Twisting, turning, unable to settle, unable to shut off my brain. All I want to do is sleep. It has been hours now; the insomnia has well and truly taken over. Scenario’s ticking over in my head of the past, the present and the future. I just want to shut it all out, I want to make the voices stop, but I can’t, they just won’t shut up. Voices constantly preventing my slumber.
It has been weeks since I have had more than four hours sleep in a night. I can’t lay still, just f**k-loads of thought running through my mind.
I read somewhere that the main cause of Insomnia is stress. I’ve been trying to lower my stress levels, but it seems that the whole world is against me, so I’m forced to suffer on in silence. I quit my job to focus on college, but college just gets tougher, essays due every second day and exams looming in the not so distant future and as if to royally piss me and the majority of the student body off, the college officials decided to announce after 8 weeks of term that our grades this year will be counted as fifty per cent of our overall degrees.
When I looked in the mirror this morning I hardly recognised myself, someone completely different was staring back at me. I’ve been so used to see a refreshed, smiling, and young face for years, but today all I see as a dreary, tired, gloomy, old body. If this is what life has in store for me, I don’t know if I can go on like this, day after day, week after week, year after year. Is it all really worth all this pain and suffering?
I’ve had to go back to work, because I ran out of money. It’s not ideal, the extra free time I had every week had been making me feel better, I was beginning to get back into a relaxed sleeping pattern, but going back to work has thrown me back, to the lowest, I’ve ever been.
Even if I had someone to talk to, it might be easier, but everyone has problems of their own, no one wants to hear about mine. I’ve got so much I just want to get off my chest, that might make me feel so much better, but I don’t know who I can turn to. I have some great friends, there’s no doubt about that, but the only question is, do I really trust any of them enough to tell them what I’m going through right now.
There’s a history of depression in my family, but I never thought I would suffer from it, I was always the upbeat one and nearly always happy. I’m not sure if it really is depression, but my thoughts are becoming more and more intense and I’m finding it harder and harder to cope with everything.
I broke down in tears today, because it had all become so much. I was in college when it happened, having lunch with the usual crowd and I had to leave. I went outside and headed towards the lake. It was pissing rain, so I knew there wouldn’t be anyone down there, I could be by myself, but I hadn’t counted on my friends being there for me, I should’ve given them more credit to begin with. I thought I couldn’t trust them with my feelings, but I was wrong and I realised that for the first time at that very moment when Tiarnán and Ríona followed me to the lake. They both sat at each either side of me. Ríona didn’t say anything, she just put he arms around me and gave me a hug and Tiarnán patted me on the back and said, “If you wanna talk about it, we’re here to listen!”
It was at that point I knew that I’d be alright and that things would change, just knowing that I had the support of my friends, made me feel comforted. I know longer felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. It may be a long struggle and involve a lot of work, but I now know that I can get through it, now that I’m not on my own.
Life seems to be a long and winding road and it seems that I’ve just turned a sharp bend on that road and perhaps there will be many more twists and turns to come, but it doesn’t matter anymore, because I’m determined to get to the end of the road and reach my destination, whatever that may be…
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