie up, sat on the couch, and placed her in his lap. "Hey, honey." The girls finally turned and hugged and kissed him. "We're watching Steph's fifth birthday now," D.J. said. "We kept picking more and more out with Mom in them after we got home from school." She pointed to the stacks on the coffee table. After they sat watching for a couple minutes, Joey whispered to Danny, "We all talked about it. We agreed I'm to be the guardian." "Okay," Danny said absently. "I'll run by the attorney's first thing tomorrow morning." He could understand why it was hard to talk. Thoughts of Pam and sent everyone to the video file, and this normally happy, noisy group had become somber as they thought of the second tragedy that would have to happen for the decision made today to have to be put into action. Stephanie had been thinking about it, too. But, as she turned and said, "Daddy," she could find no words. She wasn't really sure what she wanted to say. Finally, she just hugged him and said, slightly teary, "I love you." "I love you too, hon," he said, as the group huddled closer together in a warm, loving, embrace.

Again, this if Full House, and it shows just how well one can do a fic that conveys lots of emotion. Bad things don't have to be invented, because often there are things int he series itself thaat can be used to your benefit. Note how the characters' feelings are conveyed, in a real life situation that also may well have happened. See, even wills can be interesting in stories. MISSING HER Fiveyearold Stephanie Tanner looked at the paper on her dad's desk. "Will," she said out loud. "Gee, Daddy's got a paper with the same name as my one classmate." Stephanie was in Kindergarten at Frasier Street Elementary School. She held up the paper as her dad walked into the room with her lunch box. "Daddy, what's this?" "Oh, that's my will." Her dad, Danny Tanner, looked up for a second, then sat at the desk and beckoned Stephanie to sit on his lap, knowing she'd wonder what a will was. She did. "Honey, when Mommy died a few months ago, she had a piece of paper that said I was to have all the stuff she owned. And, I had one saying she got everything I had. But now, I have to make a new one. I don't plan to die for a loooong time," he assured her. Stephanie felt very relieved. "But, I need to have one, just in case. And, I have to make a very tough decision with this will." "What's that, Daddy?" Stephanie asked. "Well, of course, since Mommy died, I'm raising you girls. But, I have to decide if I were to die young, who would take care of you girls." "How about Mr. Rogers? I like his neighborhood." "Well, I was thinking you'd prefer to stay in your own home." Danny said with a smile. He knew the concept wasn't totally real to her; hence the comment about Mr. Rogers' neighborhood. She doesn't want to think about losing me now as a possibility, he pondered. "That's easy, then. Uncle Jesse and Joey can do it," Stephanie said. Since her dad had told her he wasn't planning on dying, she wasn't that worried. Besides, the answer seemed obvious. Her dad's brotherinlaw, which was Pam's younger brother Jesse, and Danny's best friend Joey had moved in to help Danny raise his girls, fiveyearold Stephanie, tenyearold D.J., and oneyearold Michelle. Danny chuckled warmly. Since they were helping Danny, he figured they replaced Pam in Stephanie's mind. But, it wasn't that simple. While he wouldn't get into the issues of who took care of the property  his mom up in Washington state and Jesse's parents here in San Francisco would be the best handlers of his finances until the girls were able  one person or a man and woman would be the technical guardian. He tried to explain this on Stephanie's level. "Well, honey, remember how I had to sign papers in case you got sick or hurt at school, for the doctors?" She nodded. "Well, I have to choose one person, or a man and woman, to make choices like that. And, that's a tough decision. It could be your grandparents, it could be Uncle Jesse, or it could be Joey. But, don't worry, I'm determined this will will have a name on it by this afternoon, so the lawyer can type it up." He kissed her on the forehead. "Any questions?" She hummed. "I don't think so." It was rather confusing in her mind, and she needed time to settle what exactly was happening before she could really know for sure what else to ask. "Okay, it's about time for school. Tell your sister to hurry up, we're running a little late." Danny smiled wistfully as Stephanie ran upstairs, then glanced at the paper. He wondered what Pam, would have done. Stephanie skipped merrily into her classroom. She was excited to see so many happy faces. The fun of school usually helped her keep her mind off missing her mother. She had only died a half year ago. One familiar face, however, wasn't there  the quiet girl who always seemed to hang around Stephanie. "Mrs. Payton, where's Allie?" she asked after raising her hand. "Her mom called, she's sick today." "Oh, no," Stephanie moaned. Allie was lots of fun to have around, because