• 1. Pay tolls with $100 bills
• 2. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two
• 3. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April
• 4. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons
• 5. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.
• 6. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines
• 7. Announce when you're going to the bathroom
• 8. Chew other people's pencils
• 9. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
• 10. Wear large hats during the movies
• 11. Touch strangers
• 12. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus
• 13. Bite your dentist's finger
• 14. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
• 15. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads
• 16. Don't stand during hymns and anthems
• 17. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa
• 18. Tell people they have bad breath
• 19. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
• 20. Flirt with a friend's spouse
• 21. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team
• 22. Shake with your left hand
• 23. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone.
• 24. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
• 25. Drum on every available surface.
• 26. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• 27. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
• 28. Honk and wave to strangers.
• 29. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
• 30. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
• 31. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
• 32. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• 33. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
• 34. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
• 35. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
• 36. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
• 37. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
• 38. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz sty1e severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

1.On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

2.On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

3.On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

4.On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

5.On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): Don 't turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

6.On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

7.On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

8.On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9.On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???...)

10.On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to... what?)

11.On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

12.On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

13.On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)

14.On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

15.On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (OMG...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

It has been 6 years since the terrible tragedy. I remember it so clearly. I remember picking up mydaughter at schooland going to my mothers house to be with her and my sister and brother. My sister lived in NY. She just so happen to be on vacation visiting us in FL. My sister was a wreck. We all cried that day. She knows people who lost loved ones. It was a horific day. All because people think that their religion is the only true religion and everyone else that thinks otherwise should be dead. It is horrible that there are people in this world who have such hatrid for others for no other reason.

I value my freedom. I am proud to say I am an American. Our troops defend my family and my neighbors lives with their own. My nephew and my best friends son recently joined our military and soon will be part of defending our freedom. Our troops are to be commended on their patriotism to our wonderful country.

We should all take a moment to remember how life is very precious and our freedom is worth fighting for. Our troops should be applauded for their sacrifices.

I leave you with this email that was sent to me:

Last week I was in Atlanta. attending a conference. While I was in the airport, returning home, I heard several people behind me beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest act's of patriotism I have ever seen.

Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in their camo's, as they began heading to their gate everyone (well almost everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering. When I saw the soldiers, probably 30-40 of them, being applauded and cheered for it hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red blooded American who still loves this country and supports our troops and their families.

Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday for us so we can go to school, work and home without fear or reprisal. Just when I thought I could not be more proud of my country or of our service men and women a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers. He kneeled down and said "hi," the little girl then she asked him if he would give something to her daddy for her. The young soldier, he didn't look any older than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did she want to give to her daddy. Then suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek.

The mother of the little girl, who said her daughters name was Courtney, told the young soldier that her husband was a Corporal and had been in Afghanistan for 11 months now. As the mom was explaining how much her daughter, Courtney, missed her father, the young soldier began to tear up. When this temporarily single mom was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second. Then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military looking walkie-talkie. They started playing with the device and talking back and forth on it.

After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her, "I spoke to your daddy and he told me to give this to you." He then hugged this little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He finished by saying "your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon."

The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet he saluted Courtney and her mom. I was standing no more than 6 feet away from this entire event unfolded. As the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause. As I stood there applauding and looked around, their were very few dry eyes, including my own. That young soldier in one last act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek.

We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it's good to be an American.

NEVER FORGET

O say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming,
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight
O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there;
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black -- were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here ?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here ?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what a re they going to do to you ?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh ?"

"No," said the black lab, "I'm just here to get my nails clipped."

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin did not want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.

The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

THREE WOMEN, TWO 20-somethings, AND ONE 50-something, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. ONE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

2. I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

3.Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

5.Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot
This describes everything you are not

6.I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life

9. I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

10. My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

11. My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off theirbutts to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Darn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?I really want to know...


5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.


6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" .... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8. When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, idiot?