A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

Wishing everyone a very happy new year. I hope you all had a good year. If not, I hope next year is better.

My kids are off of school, and everyday they watch Inuyasha episodes I have on DVD (I have all of them). Every time I walk over to check on them, I get sucked into watching the episode. I can't help but drool. I love Inuyasha and it is definately mesmerizing.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate or co-worker who I sit next too.

10. I will go outside and breath the fresh air for more than 5 minutes.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual.. just as soon as I can find it.

Well, I have no voice and I have barely a whisper. What a day to get sick! :cry: I canceled Christmas breakfast. I told my Mom and brothers not to come over, I didn't want to get them sick. The girls were disappointed, but my brother is going to stop by this afternoon and drop off the gifts for the girls.:D

At least they had a nice morning opening their gifts. Santa left a digital camera for my 10 yr old and she hasn't stopped taking pictures of everything. ;) My 6 yr old got alot of My littlest Pet Shop and was playing for a while with them all. They liked all their other gifts as well, considering I brought them with me to the store and let them pick them all out. :shock: Yeah, I know: MY BAD! :twisted: I got a ditgal camcorder and an mp3 player which I've already downloaded a bunch of songs.:) (I love buying my own gifts!):P

My 6 yr old woke me up at 7:30 hoping to open her gifts. But everyone else was still asleep and I made her wait.:o I know, I know, shame on me. But hey, I'm sick and "someone" (You know who you are BRIAN!) ;) kept me up chatting away with my almost non existant voice until 2:30 a.m. :P (I can't stop talking even when my voice is almost gone!) :lol: :lol: I'm exhasted! :| I think I'll drink some tea and take a nap while listening to my new mp3 player...

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

December 1

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The B1tch from Hell

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TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Acting Human Resources Director

I know I've been AWOL for the past couple of weeks. Life has taken me by the horns. I've been depressed lately as I work more and have time for less. I've been online but mostly to chat and Instant Message. I haven't felt like doing any blogs lately. Work still sucks but I think my home life has gotten better. It's only been a couple of days but I am optimistic that it will stay that way. Christmas is in only a week and a half and I am trying to get into the spirit. I still have shopping to do and decorate the house.

Since I have been spending too much time online, I've decided to try and curb back. It is very addicting especially when you are chatting non-stop. I guess I haven't been using TV.com much is probably because I like instant gratification and forums and blogs just don't do it. Email is okay but actually talking to someone has it's benefits.

Actually it is one of my online friends (you know who you are) who has helped me get out of my rut. I am trying to better myself and do things that will benefit me and my family. It really is great when you have a friend who is truly a friend and wants to help you any way they can. To listen to your problems when they have their own problems to deal with and try and help you solve yours. If only to have an ear to listen when you want to talk about something even when there isn't an answer. Just to be there for you. And of course you should be a friend back and help them in any way you can. Everyone should have a friend like that.

NOW HERE'S YOUR JOKE:

Santa's Elves Pick-Up Lines

"No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."

"You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."

"I taught Santa everything he knows."

"Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."

"I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."

"I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."

"I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."

"I can get you off the Naughty List."

You'll need the following:

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK.

Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.