I don't want this to end..

Well.. things have definately not been easy recently. I still don't have a working car, hopefully that changes this weekend. But either way God is good, and I have been blessed to the extreme...

Haven';t had much time for games obviously, otherwise I'd be blogging more often... Work takes up alot of time and when I'm not working I'm sleeping. Go figure :) But it's ok, because no matter what crap I run into, I'm still gunna be happy :)

I think I give up.

That is all.

Through these struggles, we push through

We fight and we win, but sometimes we lose

We are all each our own pearl

Through the worries, the struggles and strife

Our deepest fears make the oyster come to life

Like the diamond in the rough,

the tiger eye in a sand storm

We are all pearls through our sruggles we are formed.....

I wrote this poem just a few moments ago. It was inspired by the words of Naomi Tutu, daughter of South African Bishop Desmond Tutu. She came today and spoke at a local college and it was probably one of the most inspiring things I've ever heard. Her words were so strong and filled with wisdom and passion. The things she spoke of today really hit home and fell along the lines of what I heard David Mullins, Rich Mullins brother, speak earlier this morning. He also came to a local college to speak. He spoke of scars and how we shouldn't brag about them, nor allow them to drag us down but to learn to use them. To use our scars for good, as in ministering others through our scars and the things we go through. Naomi, spoke of gifts and how there are so many people in this world and we all have gifts. Some use them to make the world a better place, while others use their gifts in the negative. She spoke of how we are all human, no one better than another and also how we are all pearls. The pearl isn't just made, it takes time and the cause is actually an irritant or a piece of sand or dirt gets in the oyster causing a pearl to form. She spoke how through our struggles we all grow and learn, and become who we are. Anyways I wish every one could have been there at both schools to see both awesome leaders speak. It was an honour to be privelaged enough to not only hear Naomi speak but also to meet her, in person! It's really cool how she spoke of her parents and her father espescially, she spoke very highly of them and how they lived by what they spoke of. Anyways my friend Phil just got here so I guess I'll have to continue this later :) Not that there's much more I can say but yeah I hope you enjoyed my little whater you wanna call it. Anyway today was a great day, best day ever and I thought you all should know about it!!!!

=D Yay for me! So.. I dyed my hair. Again :) But only to fix my roots and let's just sya I grabbed the wrong color so yeah :) I love making messes of myself. It's not so bad though and hey its hair! Hair grows back and is way fixable!!!!

My car is ready at the shop :) Hopefully I can figure out how to drive a stick shift or I'm in trouble :) And it isn't costing me neaar what I thought it would :) So thats a plus and I start my job on Monday!! Thank you Jesus!

I wish I had more patience with writing. My poor stories always go unfinished..And the one I just started yesterday turned out way awesome but it will never be done....lol i get too side tracked to finish. Just like the story I started a few months ago...Oh well :) Anyways to the poem I wrote....

I just started watching this series called Spartacus and let me tell you!! It's freaking awesome!!! I'm only 5 episodes into it and I'm hooked. Only issue is the sex scenes in it, but that's to be expected when they are talking about Rome... haha Anyways the poem was inspired sort of from Spartacus's story but from a womans point of view. It actually was the inspiration behind the story I'm trying to write....Which doesn't have anything to do with the series....It was just a minor inspiration. If you want to read what I have so far, and mind you it's only a rough draft I wrote late last night so many edits are due, you can go to the blog below...it's pretty muhc where I write some stories and stuff so far there are only two of them but the one you want is the last blog wrote, written yesterday that is if you do take the time to read it. It's not that long yet but I'd love some comments and constructive critisism on it... You can comment here if you comment at all... No one ever reads my other blog so I'm not really expecting anyone to read it but it woiuld be nicelol :)

http://berlygurl.wordpress.com/

Welp Kids, that's all for today I'll update more on Bioshock when I actually get started playing it!!!!!!!!

Peace, Love,Writing

Berly :)

Okay this is what's up. Here's a poem I want you to read with an open mind. Read it, and then leave a comment of what you think it means, you can describe and detail as much as you want. It'd even be great if you could write a story about why this poem, say it's a letter, was written.I'm really curious as to what others might think, and get from it. So please, read it and let me know what you think and once I hear a few peoples opinions I'll describe to you what it means to me :)

My heart it pours, it bleeds for you.

I yearn for the faintest brush of your handsto graze my face.

But I'll never see you again.

My Soul it cries, hurts for you, and yet the memory ofyou is fadingaway.

The skies they cry, oh bitter wind, how you defy me!

My love, my life has beentaken away.

The winds they whisper our secrets, they tell all our lies.

Even the story of once a love so strong it could never die.