she'd been far more nervous than Stephanie about Kindergarten. She was starting to break out of her shyness, but Allie still liked to hang around Stephanie a lot. Stephanie was so used to Kindergarten that she was talking up a storm by now, as she did at home. So, Allie never really had to say much when with Stephanie. "Well, all your other friends are here. And, you'll appreciate having her around all the more when she gets back," Mrs. Payton offered with a smile, hoping to encourage Stephanie. Stephanie hoped her teacher was right. However, not having her friend there made her think a while as the class gathered for snack time. Who would she eat with? Will walked up to her table and sat next to her. She thought of her dad's paper. "Hey, my daddy had a paper on his desk with your name on it." "Maybe it was named after him," spoke Harry, a boy with Japanese parents, seated on the other side of Stephanie. "I'm named after my great uncle. I learned that over Thanksgiving." "Could be. But, why would it be named after him?" she asked, pointing to Will. Will asked what the paper said, and Stephanie explained. "It says who gets Daddy's stuff and who takes care of us if he dies." "My mommy and daddy are taking care of a baby like that," Abby explained as she opened her milk. "They say we're a foster family." "But, your name's not Foster," Stephanie said. "That just means we take care of strangers' kids," Abby explained. Stephanie became more worried as the boys at the table spoke. "Why is it called that?" Will asked. "Maybe the first guy to do it was named Foster," Harry suggested. "Oh, no, and we don't even know anyone named Foster," Stephanie mourned. "Maybe it doesn't mean that. I'll ask the teacher." Will got up to ask the teacher. "Maybe not." Stephanie slumped in her seat. "I hope Daddy figures out what to do." Meanwhile, back at the Tanner residence, Danny was ready to go in to work at his sports reporting job. Before he left for the TV station, he helped Jesse take care of Michelle. While Jesse got out the baby food, Danny set Michelle up in her high chair and placed her bib on her. He also spoke about his impending decision. "Hey, man, that's great you're getting that will done now. You remember Papouli? His brother died a few years ago, at age eighty. He hadn't had his will redone in almost sixty years." Jesse closed the refrigerator door. "Papouli was shocked to learn he was now supposed to raise his fiftyeightyearold nephew." "I know. I could hardly even look at any of our paperwork at first. I just dumped everything from our desk into a huge bag, then I took a great big bag down and plopped it on the attorney's desk. Then I had to go back when I realized I'd given him the laundry by mistake." He opened the jar Jesse handed him, and started to feed Michelle. "But, you know, Jess, speaking of raising kids, when I think about how you helped pull us all together that week, and how you've helped since you moved in here, I've got to say, you are one special guy. I'd feel very comfortable with you raising my girls. I'm really proud of you." He noticed Jesse's odd look. "Sorry, it's just the dad in me coming out." "Oh, no, it's not that, man," Jesse said, referring to how Danny said he was proud of him. "It's just...I love helping out here, but there's so much else I want to do with my life before I settle down. I mean, I've been happy these past four months, but we're talking seventeen years with Michelle here." "Don't worry, she'll be feeding herself by then," Danny joked. Sensing that hadn't helped Jesse, he said, "Hey, look, if you don't want to be the guardian, that's fine. I understand. You're twentyfour, Joey and I are thirty. It's just that now that the two of you are more mature, I think one of you two should be the guardian. Sure, your dad and mom are only in their middle fifties, but I just think I'd like someone younger and an environment where the couple isn't arguing so much. I love them, man, you know that. I was just thinking one of you two would be best, and you could both stay here. But, if you don't..." At that moment, Joey came in the door making airplane noises. First, he sounded like an engine, and spread his arms while running through the living room. "What in the world..." Jesse said as he opened the kitchen door. He found Joey buzzing through making noises like a plane dive bombing something. Danny gave Joey a very stunned look. Michelle placed her fingers in her mouth while giving Joey a look that seemed to cry out, "This is nuts." "Hey, as long as you're gonna make airplane sounds, go help Danny feed Michelle," Jesse commanded. Joey stopped suddenly, then stood in the middle of the kitchen and announced excitedly: "I can fly, I can fly!" "Have mercy, now I know this clown's off his rocker. He really thinks he's Peter Pan," Jesse declared. Joey laughed as he walked over to Jesse. "That's a good one, Jesse. I'll have to remember it for my next comedy act. Seriously, I got all my hours logged in after a couple years, and now I am certified to fly