What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and c1assy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle c1ass in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga c1ass who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifesty1es on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.



THE ANSWER

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate,c1assy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. C1assic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

* How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

* Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.

* Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery.

* Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week.

* Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

* Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.

* The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

* I don't have a tissue with me. Just use your sleeve.

THINGS A FATHER WILL NEVER SAY

* Well how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

* You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

* I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude. I like that in a young person!

* Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!!

* What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

* Your mother and I are going away for while. You might want to consider throwing a party.

* Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickie thingies - you know - that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to the mechanic's and pay whatever they ask.

* No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly aching and lets get to the mall.

* Whaddaya want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

* Father's Day? Ah - don't worry about that - it's no big deal.

* Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve.

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met befo re.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

***1st, Ijust want to thankeveryone who reads my funny blogs. I hope you all enjoy them as much as I do! ***

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!

WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shoes and have your escape route planned out! :lol:

1: Whenever someone asks you for something, ask them, "would you like fries with that?"

2: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?" (Not recommended at Biker Bars)

3: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".

4: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." If they answer you, go to plan 3 above. Be prepared to run real fast. :D

5: Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:

A: They flip you off - plus 20 points.
B: They wave at you - minus 10 points.
C: No reaction or blank stare - minus 10 points.
D: They trip or run into something while staring - plus 25 points.
Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.

1. Ask, "did you hear that cable snapping sound?"

2. Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.

3. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

4. Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When someone enters, look upwards and whisper "I think they want in..."

5. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.

6. Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers.

7. Blow spit balls at the ceiling.

8. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

9. Blow your nose on your sleeve.

10. Bring a chair along.

11. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

12. Call out, "Group hug!" and enforce it.

13. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

14. Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.

15. Clutch your stomach and gasp.

16. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

17. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

18. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

19. Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.

20. Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour.

21. Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days.

22. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

23. Hold the elevator door open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi John, how's your day been?"

24. If anyone brushes against you, whisper to them "was it good for you too?"

25. Jump up when the elevator reaches a stop.

26. Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.

27. Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)

28. Pick your nose.

29. Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors.

30. Pour water on the front of your trousers, so it looks like you have wet yourself, tell everyone who comes in to the elevator, that you had a little accident.

31. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

**First go back to Part 1 and read my responses to #1 and #3

1. Staple your reports in the wrong corner.

2. Put tape over the mouse optics. :lol:

3. Unplug a co-worker's monitor.

4. Talk to sick employees while wearing a dust mask.

5. Burn popcorn in the microwave.

6. "Forget" to put your tuna sandwich in the fridge.

7. Turn up the beep volume of the copier.

8. Empty the paper out of the main printer/copier.

9. Empty the ink or toner out of the main printer/copier.

10. Sing show tunes.

11. Hang up the phone before they say, "good bye".

12. Slurp hot coffee during meetings.

13. Walk around the office barefooted. (and ask people how they like your "new" shoes.)

14. Empty out a co-workers office on a Friday afternoon.

15. Misplace peoples pens.

16. Insert a 3.5″ disk before they turn on their computer.

17. Glue their mouse to the desk.

18. Leave an open can of tuna in their desk.

17. Make a screenshot of their desktop and use it as their screensaver. (now that I'd like to do)

18. Turn up the contrast on their monitor.

19. Talk in a funny accent.

20. Use goofy event sounds for your programs.

21. Chant, "Yeay, I got mail!!" every time you get a new email.

22. Print out a phony pink slip and leave It in their mailbox.

23. Send flowers from one co-worker to another.

24. Leave hole punches all over.

25. Leave your lunch garbage in other people's cans

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

(I have actually done that! and I laughed so hard no one could understand me)

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

(We actually do that at work, there's donkeybutt, Regina (sounds like a female body part), Brass Balls, Pokey, Amyho (guess who)....(notice the theme) I'm also called Godzilla and my male boss is Rose Petal)

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8 ) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''

2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''

5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

7. ''Now how did that get there?''

8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''

9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''

10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''

11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''

14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''

15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''

18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

An ostrich's eyeis bigger that it's brain.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees).

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs- it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

In the movie Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."

Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."

More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

More people are struck by lightning than attacked by sharks.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12,345,678,987,654,321.

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.

Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with rejoice."

The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was to poke someone's eye out.

Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand.

The longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is lollipop.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.

The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments .

The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

Camel's milk does not curdle.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

All porcupines float in water.

Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.

When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

*****Brian and underage kids*****

STOP READING NOW!

The average man falls asleep within 30 seconds of having sex (if not during).

A whale's penis is called a dork.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

(I wish I was a pig) :lol:

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

RALPH NADAR
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I dream of a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of chicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

JERRY SPRINGER
Since the chicken has crossed the road with his wife and three darling chicks, we have a little surprise for him... close your eyes! OK! Open them! It's the long-long gay lover you stood up at the Senior Prom in Peoria, Illinois!


BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one? (THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE!)