And yet I stand here, kneeling before no man, and whomst shall I devote to my heart?

Whenst my love has been cast out?

And against my better judgement I allowed the hands of a broken man to love me, past betrayed.

He can not save me, for he could not save his self!

This city will burn to the ground, and I will light the flames.

For they who stole my love, by my hand theywill not be saved.

My theme song for this month is Turn it Off by Paramore

Lyrics to Turn It Off :
I scraped my knees while i was praying
and found a demon in my safest haven
seems like its getting harder to believe in anything
and just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
to find perfection in my pride
to see nothing in the light
but turn it off in all my spite,
in all my spite i'll turn it off

and the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff
and in the freefall i will realize i'm better off when I hit the bottom

tragedy it seems unending
i'm watching everyone i looked up to break and bending
we're taking short cuts and false illusions
just to come out the hero

well i can see behind the curtain
the wheels are creaking, turning
it's all wrong the way we're working
towards a goal that's nonexistent, it's nonexistent but we just keep believing

and the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff
and in the freefall i will realize i'm better off when I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it'd be like
to find perfection in my pride
to see nothing in the light
but turn it off in all my spite,
in all my spite i'll turn it off
just turn it off again
again, again, again.

and the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff
and in the freefall i will realize i'm better off when I hit the bottom

and the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff
and in the freefall i will realize i'm better off when I hit the bottom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSg9hx36H5E

Here lately I've been at a cross road in my life. I'm ready to get out there and live. To be who God made me and to stop searching for love in all the wrong places. I just want to be completely free. I just want to breathe.

I'm so tired of the constant reminders of my past, my mistakes. Espescially the dreams. Goodness, If i could stop dreaming for a few days, well that would be nice.

Anywho, my friend let me borrow his Bioshock for the xbox360!!! Gah!! I'm excited and can't wait to start it, he also brought me a few books of The Goon comic :) Can't wait to finish the book I'm reading so I can get started on those. Another friend showed me some of GOW3 and oh my word!! It looks freaking awesome! Even thought it will be forever before I can play it, I can't wait!!!

My friend Sarah set me up for an account on a christian dating site. And it's gay just because I don't believe in doing that nonsense, Even if I wanted to start dating there isn't any way in hell I'm using a internet dating site. Can you say STALKER! DANGER, Will Robinson! Danger! bahaha it was fun setting it up, answering all the ?'s but I'm totally not serious about it... Ha one of the ?'s was what are your turn ons? She said POPSICLES! in a squeeky girly voice! haha and I said POPSICLES, PENGUINS, ANDTOWELS, ANDCHAIRS! In a squeeky girly voice, and it was sooo hilarious lol..We didn't actually put that on the answer haha but it was funny anyway :)

Welp, even though there's so much more I could say I'll save it for next time :)

Peace, Love, Berly

I read a novel yesterday :) Monster by Frank Peretti..Took me nearly 6 hours but by goodness I read all of it!

Been up and down, all day. Cleaning annd playing video games off and on non stop =D Just got done playing Soul Calibur 4 for like an hour...I think I like Street Fighter and Marvel VS Capcom and Mortal Combat better but its still fun to play. I've been taking a break from God of War because I'm very frustrated with it right now lol. I'm stuck and I tried like 20 times to get past where I'm at and I just can't. Not today. So I'll try again tomorrow and I will get past it. Started playing Heavenly Sword to pass the time but I have yet to decide whether I like it or not. Pretty much spent half of the day cleaning and the other half playing the PS3...What a life lol... As much as I love playing I def. can't wait to start my job. I hate not working it drives me crazy.... Althought the coolest job ever would be playing the games and getting paid for it ;p

I went ahead and started another Frank Peretti book called The Oath...Haven't really gotten into it yet but I def. don't want to stay up all night reading again..... My eyes get really blurry and I get bad migraines from reading. I know I need glasses, and i have some but they hurt my eyes..It's about time to go to the eye doctor :)

Going to clean my friends parents house tomorrow.....Then who knows, I may head into town afterwards and just hang out but it depends...I sort of want to go to the arcade but then that would require going to the mall and I hate going by myself, besides the fact that I hate the mall for serious. And I don't really have money to blow on the arcade........

Kinda sucks when you all of your friends are out busy and all that jazz...

I cooked today :) I miss cooking. One of my favorite things to do but I always end up doing the dishes so I rarely do.