any single engine or twin engine plane. Cessnas, crop dusters, you name it. This is something I've always longed to do, soar into the air like an eagle. Whooosh!" he said, making a swooping motion with his hand. "Doesn't that excite you?" "All I know is two things. One, I am never getting in a plane with you," Jesse said, pointing at Joey. He then walked toward Danny and said, "Two, where do I sign that paper that makes me guardian if you die?" "Jess, I thought you were implying you didn't want the job." "That was before this nut came in here making airplane noises all through the house. Look, I don't mind having Joey here to help while I make a living. But, as far as making decisions for the girls' health, he'll try to make appointments to see Dr. Seuss if they get sick." "Oh, come on, Jess, you know Joey's more responsible than that." "Yeah? How many parents to you know who sleep in ScoobyDoo pajamas?" Danny kissed Michelle goodbye and said "I love you," then walked over to the other men. "Look, I've got to get back to the station. I promised Stephanie to have a decision by this afternoon, and technically dinnertime is still afternoon. So, work this out amongst yourselves, because I would like to know what to say so I can drop this will off at the lawyer's tomorrow morning." Meanwhile, discussion in Kindergarten had turned to Thanksgiving dinners as lunchtime neared. Stephanie was in an allday Kindergarten program, and normally she could handle that very well. She could already read, after all, for one thing. However, as talk turned from how D.J. had tried to pull the meal together to what so many moms had done, Stephanie began to feel a little lonely. It wasn't bad at first. But, a couple other times, she'd just been able to start rambling to Allie about what her mom used to do. Allie was so nice and quiet. Stephanie figured she just listened well, like her "best friend," a stuffed bear Pam had given her named Mr. Bear. And, the experience with Stephanie was helping to make Allie into a very good listener. However, good listener or just really shy, Allie was helpful at times like this. And, she wasn't here. As Stephanie sat thinking, she kept getting sadder and sadder. Without anyone to really talk to, she soon began whimpering. Mrs. Payton noticed quickly. She knew children grieved differently than adults; it was more likely they would just start grieving at what to adults seemed random times. Though she figured she knew what the problem was, she went over to Stephanie and asked tenderly, "What's wrong, Stephanie?" "I miss my Mommy," she sobbed. Though she tried to wipe away tears, they came faster than the tissues most Kindergartners had could stop them. Mrs. Payton smiled warmly while sighing inwardly. She was glad so many of Stephanie's friends gathered around her. They all knew that Stephanie's mother had died in a tragic accident from Mrs. Payton and others telling them. But, like them, the teacher wanted to help, but couldn't. Sometimes, it was impossible to know what to say. At those times, it was often better to just be like Allie, and listen. But, sometimes, the child dissolved into tears like this. Mrs. Payton suddenly had an idea. She rose quickly and wrote a note on a scrap of paper. She handed it to one of the children, and gave him directions to the cafeteria. D.J. Tanner was standing in line with her best friend, Kimmy Gibbler. "At least we get to eat together," she said to Kimmy. She still wished they were back in the same classroom, too. Suddenly, she noticed a Kindergarten student looking around in awe. He was one of those who was only there for half a day. And, he was very impressed. "You eat here?" he said to D.J.. "Well, sort of," Kimmy interjected. "In the same way that they call this food.'" "Can I help you?" D.J. asked the child. "I'm s'posed to find a teacher and have her get D.J. Tanner." He handed her the note. D.J. sighed and looked downcast. She walked over to a cafeteria worker, and handed her the note. The child followed D.J. like a puppy dog. "I need to go to Mrs. Payton's class. My little sister needs me." "Certainly, D.J.," the worker said. Once D.J. reached the classroom, she ran to Stephanie. Stephanie was being comforted by the teacher and a couple students, but was obviously crying rather hard. "It's okay, Steph. I'm right here," she said. D.J. instantly hugged her, and offered to take her out in the hall to sit for a few minutes. She tried hard not to become emotional herself inside the classroom. Once they were outside, D.J. sat on the floor and cuddled with Stephanie. She said, "I came from lunch as soon as I heard. I know, it's so hard sometimes." Stephanie simply curled up in D.J.'s lap and allowed her sister to hold her. Stephanie's tears finally stopped for the most part as she felt her sister's warm embrace. She sniffled a few times, then looked up at D.J. with a tearstained face and tearfully said, "I'm sorry you're missing your lunch." "That's okay," D.J. said mournfully. "We're both missing something far more important."