My friend Sarah and I came up with a plan for school :) It just all depends on how things go...I hope it works out cause the school we are looking at has a year program for LPN and I'm going to work on my nurse degree so what better way to start than to get LPN certified?! I really can't wait. I want to be in nursing so bad I can taste it. If I had the option I'd go to school for Graphic Design but the only school I'd want to go to is wayyy expensive. I can't afford Full Sail in Florida so I'm going with my second career choice :)

Welp kids thats all for now :)

Those of you who have had the chance to get and play GOW3 Congrats lol. It will be another 2 years before I get a chance to play it. lol If I do.

Peace,Love,Berly

Got a little bit farther on God of War...Been watching my friend play it for awhile and he's alot farther than I am...He's in the hades part..I can't wait to finish it(if I can) and get to the second one so I can play the third one when they get it :)

Finally wroteto Zach :) I feel better about that now that it's outta the way..

Been a lazy day playing and watching video games being played..Love days like this :)

Well thats it for now...Gunna watch more God of War, while my friend is playing it... And that's it....

Peace, Love, Berly

I have eaten so many fruit rollups that my stomache is aching and my tongue is blue :P

Been listening to Disturbed, First to Last, Slipknot, The Devil Wears Prada, Saliva, and some other stuff....... This post is going to bea serious rant because I am pissed the Eff off :) And if anyone is under 18 and can't handle the truth, then I'd advise you turn your eyes elsewhere. I just needed to get a few things off my chest.

First of all.. People really piss me off. What the crap is wrong with you? You have so much that you have no frigggin reason to be depressed! Why the hell can't you just accept what God has blessed you with? Why do people always want more? And what is the deal with getting pissy over nothing. I'm not allowed to be nice to you because you had a bad day? Good grief, get over yourself. And seriously if I could sit around and do nothing, well I wouldn't. Because that is just pure LAZY! There isn't a darn thing wrong with you. Wonder why your so freaking depressed? Take a look in the mirror and take a good look at yourself. You sit around and do nothing all the time. Yeah so what games are fun, and I don't just mean the video game kind,but it's not a life to live. There are so many people in my life I wish could read this because I'm over it. My mother, she's bipolar. She is schizophrenic. Try living with that. Try growing up in that kind of environment. She sits on her butthiding in her room everyday and does nothing because she's depressed.My father, sits in front of the computer 24/7, wonder why he's not happy?If you're not happy with your life get up off your lazy bum and do something about it!!Try being a child in Africa and other countries where they are taught war and death when they are still too young to understand And their parents die from diseases such as AIDS and Malnutrition! They can't do anything about their situation butYOU CAN!I mean, this country has so much to live for and yet it's not enough. I'm so freakin sick of the depression and complaining. And all the bitterness that comes with it. I used to be like you. And Thank God I grew up. Thank goodness I found my way out of the madness before it consumed me like it has consumed you. Can't you see that I love you? That I want you to be happy? that I'm trying to help you? But you keep pushing me away and I can't do it anymore. I'm done. I'm done with being the good guy and pretending everything is ok. I used to care what you thought, you meant everything to me. But now that I know I mean nothing to you......It breaks my heart but I won't dwell on you or your 'problems'.And I don't even want to see your face. I don't want to hear your voice. So I'll stop waiting around for you to grow up and do something with your life. I'm moving on with mine. Even if it hurts, even if I lose you, I don't think I ever had you. And no, this isn't to just one person but read it and understand that I'm done playing games. I'm too old for the bull crap, too old for the drama. It's sorry that I thought you were too old for it too....But I guess some people never grow up. I'm tired of wasting my tears for you people. I'll pray for you, but I won't let you drag me down.

To my mother with whom I hope never reads this:

I'm doing something with my life. I'm going places. And maybe you never taught me to love myself, maybe you never taught me to be strong, maybe you never taught me to have control, but some one did. And it's messed up it took 18 yearsfor me tofind that someone.It's just sad that it wasn't you. I looked up to you, even when I watched you beat my sister and she doesn't even remember it. When I watched you take drugs. When you threw us out of the house and locked your self in, attempting suicide. When you called me names and said I was a dog, I wasnt good enough. I still loved you. So why didn't you ever love me? And you alwasy said I wasn't good enough, I was too stupid to ever be anything. When I watched you and daddy fight and throw things, like that 10 pound ashtray that went through the window, did you ever stop to think of us? What kind of parent are you? So you think that 22 years and everything is all right? That you can act like you love me? That all of a sudden you want to be involved? I'm sorry thatw as your mistake. You should have thought about that when you were getting doped up with your drug buddies and setting such a good example for your children. And when I was 12everytime I got sick we headed to the doctor.Kimberly must be pregnant, Well guess what? I never was. And I never had sex. Sothank you for making me feel like a slut even though I wasnt.Just because my friends were doing it didnt mean I was. I was a good kid.And you've got my sister brain washed. She can't figure out why I hate your house, why I can't be in the room with you for long periods of time. Why I dont have much to say. She thinks its ook because your sick. Yeah, your sick but that doesnt excuse everything that you've done. And you know what I haven't vented this much in awhile and it feels hella good. And you know what? I still love you. And I forgive you......But I still wish I could say thanks for being there for me..But you weren't.

To my dadddy: You're a good dad. But you could have been better. You've spent too many freaking years hating, and dwelling on how much you dispise my mother. Get over it! Your a grown man. You can't let other people ruin your life. It's no wonder your depressed. I used to feel sorry for you but not anymore. It's your fault that your where you are..

To the both of them : I refuse to be like you.

Anyways:

I don't know what set me off but it did. And I feel better. And I'm glad that Jesus taught me better and taught me all the things they never did.

:) And I could go on but I love my life right now. And I'm happy. And yes, I may need to vent everynow and again. I'm only human you know.

And that whole first paragraph wasn't just for them there are a few friends it's directed towards too. Good thing i forgive and forget easy otherwise I'd be angry tomorrow too. But I won't stay angry.But don't expect me to call, or text, or IM or well anything for a few days. I need to think. And I need to not talk tothose few peopleright now becausethey make me angry.I think I hate you, but I love you. It's my own personal tragedy :) And if you really read all of that, congrats lol. Comment as you must. haha

Well, I lied. I decided that my addiction to the internet can't be defeated by sitting around doing nothing, so I'm back online..Didn't last long I know. Guess you can say I don't have much of a life.

I didn't get to watch Fight Club last night so I did today =D Seen it like ten times and it never gets old. I painted my nails today, and it's funny because the nail polish was soo strong I'm pretty sure the smell of it got me high. Try that and watching the beginning of Fight Clkub, it's pretty trippy..But hey SHHH don't tell anyone.. haha

Finally played God of War again and let em tell you, when I saw Aries(if thats how you spell it) I about crappe dmyself, I was thinking I have to fight him?!? He is one huge mother effer..... Good thing you don't have to fight him where I'm at in the game....Still hating the camera angles but it's all good :)

Now I'm watching my friend play it.He's at the challenge of Atlas...It's cool...He's farther than I am obviously because it is his game..

I still feel like crap..I really wish I could just slap some sense into some people, sometimes myself.... I really wish I could stop thinking about a few certain people.....I don't like them but why the crap are they always on my mind??? I know that I think about Zach because I still haven't written to him...And I know he's expecting a letter but I just don't know what to say. By the time I figure it out it'll be too late. I'm a horrible friend.........

Really hope I find a job soon. I might go crazy if I don't.....I keep getting distacted by the slaughering of the gorgon medusa looking things on the tv.. I like to kill them and it's fun watching someone else kill them..I like watching them squirm...lol

Well...My next movie on the list is Silent Hill....I meant ot put that on my top 5 but since I watched O' Brother Where Art Thou the same day I wrote my top 5 I put that instead of Silent Hill......But yeah I'd have to say that Silent Hill is one of my faves...

As far as the title of this blog, well this is how I feel right now....I am Jack's Raging Bile Duct, and I am Jack's Broken Heart kind of go right along with it =) .....

I'll be soo glad when I get that car back and it's fixed.May look like crap but it's a car and I really hate being cooped up inside allll the time. Heck, I'd rather go out by myself than be stuck inside by myself......Even though I'm not by myself right now it would be nice to be able to leave.......

I keep wondering what it'd really be like if the dead ruled the world...Like if a disease took out most of humanity and took over their bodies like in most horror zombie films and The Walking Dead.....I'm pretty sure I'd be weak, and one of the first to go. I definately don't think I could deal with the struggles and emotions survivors would have to endure. Heck, I'd probably be one of the first to die.... Sarah asked me yesterday what I thought about zombies and what would happen if they ran out of food(humans) She said well, they are already dead so what then? My response is that 1. They would go after each other..I mean if humans ran out of food or were trapped somewhere they'd turn on each other and probably revert to cannablism. 2. they'd get sick, I mean if it's possible to kill the walking dead then is it not possble for them to starve and die in other ways? Anyways, after all the nightmares I've had about "zombies" and that sort of thing I find myself wondering why I still read about them and all that jazz. Same for horror films, you'd thing that after all the nightmares I've had that I wouldn't watch them or read them, but horror is still one of my favorite genres....But I do have to admit they are a little bit harder to watch.

Welp kids, I'm yet again out of things to say..I mean I'm not really but if I don't stop myself now I could go on forever and we all know that's probably not a goo idea so I'm out for now =D

Peace,Love,Jack

Berly