I don't know how many of you follow Full House, but this is the first in a series of what fanfic should be. It's inserting a little story that explains something on the show, and also it's nice, clean, and cleverly plotted. And, it keeps them in character. Note that it's something that likely happened or at least could have int he time we don't see the people: A/N: As a study break, I wrote this to show what happened to the goldfish Michelle gets after Martin, & to all those Danny bought, plus explaining why the punishment in “The Devil Made Me Do It“ sounds much tougher than even a normal father would be on a 5YO for mere disobedience, let alone the lax (with her anyway) Danny. (Though Jesse wonders why she isn’t in her room, it’s standard procedure for Danny to have them thinking about being grounded there a very short time in their rooms, it seems - and being grounded to them just means unable to go out anywhere. Although it‘s also possible she was just sulking after being let out of timeout.) Hope you enjoy, even though it’s very short. Go Fish D.J. Tanner, almost fourteen, and Stephanie, nine, confronted their dad, Danny, on the 2nd floor of their home. Danny was a widower and father of these two and Michelle, four. Michelle had killed her goldfish by accident, so Danny bought a replacement in an aquarium. He’d bought many more in fish bowls lining one of their largest cupboards. “Dad, I can’t believe that cupboard!” D.J. shouted. “What, are the hinges loose on one?” He was obsessed with cleaning and neatness. “Not that,” Stephanie flailed her hand. “We’re talking about the goldfish!” “Remember how hard it was to get over Mom’s death?!” D.J. asked, visibly upset. “Girls…of course I do. Even with your Uncle Jesse and Joey moving in, and your soon to be Aunt Becky, I’ve missed Mom like crazy sometimes. That‘s why I did this.” “But, Dad, you can‘t just replace Martin with twenty more,” D.J. said. “I’m not replacing Martin with twenty. When the new one dies, and all the babies it just had, then I’ll give her one of the ones in the cupboard.” “He just doesn’t get it, does he?” “I’m afraid not, Steph. Dad, it’s not about goldfish. It’s about Mom. Do you realize how much I’d give to have just a little more time with her?” She began tearing up, and the three embraced. “I know, Deej, I know. I feel the same way,” Danny said sadly. After the long, tender hug, he added, “I don’t want Michelle to have to face something like that; not even with a goldfish.” “Dad, Michelle has to be told the facts of life,” Stephanie insisted. “Why? What has she heard?“ Danny asked nervously. D.J. understood his fear. “Not those facts, those can wait a few years.” He breathed a sigh of relief. “We were really sad, but now we’re over it. At least, as much as we’ll ever be.” “But Michelle shouldn’t think she can just replace someone with another person. You said yourself, we’ll never replace Mom, even if you would remarry.” “You’re right. I know, my buying all those upsets you. And, I guess you‘re right; she needs to learn how to handle a death. But, I just don’t like seeing her sad. But, maybe we should get rid of the extras. Now that she has a bunch, and a proper aquarium.” “I think we’re too late,” Stephanie said as Michelle ran upstairs. “Come quick, come quick!“ Michelle shouted joyously. “More fishies in the cupboard!” Danny didn’t know what to say, but Stephanie was never short on words. “Right. Those are…party favors. For the wedding,” Stephanie explained. “Yeah,” D.J. agreed, not knowing what else to say. “Just like balloons at a birthday party.” “You can keep your aquarium. But, well, D.J. and Stephanie are right,” Danny said, passing them a thankful glance. He knew they were right; Michelle shouldn’t think anyone could be replaced that easily. “We’ll write names from the guest book, and hold a raffle.” Joey had copied all the names on post-it notes. At the reception, after everyone ate, Danny announced that they had a “very special surprise” for the guests, and began drawing names from a hat. “Howie, you get the first choice,” Danny announced. Howie - Michelle’s four-year-old cousin - went with his parents to pick out one of the fish. “Whatever you do, don’t give him a bubble bath,” Michelle advised. D.J.’s best friend Kimmy grinned proudly at her. “Now I understand that motto. Howie Long must have given lots of fish away as a Senator.” Noting D.J.’s thoroughly baffled look, Kimmy said, “You know, the guy we learned about in history. His nickname was ‘Goldfish.’” “Kimmy, Howie Long plays for the Raiders. Huey Long was the senator, his nickname was ‘Kingfish,’ not ‘Goldfish.’” “Oh. Well, at least I remembered his motto for the test - ‘Every man a fish.’ Now it makes sense.” “Kimmy, Huey Long believed every citizen should be treated like a king. It was ‘Every Man a King‘ - not a fish.” “Oh.” Kimmy thought for a second. “The teacher’s gonna write something about laughing convulsively again, huh?” “I wouldn’t doubt it.” Stephanie had overheard the conversation. As she brought Kimmy a fish, she said, “Here. His name’s Huey. Knowing you, you’ll vote for him when you‘re old enough.” A year later, Michelle had finished eating in her room, and was watching her goldfish in the aquarium against the wall opposite the door. D.J. entered. Danny, who had eaten with and talked with Michelle, said once D.J. and she were done talking Michelle could come downstairs. He took the plates and left. “Hey, Michelle.” D.J. sat on Michelle’s bed, and Michelle came and snuggled with her. “Do you still like those fish? Steph’s had to clean the tank and feed them the last few weeks.” “Daddy asked that, too.” “You have a choice, you know. It was nice to have them today. But, Daddy was coming to let you out of timeout.” He’d sent her to her room for a normal, fifteen minute or so timeout for disobeying a direct order, and had tried to say she’d be grounded the rest of the day with no TV afterward, since she‘d been rebellious lately. But, he’d gotten the two mixed up, as he sometimes did - once he’d gotten confused and transposed lectures he was giving to Stephanie and Jesse. “Daddy told me,” Michelle said, lowering her head. For running away and leaving timeout she’d had to spend the rest of the afternoon in her room. Of course, she hadn't said, but she would have run away regardless of whether she was going to be let out. Danny had just finished another long talk with her about that. “You did that; a while back you put your Gumby in the microwave and shorted out a bunch of stuff. You’re going to start obeying Daddy again, right?” Michelle knew Danny was normally very lenient, but D.J. promised to be much tougher if Danny ever lost control of her. “I better. Or you’ll deal with me instead,” Michelle said, grinning sheepishly. Uncertainty over what would happen meant Michelle didn’t want to think of crossing that line. “That wouldn’t be pleasant for either of us,“ D.J. agreed, glad her psychological warfare still worked with Michelle - and that she obeyed when D.J. gave extra chores. “You don’t have to keep the fish, you know.” “Good. Let Stephanie have them.” “Daddy said he could tell you were tired of them. But, Steph doesn’t have time for another pet, and we all have Comet.” Michelle thought for a second. “Mr. Johnson likes pets.” D.J. agreed. Eddie Johnson was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. She visited him as a volunteer, and he’d been to the house, too, with supervised help except for the first time. He’d helped judge a neighborhood dog show once. “Maybe he’d like them since we don‘t want them.” D.J. beamed, giving Michelle a big hug. “That’s a great idea, Michelle. Daddy’s going to be so proud of you for suggesting that. Mr. Johnson’s lonely there sometimes. And, with the nurses helping to feed the fish, that’s something that whole unit will love.” “I’m a good girl again!” “You sure are. Let’s go downstairs, and call the nursing home. They’ll love having all those fish donated.” And, as D.J. expected, they did.

On October 17, 1989 an earthquake struck San Francisco and sen the 3rd season of Full House into a confused spiral of postponed shows and put the whole season out of airdate order in some cases, thanks to the World Series airing on a date the Halloween episode was to have aired, pushing it into Michelle's birthday, Michelle's birthday into...you get the idea. Never assume the airdate is the date an episode takes place. You're being told an account of fictional characters. The storyteller has the right to insert things they just remember if you're hearing it verbally. So, you need to realize the air date might not be when they planned to have anything happen. And, it's really simple with some, like a Christmas episode that airs a few days before. But, when you watch with your brain working, you'llsee there's other stuff going on, too.

Watch TV with your brains on, please. I just read a so-called error saying that an episode took place over a 6-week period, because a person's arms weren't broken the next week and they were supposed to take 6 weeks to heal. Hello? If an episode at the start of a season says it takes 6 weeks for arms to heal that were broken, then guess what? The end of the episode, with the arms not in a cast anymore, is at the start of a season, usually in fall. So, that means the start of that episode occurred 6 weeks earlier, in July or August. Or, even June - the episode might end in August, and the next episode take place a month after that. This isn't rocket science; it's taking what's there and using that information to understand when something happened. If it don't fonclict, then we mustsubmit, and accept it hapepend that way. And, just work our way around trying to figure out how it happened. Air dates are not written in stone, it's the canon that's written in stone.